Friday, September 23, 2011

Aaaaaaaah Nicolai Is Back and He's Hungry for Brains!!!!

I know you guys are sick and tired of The Blogging Survey Named Nicolai. For some reason, none of you were as amused by it as I was. I will tell you that I have a lot of seriously fantastic blog posts in the making, but I have to let them ferment so it might take a while. IN THE MEAN TIME, I thought I might MYSELF answer the Blogging Survey Named Nicolai. For those of you who just can't bring yourselves to read that, here's a hilarious picture of the Cookie Monster. If you make it that far, you can pat yourself on the back and then go home. Thanks for reading.

1) Please state your name for the record?

To my friends, I'm Chris. To my family, I'm Topher. To my enemies, I'm Puke Face. To my cats, I'm Meow. But to me, I am and will always be Lord Awesome Dude. Which is my name. So yeah, you can call me that from now on.

2) If you were a penguin, on the other hand, what do you think your name would be? Hypothetically speaking, of course.


3) Would you consider your ears to be smaller than average, average, larger than average, or freakishly large?

Freakishly large. Kids at school used to call me mean names like Dumbo and Eeyore. Stuff like that. When I went to sleep, my brother and sister would hide a number of small objects in my cavernously large ears just to prove that they could. I had to wake up every morning and pull out everything they had hidden there, crying softly from humiliation and shame. It was something I don't think I'll ever recover from.

4) Are you more of a Beatles or an Elvis fan? (If you answer the latter, please proceed to go set yourself on fire and then die in a hole.)

You know what Elvis was? He was a big, fat, racist greaseball. What? He's so amazing because he can shakes his hips a little? I don't think so. Why was everyone so amazed by his "look?" Sunglasses? Yeah, big deal--he had overly-sensitived retinas. And the hair? I'm not even sure that all of that was his hair. I'm thinking he just had a bizarrely shaped head. Sideburns? Big deal. You know who had sideburns WAY before Elvis was around? Wolverine.

5) Have you ever killed anyone? If so, did you do it with your bare hands?

I killed a man. With THIS thumb. ;)

(If only a winking emoticon could be the proper way to cite a quotation. Instead of all of that bibliography and parenthetical documentation shit, just do this: ;). And maybe an LOL for good measure.)

6) If you could use any fruit to describe the size and shape of your head, what fruit would you use?


Wha? You got somethin to say?

7) Is there any famous person you'd go gay for? Please state their name. This question is, of course, purely for academic purposes.

Rick Perry.

8) If you had the choice, would you rather go to space, meet Paul McCartney, scuba dive in the Pacific Ocean, or sleep with Carmen Electra?

First I would definitely go to space. Then I would go scuba diving. Then, probably, meet Paul McCartney. Surprisingly, Carmen Electra would probably be last. I mean, I don't know where that thing has been.

9) How long have you had your blog? What made you start one?

This blog was started in January of 2010. The voices told me to do it.

10) What is your weirdest phobia?

I'm actually afraid of sleep. You better believe it. It was a lot worse when I was little, though, so I have gotten better. But the idea of not being conscious--not being able to think--is more terrifying than anything I could ever imagine. For me, sleep gives me a taste of nonexistence.

Also, I have pretty fucked up dreams sometimes. I don't want to share them, because you could probably have me committed. Really. Although I will tell you that the most notable of them involves elements such as Zachary Levi, fluffy pink handcuffs, and peanut butter.

11) Do you believe in God?

The question is: you do God in believe?

12) If you could start a collab. blog with any four bloggers, which ones would you do it with?

Now I see why you guys were uncomfortable answering this question. I don't really know. Anyone I would form a blogging team with would have to be able to be able to stand my overwhelming weirdness, would have to listen to good music, and would have to have seen Fight Club. With those qualifications in mind, I would probably go with Jennelle, Gabi, Boyd, and RainboRevolver. Sorry, guys. Father Christopher has selected you for his flock. May God have mercy on your souls.

If you were trapped on a desert island with the same four bloggers you mentioned in the last question, which one would you eat first? With which one would you procreate?

I would eat Boyd because in my experience bass guitarists usually taste delicious. (That's what she said.) Then I would probably just procreate with myself (implying masturbation), but I'd make the rest of them watch.

Was that too much? Felt like too much. Why'd I write this question?

14) What's your favourite 80's movie?

Better Off Dead.

15) What kind of music do you listen to?

Ha ha ha HA. Bitch. Don't even. Don't even.

16) Imagine that you open your bedroom closet one day and suddenly a portal opens up. You can't see what is at the end of the portal, but there is a totoro inside it motioning you to follow him. Would you go inside, even if it might mean you'll never come back?

I was actually really interested to hear all of your answers to this question, and I found ALL of them to be PROFOUNDLY DISAPPOINTING. I thought long and hard about it, and I think that I would.

17) If you're a woman, do you find facial hair on men attractive? If you're a man, do you find facial hair on woman attractive?

Yes. Yes I do.

18) Do you like babies?

Only the sound of them crying.

19) What's the most violent thing you've ever done to an inanimate object?

Any of you who read this blog last Easter when I talked about what I did to my sister's cell phone will know the answer to this question. Yeah, I deleted that post. I don't want those photographs to be used against me when I run for President in twenty years.

20) What's the most embarrassing thing that's ever happened to you?

So many embarrassing things have happened to me in my life. My life is an embarrassment. Amazingly, it's probably not the story I told in the post below. It's probably not when I told that girl she had beautiful eyes and then had to stand there for two minutes like a total prick while she talked to that other guy. It's probably not when my whole homeroom class sang Happy Birthday to me in middle school and I turned really red and then someone shouted out "Look how red he's turning" and I turned even more red. It's probably not when I accidentally called my Pre-K teacher "Mom." It's probably not when in middle school I left a message on a girl's phone telling her I liked her but then when I saw her the next week, I was too embarrassed to even mention it. It's probably not when in Youth Group a few years ago, I said that the famous prophet of the Muslim religion was not "Muhammad" but "Muhammad Ali." It's probably not even when I went to my first birthday party in the city of Atlanta in first grade and watch the other kids give the birthday boy footballs, basketballs, and video games only to--par my mother's suggestion--give him a Max Steel action figure. I don't know what it is. It's all of these things. And none of them.

21) Do you think the world will end in 2012?

Not if Barrack Obama can help it.

22) Have you enjoyed this survey? Be honest, now.

Not really. Sorry I made you go through with this guys. I'm gonna go eat some paint chips and watch Doctor Who.

23) Are you following The Nerd Archives? If not, DO YOURSELF THE FAVOUR OF DOING SO NOW!!!!

Yeah yeah yeah buddy. Why don't you calm down and use your inside voice. You're a sixth grader. You've got to start acting like one.

On a side note, is it more important to you guys that I respond to your comments or that I blog more frequently. You can only choose one, because one has to represent the red pill and one has to represent the blue pill. Not really though. I just want to know if it's even worth it responding to your comments because I don't know whether or not you even read my responses.

Movie Quote of the Day: "I love my dead gay son!" -Father, Heathers

That Blond Guy

12 people secretly have a crush on me:

Eeshie said...

Of course we read your responses. Duhh.

L. said...

You...You chose me as one of the people you would start a collab blog with...Awww, dammit, I'm blubbering...I hate blubbering...At least I know you wouldn't eat me. Or would you? I apologize for my crudeness, but I'm not getting rid of that joke.

Oh, and since you posted my real name and not L. I almost didn't get that you meant me. That is how dumb I am. But then I thought, how many other Jennelle's are there on Blogger?

And then I got it.

Mark said...

I think I might be afraid of sleep too.

dirtycowgirl said...

If you were a penguin you would have the same name as my Dad and my Grandad.

Is there something my Dad needs to tell me ? He was in the navy so he MIGHT of been to the Arctic.

Bookish.Spazz said...


Oh, and yes. I do indeed read your responses. I'd be stupid not to.

cricketfreak said...

I like your responses. They're so much more amusing than my boring comments.

That Blond Guy said...

Eeshie: Thanks a lot, Eeshie. Thanks.

L: Yes. You're welcome. You can make it up to me later.

Oh, sorry. It's just confusing because "L" is just a single letter. So it looks like a typo when I incorporate it into a paragraph.

Ha ha, that's what you are to me. A typo.


Mark: Intriguing.

dirtycowgirl: I think a better way to phrase that would be that your dad and granddad have the same name as my hypothetical penguin name.

Bookish: He's. Mine.

cricketfreak: Thanks!

PeaceLoveandSharpies said...

The reason why I never fill out surveys is because whenever I see them, the blogger filling them out is absolutely freaking hilarious.

I sound like a douchey 12 year old when I try to be funny. :(

Boyd said...

I'm so dang flattered!!! I would absolutely taste delicious, by the way.

I used to have a Max Steel action figure. I liked action figures, though, so it was all good.

Gabi said...

I HAVE BEEN CHOSEN. This is great. I'll even eat human entrails for the initiation ceremony. No, I won't eat human entrails. Maybe, like, vegetable entrails, because that's just what vegetarians do, yo! (I have (tried and) failed to do the yo thing before, but I can't seem to stop.)

Also, I do enjoy your comment replies, but if you won't post as frequently if you do reply then I guess I'll just have to do without personally tailored brilliance.

the penguin gazette said...

If you really were a PENGUIN named Reginald you would probably be one of my PENGUIN ELITE...just saying.

Anonymous said...

Did you, perchance, JUDGE MY TOTORO RESPONSE?!