Saturday, October 15, 2011

Jack Conte Is One Boss, Bold, Bladed Motherfucker

Seriously, have I not gone on enough about Jack Conte for all of you to have become totally obsessed with him? I thought I hit jackpot when I discovered Pomplamoose, but while Nataly Dawn is an amazing singer, Conte is the real jewel. Is it weird that I just called a man a jewel? I think it's okay as long as I don't say it to his face.

So, as I hope all of you know by now, it's my birthday a week from tomorrow. I'm really excited. I asked my parents if they knew what they were going to get me, and they told me to go fuck myself. So I guess it's going to be a surprise.

I don't really know what I'm going to talk about in the post today. I was going to do a Breakfast Club parody that was like in modern times where I'm casted sort of as the part of Brian, (as if there's any other part I could possibly play). I decided against it, because I went to bed really late last night after I went to this wild rave. A guy died, but we didn't stop dancing. Then the music brought him back to life, and he just got up and started dancing again. Well, actually, he had been asleep. But never underestimate the power of good dubstep.

That would be really really cool to have like a modern Breakfast Club, though. Andrew would be the same sort of Varsity football player jock penis, because that will never really change. Claire would be like the cheerleader Homecoming Queen anorexic Taylor Swift fan, and she would probably wear Uggs because hey. Allison could be like the bizarre Anime fan girl who listens to Bjork and collects porcelain dolls. Brian wouldn't HAVE to be casted as an Indian kid...but I think that would work. And he would be a mathlete and be in robotics and still in high school play Pokemon. Bender COULD be black, but he doesn't have to. Not at all. But he could be. Just putting that out there. And he would be pretty much the same.

Yesterday I saw maybe the scariest movie I've ever seen. It's called The Descent. I don't suggest you watch it if you enjoy caving. It's about a bunch of stone cold bitches who get trapped in a cave and then discover a bunch of scary creatures there who it turns out are humans that got trapped in the cave millions of years ago and evolved into disgusting vampire gnomes. I was hoping that since the women in the movie were all hot they would be like, "Oh, since we're trapped in this cave we might as well have a massive lesbian cave orgy," but that's not what happens at all. It was pretty fucking terrifying. I pissed my pants, and I had to cover up by telling everyone I spilled Diet Coke on them. Then they pointed out that I wasn't drinking Diet Coke, and I just looked at them for a while and then started crying.

I also went with a friend to this great Asian restaurant. I don't actually remember the name, though. So I don't know why I'm telling you. Except I saw a lot of attractive, trendy couples there sitting in booths where the women were staring sadly out the window while their husbands/boyfriends were checking their blackberries or iPhones. It made me really angry. I wanted to grab the men by their shoulders and scream, "Wake up! You have a beautiful woman in front of you! Would you appreciate her and give her a good time for once rather than check your empty gmail inbox for the eleventh time tonight?!" But I didn't. I just leered creepily at them the whole night.

At that same restaurant, I went into the restroom to wash my hands, and there was one of those baby-changing stations inside. It was open, and there was a grown man lying half-naked on it. I screamed, and he started wailing "Change me, mama! Change me!" So then I called the police, but by the time they arrived, he was gone.

Actually, that didn't happen. But it would make for a good story, wouldn't it?

I just found out that Psych started last Wednesday, and I didn't even realize. I might watch it tonight. I actually don't have a ton of curiosity about it because it's gotten so bad now. I'm still going to watch it, though, because Maggie Lawson is literally like my biggest celebrity crush in the world.

Before I go on, I'm going to stop myself and mention that I just read over that last sentence and am realizing that I'm probably the only guy on the face of the entire planet who would ever use the words "literally like my biggest celebrity crush in the world." I guess I'm just special. God made me that way.

But back to Psych, the show has gotten pretty bad, and James Roday isn't exactly as he used to be. But Maggie Lawson is sexy to the power of 23. Yes, I realize that she also is blonde-hair-blue-eyed. (My friends used to tease me about that and I thought it was all good fun until I realized that I have a serious problem. I need to find an Indian chick or something to date so people don't think I'm racist.) But she really is hot. And pretty much the only reason I watch the show anymore.

It's beautiful outside. We've gotten our pumpkins for Halloween.

Homecoming is next weekend. I might go to the game, even though I hate football games, but I don't think I'm going to the dance this year. What's the point? I hate the music, I don't have a date, I'm going to feel depressed afterwards, and what am I doing by attending that dance except buying into the system? I'm not a slave to the system. I never have been. The only way they could make me go the Homecoming Dance is if I was dead. And who would want to bring a dead guy to a dance? That's some fucked up shit.

I don't think I have much else to say. Except that I think I'm going to start a web-comic. Have you seen Cyanide and Happiness? They're kind of like that. (I've made about fifty of them now.) I just need to find someone who knows how to put them on the computer, make a website, and make everything look professional. Shouldn't be too hard.

And if I manage to get it up and running, I'll try to give you the link before The Nerd Archives takes its last breath. Then, if you guys read them and actually like them, maybe you'd even spread them around a bit. That would be awesome. I don't even know if this is going to happen, though.

Knock knock knock knock knock.

Who's there.

Me having sex with your mother last night.

Movie Quote of the Day: "You--you eat like a bird." -Norman Bates, Psycho

That Blond Guy

7 people secretly have a crush on me:

RainboRevolver said...

Teehee. I loved the bit about the dead guy at the rave. I actually have been to raves where people have died o.O

Lovely post, as always, darling.

Boyd said...

That Breakfast Club parody would be pretty sweet. I never thought about it, but you totally look like Anthony Mark Hall!

In the remake of it, Brian would probably be secretly athletic, and a bit of a hipster. Allison would be ALL OVER him in it, more fun for the jock. He'd be the same, but a less popular...the dynamic has shifted, where the actual athletes don't rule the world anymore.

With Bender, you could go one of two ways. He could be the popular boy instead, because the popular girls really do seem to fall for the bad guys nowadays. Alternately, he could be a match for Allison, because a lot of the burnouts seem to blend with the anime girls quite well.

Hmmm...I'd really be interested in what a remake of this would look like, actually. Probably more like the new Footloose, sadly...

Furree Katt said...

i want to see The Descent :O
you should date me, i'm Pakistani. or at least take me with you to your homecoming dace. pretty pleeease!

dirtycowgirl said...

"who would take a dead guy to a dance"...well according to the first part of this there was one at a rave so you might get lucky.

Love those cartoons - I hope you get the site set up, or at least give them their own blog.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for commenting on my blog! You're my favorite. (Also also also, please read my story that is probably around my third post ever.)

I'm glad you'd marry me without question. (I was a failure and voted on my own poll. Twice. I didn't even vote for the write answer. I'm silly.)

I love how you actually read my blog. How about you marry me now?

Your post is wonderful, as always. I'm getting mixed messages about your feelings for dubstep, though...

Anonymous said...

You know what's going to happen to me when you leave? I am going to eat a baguette without chewing. That's right, I'm going to shove it down my throat like a sword swallower (no innuendo here) and then crush it with the stones in my stomach. (I'm taking a leaf from the cows' book.) Then I'll curl up in a corner and cry until my eyes shrivel up.
Love you. If you know how to message, message me and then I'll share my views on life, porpoises, etc.

Bookish.Spazz said...

I hope the cartoon thing works out for you!

I would tell all of my friends about you and brag that I knew you before you started the website.

I don't like scary movies.