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Sunday, December 26, 2010

My Ideal Girlfriend

I know there's a long list of hopefuls lining up on The Nerd Archives to have my hand in marriage. Some of you are women. Some of you are men. Some of you are artificially intelligent robots with recently installed reproductive organs like Robin Williams in that movie Bicentennial Man and now oh God I'm thinking about that movie and I want to cry it was so sad don't watch it or you'll be depressed for like two years. But the bottom line is that there are a lot of you and I need a way to sort out which ones of you are serious about it and which ones just want to date me for my money.

So here's a list of qualities for my ideal girlfriend:

1) Both Jewish and naturally blonde. I know that's unlikely, so I suppose you can be half-Jewish if you really want to. I think Jewish girls are totally spicy, but I need to marry a blonde girl so our baby can have hair like James Spader in Pretty in Pink (which is NOT a chick flick!)

2) It's kind of pushing it to go even further with the nationality bit, but it really would be awesome if she was also from either Europe or Russia. Yeah...Russia. That's sexy. Preferably she would speak in kind of broken English.

3) I don't really need a stunningly beautiful girlfriend, but it's true that looks are more important to me than they should be. I don't want to have to close my eyes while we make love. In fact, it would be quite nice to have a stunningly beautiful girlfriend. Chauvinist pigs: UNITE!

4) I'd like my girlfriend to be a bit slow. Not too slow, though. Just slow enough that I don't have to feel stupid talking to her. I'm intimidated by intelligent women. She should be into poetry/art/literature, but I still need to be able to trick her into sex.

5) I think it's best if she's not a Psych fan. As much as I love(d) that show, I can't let her realize that I occasionally steal jokes from it.

6) She needs to have a stellar taste in music. The Beatles, Vampire Weekend, and Michael Jackson being the minimum qualifications. I don't think I'd ever date an avid Elvis fan. And there's no room for Lady Gaga or Katy Perry in my house. She can't listen to pop unless she wants to be beaten half to death every night before we go to bed. (Don't worry--I mean that in a completely sexual way.)

7) At the very least a half-decent writer

8) Not taller than me or more physically aggressive than me in any way whatsover (am I sounding insecure right now?)

9) Although I know it 's unlikely that I'll ever chance upon a girl who's more than moderately athletic, it'd be sweet if she was into exercise, just like jogging and aerobics. Ooh, and yoga!

10) A fan of Dustin Hoffman, Tom Hanks, and Johnny Depp but not just because she thinks any of them are hot. And decent movie knowledge. She has to have seen Psycho, The Breakfast Club, Stranger than Fiction, and The Fisher King.

11) Intense blue eyes that make me feel as though my heart is being run through with a magic sword every time I stare into them

12) I think it'd be awesome if she just dabbled into bisexuality. Not a serious bisexual, but maybe she kissed a chick at this one slumber party at the conclusion of a pajama-clad pillow fight. Or she participated in an all-girl spin-the-bottle game just this one time half a year ago.

13) Speaks French, but isn't snobby about it

14) Can't be too rich--preferably her financial background is somewhere around upper middle middle class

15) Middle name Bailey

16) More of a dog person than a cat person, but has the ability to appreciate a good kitten

17) Is totally finished with orthodontics. (I'm still cringing from that one scene in Date Night with Tina Fey and her retainer because it's so foreseeable in my future.)

18) Can appreciate her man for his calf muscles and forearms, not just his chest and abs--because, baby, that's all you have to look forward to.

19) Plays an instrument

20) A pretty good dancer

21) Good teeth

22) She has to look cute while she's eating a watermelon. You may laugh, but that's important to me. I think it's good to have a healthy appetite, but not so that it's repulsive.

23) If her name was Sarah, I would totally dig that. I love that name like unmarried single mothers love men named Craig. Yeah, I'm adding that onto the list. My ideal girlfriend would be named Sarah. ATTENTION: the alternate spelling of that name (Sarai) is also acceptable and even welcome

24) Can't judge me because I like musicals

25) Obedient; willing to shut up and do what her man tells her to do when it comes down to it

26) Has a penis

Okay, not really the last two things. But besides that, this was a pretty decent list, right? Not too picky. How many contestants are left? Nine? Ten? Eleven, even? Hello? Where is everybody? Oh, come on! It wasn't that bad!

Fine, it was pretty bad. I think I lost it at "you have to have seen The Fisher King." This list is just what my girlfriend would be like in a perfect world, though. Realistically, you shouldn't beat yourself up too much if nothing on this list applies to you. As long as you're really pretty, thin, tan, well-toned, intelligent, artistic, creative, and witty, you shouldn't give up.

Odds are, though, that I'm going to end up marrying an alien. I'm a nerd, and I find that idea totally attractive. Lara Flynn Boyle in Men in Black II was my major celebrity crush until I turned twelve (and discovered Christian Bale.)

Well, this has been productive. This post was conceited, rude, vulgar, and altogether too shocking.



As I've mentioned 1-3 times before this, I'm leaving for Texas early tomorrow morning. I'll be back Saturday--and by that time, I'll be three inches taller and I'll have killed a man. If you haven't read the post below this one, I just posted it a few hours ago so go ahead take a gander if it floats your boat. Until next time: to infinity and beyond!

Happy Holidays!

Cheers,
That Blond Guy

14 people secretly have a crush on me:

Boyd said...

I'm going to print out that list and make potentials sign it to verify that at least 75% applies. If it turns out to be untrue, it will be a legally binding document that I can take her to court over!

RainboRevolver said...

You have a list for chicks like i have a list for guys. And yeah, wayyyy too picky. But I bet you'll find your french-speaking, exotic, blonde haired, blue eyed, into indie music Sarah Bailey someday.

Have a nice day

Smokey_Cat said...

I like your list, it really is not that demanding. After all, this a significant other one is talking about.

Kassandrah said...

i think this is stupid.

Lexa Be said...

For kicks I'm going down the list and finding which actually apply to me. Why? Because I have all night and nothing to really do. I personally care neither way, but I want to see how specific I can be part of this.

1 - Neither. I am brown haired and am not jewish :P 0

2 - Nope. Pure American, most of my history is England based anyway :P 0

3 - I'm "beautiful" according to my lovely gay best friend. Interpret how you'd like to. .5

4 - I can be slow, but that's only my stupid moments. So half correct...ish. .5 *total - 1*

5 - Sorry, I love Psych, however you get bonus points for the references so I'd find it funny if you used their jokes. .5 *total 1.5*

6 - Yep. Love the Beatles, Michael Jackson etc! *total - 2.5*

7 - You read my blog, so I'm guessing I fall into "half decent writer" *total 3.5*

8 - It's not hard to be taller than me, most males are. *total 4.5*

9 - I like tennis and I run occasionally, so I'm kinda athletic? *total 5.5*

10 - Bingo. I love those guys, but older guys...eww.... I like their acting skills. *total 6.5*

11 - Wrong! I have chocolate brown eyes. Why do men all like blue eyes and blonde hair anyway??? *total 6.5*

12 - Ha, yup. Been to the party and had a truth or dare run in with a girl and a kiss. However I like a guy at school too much haha *7.5*

13 - Yeah, je parle francais. I took it for four years, and failed the AP test cause my teacher sucked. *total 8.5*

14 - Middle class. I have a single parent, what can I say? *total 9*

15 - Nope. Alexandra. *total 9*

16 - As long as it's a big dog and not a stupid little thing that yips, I do like dogs best *total 10*

17 - I've never had braces. My teeth are straight enough they may not be perfect, but they're not terrible either. *total 11*

18 - I suppose :P as long as he's fit it's all good. *total 12*

19 - Piano and Violin. Go me! *total 13*

20 - Eh, depends on the situation. I pick up pretty quick though *total 14*

21 - I suppose. They're not bad. *total 15*

22 - I guess I do...? We'll say I do for the hell of it. *total 16*

23 - Nope - Bethany. *total 16*

24 - I love musicals! Extra points for any straight *or at least bi* guy liking them too *total 17*

Not even going to count the last two. Hmmm... only missed six. Well, if I really had the hots for you I'd be doing pretty well. Alas, I have a guy I quite like.

Yes, this mildly amused me for a good ten or so minutes.

- Lexa Be

Mandy Thomas said...

Ha good luck finding her!

Furree Katt said...

that is quite a list. O.O
by the way, i have something for you on my blog! go and see. :D

Mischief Managed said...

I only apply to about 5 of these. This is awkward. Okaybye

tegan said...

2,4,5,6,7,8,13,14,16,17,18,21,24.

13 - NOT BAD. Unlucky for some, but we'll overlook that.

But I have a boyfriend.
And you live on the other side of the world.
Can you marry both me and Mike in a sort of three way marriage? I'm sure he'd love that.
My country or yours?

Sarcasmic Ross said...

Oh my dear lord, I want a go!

Red Sunshine said...

I loled at number 17. That scene was soo funny

Kamila said...

hi therrree! Visiting from Furree Katt!... though... I don't have the time in the world to really read your blog for today.. but don't worry I'll be back soon! x) followed!

Kindros said...

26 is an actual requirement for my friend, no joke. But I guess everyone is into their own thing.

Have a great trip and beware of traps. :)

Kay said...

Good luck with that. Good luck.

But what if you gave a bunch of girls the idea to do this!? Within a couple of days, blogger will be littered with "holds me when I'm sad"'s and "smells nice"'s. Because you're just that influential.