Thursday, September 29, 2011

Warning! This Post Was Inspired by the Third-to-Last Freaks and Geeks Episode

It is currently 11:18 in the PM. I just finished Episode 16 of the old 90's TV show Freaks and Geeks which tragically got cancelled after the eighteenth episode, which I still have yet to watch. (So I swear: if any of you spoil it, I will slit your throats and drink your blood! Fuck off!)

I will say that it was a really happy episode. And because I'm such a huge sucker for happy endings, the result is usually that I write a late night post on The Nerd Archives. Usually I delete it, but sometimes not early enough, and some people see it. And they never come back.

I wish I had a person in my life who I could write letters to. Nobody wants to write letters. It's just not a thing anymore. I wish it was. I really wish it was. I think I've only written one serious, long, not-a-thank-you-note letter in all my life. And it's so satisfying. You know what's not satisfying? Trying to write a meaningful e-mail. That doesn't make sense. A meaningful e-mail? That's an oxymoron. Like jumbo shrimp or Al Gore.

I still write e-mails to my best friend, because I don't think he'd be up to writing letters and because we go to different schools and don't see each other often that's the only way we can really talk. Other e-mails I get are forwarded messages about the world ending or people from Saudi Arabia asking for money. Which of course I have to accept. They're writing in all-caps!

I used to have sort of what you could call "meaningful" e-mail exchanges with this one girl I knew from way back when. (God, I sound like such a prick saying "meaningful e-mails." I'll stop now. Really.) I could really connect with her. There was just something about her that made me want to take a picture of the moon, print it, eat it, and then call it performance art. She was amazing.

But I fucked it up. I fucked it up with her. It could never have worked anyway, because she moved, as all girls tend to do when I tell them that I think they have pretty faces and say I think we should get married. But at least I could have made the most of it, instead of being the weird little wimp I was back then. I'm not going to go into it, because I'm probably going to start crying and breathing real fast, but just know that she was like the most amazing girl in the world, and that I fucked it up.

I'm fed up with being me. I wish I was the type of guy who could just seize life by the tits and have my way with it. But I'm not, really. I'm a writer. I'm a vampire. I'm a nerd. I'm the type of guy who thinks about taking chances, doesn't, and then blogs about how much he wishes he took chances.

I really miss elementary school. I was an annoying-ass little brat, but everything was so simple. Classes were easy, I had the best friends in the world who I could talk to about anything, I had just discovered the Beatles, and we had recess. And I probably talked to girls more than I do now. It's sad, I know. But I probably talked to more girls in elementary school than I do now. Granted, they were also third graders and we were playing duck-duck-goose in music class--a tactic I rarely use nowadays. But at least I talked to them. Girls are just guys with vaginas, make-up, and long hair--why am I so afraid of them? Ah, if only I was eleven-years-old again. I had game.

Yeah, I wish I had someone to write letters to. But who could I write? If it was a stranger, what if it's a serial killer who might track me down and cut off my penis? I don't want that to happen. I like my penis. And I like to think that it likes me. We're good together. But I always could write a stranger. Like in Mary and Max.

It's almost midnight. I think I am going to ask out that girl. Maybe not tomorrow, or even the day after that, but when the time is right. I'm not just going to stuff my hands in my pockets, tell her good night, drive home, and then bang my head against the Jennifer's Body poster in my room like I usually do. I'm going to kiss her. Then I'm going to go home, look at myself in the mirror, and think to myself, "I'd do that guy."

I think I better end this post. I'm making a fool out of myself. I don't think I'm going to do a movie quote today. Instead, watch the entire Freaks and Geeks series up to Episode 16. Then we can watch the last two together. You'll thank me.

That Blond Guy

11 people secretly have a crush on me:

Eeshie said...

We have the same hidden desire of exchanging letters...I really really really really wish I had a pen pal. Olivia and I used to write letters to each other after I moved away from her town, but then...I don't know. I really blame Olivia for what happened next because SHE DISCOVERED EMAIL. DAMN YOU, OLIVIA. DAMN YOU.

Oh and while we're on the topic of Olivia: It's her birthday! September 30!

I see you've listened to my advice about the profile picture. I approve *strokes chin*

We could exchange letters. That's an offer. Nay -- it's an HONOR to exchange letters with me, cause my letters are wildly awesome. Unless of course, one of us is afraid of being stalked by the other since we'll know each others addresses.



Annnd you agreed to help me with the musical/play! Yay! Yay! Yay!

I thought you were going to say no. Hm.

Well for starters, I just need basic help. Do you have ANY plot ideas for a musical/play? And when I say plot ideas, I mean the CRAZIER the BETTER. I asked you for help because you are ONE with the crazy and better things in life.

So. I'm going to tell you what happens in Freaks and Geeks. JUST KIDDING HAHA I FOOLED YOU.

RainboRevolver said...

Ask the girl out. Do it. Don't let yourself live the rest fo your life wondering "what if..." or "how great would she have been in bed..."


I want to write you a letter. For serious.

Anonymous said...

I completely empathize with you - I have that feeling a lot. I have one very good long-distance friend with whom I communicate through text and phone calls, but I never have time to write a letter and I miss him awfully; but more than that, I just wish I had that experience.

I'm feeling lonely, too.

You know, I think we should be friends. Cool? Cool. Motion passed.

Katie said...

dude, I have like four penpals.

but what I really want is someone like the friend Charlie wrote too. someone who wouldn't know it was me writing to them.

Magixx said...

nice stuff dude, keep it up! lovin' it

Kev D. said...

I took life by the tits once. I don't think she liked it very much, and I ended up where I am.

Kay said...

I love writing letters. And I loved this post. The way you describe girls you're interested in is just beautiful. Chicks dig writers.

I've missed you, Blondie! Sorry I haven't been commenting :(

Boyd said...

I loved this. Chuck Klosterman once talked about how late at night, everything seems connected and the universe is almost understandable. I have a feeling you were aware of this sensation while writing this post.

Also, you need to ask that girl out. Do it right; be as awesome as you clearly are! You'll dazzle her, if she's worth dazzling to begin with.

L. said...


On another note, I wish that I wrote letters. There is this one thing that I found, called Letters From Strangers. You just write an anonymous letter to a stranger and then you get one in return. I haven't sent one yet. But I have written anonymous letters. It's hard to write the letter because you end up letting too much out.

At least you can talk to girls. I'm under the impression that I'm completely undesirable to the entire male gender because I don't think that any guy has liked me, ever. Not a joke. Maybe it's my personality, maybe I'm just unlovable. Either way I'm screwed for semi-formal this spring if I can't get a date.


Anonymous said...

As well as indie bands, listen to these:
Manhattan Transfer
Fleetwood Mac
Aretha Franklin
Leslie Gore
...etc., etc. Just please. They're fabulous.

Gabi said...

I'm actually in this letter chain thing with some internet friends, where we send around letters in order.
And then another one of those internet friends is my pen-pal.
So, yeah. Use the internet.

(also, ask her out. *applies steady peer pressure*)