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Monday, January 17, 2011

Orgasms, Blind People, And Of Course Everyone Blames McKenzie Whilst Trapped in an Elevator

At the peak of my week-long Meg Ryan obsession, I watched When Harry Met Sally and am DELIGHTED to announce that the movie lived up to its fake orgasm scene. Still, that scene was even more entertaining having seen the rest of the film as well. My favourite bit was when the old lady tells the waitress, "I'll have what she's having."

I think the reason I find orgasms so hilarious is because they really are a good metaphor for life. A solid twenty-five seconds of good hard work, six seconds of intense pleasure, and then a lot of red-faced explaining you have to do to a disappointed cheerleader named Audrey. Actually, that's nothing at all like life. I just find orgasms hilarious because I'm an immature teenage guy who watches Family Guy from time to time.

Jizz in My Pants

Anyway, enough potty talk.

Have any of you been to the Dialogue in the Dark exhibit? I went to the one in Atlantic Station a year ago and have a newfound respect for blind people. If you didn't click on the link I just provided for you, do so, because I don't plan to explain the exhibit to you.

At the time, I had the decision to go to Dialogue in the Dark or the Bodies exhibition. Because I've never been keen on the concept of wandering through a room with skinless corpses posing like they're playing volleyball and arm wrestling, I agreed on the first one, and IT WAS FANTASTIC. It is totally amazing. A crowd of a dozen people led around in total darkness by a blind guide--it's just a recipe for an awesome time. (Add a pinch of nutmeg and heat in conventional oven at 425 degrees for 35-40 minutes or until golden-brown.)

The only part I could go without would be the fact that everyone's always feeling your face or grabbing your crotch and shouting in your ear, "JOEY? IS THAT YOU?"

I think the whole exhibit was an opportunity for blind people to take revenge on people who can see. The biggest piece of evidence I have to support this is the fact that they have a cafe at the end where you can order a soda or sandwich or anything of that sort. Because, as you might discover if you go on the exhibit, after you order--they actually make you pay. In total darkness. How they expect you to fish for a $20 bill in your wallet in total darkness? My point.

Like I said, all of the guides are blind. So after I finished the exhibit, I felt all inspired and more understanding about the condition of blind people. Ironically, right after I walked onto the street to find lunch--I collided into a blind person.

True story, I swear to Morgan Freeman's role as God in Bruce Almighty.

I saw M. Night Shymalan's Devil on Sunday, and I still have no inkling of why everyone is saying that Shymalan is losing his touch. All of his movies are total genius. Devil was absolutely amazing. I definitely suggest it to all of you. Another suggestion I have for all of you: THE ONLY SAFE SEX IS NO SEX.

Ha ha, okay, not really.

Interesting fact: Dr. Seuss did not have any children of his own. He was even described by his wife as being slightly afraid of them. Weird, huh? Ah, well, I still love Dr. Seuss. The Lorax. The Butter Battle. Green Eggs and Ham. Well, I liked Green Eggs and Ham until that once character had to go and make things personal.

"I like green eggs and ham just fine, Sam-I-Am. It's your green eggs and ham I don't like."

Cheers,
That Blond Guy

12 people secretly have a crush on me:

Mischief Managed said...

Jizz in my Pants? The Lonely Island? Um, YES?

And I hope you apologized to that blind person. That was very rude.

Hannah Marie said...

you're funny :)

Bookish.Spazz said...

I went to see Bodies and I think your mind will be blown if you went. I've never been to Dialogue in the Dark, but it seems pretty awesome.

If they ever come to Dallas, or perhaps Austin Texas I might check them out. :)

Lane said...

Oh I've wanted to go to bodies for what? Two years now? How long has it been here? But I can't find anybody to go with me. They all think it's sick and don't understand why I would want to go. And I LOVE dr. Suess I have almost all of his books I swear. I play with slinkies and collect dr. Suess books...I need to grow up haha

Boyd said...

Dialogue in the Dark sounds pretty sweet! I wouldn't be too happy about buying something while there, though...

ellen ~ said...

You're a very good writer :D

Eeshie said...

Dr. Suess was afriad of children? How more ironic can you get? Especially when his books were utter NONSENSE.

But anyway.

Kassandrah said...

WUV YOU SUNSHINE.

Red Sunshine said...

haha! That exhibit sounds awesome. And i actually saw bodies in Las Vegas, along with Titanic. It was really creepy, but cool. But creepy.

That Blond Guy said...

Mischief Managed: I would have apologized, but he's also deaf. The only thing I could do was help him up and then give him the half-eaten chicken wrap I had taken on my walk.

Hannah Marie: Thanks, you are too. I like your hair.

Bookish.Spazz: But I don't want my mind to be blow! It sounds fatal, and they might just end up using my mind-blown corpse for the exhibit.

Lane: Of course! What's wrong with loving Dr. Seuss?

Boyd: Go to the exhibit and enjoy! If it doesn't sound entertaining enough, try taking your clothes off once they put out the lights--no one will notice!

Ellen: Oh my God I'm so excited! I love your blog so much and I've been secretly hoping you'd visit mine for roughly three months and nine days now! And thanks.

Eeshie: But I love Dr. Seuss!

Kassandrah: I'm walking on sunshine...wow-ow...I'm walking on sunshine...and it feels good. Love you too, baby cakes.

Red Sunshine: Skinless corpses and Kate Winslet--I always thought those two things go together.

LionessWithoutAPride said...

That may well be the best song in the world.

Kay said...

The dialogue in the dark exhibit sounds really cool. Perfect opportunity to grope people.