Saturday, September 24, 2011

So You Wanna Be a Boxer, Part 1 of 2 (The Devil Is In the Air)

Shawsin, Massachusetts was a nice little village full of God-fearing Puritans, and all in all it was a perfectly decent place to live. Everyone went to Church, everyone did their fair share of work, and there was usually enough food to go around. Sure, there were some disagreements over land, and the work was certainly hard, but it was a pretty honest, nice little town. That is, until the winter of 1689.

The Parker family gathered around their daughter, Bessie, who was lying motionless in bed, white as a ghost. She, a girl of eleven years, had been unresponsive for the past several days, and the Parkers were very distressed. She had not talked, sat up, or even opened her eyes in three days.

Goody Parker rapped sharply on Bessie's forehead, saying, "Knock knock? Bessie? You in there?"

Mr. Parker put a hand on his wife's shoulder. "Knocking on her forehead can't help her now. I'm afraid it's too late for that."

Allison, Bessie's seventeen-year-old cousin who was known for bending the truth, turned toward her uncle. "What do ya mean, Uncle?"

Mr. Parker turned sharply toward her. "You know very well what I mean, Allison! I saw you and your cousin in the woods! I saw what you were doing!" he bellowed, causing his wife and two sons to shrink away from him in fear.

"We were only eating grapefruit, Uncle," she whimpered.

"GRAPEFRUIT!!!" he roared. "The forbidden fruit!"

Allison burst into tears.

"We just wanted a taste," she sobbed.

"A taste indeed," he said, turning back to his daughter. "You two were conjuring up spirits--that I know for certain. Why else would Bessie faint upon seeing me?"

"She didn't faint, Uncle. You jumped from the trees wearing a cape and a crown made of thorns and beat her with a stick until she fell unconscious," Allison reminded him.

"The devil was in her!!!" Mr. Parker shouted, banging his fist against the bedpost.

Before Allison could respond, however, a tall, dark man entering the room, wearing a long cloak with a lowered hood that cast a shadow over his long, gaunt face.

"Someone called a vampire zombie hunter?" he growled almost inaudibly. "Reverend Dale at your service."

Shocked, everyone in the room turned to look at Mr. Parker. He blushed slightly and frowned. "We're running out of options here," he said.

"If I may ask, Mr. Parker, what makes you suspect your daughter and niece of zombie vampirism?" Dale inquired solemnly.

"I found them eating grapefruit in the woods, Reverend," he replied.

Dale's eyes widened. "You permit your daughters to eat grapefruit?" he asked in amazement.

"IT IS NOT PERMITTED," Parker answered indignantly. "It is strictly prohibited!"

Dale paused. "Are there any other reasons for your suspicions, Mr. Parker?"

Mr. Parker looked uneasy. "I, uh, well, several weeks ago I caught my daughter Bessie flying."

The rest of the Parker family looked much more surprised than Reverend Dale, who retained his composure as he said calmly, "Flying, Mr. Parker?"

Mr. Parker nodded quickly. "Yes yes, flying. She just jumped out the window one night and flew away into the darkness. I haven't mentioned it until now because I was worried she would suck my blood or cast a spell on me or the like."

The family was silent. Reverend Dale nodded. "Anything else? Please do not hold anything back, Mr. Parker."

Mr. Parker paused and then added, "Last week I caught her eating a brain up in her bedroom. I don't know where she got it. I was too afraid to ask her. But she was definitely eating a brain."

Bessie sat up in her bed. "I was NOT eating a brain!" she cried indignantly. The whole family gasped. Goody Parker rushed forward to embrace her daughter.

Mr. Parker blushed and said hurriedly, "Of course a vampire zombie would say that."

Reverend Dale observed Bessie for a moment, peered at the rest of the family as well, and said, "I've made my decision. I am certain that both Bessie and Allison are vampire zombies, and they need to be executed immediately before the rest of the town is contaminated."

All of the children froze. Goody Parker, Allison, and Bessie burst into tears. The boys rushes forward to hug their father. Mr. Parker, who usually never permitted his children to touch him, didn't move or say anything. He stared at Reverend Dale.

"Surely there is some other way..." he said weakly.

"There is no other way. They must be tortured, hanged, and burned. But first, they must be deflowered by an ordained minister."

"Deflowered by an ordained minister?" said Mr. Parker suspiciously.

Reverend Dale narrowed his eyes. "There will be no further questions."


Movie Quote of the Day: "Yeah, well, that may be. But at least I never slept with Lumbergh." -Peter Gibbons, Office Space

That Blond Guy

7 people secretly have a crush on me:

thinkellen said...

A parody of The Crucible, it sounds like! I like it!

Boyd said...

Gahh...I didn't like The Crucible very much. Vampires and zombies, though...not to mention ordained minister deflowering!!

L. said...

Ah, the Crucible. Never read it. Not yet, anyway. I suppose I can fit it in eventually. I have other zombie books to read.

And deflowering by an ordained minister? Oh the shame.

Oh, and you are going to finish this short story, right? The last story you started you never finished, and I was sad.

Bookish.Spazz said...

I don't know how I feel about this... but I do want to read the second part.

Anonymous said...

Oh, The Crucible...'tis wonderful.

dirtycowgirl said...

Is this blog about to descend into zombie vampire porn...

Oh good.

Mark said...

Bring on the zombie vampire porn I say. That is one kickass reverend.