Thursday, September 29, 2011

You Know What's Hot? Politics!

This isn't going to be a post about politics, though. Ha, I got you all worked up into a lather! Look at you guys, all lathery! I hate politics. Politicians are a load of oversized babies who stayed inside and talked to their moms all the time when they were kids while all of the other kids were outside playing baseball or chase and now they're taking it out on society. Wanna get something done? Hire Batman. Perhaps you've heard of him. He's a superhero.

Well, I have today and tomorrow off for Fall Break. I know a lot of you may be scoffing like "What!?!?!? Fall Break? We don't get Fall Break!" But I go to private school, my children, private school. You know what they do to us at private school? They put us each in a dark, cold prison cell all by ourselves, and they starve us and torture us until we get smart. Sometimes it works, but many times it doesn't. Those times it does work, you get doctors, lawyers, and businessmen. Those times it doesn't work, you get homeless people, serial killers, and meth-addicted performance artists.

So we deserve our breaks. I've been on an insane schedule. Here's what I do. I wake up at 3 in the morning, take half an hour to get ready, drive four hours to my school over in Alabama, go to school for nine hours, drive four hours back home, work on homework for just under six hours, and then I go to be usually around 2:55 in the morning. You read that right. I get five minutes of sleep every night. Yeah, I think I deserve a little four-day weekend, don't you think?

We were trying to drive down to the beach for three days, but about two weeks ago my dad got pneumonia. He had to stay in the hospital for about a week. We visited him every day, and he was pretty sick. The saddest part was watching him try to eat applesauce. I wish I was joking, but I'm serious. I turned away--I just couldn't watch. He took this week off of work. And we didn't want to leave him at home while we were at the beach. (Well, we did actually. But he protested. He whined a lot. It was embarrassing to witness.)

So we're not going to the beach. Which makes me sad, because I LOVE going to the beach. Not the beach itself. The ocean. I'm not one of those insufferable white-ass yuppies who has a lake house and a beach house and flies to Charleston every other weekend. I just haven't been to the beach in two years, and I feel so at peace when I'm near the ocean. It talks to me, you know. Whispers things. Dirty things. It tells me I'm its little slut. And I have to do what it says and like it. I don't like it, mama! I don't like it!

Yeah, so we decided to just stay home. Which is cool. I can have some time to myself. "Christopher time." Which means a lot of masturbation and top-secret viewing of romantic comedies. Perhaps both at the same time. Edit: most likely both at the same time.

I got my flu shot today at about 8:30 in the morning. The nurse stabbed me with the needle and I was like "Mm...that's some good heroine." And her eyes widened and she was like "This isn't heroine. You're getting a flu shot!" And I said, "What a strange day I'm having!" And we had a good laugh. Then she was all finished and so I dropped my pants.

And she said hurriedly, "Oh, no, you don't have to do that. This is just a flu shot, so you're already done. No check-up necessary." And I just rolled my eyes and laughed and said, "Get on yo kneeeees, bitch."

Also, I've started reading the Harry Potter series again. By now some of you are probably thinking either that's kind of weird or that I'm doing it for nostalgic reasons. Actually, the first one is true. I've read the Harry Potter series numerous times in my life. In fact, more times than I'm willing to admit. And Harry Potter swoops in to save me when I'm in peril. I'm in peril right now. As many of you know, high school sucks vagina. I need Harry Potter now more than ever.

I was one of those kids who stayed up late on his eleventh birthday waiting for the acceptance letter from Hogwarts to be delivered via owl post. When that didn't happen, I went kind of emo. I listened to death metal, dyed my hair black, got my nipples pierced, stole, set things on fire, and played violent video games from dawn until dusk. Needless to say, I was a pretty messed up fourth grader.

But the Harry Potter books have always been a sanctuary for me. Hogwarts is a place for me to go to when I just can't stand being such a scrawny-ass nerd boy anymore. My parents say I'm obsessed--just because of that one time when I tried to carve a lightning bolt scar into my forehead with a kitchen knife, but they just don't understand. I am Harry Potter. And Harry Potter is me. We are one. And I don't want to take anymore medicine. I don't like the medicine.

On a side note, I've hit a dry spot with bands. Any band suggestions? I've tried to turn to indie rock once again to rescue me from this music-less abyss, but there are so many BAD indie bands out there. It's hard to find good ones. If you have anything to suggest, whether it be a classical composer, a 60's band, or an indie rock band, please do. Hopefully something kind of chill.

Last Monday I was walking to Math, going over equations in my mind in preparation for the test, when my old English teacher--who's about in her late sixties--from freshman year walked up behind me. She said, "Hello, Mr. Kennedy." I said, "Oh, hi! How are you?" She said good, and we walked for a while in silence. Then she took a deep breath and said, "Christopher, they don't want me to tell you this, but I'm your mother." And I was like wow this is amazing it's my long-lost mother! So we hugged, crying and laughing in each other's arms.

Then big men in bulletproof vests came and pulled her away from me. She just kept laughing and shrieking, "Mama's little boy! Give mama some sugar!" And I waved goodbye and cried. I hope I get to see her again soon. I miss my mama.

Movie Quote of the Day: "We're here to fuck shit up!" -Dale Doback, Stepbrothers

That Blond Guy

6 people secretly have a crush on me:

Maxwell said...

I have never read, nor have I ever had any desire to read the Harry Potter books. This is really beginning to make me think that you are not some sort of younger version of myself who blogs during my blackouts.

Mark said...

I was going to reread harry potter, but then I read the first 3 and just stopped. Which is a shame because the fifth is my favourite and I've only read 6 and 7 once. I just don't really want to deal with four again.

L. said...

YOU HAVEN'T BEEN TO THE BEACH IN TWO YEARS? HOLY SHIT!!! I live, at most, twenty minutes away from the beach. Actually, if I don't go to New Hampshire (New Hampshire has better beaches), it only takes me fifteen. I can sneeze and I'm at the beach. I could never imagine living farther.

I wasn't supposed to go to school today, since it is Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year, but since I don't belong to a temple and I'm fairly unreligious, I went to school. And I had an absolute shit day today so maybe I shouldn't have gone. It would have been an excused absence!

Good music. You asked the right nerd.

The Avett Brothers: The Ballad of Love and Hate, Kick Drum Heart, Pretty Girl from Chile

2Cellos: Smells Like Teen Spirit, Smooth Criminal, Viva La Vida

Rodrigo y Gabriella: Diablo Rojo, Tamacun, Ixtapa

Luka Sulic: Tchaikovsky Nocturno, Flamenco, de Falla Ritual Fire Dance

Three quarters of what I just recommended is instrumental. Enjoy!

Anonymous said...

You get one hour fifty-five minutes more sleep than what I got last night.

I'm glad you found your mother, even if she may be inhabiting a straightjacket right now.

Local Natives
Modest Mouse
Friday Mile
Dirt Poor Robins
...I don't listen to these bands regularly - in fact, I haven't listened to many of their songs, but they seem satisfactory. My friend is in Friday Mile.

Boyd said...

I don't like politicians either; that's why I believe in autocratic anarchy - anarchy that I run!!

I've never been to an ocean-side beach, but I do live pretty close to one of the Great Lakes (Huron, to be specific). I don't like lake beaches too much though, because they're kinda bogue.

As for bands, have you tried Eels? Tanner just turned me on to them (him?), but they're pretty sweet. You've probably heard Eels's music in Shrek before, actually. Also, check out Kaylee Kean on Facebook. You'll fall in love with her, I PROMISE. It will be worth your time to check her out.

Anonymous said...

Also, St. Vincent.