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Friday, January 21, 2011

I'm a Sex Slave, So Who Wants to Buy Me?

To begin this post, I have a riddle for you. What walks on two legs in the morning, two legs in the afternoon, and two legs in the evening?

The answer is: a baby duckling.

Now I have a question for you: why was 80's pop culture so much cooler than 21st century pop culture? True--no matter what, pop culture is always pop culture, so it was occasionally distasteful, shallow, or frequenting hidden Satanic messages. But in the 80's:

  • Everyone had awesome hair, and it was acceptable for guys to blow-dry their hair (not that I would want to do that now!)
  • Work-out videos were still sexy without being explicitly sexual
  • Racial jokes in movies were still acceptable
  • Feminists were persecuted
  • Sex symbols like Kelly LeBrock, Madonna, and Christie Brinkley were still thin and healthy-looking.
  • Michael Jackson was both black and a man--and both at the same time.
  • All R&B was known for was a way of abbreviating "rice and beans" in West Texas
  • Smoking was still good for you
  • Woody Allen and Mel Brooks directed the hit comedy films, not whatever 26-year-old gorillas are behind Scary Movie and Epic Movie (literally--they're gorillas. Look it up.)
  • Teenage girls were still creeped out by Psycho
  • Men with mustaches could still be considered attractive--even if the mustache was actually a wide-tooth comb taped to the upper lip
  • There were no blackberries or Macs
  • Duran Duran, Blondie, Queen, Simple Minds, Karla DeVito, Bruce Springsteen, and David Bowie
  • Aviator sunglasses were cool, not slightly homosexual
  • Justin Bieber wasn't born yet
  • Video games didn't provide 9-year-olds with opportunities to blast virtual Arabs to tiny bits with guns taller than them
  • John Hughes was still alive

(Sigh.)

I'm feeling really nostalgic right now. Not about the 80's, although that would be appropriate, but about third grade language arts class. I really liked that class.

But back to the stuff about the 80's, what happened? What happened to the media that they play Katy Perry and Lady Gaga on the radio? Why do teenage guys wear their pants low and why do teenage girls wear ugg boots? Why do we watch movies like Transformers 2 and watch TV shows like Burn Notice? I'll tell you why:

Black people.

No, not really. (Laughs nervously.) I love black people. Not all of them, though. Just the ones that are nice. I'm not being racist now, am I? Surely not. Are any of you black? If so, don't be offended. Please continue to read The Nerd Archives and being my friend. If you're Albanian, on the other hand, get the hell of my blog before I get out my shotgun.

This post wasn't even supposed to be about the 80's--it just turned out that way because I love that decade so much. I don't really have much else to say, anyway. Track tryouts are next Monday. One of the Lost Boys of Sudan visited our school today. For the first time ever, I want to kill a teacher--and for the first time ever, I've hired someone to do it. There are like fifteen girls I have in mind who I'd be happy to date at my school--and none of them think it's okay when I film them without their knowledge. Hopefully I'll be seeing Silence of the Lambs this weekend. Listening to loads of indie rock.

Please comment on this post informing me of either your weirdest fetish or whether or not you're a Republican or Democrat. If your weirdest fetish is Democrats, call me up and we can spend all of tomorrow kissing and snuggling but doing nothing sexual because I actually might be gay.

George Harrison is looking at me funny.

Cheers,
That Blond Guy

17 people secretly have a crush on me:

Mischief Managed said...

Third grade spanish. Good times.
By the way, I hated on Uggs for the longest time, saying that they were too "trend", and that they were ugly. But then I tried them on. Uggs, my friend, are the comfiest motherf**kers you will ever know. And about Lady Gaga and Katy Perry- I think they have talent... If you're entitled to your opinion, I'm entitled to mine.
Ooh, I've always wanted a gay friend. But I would want a stereotypical gay friend. One that I could go shopping with, and he could look me dead in the eyes and say, "Girl, those jeans make you look FAT." And then we could have sleepovers, and talk about boys. So maybe you're not the gay friend I'm looking for.
ANYWAY, I'd say that I am a democrat. Not a die-hard democrat, but I agree with most democratic views. The last election was easy for me- I mean, who knows what Sarah Palin would do to achieve presidency. She would probably shoot down McCain like those moose she shoots up in Alaska. And once she was there? SHE WOULD TELL THOSE DAMN RUSSIANS TO GET OFF HER TURF, LIKE ANY OTHER PITBULL WITH LIPSTICK (if you don't get that reference, Google it). She would have torn our country to shreds (I mean, into smaller shreds than it already is).
I don't have any weird fetishes, so you got me there.


This is a long comment.

Red Sunshine said...

racial jokes aren't acceptable?? oh shoot..
and lol! Back in the day when MJ was both black and a man. I wasn't alive for that, but it sounds epic. Tho the 60's sound awesomer. Drugs<3

Bookish.Spazz said...

Uggs are disgusting. I never had them, nor have I ever owned crocs. I have one pair of Toms, but that's only so I could donate a pair to a child in Darfur named Duele.

Just kidding, I have no idea what that poor well shoe-d child's name is.

Anyways, I'm a moderate. I swing more to the left, but not so left that I need to get checked out by a doctor.

Yeah... Blondie and David Bowie.... Those were good days.

Lula said...

HA! Let me just say this post made me laugh. You have some very very good points. I'm a 60's-70's girl ALL THE WAY but I'll try to keep this comment somewhat relevant and as organised as possible. Like you said, "pop culture is pop culture" but 80's pop & 2011 pop just can't be compared. It's almost like they're completely different genres. Which I think they are. Basically, The Click Five is equivalent to the Beatles. I know the Beatles aren't so much from the eighties, but it's the best example I could find. My point is, VERY different stuff! Racist jokes are the best. Seriously. And when I say racist, I don't mean "black" jokes only of course. I mean "all existing races". They just crack me up. "Smoking was still good for you". HOLLA!
I hate Woody Allen (he shakes to much for me), but I get you.
"Teenage girls were still creeped out by Psycho". SO true. What about The Exorcist?! That was in '73 I think, but still.
Love my BlackBerry, hate Macs. However, I think that the world would be a better place hadn't they been invented. But I digress.
Hummm David Bowie. I'm not even going to say anything. He's the boss applesauce. For reals.
Aviator glasses are still cool, WHATCHU TALKIN' BOUT BOIIII?!
Justin Bieber. Ew.
(But he's kinda cute, I admit.)
"Video games didn't provide 9-year-olds with opportunities to blast virtual Arabs to tiny bits with guns taller than them". Ha, it's called revenge. Kidding. I'm not American so I'll just stop making distasteful comments.
I know the entire universe adores them, but I hate Katy Perry & Lady Gaga. I saw an interview where Lady Gaga said that David Bowie, Freddie Mercury and Andy Warhol were a huge inspiration for her. I almost killed myself.
"For the first time ever, I want to kill a teacher". Was that sarcastic? If not, you're a saint.
Silence of the Lambs is a great, GREAT movie. Holy shizzle.
I don't understand a thing about politics (ignorance, I know) but I'm a democrat because it sounds better. Kidding. But yes, democrat.
Love George Harrison. Hate Paul McCartney. That wanker got some standing ovation at the Kennedy Awards and Ringo Starr wasn't even mentioned. WTF?!
'Nyways, yeah.
And by the way, the song Lola by the Kinks is kind of where my name came from. But I'm not a transvestite, I promise.

RainboRevolver said...

I wish I were born in the 50's so I could be a teen in the 60's.

I love black people too!

Have a nice day.

Eeshie said...

DEMOCRATS ALL DAY!

But yeah.

"Fetish." That's a weird word. Well, I guess I have a tendency to inspect things before I eat them...is that weird?

...

This is awkward.


Bye ;)

Shenge said...

BLAME MTV!

And I like Burn Notice...

I also like garlic bread. What of it?

Kassandrah said...

to be honest, i'm so so soooo in love with everything you wrote about the 80's.
especially duran duran.

don't diss uggs. they're the best two hundred dollars i've ever spent, even if i did ruin mine the other day. you can wear them in the summer and winter, you know.

I DON'T THINK I HAVE ANY WEIRD FETISHES, I'LL HAVE TO GET BACK TO YOU ON THAT ONE.


you rock, don't ever change. ;)

Kay said...

Lolz. What do you think that people born 10 years from now will think of our time period now?

They'll probably be like, "Ugg boots? Burn notice? Black people? That time period must have been AWESOME!!"

Kay said...

P.S. I like to think I'm a libbie liberal 'cause that's what's hip. And because all of the yupppies in my town are republicans, and I've come to loathe them.

And hot guys are my weird fetish. Idek it's just so weird :/

▲my• said...

DAVID FUCKING BOWIE

Lexa Be said...

I think the best part of the 80's was the fact Justin Beiber wasn't around, and neither was Miley Cyrus.

It's sad, but I only have one guy at my school I'd willingly date. Then again, I'm part of the extreme minority and most people think I'm a crazy psycho at school *shrug* I'm the resident vegetarian, what can I say?

Hmm... I think my weirdest fetish is probably how the guys I pick are always feminine to an extent. I am obsessed with guys who know how to impress me with words and can appreciate things like musicals.

....yeah, I'm basically describing gay men. But there are a few that aren't gay that are just different!

- Lexa Be

By the way, I'm a democrat, though I don't think I would call it specifically a fetish since

Mandy Thomas said...

Indie! <33

You're really funny.I'm gonna go to bed happy now.

My weirdest fetish... Hm, well seeing as how I'm a masochist, I love to be slapped and thrown around a bit. I especially enjoy being wrestled into bed, only to have my body smothered by a sweaty spaniard as he whispers, "Yo te quiero. Tu eres mi gringa bonita...Ay dios mio."

I'm totally kidding, excluding the Spaniard. I love Spanish men.

Oh, swimmingly is a cool word. I don't think I've ever heard it used in a sentence before, though.
I'm good. Finals are this week, so that's really stressful.
How are you?

Paul S said...

You've made me laugh for the first time in ages. Thank you.

erin :) said...

Hey! I just wanted to say a late thanks for visiting my blog some weeks ago. Yes, I listen to The Shins and I love them (listening to them as I type)! Glad to meet another person that likes them too!

You're a great writer; your voice definitely shines through as you probably know. I'm still trying to figure out if I'm a Republican or a Dem, I feel like I'm in between or a Conservative Democrat, which doesn't make much sense to me. I'd be glad to snuggle with you nevertheless.

Anyway, I very much enjoy your blog and it's definitely a contrast from the normal bloggers who visit me. So thanks for that bro. :)

Abby said...

You have a fun blog, I like it. I'm a bleeding-heart Democrat, though I sometimes bandage that bleeding organ with conservative views on... well, actually, I had the nagging suspicion that I was a little bit Republican, but after going through a list of my thoughts on all of the major political points I could think of, I can come to the reasonable conclusion that I'm verging on Socialism here. Cool.
Also, thanks for commenting on my poem that I thought (secretly hoped) would be lost in the abyss of the interwebzzzz, and inadvertently bringing me to your aforementioned fun blog.

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