Sunday, October 30, 2011

The Rest of the Video Blog and the Mustache I Never Had

Here are the links to the second and third parts of the video.

I know it's been really long, but I don't know what else to do without not answering all of your questions. I do NOT expect anyone to watch all of it. Want me to tell the truth? I haven't even watched all of it. I don't see how anyone could. Just skip to the part where I answer your question.

I do suggest that EVERYBODY watch the first part of the second video, in which I talk in fifteen different languages. Give or take.

My next and last post will probably be in about a week. I don't know what I'm going to have cooked up for you guys, but I hope that it will be something good.

One important thing I forgot to mention. When I was talking about my birthday presents, I forgot to tell you that I also got a new iPod! Before, I just had a nano that only held about 400 songs. Now I have a classic iPod, cool gray, which can hold about five hundred billion thousand songs. Which I think is pretty good.

I have an AP US History essay which I should be doing right now. But in two or three hours, I'll be at a haunted corn maze! Wish me luck!

Before you go. I wrote a poem for this poetry slam type thing at my school which L from [I Am Unimaginative] was kind enough to read earlier and give me encouragement to share at the slam. I'll post this again to my other blog, which I have recently renamed, but I thought I'd post it here because no one really reads my other blog.

I meant for it to be kinda creepy, because the slam is Halloween-themed. But you be the judge. Tell me what you think.

The Man With a Bandage Over His Eyes

He stands like an ink stain in the shadows black
Escapes through the walls through some creeping crack
His lips stretched tight and his face ghostly white
Highlighted so by some eerie light
The man with a bandage over his eyes

He remains there some days from dusk until dawn
Then for days on he is for some reason gone
Where he goes I cannot not say
But when he’s there I pray I pray that he’ll just go away
The man with a bandage over his eyes

He never speaks, never says a word
Just stands there, so still, like some deathly night bird
His expression is blank, like a child’s doll
Although sometimes he smiles, there against the wall
The man with a bandage over his eyes

Last night he followed me to my bedroom door
I lay in bed sweating from every pore
I lay turned away in the thick thick pitch black
But I felt his gaze burning into my back
The man with a bandage over his eyes

I know he’ll come again tonight
His face so pale, so pale and white
The moonlight streams, the cock crows
He’ll take me with him to wherever he goes
The man with a bandage over his eyes


That Blond Guy

Saturday, October 29, 2011

Question and Answer Video Blog, Part 1

This one is REALLY long, so I'm going to post it in two parts. This, as I mentioned before, is NOT my room. It's actually the only place in my house where one can get any privacy. My bedroom does not provide me with any privacy. I can't tell you what the room is, though, because it's sort of confidential.

La la la I'm a link why not click on me and make my day.

Also, here's a hot picture of Jodie Foster and her hot feet:

Jodie Foster is so hot. Too bad she's a lesbian, and that's the truth. God, I want to make sweet, sweet love to her. Look at her face. Look at that face.

And here's a picture of my pumpkin this year:

Out of the two, I might even have sex with the pumpkin over Jodie. Sorry, Jodie, but I really like this pumpkin.

That Blond Guy

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

An Idea for a Video Blog Which I Totally Did NOT Get from Bookish.Spazz

I think it would be cool if I did one last video blog, and I made it like a Q&A video, kinda like Bookish.Spazz did.

So please. Leave a comment and ask me any questions you like and as many as you like. Know no boundaries. Boundary no nose.

Until next time.

Also, watch this: Harry Potter and the X-Rated Trailer. You can thank me later.

Movie Quote of the Day: "Do you mean sleep over?" -Josh, Big

That Blond Guy

Monday, October 17, 2011

Some Pitchas--I Mean, Like, A LOT of Pitchas

It's my birthday in two days. Yeah, I'm happy. Unfortunately, my birthday almost always coincides with Homecoming Week, so I can never do anything with my friends from school, and my friends from my old school are sort of all over the place. So I'm not actually doing anything much this weekend except with my family. We just went to PF Changs. Yuh.

Now how about some pictures. Some of these pictures are really old, and all of them are totally random, but I thought I might as well. Okay, first, here's a pigeon.

That's actually my pet pigeon. His name is Pigeon. Which makes me sort of like the Pigeon Lady. Except I'm not lady. At least as far as you know. Whaaaaaaaaa?

Next, here's a picture I guess I never really showed you guys. It's my art piece from Drawing 2 last year. We took a common, household tool and made a giant portrait of it and did all sorts of weird shit to it. Here's mine:

It's a wrench. In case you can't tell, you dumbass. It took a lot of work. I think it was at least two months in the end. There are like three layers on that drawing. I'm rather proud of it, though. I was fucking sick of it after about the sixth week of working on it, though.

Here's some pictures from the lake that my family and I sometimes go to when the people there are kind enough to loan use their lake house. Yeah, we don't even have our own lake house. We just steal them from other people. We're like rats. Or maggots. If you stay out long enough, you'll come back to your lake house and flip on the lights and we'll squeal and take cover under the couch or something.

That's me and my dad at the lake. I tried singing the song "Cat's in the Cradle" to make him play catch with me, but he just told me to leave him alone.

There's the sunset. Pretty standard sunset, I think. But I like it. Sunsets are nice. My sister is in this picture. Except you can't really see her, because she's drowning under water.

This is a picture of a bee that my dad took. I think it's really really a good picture. I was very impressed. I don't know how it's going to show up on blogger, but the quality is excellent on our camera. The bee looks so colorful--I would eat it if you paid me enough.

Next up, here's a couple of pictures from the studio of Joel Barr. We went to visit his studio a while back and it was insanely cool. He just gave us a little tour and showed us around a bit. It was actually amazing. Afterwards, though, we went to Urban Pl-8, and I didn't like that, because it was rabbit foot. But there you are.

He made a lot of little mini ones. Those are some of them right there that we're looking at. I don't know why I'm standing that way, though. Maybe I'm trying to hide an erection because this art is so awesome.

Here's another of his paintings which I really like. If you wanna see anymore, too bad. Go to his fucking website, you shitheads. But really, check out his website. It's cool. And I don't actually think you're shitheads. I'm sorry.

This is my boy cat, Lucky. You may have heard of him. He is perhaps the greatest cat to have ever stepped on the face of the earth. He likes vibrators, but not the sex toy kind. The back massage kind. And he can talk.

This is a picture I took of my brother, Matthew, on the way back from Texas. There's not really any reason I'm posting this except because 1) the background is really really pretty and 2) he actually somehow looks kind of badass in this picture. And my brother is not one to look badass. So if you're reading this and you know Matthew, don't tell him I posted this picture. Just let him bask in the subconscious glory.

This is a picture of me running track. It looks like it's going to turn out really small, which is a shame, because my face looks hilarious in this picture. But yeah, I'm fourth in the picture, and I'm running the 4X100. I'm beating a black kid! Shut up! That's not racist. I just thought I might mention that he's black because it's an interesting detail.

This is a picture of me, my brother, my sister, and mom as babies. Well, my mom wasn't a baby (ha ha) I hope. But yeah, this is a pretty great picture. I'm in the middle. I'm holding Bunny in my right hand. Bunny is probably the only thing that got me through my childhood. Bunny is a bunny. And he's very soft. He almost got eaten by a dog, but we rescued him.

This is a picture of my brother, me, and a friend from our old school in Boy Scouts in like third or fourth grade staying overnight on the USS Yorktown. It was probably one of the coolest experiences of my life, even though I was not such a huge fan of Boy Scouts. There were four bunks stacked on top of one another. And that night, a bunch of kids from our troop got sick and like all of them were on the very top bunk. Yeah. It was raining vomit. But not in a good way, like sometimes.

Here's a picture of my Jack-o-Lantern from 2009. I think it may possibly be my masterpiece.

Yeah, it creeped the fuck out of me and I made it. So yeah.


Bloggers, meet Swag Face. Swag Face, meet bloggers.

I hope you enjoyed this post. I'm probably going to end this blog around Halloween, so stay tuned until then. I'll try to get my web-comic up and running so I can link it to you guys. Also, if I manage to get a hold of this Dutch girl from EYC and claim her as my own, I will make an exception and come back to tell you guys.

Movie Quote of the Day: "No, Boss, I'm Jewish." -Knuckles, Bugsy Malone

That Blond Guy

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Jack Conte Is One Boss, Bold, Bladed Motherfucker

Seriously, have I not gone on enough about Jack Conte for all of you to have become totally obsessed with him? I thought I hit jackpot when I discovered Pomplamoose, but while Nataly Dawn is an amazing singer, Conte is the real jewel. Is it weird that I just called a man a jewel? I think it's okay as long as I don't say it to his face.

So, as I hope all of you know by now, it's my birthday a week from tomorrow. I'm really excited. I asked my parents if they knew what they were going to get me, and they told me to go fuck myself. So I guess it's going to be a surprise.

I don't really know what I'm going to talk about in the post today. I was going to do a Breakfast Club parody that was like in modern times where I'm casted sort of as the part of Brian, (as if there's any other part I could possibly play). I decided against it, because I went to bed really late last night after I went to this wild rave. A guy died, but we didn't stop dancing. Then the music brought him back to life, and he just got up and started dancing again. Well, actually, he had been asleep. But never underestimate the power of good dubstep.

That would be really really cool to have like a modern Breakfast Club, though. Andrew would be the same sort of Varsity football player jock penis, because that will never really change. Claire would be like the cheerleader Homecoming Queen anorexic Taylor Swift fan, and she would probably wear Uggs because hey. Allison could be like the bizarre Anime fan girl who listens to Bjork and collects porcelain dolls. Brian wouldn't HAVE to be casted as an Indian kid...but I think that would work. And he would be a mathlete and be in robotics and still in high school play Pokemon. Bender COULD be black, but he doesn't have to. Not at all. But he could be. Just putting that out there. And he would be pretty much the same.

Yesterday I saw maybe the scariest movie I've ever seen. It's called The Descent. I don't suggest you watch it if you enjoy caving. It's about a bunch of stone cold bitches who get trapped in a cave and then discover a bunch of scary creatures there who it turns out are humans that got trapped in the cave millions of years ago and evolved into disgusting vampire gnomes. I was hoping that since the women in the movie were all hot they would be like, "Oh, since we're trapped in this cave we might as well have a massive lesbian cave orgy," but that's not what happens at all. It was pretty fucking terrifying. I pissed my pants, and I had to cover up by telling everyone I spilled Diet Coke on them. Then they pointed out that I wasn't drinking Diet Coke, and I just looked at them for a while and then started crying.

I also went with a friend to this great Asian restaurant. I don't actually remember the name, though. So I don't know why I'm telling you. Except I saw a lot of attractive, trendy couples there sitting in booths where the women were staring sadly out the window while their husbands/boyfriends were checking their blackberries or iPhones. It made me really angry. I wanted to grab the men by their shoulders and scream, "Wake up! You have a beautiful woman in front of you! Would you appreciate her and give her a good time for once rather than check your empty gmail inbox for the eleventh time tonight?!" But I didn't. I just leered creepily at them the whole night.

At that same restaurant, I went into the restroom to wash my hands, and there was one of those baby-changing stations inside. It was open, and there was a grown man lying half-naked on it. I screamed, and he started wailing "Change me, mama! Change me!" So then I called the police, but by the time they arrived, he was gone.

Actually, that didn't happen. But it would make for a good story, wouldn't it?

I just found out that Psych started last Wednesday, and I didn't even realize. I might watch it tonight. I actually don't have a ton of curiosity about it because it's gotten so bad now. I'm still going to watch it, though, because Maggie Lawson is literally like my biggest celebrity crush in the world.

Before I go on, I'm going to stop myself and mention that I just read over that last sentence and am realizing that I'm probably the only guy on the face of the entire planet who would ever use the words "literally like my biggest celebrity crush in the world." I guess I'm just special. God made me that way.

But back to Psych, the show has gotten pretty bad, and James Roday isn't exactly as he used to be. But Maggie Lawson is sexy to the power of 23. Yes, I realize that she also is blonde-hair-blue-eyed. (My friends used to tease me about that and I thought it was all good fun until I realized that I have a serious problem. I need to find an Indian chick or something to date so people don't think I'm racist.) But she really is hot. And pretty much the only reason I watch the show anymore.

It's beautiful outside. We've gotten our pumpkins for Halloween.

Homecoming is next weekend. I might go to the game, even though I hate football games, but I don't think I'm going to the dance this year. What's the point? I hate the music, I don't have a date, I'm going to feel depressed afterwards, and what am I doing by attending that dance except buying into the system? I'm not a slave to the system. I never have been. The only way they could make me go the Homecoming Dance is if I was dead. And who would want to bring a dead guy to a dance? That's some fucked up shit.

I don't think I have much else to say. Except that I think I'm going to start a web-comic. Have you seen Cyanide and Happiness? They're kind of like that. (I've made about fifty of them now.) I just need to find someone who knows how to put them on the computer, make a website, and make everything look professional. Shouldn't be too hard.

And if I manage to get it up and running, I'll try to give you the link before The Nerd Archives takes its last breath. Then, if you guys read them and actually like them, maybe you'd even spread them around a bit. That would be awesome. I don't even know if this is going to happen, though.

Knock knock knock knock knock.

Who's there.

Me having sex with your mother last night.

Movie Quote of the Day: "You--you eat like a bird." -Norman Bates, Psycho

That Blond Guy

Saturday, October 8, 2011

I've Made Up My Mind, A Piano Piece I Just Composed, and Guords Look Like Penises

I think I've made up my mind. I am either a) going to murder this blog in the throat and then lick the blood off the knife after I'm done with it, b) going to taking a significantly lengthy hiatus from this blog which might not conclude until pigs fly (a matter of months I imagine), or c) just going to post a lot less frequently. I haven't decided which one yet, and I believe I might still stamp out a few more posts before it comes to that.

One thing I can guarentee--the last post on The Nerd Archives will be so bad-ass that you will suffer permanent damage to your retinas. You will openly weep for several hours, and then you will give birth to a baby you didn't even know you were pregnant with. Billions of people all over the world will fall on their knees to worship it. The sun will begin to revolve around it, and then the Universe will collapse in on itself.

Hopefully when I come back, if I do come back, I'll have written my book. I'm not going to tell you anything about it, I don't think. I probably don't have to tell you that it's insanely fucked up, either. I think that's the only thing that will keep the book going--just like it was the only thing that kept this blog going--to see how far I could take it.

Most importantly, I would love it if you guys would take a look at a YouTube video of the newest piano piece I've written, and I really think it's the best yet. (If I do say so myself.) Some of you really pianists might scoff at it, but I'm awful proud.


If you missed that link, I suggest you check yourself in to a mental hospital. That, or join the Tea Party.

Onto my final and most important matter of business, here are a handful of pictures of guords that look like penises.

This one probably looks most like mine. Long, hard, and disturbingly orange.

This is what I've always imagined a politician's penis would like look like. I think politicians probably look a lot like their penises. Fat, pasty, and pinheaded.

What? You mean your penis doesn't look like this too?

Anyway, I hope you guys enjoyed that as much as I just did. Also, I just started thinking about the end of The Nerd Archives and I got sad because I'm going to be really sad to end the Nerd Archives. You guys better be too. You better be. And you better give me lots of long, juicy comments about how much you're going to miss me and how you've secretly loved me all along.

Finally, look at this picture of my cat and listen to the song Sex, Yeah by Marina and the Diamonds.

Do you think Oedipus Rex ever posted on FML?

Like, "Just killed my dad and banged my mom....FML."

I think so.

Finally, I might as well notify you there's one new poll on the top of the right sidebar. I think you'll enjoy it. At least, I will.

Movie Quote of the Day: "That's not fun. That's propaganda, man. All those Madison Avenue types telling you how to live your life. Fast cars, hot chicks... Reese's Pieces... Gucci... Werther's Original. I don't buy into that bullshit!" -Bobby, It's Kind of a Funny Story

That Blond Guy

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

A Tale About Pepper the Gay Monkey and a Little More Bitching on my Part About Whether or Not I Should End This Blog

Once there was a monkey named Pepper. Pepper was not like most other monkeys in the way that while he was a boy monkey, he did not like girl monkeys. He liked other boy monkeys.

This was apparent to Pepper's parents from a very early age. It was Halloween one year, and while all of Pepper's brothers dressed up as pirates or cowboys, Pepper walked out of his room wearing one of his mother's dresses and a little tiara perched on top of his head. Lipstick was smeared all over his face.

"I'm a beautiful princess," Pepper exclaimed excitedly, stroking the dress lovingly. "I need to find a frog to kiss to turn into a handsome prince."

Pepper's Mama and Papa Monkey exchanged glances. Then Papa Monkey grabbed Pepper's shoulder and led him out back, where he began to beat him violently with a banana.

"Ain't no son 'a mine gone be some fruit!" Papa Monkey yelled, beating his son repeatedly with the banana.

Pepper showed no more signs of liking other boy monkeys until he was about nine-years-old. Mama and Papa Monkey got a call from the local monkey elementary school that Pepper had been trying to hold hands with the other boy monkeys. Mama and Papa Monkey exchanged glances, then Papa Monkey drove over to the school and beat his son with a banana.

"Don't you go touchin' on none more of 'em boy monkeys!" Papa Monkey shouted furiously. "Know yo place!"

Needless to say, Ppper didn't try to hold hands with other boy monkeys for a while after that, but it was obvious that his future was inevitable. He liked wearing pink, he listened to Abba, and he had a poster of James Dean hanging up in his room. When his parents asked him why this was, he claimed it was for "business reasons." He didn't play monkey football with his brother Tom and Craig, preferring to hang out with his sister Louise and talk about their favorite movies or clothes. But Papa Monkey did not have to beat Pepper with a banana again until he was a senior in monkey high school, when he came home with a boy monkey for prom.

Mama and Papa Monkey exchanged glances, then Papa Monkey took the both of them out back and beat them with a banana.

"Y'all's ain't no ladies!" he bellowed. "Y'all's is men!"

Pepper didn't get to go to the prom with the other boy monkey, whose name was Shawn, because both of them were too sore from the banana-beating. They did continue to "go out," though, although Papa Monkey was not aware of this.

It came as a shock, then, when a year after his graduation from monkey high school, Pepper came home with Shawn and announce that they had gotten married. Not surprisingly, Papa Monkey beat both of them with the banana for quite a while, then he found the monkey priest who had married them and beat him with the banana as well.

"You ain't no priest! You ain't no priest!" he hollered.

Pepper didn't see his father for a whole year after that, because he went to live with his new monkey partner, Shawn. Both of them were tired of getting beaten with bananas. Nonetheless, they returned to Pepper's house exactly one year after they had gotten married. They had recently adopted a baby monkey girl named Roseanne. They decided to give Papa Monkey one last chance.

When they rang the doorbell, Papa Monkey opened the door, saw the baby monkey they were holding, and raised his banana to beat it with. But then Pepper grabbed his arm and said, "Papa? Would you really beat a baby with a banana?"

Papa Monkey looked at his son, then at the banana, then at the baby. Then he realized the error of his ways and hugged the baby and his son and Shawn. And everyone was happy and lived happily ever after.

And it was then that I realized that the only reason I wrote this story was so that I could include the line, "Would you really beat a baby with a banana?"


Onto the bitching.

Thank you guys so much for all of your kind, supportive comments on the last post. Yes, I am considering ending this blog, and yes, it is because I have decided to join the circus. I am not FOR SURE going to stop writing on The Nerd Archives, but I'm definitely thinking about it.

I know a lot of you suggested I could just post a little less frequently, but I think that if I really wanted to get the book written, I would have to stop writing altogether--or at least take a significantly lengthy hiatus from The Nerd Archives.

But I don't know what to do. One thing I'm worried about is that if I stop writing on The Nerd Archives, I won't be funny ever again. I wasn't funny when I started this blog, so why should I be funny if I end it? I don't know what to do. But thanks to all of you guys for your advice. You'll be supporting me until the very end. You promise. What's that? You're the ones who are supposed to say that? Fuck that.

New single by Coldplay? FUCK YEAH. New single by Marina and the Diamonds? What the hell. She's not a popstar. Since when has she been a popstar? This song was a betrayal on many levels.

Movie Quote of the Day: "I haven't been fucked like that since grade school," Marla Singer, Fight Club

That Blond Guy