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Friday, September 2, 2011

A Short Story and Also a Short Story

Yesterday I almost killed my mom. And that's not to be taken lightly. I really did. This isn't a joke. I was driving her, my brother, and sister home from the Atlanta Bread Company. When we got home, she said she needed to go to Kinko's and reached over to put on the emergency brake. I thought she put the car in park too, but it turns out she didn't. I got out of the car and she was still sitting in the passenger's seat when it started rolling backwards. Our driveway is really steep, and so is our street, so I literally thought she was going to die as she the car rolled all the way down the driveway and onto the street, picking up speed.

My brother and sister ran after he and shrieked for her to get out of the car. I just stood at the top of the driveway, paralyzed. Finally I said, "Shit!" and chucked the Gatorade I was holding in my hand at the ground. 'Cause man, I thought I just killed my mama! I was freaking out.

Thankfully, she was okay. By some miracle of God, she got over into the driver's seat and hit the brakes. It's good she's alive, because it would have been awkward if I accidentally killed my mom. I mean, how do you apologize for that? You don't. And everyone expects you to be so overcome by grief that you go throw yourself off a building or something. It's a lot of pressure. I don't want to throw myself off of a building! I like being alive.

After she turned out to be safe, what did I do? First, I gave her a big hug. Then I went onto the driveway and licked up all of the spilled Gatorade. Then I went into my room and sent out a mass text message reading, "HOLY SHIT I ALMOST JUST KILLED MY MOM." Then I did my Spanish homework. Then I ate a bagel. I don't remember what happened after that.

Onto the short story!

Once upon a time there was a boy who turned into a werewolf. It happened all of a sudden while he was eating an ice cream cone. He thought he was just going to take a single bite of ice cream, but then he accidentally bit off his entire hand. He did not know why this happened, but then he realized that it was because he had turned into a werewolf. Then he was very dismayed.

Fortunately, doctors had recently come out with a medicine that could make your hand grow back. He found some of this medicine in his pocket and took a big gulp and his hand, or his paw that is, grew back. This was good because although it was bad that he was a werewolf, at least it was good that he had all four paws.

He decided that his next order of action was to tell his mom that he had turned into a werewolf. He would have to stay hidden so that no one would see him and try to kill him with silver bullets. This would not be so hard because he was only in his backyard. So he went into his kitchen and found his mom. When she saw him, she screamed because he was a werewofl. She yelled, "Aaaaah don't eat me!" He looked at her quizically and said, "I' m not going to eat you. Why would I eat you?" But before he knew it, he had eaten her. He didn't know why he did this. He just did.

From that point on he had to live in hiding in the woods, wearing clothes made out of leaves and branches and catching rats for food. Soon he started enjoying his life as a werewolf. He enjoyed catching rats and eating them and feeling them squirm as he swallowed them. He also liked having long claws to scratch with, and long teeth to eat small animals with, like birds, rats, and frogs.

One day he was sitting at his usual spot in the woods, scratching at an itchy spot on his neck with his foot, when a small child walked into the clearing and said, "Hi. Do you have any gum?" The werewolf boy was suddenly seized by a great hunger and pounced forward, slahsed the boy's face, and began to eat him. He felt ashamed while he was doing it, but also he was very hungry.

While he was kneeling over the small, dead child, feasting on his insides, the sun began to burn his back. At first he was just annoyed, but then he realized that werewolves don't come out except at night when there is a full moon. It was then that he realized that he was not really a werewolf, and that he only thought he was.

Then he was very distressed because he had eaten his mom.

Movie Quote of the Day: "I want you." -Harold Crick, Stranger than Fiction

Cheers,
That Blond Guy

9 people secretly have a crush on me:

LoneIslander said...

Wait.............wat!?!?

Boyd said...

I like your quote. I dunno if you know this, but I'm a pretty big fan of Stranger Than Fiction. I do a cover of Whole Wide World. Just sayin'.

That's terrifying that you nearly killed your mom!! Don't you hate when that happens?

That Blond Guy said...

LoneIslander: That doesn't qualify as a comment. TRY AGAIN!!!

Boyd: Awesome! I don't really remember that song, so I'll have to look it up.

Yeah, I know! And the thing is, this is the third time this week. I gotta stop this.

Bookish.Spazz said...

THIRD TIME THIS WEEK? Honestly Christopher, I think your subconscious is trying to tell you something.

DUDE. Sometimes I think that I'm twelve... and then I realize that I'm not and in reality I'm just a spazzy idiot.

Lemons Don't Make Lemonade said...

YOU ALMOST KILLED YOUR MOM?

Since the emphasis is on "almost," I'm just going to go, "WOW, COOL STORY, BRO."

I've never tried to kill anyone, unless you count rubbing my stuffed panda's butt on my dad's face.

Er.

(And yes, Nicolai! I'll get around to it, SOON.)

Lex said...

You should just write a book. I would read it all the time. It would be awful, but I would read it.

Max Silver said...

I'm glad you didn't kill your mom :)

Also, I absolutely ADORED the ending of that story XD

L. said...

They way you write stories reminds me of the stand up comic Demetri Martin. He starts out telling a story/joke, and you think you know where he is going, but you really don't. Because the ending of the joke is never what you expect it to be. And that is why he is funny.

So you remind me of Demetri Martin. Who is hilarious. So, by gleaning meaning from my comment above, you too are hilarious.

That was a very roundabout way to compliment you. Hope you enjoyed it.

Maxwell said...

If you're going to almost kill your mom, go for a bigger story. Like "I was learning to juggle loaded pistols when mom walked in the room and startled me..."