Sunday, January 9, 2011

The Ring and an Incense Burner In the Form of a Severed Hand

There's something intensely entertaining to me about grade schoolers lip singing to alternative rock songs.

Love Lost

Tighten Up

On that curious note, greetings to all of my readers! For those of you who live in America: congratulations! Looks like a lot of us are going to have a snow day tomorrow. For those of you who don't live in America: well, that's what you get for not living in the most awesome country in the world besides Great Britain, Ireland, France, Denmark, Australia, New Zealand, Russia, Spain, South Africa, Canada, and about fifty seven other countries which are arguably more awesome than The United States.

The first week back from the break was hard, partly because it's always difficult to transition from two weeks of leisure time to several months of solid schooling, but mostly because this week was the first time I've ever gone to school without any legs. Mind you, it's not as fun as it sounds.

Friday and Saturday I spent in Savannah at an Academic Team tournament. 'Twas loads of fun, even though the bus ride to the hotel was over five hours. The time went by really fast though, considering we were all naked and lathered in peanut oil for the duration of the bus ride. It's just like they say, I guess. Time flies when you're having an Ancient Roman peanut oil orgy.

Since I'm pretty awful at Academic Team, I was on the "bench" a lot during the tournament. I wrote a few short stories instead, and doodled a lot of pictures of puppies and the Eiffel Tower. We also had dinner that night at a restaurant that's supposed to be like the eighth nicest on that block, so that was fun. The guy I was sitting across from had never heard of Alfred Hitchcock.

Most notably, we went to lunch at the food court in the mall, and I also got THIS:

Yep, it was pretty much love at first sight for me and this hand. I was thinking about buying a hermit crab as a pet to surprise my family, but apparently you have to bathe hermit crabs every day and as the owner of the hermit crab I would need to be trained in hermit crab CPR and possess a hermit crab AED in case of emergency. So I decided on the hand. I brought it to the counter with a smile on my face.

"Good afternoon," I said.

"Good afternoon," she echoed. "Do you just want the incense burner, then?"

That's when it dawned on me that it was an incense burner. I was startled, but not put off--sort of the feeling you get when you discover that the boy dog you bought three years ago is in fact a girl dog, and your vet is not in fact a licensed vet but a life-sized puppet.

"An incense burner?!" I repeated with a drunk giggle. "Is that what it is?"

And that was the beginning of our journey together. Since then we've had a number of amazing adventures. Ice skating, flying on dragons, playing games, watching Boston Legal, holding hands, brushing each other's teeth, and snuggling. It also replies to my text messages for me whenever I'm not available.

I think it slacks off when I'm not around to encourage it, though, because I'm getting a lot of calls asking me why I haven't replied to messages. That's okay, though. We all have our flaws.

In other news, I also watched The Ring all the way through for the first time ever. I ain't messin' around, brother, that movie is terrifying. I'm not easily scared by horror movies, but that one is totally messed up. I'm getting the collywobbles just thinking about the ending. I also discovered that the woman's son is Charles Wallace!!! That was like seeing Brick Heck in The Unborn. (I kept imagining he'd say to his mother, "He wants to get born." Then look down and whisper to himself, "get born.")

I think the only thing that kept me from dying of shock was remembering The Ring parody in Scary Movie 3. I still think it was the stupidest movie ever made before the filming of The Hangover, but I owe my life to it.

I appreciated the responses on my last post about cell phone ring tones. In response to all of your questions, yes having a default ring tone makes you a bad person, and yes, not having a ring tone at all makes you an even worse person. Those of you who had ring tones had pretty awesome ones, though. So Kudos to you guys.


That Blond Guy

12 people secretly have a crush on me:

Eeshie said...


It was pretty scary. Especially the part where the two women are talking, and then BAM you see a dead girl in a closet.


Okie. Bye.

Anonymous said...

You. Are. Hot.

Cassandra said...

The hand is pretty legit. That made me laugh.
Erm...What do you mean you went to school without legs last week? I read that about 3 times over and just ended up very confused.
I love your blogs by the way, you're very witty and generally awesome as sauce. (But only good sauce of chocolate sauce)...
Have a nice day.

RainboRevolver said...

Pshhh snowday? Are you kidding? I live in Colorado, they make us go to school in blizzards. But good luck on that one.

That hand is sick, in every sense of the word, and I think the only incense burner I've seen was cooler than that was an anatomically correct donkey, and you'd stick the incense up its butt.

The Ring is one of my favorite bad horror films!

Someday you should explain this whole Academic Team thing to me.

I would say "have a nice day" but Cassi already did.
So have a good evening.

Kay said...

Don't get your hopes up about the entire country having a snow day. As fun as it would be to have a nation-wide sledding party, it seems highly unlikely from my north-eastern igloo.

And your musings just keep on getting more and more... interesting?

Mandy Thomas said...

That'd be really weird if it snowed in Southern California. I would actually hate living here if it did... Anyhoo, nice blogging!

We have the same phone *>*

Furree Katt said...

wow, you're so lucky to get snow days. i've never seen real snow in my life. ;(
and your incense burner is really very nice!

tegan said...

I am so not watching the Ring EVER. I watched Scary Movie 3, which was, quite frankly shit, however. Me and horror movies just don't go well together. Don't get me wrong, I'm a total badass. There's just... a limit.

Anyway, the performances went well! :D I'll explain more in my next post, but yes PUNS. They are the epitome of crap but in a pantomime they are unfortunately quite necessary.

gunna go rape your formspring.

Red Sunshine said...

academic team?
that sounds nerdily awesome

Mischief Managed said...

That hand... oh the possibilities *evil grin*...

Wait, the way I put that sounded awkward. Never mind. I should probably be doing homework anyway. Okay. Bye.

Jillian said...

Not really a horror movie person myself.
I've always found plenty of real life terrors to scare me senseless.

My beloved hand and me, we go everywhere together, wearing a glove that have 5 fingers, gets us through all kinds of weather...
Sorry, couldn't resist.
Kind of awesome and funny.

Darling, I could go skateboarding today if I wasn't so cripplingly depressed. Where is this snow that you speak of? I live in Chifreakingcago. if it's not snowing here, it isn't snowing anywhere.

Kassandrah said...

I looked at that picture full screen and was extremely creeped out by your toes.