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Sunday, January 2, 2011

Happy New Year and a Brief Scrutiny of Texas Banter

Happy New Year, everybody! I am hereby welcoming myself back to The Nerd Archives, because I know it's likely that no one else will. If you still wish to welcome me back to The Nerd Archives, I hope you are not put off by the fact that I have already welcomed myself back to The Nerd Archives, and I sincerely hope that you do proceed to welcome me back to The Nerd Archives.

I returned at around 11 last night from Texas. Our flight was delayed several times, but it was all right, because I had plenty of books to read, a handful of fashion magazines, and a grilled cheese sandwich from Dunkin' Donuts. It was also sped up considerably by the fact that we spent a lot of it bumping into this Canadian family who had been with us ever since we turned in our rental car at the same lot as them and found out that they were flying to Atlanta from San Antonio just like us. It made it all worth it that they were totally like the stereotypical Canadians. They very honestly added the word "eh" to the end of every sentence. It was nice, though, because they were some of the only ones at our terminal who didn't look absolutely miserable and suicidal. Being Canadian can come in handy, eh?

Although I did have a pleasant time in Texas, sometimes I find it difficult to put up with all of the racism, Republicanism, blistering heat, Evangelicalism, lap dances themed on the Wild West, murder mystery novels, taxidermy, over-promotion of Toy Story 3, and, of course, THE TEXAS BANTER.

If you're like me, you quickly tire of small talk. It's often miserable for you to talk about things like the weather or a mutual friend who recently came down with a mild form of cowpox but still managed to deliver her baby the same day. Corny jokes make you squirm, and you have at least once in your lifetime killed a man because he just wouldn't stop talking. But believe me, my small dwarf friends, you haven't seen anything until you've become an unwilling participant in Texas banter.

It. Is. Insufferable. Do you any idea what it's like to begin every single meal with the words "This looks good enough to eat"? To begin every dessert with the words "Well, I reckon there's enough apple pie here for me, but what about the rest of you?" To be greeted every five minutes with a "Howdy" and a "Hope you're not too scared to play me in dominoes this evenin"? To be told regularly every other round during a game of cards (which is already tragic enough as it is), "Now watch your uncle, Christopher. He cheats like an Irishman"? I should be congratulated for coming out of there alive. And not flipping out and threatening to murder everyone in the household with the sharp edge of a baby carrot. Well, actually, I did do the last thing. Heh. Yeah. Embarrassing.

I hope everyone else's New Years' were as fantasticalicious (that's for you, Eeshie) as mine. I've been reading some of your posts and it certainly sounds like it. Heavy drinking, sex, fireworks, drug abuse, baking powder and vinegar volcanoes, gardening, investing in small businesses, watercolor painting, three-legged racing, small puppies, reading my Bible, tennis shoes with colorful laces, school, etc. (Sorry, halfway through I got distracted and started making a list of my favourite things.) Meanwhile, I spent New Years Eve with my grandparents, drinking Italian soda and sparkling grape juice and talking about our favourite memories from 2010.

Somehow, though, I'm not regretful that my New Years celebration was kind of goody goody. If any of you are wondering if it gets tiresome to be the perfectly well-behaved child--"a parents' wet dream" in the words of Judd Nelson--it does. But I like old people, and I like foreign soda drinks even more, and so I think it works out best for me in the end. The nerd.

But it is nice to be back in Atlanta. I'd forgotten what black people look like.

And now it's 2011! Can you believe it? Many wonderful things happened this year. Albums released by Vampire Weekend, Cold War Kids, Yeasayer, Band of Horses, and Arcade Fire. Healthcare reform and the repeal of Don't Ask Don't Tell. Leap Year, 500 Days of Summer, Alice in Wonderland, Inception, The Girl Who Played with Fire, It's Kind of a Funny Story, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, and Love and Other Drugs came out. (I haven't seen the last one yet, but I can't wait to see Anne Hathaway naked--they showed us next to nothing in Havoc). I also believe the eleventh Shrek movie came out. Mike Myers and Eddie Murphy: what the hell happened to you?

Aside from popular culture, a number of good things happened to me last year, but I won't list those because I'm paranoid and have recently become under the impression that my life is like a more blonde and less entertaining sequel to The Truman Show, in which case I would want my part to be played by Ellen Page.............stop looking at me like that.

In regard to my last post, I know that my list resulted in an uproar of rage, disgust, disappointment, animosity, irritation, violence, envy, gluttony, lust, pride, sneeziness, and hungriness from my readers. I have no response to your complaints, but will instead inform you that during the Break I found a girl who fits all the first 24 descriptions on my list. Unfortunately, she's nine. She is Russian, and she says my name in a way that's kind of cute, but again--she's nine. And also, she's my second cousin.

Happy New Year!

Cheers,
That Blond Guy

13 people secretly have a crush on me:

Mischief Managed said...

Welcome back, That Blond Guy. By the way, Toy Story 3 was not over-promoted... I freaking cried at the end of that movie. Like, full on sobbing. So sad.
And, uh, I mean, have fun with that 9 year-old second cousin of yours...?

Eeshie said...

:O
I. Was. Mentioned.
*Laughs giddily*
Fantasticalicious. It belongs in a dictionary.

Eeshie said...

Oh yes and before I forget! Mischief Managed is RIGHT. Toy Story 3 was so good! What did you not like about it??

Shenge said...

To be honest, I haven't even seen Toy Story 2 yet... don't kill me. And I'm guessing I will never be welcome in Texas. I don't think I would be anyway, I don't have white skin. eh.

Anyways, glad you enjoyed new year's eve, and I hope you have an epic 2011!

Mischief Managed said...

Oh YEYAH, someone agrees with me. By the way, I didn't mention this before, but my New Years was not full of sex and drinking. YOU'RE NOT ALONE :D

Boyd said...

Welcome back! Congrats on not killing anyone over small talk! (that's something I intend to work on over the new year - too many skeletons in my closet...)

RainboRevolver said...

Hey man, happy new year :)
500 Days of Summer came out in 2009, but who's obsessed enough to know? Heh..

Texas banter can't be nearly as bad as Kentucky banter. My biology teacher last year was from Kentucky, some of the phrases she used were absolutely ridiculous!

Have a nice day.

Lexa Be said...

Poor you, the girl of your dreams is nine and related to you. Pity.

On the bright side I was mentioned in the New York Times and spent my New Years partying and drinking soda and sparkling cider because I live in Utah, where any kind of adult partying seems nonexistent... regardless of the fact I'm only 17. Still, I joined you in the no drinking, no sex kinda night. Go us!

- Lexa Be

Kassandrah said...

I don't know any canadians who use the word eh more than once a day.

Smokey_Cat said...

hahha you wrote 'she is nine' and the first time I read your post, I thought it said 'she is MINE'...
well, it's just a matter of what 7-8 more years, she could be yours!

Kindros said...

Welcome back and happy new year. No drinking here that night, just playing card games with fiance's family. Fun times.

Glad you made it out alive and innocent. :)

That Blond Guy said...

Thanks to all of you for commenting! In response to all of your comments, I have this to say:

1) I LOVED Toy Story 3. LOVED it. Loved it like female athletes love one-pound weights. But you'd get what I was talking about if you spent a week in that town.
2) I didn't mean to discriminate against Canadians. The only people I discriminate against are blacks, Mexicans, and homosexuals.
3) Did I ever say I WOULDN'T date this girl just because she's nine and my second cousin? Gee, you guys are so close-minded. You sound just like my parents.

Mischief Managed said...

I hope you were joking about that lil discrimination thingamabob.