If not, do you:
- Ever want to go back in time and play the younger version of yourself in checkers and then do something really spontaneous halfway through the checkers game like loudly reciting passages from Dante's Inferno while having an epileptic fit?
- Ever want to go back in time and have a baby with some random Catholic nun so that when you go back to the future you can be the same age as your kid? (I don't know why I added in that bit about the nun, but doesn't it sound kind of hot?)
- Ever want to play "Johnny B Goode" on the electric guitar at your parents' Enchantment Under the Sea dance shortly after making out with your mother in the school parking lot?
I guess it would be sort of cool to do the last three things, but mostly I really want go back in time and really just demolish my past-self. "Why?" some of you might ask. Well, Vietnamese man with a pencil mustache and a mustache pencil, I'll tell you why.
I am clinically insane and bizarre ideas like this somehow appeal to me. Also, I'm way taller, stronger, and more ripped than I was 2-3 years ago, so I would take a remarkable amount of pleasure out of whipping the scrawny nerd a** of my past self. Also, I know that at that time, I had zero self-confidence and at present I enjoy taking advantage of people with low self-esteem. Also, I've been reading some of my old writing and some of my old posts and am disgusted by my charming innocence and boyishness. Also, I didn't take my meds this morning and feel like doing something dangerous and spontaneous. And because I've been hanging out with idiotic, private school teenage guys for the past seven hours, going back in time and beating myself up was what struck me as an exhilarating idea at the time that I thought up this post. Sounds like a half-decent video game plot too.
See this? First is a photograph of me now: calm, cool, collected, a little horny, but very pensive. The next is a picture of my fourth grade Halloween costume. I wasn't even cute. All the other kids dressed up as pirates, leprechauns, or Michael Jackson. Apparently I wanted to be a combination of Sid Vicious and Glenn Quagmire (seriously--what's the deal with that shirt?!)
Some people are haunted by memories of horrible mistakes they've made in life and missed opportunities. I'm haunted by memories of badly-landed jokes, mortifyingly embarrassing moments, and my even more socially awkward/insecure/weak-minded past-self.
Yes, I would not hesitate a moment in going back in time and beating myself up. A solitary punch in the face would probably do it, don't you think? Maybe a kick on the ribs while he's on the ground, but only for good measure.
If for some reason you're interested in learning the mildly intriguing philosophical message behind this bitter outburst of resentment at my past-self, I guess all I can say is that it's amazing how quickly people and things in general can change in such a short amount of time.
On a different note (D#), HAPPY CHRISTMAS BREAK TO ALL OF MY FELLOW TEENAGERS OUT THERE EXAMS ARE OVER HURRAY YIPPEE!!! To all of my readers who are out of school, well, you can just go and do something that grown-ups do, can't you? Like drinking. Or driving. Or watching scary movies. I don't know--what else do grown-ups do?
Next, I'd like to conclude this lengthy and unconstrucive post by also linking to these four, generally unrelated videos which have amused me throughout exam week.
Finally, I think it's worth mentioning that my comment on the official music video for Regina Spektor's "Fidelity," "Thumbs up for this comment if you, uh, like sex" has now received 78 votes. People are so stupid.
That Blond Guy