John Lennon's Christmas Single is Way Better Than Paul McCartney's

Happy holidays, my tiny Christmas elf friends!

Did everyone have the fantasticalicious Christmas I told you to have on Christmas Eve's Eve? To those of you who have been bound to a chair with Christmas lights and your mouth taped shut as a result of a particularly wild Christmas party, blink once for yes and twice for no.

Great! I had a splendid Christmas, thanks for asking. At 8 o'clock on Christmas Eve, I acolyted at my Church, got home at around 10:00 and lay on my driveway watching the stars for about half an hour, and then watched A Christmas Story with my beautiful family. Just kidding! (They're not really that beautiful.) Peter Billingsley (Ralphie) was so adorable. Did you catch him in Elf?



I had a good Christmas Day as well. It began with a lot of excitement, a fair amount of presents, loads of snow, and ended with a Christmas feast fit for a king. (Probably not fit for a Roman king, though. Or any recent king. It'd have to be a pretty early king. Maybe an Anglo-Saxon king from the late third century or so.)

Once again, we failed horribly at making this a simple Christmas. Ah, well, it's too late to complain now. I'll just have to be even more firm with my family next Christmas. Like, I might need to fire a gun into the air a couple of times. Not a real gun, of course. A flare gun, maybe.

I received:

1. Two picture books in Spanish
2. Push-up stands, (so I can sculpt my body to the point that I rarely leave the bathroom because I spend so much time looking at myself naked in the mirror.)
3. The Prophet, by Kahlil Gibran
4. The Trouble with Poetry, by Billy Collins
5. A second slinky just for the sake of it
6. The John Lennon issue of Life magazine
7. A ten-minutes-a-day French workbook and CD

Like I said, we struggle with the concept of a simple Christmas. I feel so guilty.

It also snowed for the entire second half of the day. By about five in the afternoon, there was a layer of white coating almost everything in sight like white cake frosting coating a brand new Christmas iPhone. Unfortunately, "almost everything" does not include the roads, so we had no opportunity to go sledding down any hills in our laundry basket and/or trash lid this year.

In addition, New Years Day is only five days away! Consequently, the first anniversary of The Nerd Archives is fast approaching. I started this blog mid-January of 2010. I was two inches shorter, considerably quieter, very naive, and I still wore glasses full-time. Since then, I've almost totally lost my faith, spoiled my innocence, improved greatly at writing, and had sex-change surgery on two different occasions. (It's hard to make up one's mind about these things!)

I love New Years. The night before you get to stay up late and do fun stuff that people do while staying up late like telling scary stories and eating s'mores. Plus, the concept of the beginning of a new year is liberating. It's so invigorating to think of all the new opportunities. New beginnings. A fresh start. Forget the past, let's embrace the future.

Mostly, I like it because we have this tradition where we hire a cowgirl stripper to give one of us a lapdance. That stuff about new beginnings was good too, though.

Let's take a look at my resolutions last year:

1) No consumption of beef, pork, or exotic game: CHECK!

2) Spend more time outside: CHECK!

3) Detach the things I don't really need in life: CHE--okay, no, not really.

4) (I can't believe I said this.) Become a better person: no, definitely not.

Was my ultimate New Year's resolution really to become a better person? I was such a cliché. And I still am. But remember: a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.

I'll be in Texas for the next week or so. I'll try to squeeze out one more post before I leave tomorrow, and then it's Hasta la Vista, my precious leprechaun minions. In the words of Conan O'Brien, "keep cool, my babies:" I'll be back Saturday.

Happy Holidays!

Cheers,
That Blond Guy