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Friday, December 17, 2010

Have You Ever Wanted to Go Back in Time and Beat Yourself to a Pulp?

If not, do you:

  1. Ever want to go back in time and play the younger version of yourself in checkers and then do something really spontaneous halfway through the checkers game like loudly reciting passages from Dante's Inferno while having an epileptic fit?
  2. Ever want to go back in time and have a baby with some random Catholic nun so that when you go back to the future you can be the same age as your kid? (I don't know why I added in that bit about the nun, but doesn't it sound kind of hot?)
  3. Ever want to play "Johnny B Goode" on the electric guitar at your parents' Enchantment Under the Sea dance shortly after making out with your mother in the school parking lot?

I guess it would be sort of cool to do the last three things, but mostly I really want go back in time and really just demolish my past-self. "Why?" some of you might ask. Well, Vietnamese man with a pencil mustache and a mustache pencil, I'll tell you why.

I am clinically insane and bizarre ideas like this somehow appeal to me. Also, I'm way taller, stronger, and more ripped than I was 2-3 years ago, so I would take a remarkable amount of pleasure out of whipping the scrawny nerd a** of my past self. Also, I know that at that time, I had zero self-confidence and at present I enjoy taking advantage of people with low self-esteem. Also, I've been reading some of my old writing and some of my old posts and am disgusted by my charming innocence and boyishness. Also, I didn't take my meds this morning and feel like doing something dangerous and spontaneous. And because I've been hanging out with idiotic, private school teenage guys for the past seven hours, going back in time and beating myself up was what struck me as an exhilarating idea at the time that I thought up this post. Sounds like a half-decent video game plot too.

See this? First is a photograph of me now: calm, cool, collected, a little horny, but very pensive. The next is a picture of my fourth grade Halloween costume. I wasn't even cute. All the other kids dressed up as pirates, leprechauns, or Michael Jackson. Apparently I wanted to be a combination of Sid Vicious and Glenn Quagmire (seriously--what's the deal with that shirt?!)

Some people are haunted by memories of horrible mistakes they've made in life and missed opportunities. I'm haunted by memories of badly-landed jokes, mortifyingly embarrassing moments, and my even more socially awkward/insecure/weak-minded past-self.

Yes, I would not hesitate a moment in going back in time and beating myself up. A solitary punch in the face would probably do it, don't you think? Maybe a kick on the ribs while he's on the ground, but only for good measure.

If for some reason you're interested in learning the mildly intriguing philosophical message behind this bitter outburst of resentment at my past-self, I guess all I can say is that it's amazing how quickly people and things in general can change in such a short amount of time.

On a different note (D#), HAPPY CHRISTMAS BREAK TO ALL OF MY FELLOW TEENAGERS OUT THERE EXAMS ARE OVER HURRAY YIPPEE!!! To all of my readers who are out of school, well, you can just go and do something that grown-ups do, can't you? Like drinking. Or driving. Or watching scary movies. I don't know--what else do grown-ups do?

I'd also like to link to this Christmas post by Sarcasmic Ross just because he's so awesome I think my nose just got a little sun-burned by his sheer awesomeness.

Next, I'd like to conclude this lengthy and unconstrucive post by also linking to these four, generally unrelated videos which have amused me throughout exam week.

Church Mouse

Diabeto

Back to the Future, Screen Test Part 1

And of course: Back to the Future, Screen Test Part 2

Finally, I think it's worth mentioning that my comment on the official music video for Regina Spektor's "Fidelity," "Thumbs up for this comment if you, uh, like sex" has now received 78 votes. People are so stupid.

Happy Advent.

Cheers,
That Blond Guy

16 people secretly have a crush on me:

Mack said...

I think every elementary-age boy wore stripes like that [and even those older... I'm not judging].

I am the exact opposite, change-wise, though. I used to be the kid that fed off of other kids' fear and bloody noses [not really- I wasn't physically violent haha] as a child, and now I'm the kid that has the low self-esteem and no confidence. Kind of what you expect a bully to end up as, but it was only kindergarden through first grade! Geez.

Have a swell time doing grown-up things! I'll be doing exams until Wednesday. :[

Kassandrah said...

Did you know that I secretly have a crush on you?

Mischief Managed said...

But, Kassandrah, telling him makes it not a secret... WHATAREYOUDOINGHONESTLY.

Kassandrah said...

oh shit.
did you know i had a secret crush on you?

lula said...

Ummm I'm sorry but you must've been incredibly awesome as a kid if you knew who Sid Vicious was in fourth grade. Just sayin'! Oh and by the way, maybe you've seen this (then again, maybe not) but if you're as immature as me (which I think you probably aren't), you should see this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=khMNPVl8ZgQ

xoxo, gossip girl

Boyd said...

I would go back and beat up the defenseless, naive past-me, but afterwards I would feel bad and go back even further to warn myself. After that, I'd probably have to befriend an odd scientist and undergo a series of wacky misadventures to fix the space-time continuum.

Also, I agree with Lula - if you were actually trying to be Sid Vicious in 4th grade, that's pretty rad.

RainboRevolver said...

Omg little Christopher! Yeah Sid Vicious is pretty sick, but I must say Johnny Rotten would have been cooler ;)

Back to the Future is the pinacle of 1980s cinematic excellence.

Have a nice day.

Sarcasmic Ross said...

I would happily beat the ever-loving crap out of my younger self. Teach him that wearing your jeans round your ankles, and having a ridiculous emo fringe, is so far from cool it's going to get him my foot up his ass.

Punk ass bitch thinks he's all that.

I've been linked again! Come, read, drink, be merry.

tegan said...

everyone hates their past self! my past self had buckteeth and was really irritating!

AND TRON IS NOT A DISNEY FILM!! youtube it.

Furree Katt said...

your writing is so good, it intimidates me. that's why i don't comment much on your blog, i know what i want to convey will end up sounding really dumb. but i always read your posts.

That Blond Guy said...

Mack: True. But do most boys wear unbuttoned Hula shirts over their striped t-shirts? And good luck with exams!

Kassandrah: (Blushes.) Well, no. Gee. Do you wanna (grins sheepishly and looks at the ground) get married or sumthin'?

Mischief Managed: THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR FOLLOWING!!! And I love the new name.

Lula: Nah, I wish I did. More likely I thought I looked like one of the band members from the Cure. I didn't get into anarchistic, Nazi punk rock until my preteen years. And I liked the clip!

Boyd: I'm glad someone got the reference--I was worried all of the readers would just think I had a crush on my mother.

Julia: I agree. Both about the Sex Pistols AND Back to the Future.

Ross: Yeah--I loved the post! "Eat, drink, and be merry." I've never liked that proverb. I think it'd be loads better if it was shortened to just "Drink."

Tegan: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tron_(film) Read the second line. Then feel ashamed.

Furree Katt: Thanks so much! That very seriously means a lot to me. And you don't sound dumb: I love your blog!

Kassandrah said...

of courrrse!

Jillian said...

I'd say you looked/look cute, but then I'd feel like a pedophile.

My gosh. I've been going through old video tapes of me, and I was so very annoying.

I wouldn't want to punch myself, per se, but I'd love to go and wrap duck tape tightly around my mouth until forever.

I'm so glad I'm not that mouthy, sassy, annoying.... girl.

Sarcasmic Ross said...

I think all proverbs would be vastly improved by shortening them to "drink."

"A friend in need is a friend indeed" - Drink!

"A penny saved is a penny earned" - Drink!

"Dead men tell no tales" - Drink!

Shit, I am onto something here. I'l contact God, you contact the media!

Also, write me a guest post!

Mischief Managed said...

No problem, person that has blonde hair. I was just like... "I HAVEN'T FOLLOWED YET!" because I have memory loss (not diagnosed, but... yeah). And thanks! I just had to make my name something Fred and George related, since they're my latest fangirl obsession. I have a lot of fangirl obsessions (speaking of which, you best be stayin' away from my Chris Colfer, haha. No, but really).

Kay said...

I thumbed that post up 77 times.

Just so you know.

But anyways, I don't think I would ever travel back in time. I'm too lazy for that. I mean, what if you get stuck in that time period and start all over? That would suck.