For those of you who are stupid idiots and didn't notice the words "SPOILER ALERT" in all caps in the title, I'll reluctantly do it again but just know that you can't expect people to just put up with your colossal idiocy for the rest of your miserable existence. So here goes.
I think it's important to mention before I begin this post that I am the biggest Harry Potter nerd in quite possibly the entire world. To any of you who plan to comment on this post claiming that you are a bigger Harry Potter fan than me, I can't wait to bludgeon you to death with a glass paperweight, suck all of the blood from your body, chop you up into little pieces, and send each piece to different major cities all over the world, but also I will keep your head as a trophy to put on my mantel.
Harry Potter got me through my childhood, teaching me that bullies can be overcome with a simple Stunning Spell and that frogs are actually okay to eat, as I had been arguing for years, because they are made of chocolate. Harry was my only friend, my closest companion, my Savior and Example. I cringe to think of where I would be today without the magical aid of Harry Potter. Probably shivering in some abandoned alleyway, wrapped in a coat I made from bird feathers and shouting unintelligible threats at kids who danced around and threw little stones at me, laughing and calling me "Bird Man."
So you can understand why I felt a little betrayed when the movies came out and really just strayed absolutely from the books. Almost as betrayed as I felt when I found out that babies are made by sexual intercourse, not in Easy-Bake ovens, like my parents told me. And so when I saw the last movie, and it somehow managed to fall below my very low expectations, I felt the need to make this list of ways that the movie totally failed. So here goes.
-In not a single one of the Harry Potter movies has Charlie Weasley made an appearence, save for his face seen in a photograph of the Weasleys in Egypt during the third Harry Potter film. What happened to him? Are we supposed to just accept his disappearence without asking any questions? What is this, 1984?
-They have abandoned Dobby ever since the second Harry Potter film, even though he made an appearence in every single book except the first and third. He saved Harry on a number of occasions, and the reason that they became to close was because they did so much for each other in the six years that they knew each other. In the movies, they brought Dobby back after ignoring him for the past four movies, only to kill him off. And why did Harry cry so much? He barely knew him. The movies just weren't fair to Dobby, who was one of the biggest heroes of the books. They just wanted to bring him back to show off the special effects, those sons of bitches.
-At the end of the last film, when Harry sees Lupin appear from the resurrection stone, he mentions Lupin's baby. Actually, that's very strange, because at no point in ANY of the Harry Potter movies did either Lupin or Tonks or anyone actually tell Harry that they were to have a baby. In the first part of the Deathly Hallows, Tonks tried to tell him, but Moody cut her off. So how did he know? Is Harry Potter in fact the mother of the baby?
-As in all of the Harry Potter movies, when the Polyjuice Potion is consumed in the last film, their voices remain the same. What's the point of the Polyjuice Potion if your voices are still the same? That's like getting a sex change but refusing to shave your beard off.
-Why did Griphook not let them out of the vault? Goblins aren't evil, they're just sort of selfish. In the books, all he did was steal the sword back, which is what they promised him in the first place, in reality intending to cheat him. The directors were being just plain racist against goblins.
-When Harry finally met up with the rogue Hogwarts students in the Room of Requirement, he immediately asked for their help instead of refusing to let them participate, as in the book. This was an important episode, as it taught Harry that the struggle against Voldemort was bigger than him, and that he needed help. He couldn't do it alone. Plus, he had a huge ego problem and that motherfucker needed to get off his goddamn high horse.
-Why does Voldemort's army suddenly consist of three bajillion Death Eaters? There aren't that many wizards in the world. The ultimate struggle between the good guys and the bad guys at Hogwarts, although significant and very intense, is not like a battle between the Ancient Romans and the Persians. And why was that snatcher leading the army? It's because the directors have a soft spot for familiar faces, and are all too willing to grant a totally insignificant character another role in the next movie. Even if the aformentioned insignificant character is an ugly-assed motherfucking dick face. No offense to him, of course.
-Why didn't the Gray Lady tell her story? What's up with that? She was just weird in the movie. It was like she was on her period, not like she had a dark and mysterious past that was too hurtful to share with Harry Potter.
-How could they possibly not kill Wormtail? That was one of the most important parts of the seventh book. Wormtail, who has been a spineless coward his entire life, is suddenly considering risking his own neck to save Harry. How can you just leave that out? Bitches.
-WHY THE HELL IS CRABBE BLACK???
-Harry told Ron and Hermione that he was planning to turn himself in. The reason he did not do so in the book was because he wanted to be absolutely certain that he was going to sacrifice himself in order to kill Voldemort, and he didn't want Ron and hermione to stop him. Plus, even if they knew he needed to in order to kill Voldemort, they never would have let him do it. And even if they did, Ron would at least hug him first. Geez. What are you guys? Robots?
-Voldemort asking who wants to join him and who doesn't. That wasn't in the book. And it just didn't work. Most importantly, Malfoy wasn't supposed to go back to Voldemort. The whole point that that didn't happen in the book was redemption for Draco Malfoy's character. He didn't turn good, but he was at least supposed to show appreciation to Harry for saving his life. As you can see in the third picture of this post.
-Why didn't everyone party once Voldemort died? In the book I pictured it like a massive rave. It talked about how everyone wanted to touch Harry's face and his penis and it went on for what seemed like days and days. In the movie it was like the equivalent of a fifth grade soccer team winning a single game. They were like, "So, we really got him, didn't we, Harry? That was nice."
-Harry was supposed to use the Elder Wand to mend his own wand, not break it in two, heave it over the bridge, and look back at Ron and Hermione with this expression on his face like "WHO WANTS SUMMA THIS?!"
-Voldemort was just not scary enough. And I don't mean that like I think they should have done better the special effects or anything. The way they handled his character was just embarrassing. This is a wizard who has killed many people, built most of his following based on his intimidating and powerful disposition, and is planning to live forever. Not some pushy guy who was born with mild physical deformities who everyone feels uncomfortable around.
-The movie was photographically and aesthetically very beautiful, but it wasn't at all very creative or artistic in its presentation. They had a lot to work with, but it wasn't anything truly praise-worthy. It would be like if your wife asked you what you wanted for dinner and you answered "I don't know how about chicken" and three minutes later she dumped an uncooked chicken on your lap.
-There were too many explosions and fancy wand magic. Maybe if they had focused more on the fact that the movie they were making was an enormous lump of dog poo poo. I was about to use the line "the movie they were making sucked some serious dick," but I had to change it because I got sued by one of my followers' moms for using too much profanity. She told me I wasn't supposed to say who, because I had already proven myself to be irresponsible.
-The comic relief was improperly incorporated into the film. Who else is sick and tired of Ron wiping specks of food from Hermione's chin. Or Seamus Finnigan making things explode? They even messed up the timing in the scene where Mrs. Weasley calls Bellatrix Lestrange a bitch. It was all just really tacky. Like wearing a Dr. Seuss hat to a fancy dinner party. Or making a Holocaust joke at a synagogue. Or Michelle Obama sucking on her husband's pinky while he's trying to make an important speech.
-They totally ruined the kiss between Ron and Hermione.
-When Harry saw Ginny, why didn't they immediately start making out and maybe move onto some over-the-pants heavy petting action? They're going to get married, for God's sake. And they're teenagers. Instead he was just like, "Oh, hey, Ginny. How've things been?" And she's like "Pretty good pretty good. How's your life?"
-The new Dumbledore, as he has always been, is profound and moving only in the way that it is mind-blowing how un-Dumbledorish he is. Just because he has a long white beard doesn't mean he's Dumbledore. The scene with Dumbledore at King's Cross in the new movie was yet another disappointment.
-When his parents and Sirius and Lupin and Tonks came out of the Resurrection Stone, it was all very icy and emotionless. I didn't like it at all. I spit at that scene.
-The epilogue was all right, but they neglected to make it magical and inspiring. They certainly failed to make Harry, Ron, and Hermione look like fully-grown adults, and their children looked just like the stars of a preteen version of High School Musical. As we saw them through the window chatting away in their little compartment, it looked like a TV commercial for Harry Potter World, one that ended in the words "Experience the world of Harry Potter."
(These kids are thinking, We're about to become SO famous. I can't wait to start my own show on Disney channel and post pictures of myself smoking pot on Google.)
The last movie seemed to recognise, "Everyone already knows how the book ends. So why try?" And they consequently ended up focusing on all the wrong things. Still, I think I'll surprise you all by also posting a considerably shorter list of all of the things that I did, grudgingly, like in the newest movie. Mm hm, I can tell you're really surprised by the surprised look on your faces. BAM. Suck my dick. Yeah. So here goes.
-I loved the scene in the Pensieve. It was very artistic and beautiful, I'm amazed to find myself saying. In the first part of Deathly Hallows, I fell in love with the animation scene despite the fact that I didn't love the rest of the movie. It was the same for the scene with the Pensieve in the last film.
-Snape's death. I think they changed that for the better. The fact that he actually looked at Harry and told him that he had his mother's eyes demonstrated such a profound transformation of character that I could not help but weep. Finally he recognised the Lily in Harry rather than just the James in him. I think they handled it all masterfully.
-I've always thought that Evanna Lynch has done a fantastic job as Luna Lovegood. I say this partly because it is true, but mostly because I have the hots for Evanna Lynch. I would have never thought that reading the books, but watching the movie and seeing Lynch as Luna Lovegood never fails to get me extremely aroused. And it made me angry that that sonofabitch Matthew Lewis ended up getting her at the end of the movie. She was supposed to be mine. Clearly we are both ideal members of the Master Race. It is our duty to wed and give birth to beautiful Aryan babies in service to the Fatherland!
(This is me sidling up for a kiss and Evanna promptly stepping backward.)
So what is the thing that the newest Hary Potter movie and Jay Leno's chin have in common? Well, unlike what seems like the rest of the entire world, I am left unimpressed by it. BUT, as in the case of Jay Leno's chin, I harbor a secret appreciation and love for it which I must compensate for by complaining furiously.
Concerning the blogging survey named Nicolai, I am just going to go out and say that while many of your answers were intensely amusing, you all failed profoundly at it. You were SUPPOSED to post it on your own blogs and then tag several of your followers, who would go on to tag their followers with it and so on and so forth until it was all over the web and the traffic for the Nerd Archives TRIPLED and I would become famous and write my own book filled with memoirs. So far NOTHING is going according to plan.
Thank you for your time.
Movie quote of the day: "This is Sammy Davis Jr. Jr... She is Grandfather's Seeing Eye bitch." -Alex, Everything is Illuminated
That Blond Guy
Friday, August 5, 2011
Posted by That Blond Guy at 4:10 PM