Sunday, September 11, 2011

Part 3 of an Interview with Congresswoman Michele Bachmann

Interviewer: Hello and good morning. We're here today with Congresswoman Michele Bachmann joining us for the third time to discuss her 2012 campaign for presidency. Congresswoman, thank you for agreeing to talk with us again.

Bachmann: Glad to be here.

Interviewer: I just want to pick up where we left off in our last interview. You were discussing your opposition to gay marriage and your feelings towards gays and lesbians. You called the opposition to same-sex marriage a defining debate in this country and of your campaign. I just wanted to quote part of your speech from 2006--prior to your campaign for presidency--on the subject of same-sex marriage. I quote here, "Gays and lesbians are warriors of Satan, and they need to be annihilated. Only then can this great nation be free once again." Do you still stand by that now?

Bachmann: I am running for President of the United States. I am not running to be anyone's judge. I do stand very strongly on this subject, but--

Interviewer: Some would say that you have judged them.

Bachmann: I do not judge them. I am running for President of the United States.

Interviewer: So what would be the view of President Bachmann on same-sex marriage?

Bachmann: Well, you know, I believe that God intended marriage to be between a man and a woman. If you look back in the Bible, there was Adam and Eve. It wasn't Adam and Adam. If it was Adam and Adam, it would be chaos. God would say "Adam!" and they would never know who he was talking to. Plus, they'd be too busy sexing up in the place to do anything God told them.

Interviewer: What do you think gay Americans will think when they hear you say this?

Bachmann: Well, I stand very strongly on this matter, but I ascribe honor and dignity to every person. I am not here to be anyone's judge.

Interviewer: Congresswoman, I'm going to quote you again, this time from a speech you made while running for the Senate seat back in 2000. You said, "Gays and lesbians are savage, bloodthirsty devil-worshippers who arrived here from outer space to prey on our children and infiltrate our society." Don't you think that this statement might be considered a judgement passed on gays and lesbians?

Bachmann: I am not here to be anyone's judge. I am running for President of the United States.

Interviewer: I know. You've said that. But many might say that you are passing judgements on gays and lesbians in America.

Bachmann: I am willing to ascribe honor and dignity to anyone who is willing to accept it.

Interviewer: Anyone who is willing to accept it? Would you elaborate on that?

Bachmann: Well, you know, last week I was at the supermarket shopping for some tangerines and fruit loops when I myself came across a homosexual. I greeted him warmly and asked how he was doing, and before I knew what was happening, he was rubbing his testicles all over me and licking my face. Clearly he was attempting to have sex with me. This would be an example of how I attempt to give honor and dignity to gays and lesbians, and how they deny it.

Interviewer: Congresswoman, keeping in mind that you do not judge the homosexuals of America and that you, in your words, ascribe honor and dignity to all of them, would you possibly choose a gay or lesbian as a member your cabinet if elected President?

Bachmann: No I would not. I think that the only place that gays belong are in cages, left there to rot with rats feasting on their flesh until there's nothing left but bone.

Interviewer: Congresswoman, do you think that people out there will hear that and think that you are not passing judgements?

Bachmann: I am not here to judge. I am running for President of the United States. And I think that homosexuals are sub-humans who can only benefit our country by letting us burn them for energy to feul our automobiles and charge our iPhones.

Interviewer: Okay, now I'd like to bring up one of your campaigns earlier this year shortly after you decided to run for President. The aim of that campaign was, according to its official website, "to torch and devour the bodies of any and all children adopted by gay couples in America." What do you have to say about that?

Bachmann: Well, you know, I'm not here to pass judgements. But there are a lot of babies out there that need to be torched, and we better get started or else we'll never make any progress.

Interviewer: Some would call that campaign offensive. Would you personally, Senator Bachmann, really set a baby on fire?

Bachmann: I don't want to answer anymore questions about that specific campaign earlier this year. I just think that the past is the past, and we should focus on the future and the present and all of the other good stuff that Jesus has planned for us.

Interviewer: Okay. Still on the topic of gay marriage, what would you do about gay marriage in your presidency if elected to presidency of the United States?

Bachmann: Well, that's a loaded question. I don't consider gay marriage to be constitutional, so primarily I would set out to ban gay marriage in all 65 states. Furthermore, I think that as President of the United States, it would be my duty to extinguish this growing homosexual revolution in our nation. There are a lot of important political figures out there, such as Congressman Barney Frank and Sir Elton John, who serve as ringleaders for this sick charade that is the growing revolution of LGBT in America. And I think that if we remove them from the picture, then the gay population will just be wandering around like lost lambs. You see, if you take away their leaders, they are reduced to shreds.

Interviewer: What are you suggesting that you plan to do to these "ringleaders" of the gay population?

Bachmann: I am suggesting that we torture them, kill them, and then parade around their heads as trophies for all to see.

Interviewer: Is that your official stance, Congresswoman?

Bachmann: It is. I'm not here to judge. I'm running for President of the United States.

Interviewer: How else would you plan to extinguish what you call the "homosexual revolution" in America? What measures would you take?

Bachmann: Well, personally, I think that they should have death by electric chair. But others suggest that they should only serve a life sentence in prision. This is the kind of think that I think Democrats and Republicans should be willing to compromise about. Because without compromise--without moderation--we will get nowhere.

Interviewer: So am I correct in saying that your plan, essentially, is to stamp out all homosexuals, bisexuals, and transsexuals in the United States of America?

Bachmann: To answer your question, what I really want to focus on if I am elected to the presidency is connecting with the gays and lesbians on a personal level. Those who have come to participate in this disgusting cult that is the gay community are prisoners. They are slaves to the lifestyle they have been brutally forced to adopt. And it is our job to show compassion to them.

Interviewer: Oh, now this is pleasantly surprising.

Bachmann: Yes, I think that we should reach out to them, befriend them, show them the error of their ways, and then--when they are least expecting it--kill them.

Interviewer: What was that?

Bachmann: We need to show them the error of their ways.

Interviewer: No. After that?

Bachmann: I don't understand the question.

Interviewer: Congresswoman, you have said a multitude of times that the only way to deal with the debate about gay marriage in the United States is to slaughter the gay populatation. How do you think this will affect your campaign for presidency?

Bachmann: I don't want to discuss this anymore. I honestly think that the debate of gay marriage isn't something the American people really care about.

Interviewer: You yourself said that it was a defining issue of your campaign. Is this no longer the case?

Bachmann: I changed my mind. I want to go home.

Interviewer: Well, Congresswoman, thank you for joining us today.

Bachmann: Be here to glad. I know what I mean.

Movie Quote of the Day: "Coffey. Like the drink. Except spelled different." -John Coffey, The Green Mile

That Blond Guy

14 people secretly have a crush on me:

Bookish.Spazz said...

Wow, I really like this Bachmann woman... perhaps moreso that I like Rick Perry.


Bookish.Spazz said...


Eeshie said...


Mark said...

Just looking at the quotes, if they are genuine things she said, makes me RAGE. Why the hell would anyone consider voting for her? Why?

Mark said...

The almost sad thing is I wouldn't be surprised if this is what she actually thought.

That Bastard From Bellingham said...


And America backslides further into the cesspool of history.

Here's to a glorious meltdown of civilization. If any of you are in the northwest, remember to stay as far away from my Mercenary Kingdom of Steel as you can. We'll be taking heads and slaves as soon as America falls completely apart.

Accepting military, police and martial artist applications today!

Boyd said...

This is why we can't have nice things.

*^_^* said...

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance.

the Rambler said...

Satire: success.
This is funny and simultaneously heart-wrenchingly sad. That woman. Holy cow.

That Blond Guy said...


Eeshie: You can't just do that. I hate people who just do ellipses. I never know what they mean. Use
your words. Use your words!!!!

Mark: Nah, this is a satire. Not far off, though.

Bastard: Ha ha thanks for that man. To the meltdown of civilization! Here here!

Boyd: Ain't dat right.

Weird Smiley Face Thing: What the fuck. Get out of here!!!!!

the Rambler: Thanks! Have people heard of her out of the US? That's a bad sign. Why do all of the stupid Americans get famous instead of the decent ones?

Stephanie said...

*eyeroll* XD


PeaceLoveandSharpies said...

Love, you've divided by zero in the realm of comedy.
If Obama loses, I'm going to put my Sharpies in a safe place and prepare for the end of ze world:

The only thing that could possibly make me love you more is if you gave me a pack of Caribbean color fine point Sharpies because THEY FREAKING STOPPED MAKING THEM.

The militant working boy said...

Perhaps my favorite post thus far... a triumph, dear golden headed wonder boy from Planet Awesome. Satire this penetrating may just singlehandedly redefine American politics as we know it.

Anonymous said...

This is simultaneously hilarious and really depressing. Satire: success.