Sunday, September 25, 2011

Yet Another List of Things I Strongly Dislike

1. People who talk in Spanglish. Spanglish is for gringos and bitches who are trying to show off their embarrassingly limited knowledge of Spanish by incorporating phrases like "Me gusta" and "Hasta la vista" into normal English sentences. If any of you ever talk in Spanglish, GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!!! Shoo! Shoo! You disgusting vermin.

2. People at school dances who try to encourage the wallflowers to dance. If we're hanging out by the punch bowl or even just looking a little lonely, mind your own fucking business and keep to yourself. They think they're the goddamn Savior coming to rescue us from the fiery pits of Tartarus. They think they're the goddamn stars of fucking High School Musical. What if I don't want to dance? Can you get that into your thick fucking skull! And what's more--don't fucking touch me.

3. Justin Bieber. That sonufabitch needs to get off his high horse and realize he's not Jesus Christ. I'm not one of those people who's like "I think Justin Bieber should be skinned, drowned, and then have his insides roasted over a fire." But he does kind of annoy me. Did you know he applied to my school last year? Yeah, there are some juniors at my school who played football with him while he was touring our school and they said he was a prick. I don't think he should be tortured and then killed, but I wish he'd get rid of that look in his eyes like, "I am so amazing."

4. That guy who called me a "bubble butt" in middle school.

5. People who make incest jokes addressed to me and my triplet siblings. No, that really happens. I'm not even joking. And it's the most awkward, gross thing ever. You wouldn't believe how many incest jokes we get. And it's been happening probably since I was like eleven-years-old. Mostly kids, but some adults too. Last year, this creepy guy at our church found our sister's jacket and asked us if we would bring it to her. We said, "Yeah, we'll give it to her." He chuckled and said, "Watch out. It sounds like you're about to gang-bang your sister." I'm not even joking. He said that. I couldn't look her in the eye for days. People ask us ALL the time, "What's the worst part about being a triplet?" One day I'm just going to give in and tell them, "The incest jokes."

6. Rodney Dangerfield. I just don't understand the appeal. Yeah yeah yeah, he don't get no respect. I get the fucking point. Now why don't you shut your mouth and go ruin some other Bill Murray movie.

7. People who are good at everything. Do you know anyone like that? For instance, the Vice President of the Senior Class last year was not only the Vice President, he was also an excellent student, a Thespian, a member of the tennis team, and editor of the school's literary magazine. AND he was openly gay. I mean, how is that even allowed? You hate them, but you can't tell anyone that because they're nice and likable. Makes me sick to my stomach.

8. Dubstep. It is such a big, fucking joke. I'm sorry to those of you who like dubstep, because I know that to some people it's like the best thing since color television, but I do not see what the big deal is. No. Not only that. It's hilarious. It is just SO bad. If the Beatles were Jesus, Dubstep would be the Antichrist.

9. Homophobes. I wish I could put all of THEM in a cage.

10. I strongly dislike Tracy Morgan. He really gets under my skin. One minute I'm laughing my ass off at 30 Rock, then I'm on my hands and knees looking for it, and THEN I'm screaming bloody hell at the television because Tracy Morgan just came on.

11. Girls who say "OMG I just LOVE Regina Spektor" even though they've only heard the songs Fidelity and The Call. Yeah, you know who you are. Confess your sins and maybe God will forgive you--or else you will face eternal damnation in hell.

12. Vanessa Bayer. She's the newest girl on the SNL cast. I just don't think she's funny. She's the opposite of funny, in fact. I thought the SNL skit El Shrinko was like the funniest thing ever, but then she came on and I punched a hole in the wall.

13. Patriotic people.

14. Californians who don't keep their promises.

15. How big my nose is.

16. Amps that are so loud you can't hear the actual music. Also, as a bonus: the fact that the Music Midtown Festival was yesterday and I REALLY wanted to go because Cage the Elephant, the Black Keys, and Coldplay were ALL there but the tickets were like $100. So I'm sad. But also: really loud amps.

17. Annoying little shits named Davis who follow me around everywhere, try to pants me, and ask me if I watch porn. Actually, his name is Davis. I changed it because I don't want to be charged with libel. Is that what libel is? I'm not sure. But yeah, there is this really annoying kid who does all of those things in my Youth Group. He's in middle school. God, I hate middle schoolers. They're like fruitflies.

18. Black censor bars. ALTHOUGH, on second thought, have you seen that College Humor video Censor Bar Art? I'm too lazy to link to it, but it's really cool. And hot. Mostly cool, though. And mostly hot.

19. Ke$ha. She needs to shake her ass a little more and open her mouth a little less. Sorry, was that sexist? I didn't intend it that way. That wasn't a slur against women in general--just her. Because she has a hot ass, but she's not a good singer. I'm really not sexist. Really, I'm not. I'm $exist!!!

20. My fucking headaches.

21. Last one. Twenty one. The big 2-1. Let me think. Um...I think...maybe...oh! I know! Public school kids who are racist against private school kids. As a private schooler, I resent that. I can sympathize, because if I myself was a public schooler (which I probably could never be), I would probably want to beat the shit out of me too. But hey, cool it a little bit, would you? It's not our fault we're walking rape-targets who have everything served to us on a silver platter. Wait, yes it is. Sorry.

On a much much much much much much much much much much much much happier note, I think I've finally found the girl of my dreams! Don't worry, she's not like the last sixteen girls of my dreams. Not at all. This one is AMAZING. She goes to my Church, she's two years older than me but much shorter, she's Dutch, she listens to Gogol Bordello and the Beastie Boys, she has amazing blue eyes and the softest blonde hair you've ever tasted, she has this cool younger brother who is coincidentally also Dutch, she's hilarious, she's into hippie stuff, and she has awesome feet.

I'm thinking about asking her out. It sucks, though, about living in Atlanta, because everyone I know lives at least a thirty minutes drive away. And she lives like an hour away. So I don't know how that would work. But she is just so amazing. This is going to sound really corny, but I don't care because it's really true: I feel fantastic when I'm around her. I get into this great mood. When she hugged me today, I didn't let go. I just held on. Even when she beat my back and started screaming for help, I didn't let go. She makes me feel so special.

Also, most importantly, she told me that my sunglasses and my long-sleeve worked really well together fashion-wise. I bristled with pride. I'll post a picture because in addition to my sexy sunglasses and my beautiful ears, I want you to see that the shirt I'm wearing because OMG it's the same shirt that this random guy is wearing from the video of Ben Folds covering "Sleazy." Awesome shirt. But yeah, I got it from Target. The guy comes in at 52 seconds in case anyone of you actually want to go see it.

Do you guys get pissed that really the only photos I post are either of my cats or me making weird faces in the dark? I hardly ever get to take pictures because I'm literally the only one in my family who does not have a camera. Sorry about that. So yeah, that was my last one. Pinky swear.

I hope this blog post finds you well. I'm not wearing a shirt right now. Just thought I'd let you know.

Speaking of which, you may have noticed that I didn't post the second half of yesterday's post. I may do it later, I may not. That's just how I am. One day I might write an editorial on my view of gun rights. The next day I post a video of myself dancing naked to a dubstep song. Yeah, I know, dubstep. I was surprised too.

Have you guys seen Bugsy Malone? I've become obsessed with it. I also watched a series on YouTube called "After They Were Famous" about what happened to all of the stars after they were done with the movie. And it was SO fascinating and funny and happy. It was probably the highlight of the week. Yeah, I already know that's sad. Don't bother telling me.

ALSO. If you're reading this and you're Julia from I Wish I Were British, I just thought I'd let you know that the reason I haven't commented on your blog for a while is because blogger isn't letting me. It's really weird. But it may be for the best, because I was going to post a kinda creepy comment on your newest post. Rave outfit? Hotness! But yeah, the same applies for some of you other guys too. Blogger is such a scrotum.

Movie Quote of the Day: "I like you temporarily!" -Dog, Up

That Blond Guy

20 people secretly have a crush on me:

L. said...

I don't think anything on this list applies to me. Especially not the Regina Spektor thing. I'm the proud owner of almost all of her albums, even the live one. I'm only missing the album Songs, because you can only buy it from this one place, and they don't ship to places or something.

I do like dubstep, but only dubstep that uses the Legend of Zelda songs to dubstep stuff to. I'm that nerdy.

I, too hate homophobes. It's the twenty first century. Get out from under your rock and join us in the real world, you bigoted freak.

I also hate how big my nose is. I'm just glad I'm not one of those Jewish girls who gets a nose job for their sixteenth birthday. I'm getting a car. Not really, but still.

Congrats on meeting your dream girl! Go after that! Do it! I command you! We need more blond people! It is a recessive gene, anyway!

dirtycowgirl said...

I don't like dubstep either and I'm kinda glad you don't because that means it is not yet another symptom of my impending old age.

Well I said I didn't like it then Son played me this...

Guess there's always room for an exception.

Anna said...

Ouch, the private school public school thing hurts. As a public school kid, you should probably realize the only reason we hate on you all is because we're jealous of your top-notch education, because our education depends on failing budgets. Yeah, I'm a bit touchy about that :P

AND I AM TOTALLY NOT A FAKE REGINA HATER. In fact, I don't even like The Call that much. Does that make me a bad fan..?

Blah, patriots. They make me want to shove a flag down their throats.

Congrats on finding a great girl! Ask her out, NOW. You hear me? NOW.

Anonymous said...

Is it bad that I have no idea what dubstep is? (Probably. Don't judge me. I have a machete.)

Also, homophobes. They make me want to explode. I wish I understood their point of view, but I sincerely can't comprehend why they would view GLTBQs any differently than straight people.

I have a story about my private-school-rape-target-ness. Remind me later.

I was Tallulah in Bugsy Malone a few eons ago! (The Paleozoic era was pretty cool, by the way.)

Anonymous said...

Also, if you haven't already, please check out these musicals:
Avenue Q
25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee
BatBoy (when directed and performed wonderfully - my theatre camp did it and it was amazing, but there have been some terrible productions of it in the past.)
Next to Normal is great as well.
...etc., Book of Mormon, etc.

The Kentucky Cycle
The Glass Menagerie
A Raisin in the Sun
Death of a Salesman
Inherit the Wind (my theatre camp did that show and it was absolutely beautiful)
Lord of the Flies (I saw it in London in an outdoor theatre and sat through a thunderstorm to finish Act II)

Anonymous said...

Oh! Also also! I appreciate the combination of your sunglasses and striped shirt.

Maxwell said...

Do you have any idea how hard I want to punch your genitals after complaining about an hour drive? My current lady is 4 hours away, and I thank my lucky stars she's that close. So nut up, my friend...

Anonymous said...

Also, fruitflies? Extend the analogy, please.

JayJay said...

You have put a lot of thought into this list and that makes it very impressive.

I had to giggle at No# 19. She can't sing...though, to be honest, I haven't checked out her arse.

Ash said...

Totally agree with you about Ke$ha. On both counts. And I am also not sexist... *shifty eyes*.

Kudos on you for finding a girl that legitimately makes you feel good when you're around her. And not just 'in your pants' good, but good in other, more societally accepted ways. Go for it.

And yes, homophobes... really? They still exist? What gives. They're just a bit behind the times.

Peace out, hombre.

RainboRevolver said...

Thanks for letting me know, I've been crying myself to sleep every night for the past week because I've missed your comments so much.


Boyd said...

Excellent list. I also hate super-loud amps, because they'll usually make my ears ring for about a week after I hear them.

Also, patriotic people and homophobes. Two sides of the same coin? You decide!

Screw JH students, they're annoying. I take pleasure in upsetting them, because I somehow feel they deserve it. I was just mean to one. True story.

Keep us posted on your new romance!!

Lemons Don't Make Lemonade said...

Jesus, you're funny when you're pissed.

I have the opposite problem - I hate how DEFLATED my nose looks. Dumb Asian nose.

And Justin Bieber is fucking annoying. Although I think I'm just jealous that someone with an average talent could be THIS famous.

The world is retrogressing, really.

Gabi said...

Great list. Or not so great, depending on how you look at it.

Cosette's musical recommendations make me happy :D

Red Sunshine said...

This was kind of genius xD i agree with most everything, but i actuallly kinda like tracy morgan. i've been watching 30rock for ages and cant bring myself to dislike him, though he kind of deserves it. Great post!

Eeshie said...

Hotness! That picture needs to be your profile picture.

And now I'm being serious: Would you like to help me write a play/musical for my school? And the help I need is probably not in the way you think I need it, but...yeah.

Tell me if you're interested. If not, I still love you.

Mark said...

Good luck with the girl. What's far worse than Justin Bieber are her fans. The ones who view her as Jesus. I don't think she'd be that bad if it weren't for them. Can I call Justin Bieber a girl more? possibly.

That Blond Guy said...

L: Oh, wow. I can't even say that for myself. I've run out of money to buy anything more from iTunes, I only have one CD, and of course I don't have any records because we don't have a record player. But I have listened to all of her songs.

Hey, watch it! I happen to be one of those Jewish girls you're referring to. And I am offended.

I don't know, though. I'm nervous.

dirtycowgirl: Hm...that song was sort of cool, but um. Dubstep not my thing.

Anna: Maybe that's true. I hope that's true. I think it's funny how public school kids all seem to hate private school kids but all of the private school kids I know like worship public school kids.

No, it doesn't make you a bad fan. There's certainly some of her stuff I don't really like that much.

I WANT to ask her out, but I'm scared.

Cosette: Not at all. It's good. Very good. Do you lived in the United States, though? It might just be an American thing.

Ooh story! Do tell!

NO WAY. I ENVY YOU SO MUCH. I WOULD BE PERFECT FOR TALLULAH. No but really that would be so cool to be in a Bugsy Malone production. What was it for?

Thanks for the suggestions. I hadn't heard of the first ones, and I had read/seen/heard of The Glass Menagerie, A Raisin in the SUn, and Death of a Salesman. I've read Lord of the Flies three times.

Maxwell: Go ahead. Do it. Right now.

JayJay: Well you should. You'll thank me.

Ash: Did you see what I did with the s there? Where I made it $exist? I thought that was pretty clever.

Oh, yeah. They still exist. Maybe not in Australia, but in America it's about half and half methinks. Very sad.

Julia: Was that sarcasm? I can't tell. Either way, I'm sorry you've been crying yourself to sleep. I prefer to laugh myself to sleep. That is, laugh until the tranquilizers kick in.

Boyd: Amen! And they keep getting tinier and tinier. I think it's linked to Global Warming.

Lemon: Jesus really is funny when he's pissed. Which is like half of the New Testament.

I don't know what "retrogressing means." I'll assume it has something to do with political science or dogs.

Gabi: Thanks. And oh.

Red Sunshine: No. Tracy Morgan BOOOOOOOOO!

Eeshie: I hope you're not being sarcastic, because I just made it my profile picture.

And YES I'd love to help you with whatever you're talking about. By all means.

Mark: Justin Bieber has a vagina. Ha. And thanks.

Anonymous said...

I'll tell you my story when I'm not exploding from stress.
It was a fringe theatre production - I was the youngest person that got into the show. It was exciting.
Yeah, I live in the US. I'm just a sheltered private school kid. Enlighten me?
I'm glad you like my suggestions. Oh, also check out Bus Stop/Picnic/The Dark at the Top of the Stairs.

Myli said...

A guy called you bubble butt? That's just weird. That's not a very manly thing to say to another guy, but it's a compliment nonetheless lol