To begin this post, I have a riddle for you. What walks on two legs in the morning, two legs in the afternoon, and two legs in the evening?
The answer is: a baby duckling.
Now I have a question for you: why was 80's pop culture so much cooler than 21st century pop culture? True--no matter what, pop culture is always pop culture, so it was occasionally distasteful, shallow, or frequenting hidden Satanic messages. But in the 80's:
- Everyone had awesome hair, and it was acceptable for guys to blow-dry their hair (not that I would want to do that now!)
- Work-out videos were still sexy without being explicitly sexual
- Racial jokes in movies were still acceptable
- Feminists were persecuted
- Sex symbols like Kelly LeBrock, Madonna, and Christie Brinkley were still thin and healthy-looking.
- Michael Jackson was both black and a man--and both at the same time.
- All R&B was known for was a way of abbreviating "rice and beans" in West Texas
- Smoking was still good for you
- Woody Allen and Mel Brooks directed the hit comedy films, not whatever 26-year-old gorillas are behind Scary Movie and Epic Movie (literally--they're gorillas. Look it up.)
- Teenage girls were still creeped out by Psycho
- Men with mustaches could still be considered attractive--even if the mustache was actually a wide-tooth comb taped to the upper lip
- There were no blackberries or Macs
- Duran Duran, Blondie, Queen, Simple Minds, Karla DeVito, Bruce Springsteen, and David Bowie
- Aviator sunglasses were cool, not slightly homosexual
- Justin Bieber wasn't born yet
- Video games didn't provide 9-year-olds with opportunities to blast virtual Arabs to tiny bits with guns taller than them
- John Hughes was still alive
I'm feeling really nostalgic right now. Not about the 80's, although that would be appropriate, but about third grade language arts class. I really liked that class.
But back to the stuff about the 80's, what happened? What happened to the media that they play Katy Perry and Lady Gaga on the radio? Why do teenage guys wear their pants low and why do teenage girls wear ugg boots? Why do we watch movies like Transformers 2 and watch TV shows like Burn Notice? I'll tell you why:
No, not really. (Laughs nervously.) I love black people. Not all of them, though. Just the ones that are nice. I'm not being racist now, am I? Surely not. Are any of you black? If so, don't be offended. Please continue to read The Nerd Archives and being my friend. If you're Albanian, on the other hand, get the hell of my blog before I get out my shotgun.
This post wasn't even supposed to be about the 80's--it just turned out that way because I love that decade so much. I don't really have much else to say, anyway. Track tryouts are next Monday. One of the Lost Boys of Sudan visited our school today. For the first time ever, I want to kill a teacher--and for the first time ever, I've hired someone to do it. There are like fifteen girls I have in mind who I'd be happy to date at my school--and none of them think it's okay when I film them without their knowledge. Hopefully I'll be seeing Silence of the Lambs this weekend. Listening to loads of indie rock.
Please comment on this post informing me of either your weirdest fetish or whether or not you're a Republican or Democrat. If your weirdest fetish is Democrats, call me up and we can spend all of tomorrow kissing and snuggling but doing nothing sexual because I actually might be gay.
George Harrison is looking at me funny.
That Blond Guy