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Friday, September 16, 2011

I Feel Like Cocaine Right Now

RRRRRRAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGWWWWJJJJJJRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That was a roar of triumph. That was triumph you were hearing.

I just feel amazing at the moment. I don't know what it is. Well, yeah, I do know what it is. But it makes it much more mystical and special to say "I don't know what it is." It feels like I just took a gulp of Felix Filicis. It feels like I just finished my book. It feels like I'm swimming in the sunset. It feels like I'm the Mona Lisa. It feels like I'm August Rush. It feels like I speak French fluently. It feels like mint truffles. I feel like I'm the song "The Way It Was Before" by Jack Conte. It feels amazing.

It's autumn! No, this isn't just about autumn. It also resulted from a lot of drugs I'm currently under the influence of. No! Just kidding! Ha! But it's true that autumn can really almost turn me into a different person. When I feel the first breathe of autumn run its fingers over my face, it feels like I'm breathing for the first time in ages. It feels like I've never breathed before. Which is, of course, ridiculous, because--as a human being--oxygen is vital for all of my biological processes. But OH MY GOD I just feel great. Wow.

When am I going to get to the point and say why I feel so great? I don't know. Probably never. I'm probably just going to sit here and talk about how great I feel until I don't feel great anymore. Probably not, though. Hopefully not. I'm just putting it off because I don't know what I'm going to say. I don't know why I feel great. What do I have to feel great about?

Maybe that's it. Maybe there's nothing I feel great about. Isn't it enough to just feel great? I think it's just great to be human. Why do I have to be such a fucking penis all of the time always complaining about how pathetic I am and how unhappy I am? I'm ALIVE. And that's great. I think that's a reason to feel great.

But let's see. We've already established that it is autumn, which is DEFINITELY a reason to be happy. I'm like a superhero in autumn. Except I can't fly and I still technically need glasses and I have weird nipples. What do weird nipples have to do with superheroes? I don't know. I just thought I ought to tell you sooner rather than later. But yes, it is awesome. We had perfect weather today, even though it was gray and forecast. At lunch, a handful of my friends and I went to the courtyard by the English building and just sat on the cold, wet ground. People were walking by us and giving us weird looks, but we didn't give a shit. We didn't even give half a shit. We didn't give one MILLIONTH of a shit.

I played basketball in my front yard for the first time in several weeks or so. I just don't have time to play basketball anymore. Isn't that sad? I barely have time to read, because of all of the DAMN homework my fucking teacher vampires give us. But today I played basketball! And it felt great! I felt limber. You know that scene from Fight Club where Helena Bonham Carter was flopping around on top of Brad Pitt and the lighting and the music is all bizarre? Really, all I could pay attention to in that scene was how nice and flexible they looked. Here was one of the most amazing sex scenes in cinema history--here were Helena Bonham Carter's heavenly Bert and Ernie's staring at me straight in the face--and all I could think was, "Wow! Look how limber they are!" Well, I feel like that. Even though I'm not limber. Even though I can't touch my toes. I just feel like I could do a flip. I won't, though, because I'd probably die. And that's the most surefire way to ruin a good mood.

I just got up and peed. Yeah, you read that right. Don't worry, I went to the bathroom first. I should have mentioned that. I went to the bathroom. And in the bathroom, I peed. God, I love peeing. It's probably one of my favorite things in the world. You'll understand if you've read It's Kind of a Funny Story by Ned Vizzini. Not the movie. The book. Two totally different things. Very different. But yes, peeing. I love it. I hope I never get a urinary tract infection, because that would probably ruin it for me.

Was that inappropriate? I feel like it was. I feel like I just crossed a line. Do you agree? Yes? Well, guess what, bitch? This is MY blog. This is The Nerd Archives. There are no lines. I can talk about peeing all I want if it floats my penis. Oh, did I see penis? I meant my boat. Which is a euphemism I frequently use for my penis, so I guess it doesn't matter either way. I feel like I'm crossing a line again. I don't really care, though. Would you guys believe me if I told you I wasn't high or ANYTHING? Because I'm guessing what I've written so far sounds a lot like what a person would sound like who has never been high before and has just gotten high. Well, they probably couldn't write. Well, maybe they could. I don't know. I've never been high!

Let's see, what else? I ran on the eliptical just a few hours ago and watched the movie V for Vendetta. Amazing movie. Probably my favorite movie in the past several months or so. You need to go see it. It certainly opened my eyes. It combined with AP US History has made me realize that The United States of America was found by terrorists! That's right! The Sons of Liberty! They were terrorists! They killed people. They hurt people. Sometimes innocent civilians. Ah, well, I can't talk about this anymore. It's hard to talk about politics when you're in a good mood. I guess that explains why politicans are such bitter, lonely people. They're never in a good mood, so they never tire of arguing about politics. But anyway. V for Vendetta. Watch it. Now.

I FINALLY got down and talked to that girl I've been dreading seeing since the end of last year. Yes, still that same girl who I can't get over. I was just leaving the library, which was practically empty. I was walking and then there she was, sitting at a table, doing her homework. We stared at each other for a moment. Then, without even realizing what I was doing, I just smiled. And I waved. And she smiled back and mouthed "Hello."

That's not what got me in this good mood, though. It's not like that has unwritten every awkward thing which has ever passed between us, (meaning from me to her). I still have to talk to her at some point. And then I'm probably going to blush a lot and make an even bigger fool of myself. She's still relatively popular and gorgeous, and I'm still a nobody and not gorgeous. And I barely know her, yet I told her she has beautiful eyes. I mean, I don't know how else to get to know her. And that's why I can't just let go of her yet. With every other girl I've ever gotten this worked up over, I've had at least some relative success is sort of getting to know her. But not this one. She won't talk to me. Not because she's mean, but because she's just sort of quiet. It's so frustrating, but at the same time it makes me just more obsessed with her. It's like falling in love with a painting.

Also, I'm happy because I made these:





I just found this weird little thing on the ground that looked like a little hat, so I stuck it on my pinky finger and showed all of my friends. They thought I was crazy, and went to go get the teacher. But I thought they were pretty cool. That doesn't mean I'm not crazy, though. I think that I probably am crazy. For instance, just about an hour ago I was flossing and my mouth started bleeding. I thought it looked pretty cool, so I rubbed the blood all over my teeth. Then I looked REALLY bad-ass. So I took a picture.



Yeah, I'm pretty fucked up. You guys know that I'm weird. But you don't know that I'm crazy. Which I am. At least, I like to think so. I'm glad my parents don't read my blog, because they could probably have me committed for posting that picture. I can't believe I just did that. You guys probably think I'm SO insane and gross right now. And don't care, though. Becaue I am in a great mood.

I wrote another story today. It's about an overweight bird named Vincent. But then I felt bad because those I while I was driving home I saw one of those fucking awful child obesity billboard advertisements and I felt really guilty for writing a story making fun of fat people. Well, fat birds. But I still think I might post it because I have no soul. Would you guys like that? Do you guys like my stories?

I think I better do everyone a favor and end this post. I hope I don't lose any followers. I need you guys. So bad. Writing on my blogs is how I get by. As you can see.

Movie Quote of the Day: "Good evening, London. Allow me first to apologize for this interruption. I do, like many of you, appreciate the comforts of every day routine- the security of the familiar, the tranquility of repetition. I enjoy them as much as any bloke. But in the spirit of commemoration, thereby those important events of the past usually associated with someone's death or the end of some awful bloody struggle, a celebration of a nice holiday, I thought we could mark this November the 5th, a day that is sadly no longer remembered, by taking some time out of our daily lives to sit down and have a little chat. There are of course those who do not want us to speak. I suspect even now, orders are being shouted into telephones, and men with guns will soon be on their way. Why? Because while the truncheon may be used in lieu of conversation, words will always retain their power. Words offer the means to meaning, and for those who will listen, the enunciation of truth. And the truth is, there is something terribly wrong with this country, isn't there? Cruelty and injustice, intolerance and oppression. And where once you had the freedom to object, to think and speak as you saw fit, you now have censors and systems of surveillance coercing your conformity and soliciting your submission. How did this happen? Who's to blame? Well certainly there are those more responsible than others, and they will be held accountable, but again truth be told, if you're looking for the guilty, you need only look into a mirror. I know why you did it. I know you were afraid. Who wouldn't be? War, terror, disease. There were a myriad of problems which conspired to corrupt your reason and rob you of your common sense. Fear got the best of you, and in your panic you turned to the now high chancellor, Adam Sutler. He promised you order, he promised you peace, and all he demanded in return was your silent, obedient consent. Last night I sought to end that silence. Last night I destroyed the Old Bailey, to remind this country of what it has forgotten. More than four hundred years ago a great citizen wished to embed the fifth of November forever in our memory. His hope was to remind the world that fairness, justice, and freedom are more than words, they are perspectives. So if you've seen nothing, if the crimes of this government remain unknown to you then I would suggest you allow the fifth of November to pass unmarked. But if you see what I see, if you feel as I feel, and if you would seek as I seek, then I ask you to stand beside me one year from tonight, outside the gates of Parliament, and together we shall give them a fifth of November that shall never, ever be forgot. " -V, V for Vendetta

Cheers,
That Blond Guy

13 people secretly have a crush on me:

Mark said...

I envy your fingers and their hats.

Boyd said...

I LOVED this post, and I mean that with all of my heart. It spoke volumes as to who you are as a person, and that's amazing. I'd say you ARE high, but high on living...and that's the best kind of high.

Red Sunshine said...

This post was hilarious~ Really enjoyed it. And the epic finger hat people were pretty cool too xD

the Rambler said...

So I'm not the only person who puts hats on my fingers! Those little dudes are great.

This post is full of sweet breathless glee. I'm glad you're so cheerful! :D

Vice Versa said...

what about the ending to the story?
I like your stories!

we don't really have an autumn here. just summer and winter. but then winters aren't all that cold.

I don't enjoy peeing. It's a waste of time, in my opinion.

I love finger-people. I make my fingers into people all the time. I even make clothes and stuff for them,and make them talk. It's fun. Especially in physics class when there's nothing better to do.

Eww. that blood stained teeth picture is gross.

But crazy people are some of the best kinds of people in my opinion. Normal people are boring.

That quote was too long. i didn't read it.

LoneIslander said...

Well it's more creative than anything I could come up with.

L. said...

I am jealous of your finger hats. My fingers want hats now. They are planning a coup d'etat to get some.

I love V for Vendetta. I realized that America was basically founded by terrorists last year in Freshmen Honors World History. We actually talked about it for three class periods. That was a great class; I miss it.

That picture of your bloody teeth was bloody disgusting (see what I did there? Haha, I'm hilarious).

I have a quote to give you about being high on life. Enjoy!

"For happy people, life's a drug."
-Jennelle Barosin

That's right, I'm phenomenally deep. Or high on life.

Enjoy autumn! It's reached New England, and I'm so excited! Crunchy leaves!

Gabi said...

I knew it had to do with a girl!!
If she smiled and mouthed hello, that's probably a good sign, so you should try making conversation. Hahahaha me trying to give love-life advice.
I like your finger-hats.

Cosette said...

Your finger-hats are wonderful.
Also, I love this post.

Anna said...

Stream of consciousness at its best? I loved this post, regardless of the bloody teeth.

Furree Katt said...

i feel great reading your blog after so long! ♥
i love people who don't give a shizzle when others give them weird looks. you're super awesome.

i shall now proceed to read the other posts i have missed on your blog. love you!

Cosette said...

Also, the bloody teeth are slightly disturbing, paired with the crazed/jolly smile.
...but I love you anyway.

Mack said...

RAAAAAWAWAWAAWWWAWARRRRRRAAAAHHHH!! That is a roar of adoration, for this post. It's so you, it just OOZES awesome.

(Sorry I never comment anymore- it's kind of rough, when it seems like everyone else steals anything I'd want to say right out of my mouth [or really out of my brain... I'm quite worried now]. I pledge to comment more!)