Thursday, December 23, 2010

Happy Christmas! Have a Cookie, But Not from That Plate--Those Cookies are Poisonous

Why am I baking a mixture of cyanide and hand soap into my cookies for Santa, you might ask? Well, I'll tell you, small Christmas elf with learning disabilities and abusive parents.

I'm trying to kill Father Christmas. What can I say? I'm a warrior for Christ.

On that happy note, I wish you all a Happy Christmas Eve Eve! If you're wondering why I'm wishing you a happy Christmas instead of a merry one, it's because I'm going British on this blog. Although I'm still in the process of learning all of the hip British lingo, I'm going to start spelling words like "civilisation" with an "s" instead of a "z," and I'm going to start spelling "favourite" with a "u" even though my conscience tells me it's so wrong. I'm also going to start using the word "b****" more, but that's because I'm a bitter teenager, not because I'm going British.

For Christmas, I'm getting each of my family members an empty box with a note taped to the outside that says "Ha ha, I didn't really get you a Christmas present. You were so excited but now you're going to be disappointed because there's nothing here. It's a joke, get it?" They're going to be laughing their heads off. Just wait.

I haven't drafted a super-duper Nerd Archives Christmas post spoiling all of your Christmas moods by criticizing every aspect of Christmas and making numerous racist remarks...because I've already done it for Sarcasmic Ross over at Consumable Sarcasm! Check out my guest post tomorrow, on Christmas Eve, and then send me a Christmas present addressed to just "That Blond Guy."

I'm flying to see my grandparents two days after Christmas, so if I don't get to give any of you goodbye kisses before then: GOODBYE!

If you're having trouble getting into the Christmas mood, I want you to listen to the following holiday songs:

Happy Christmas, by John Lennon

Santa Baby, by Eartha Kitt

Run Rudolph Run, by Chuck Berry

Happy Christmas to all of my beautiful followers! I love you all so much and I hope you never leave me!

That Blond Guy

9 people secretly have a crush on me:

Kassandrah said...

putting a "u" in fabourite isn't british, its just the correct way of writing it.
Canada does it too.

oh, and i love you too.

Kassandrah said...


That Blond Guy said...

Nah, in the U.S. it's "favorite" not "favourite." It's also "color" not "colour," and "civilization" not "civilisation." We also tend to have more teenage pregnancies and much higher crime rates.

Shannon said...

Happy Christmas to you too.

Shenge said...

In Australia we spell them with a 'u' as well, we're just that badarse (or 'badass' for all you yanks).

And yeah dude, have a good Christmas and general holiday period.

Red Sunshine said...

Happy Christmas Eve!

findingMuse. said...

Happy Christmas Eve, Christopher!

I started spelling "colour" with a "u" simply because I like it better and it all just went from there...

tegan said...

Well, if I were in your family (THAT WOULD BE AWESOME WOULDN'T IT? OK Tegan stop being creepy. Ahem.) I would totally love that haha!

And I like to think that I helped inspire you for your new British take on life. Just a little bit.

Merry Christmas.
(WE SAY MERRY? since when did we not say Merry, we always say Merry. More than happy actually. I think Merry is British...)

Sarcasmic Ross said...

I feel I must comment, being British and obviously being your new role model and future leader of the world.

Bear in mind, if I come back to this blog and I see a missing "u" or a "z" instead of an "s," I will officially revoke your right to act British.

Remember to use the words wanker and bollocks as well.