Wednesday, August 10, 2011

A Post for You Weirdos Who According to the Poll Are for Some Bizarre Reason Obsessed with My Personal Life

I don't know why ANYONE voted for that option on the poll considering my personal life largely consists of me sitting on the couch, eating soap and watching re-runs of I Love Lucy. Sometimes I'm wearing clothes, sometimes I'm not. That's as exciting as it gets.

Nevertheless, for those of you who are so insistent upon finding out what I do in my spare time when I'm NOT eating soap or drooling over Lucille Ball, I'm writing this post for you knowing that it will be a profound disappointment. I find that bloggers who talk too much about their personal life are sexually deprived, attention-seeking, and marginally obese. I am actually all three of these things, but I like to pretend I'm not. Still, I'm going to persevere through the shame and embarrassment and write about the dark, empty abyss that is my life.

I got my braces off last week! (How's that for dark, empty abyss?)

When I sat down and counted how many years in total I have had braces, it added up to eighteen thousand bajillion. Which I was actually quite surprised by, as it was even more than I had anticipated. Now I can actually smile with my teeth showing.

(That one's for Eeshie.)

Actually...YOU be the judge of whether or not I should smile with my teeth showing. Anyway, at the very least, I can now refer to my teeth as "pearly whites" if I see fit. Or more likely, when I spend my first night in a county jail, my 6'4 cellmate named Bubba can refer to them as such before he violently rapes me. But I won't mind so much as I would otherwise, because I got my braces off which is awesome!

The day after that I crashed at a friend's place after a long day full of serious partying during which I at one point became legally wed to a female goat. We smoked a lot and ate a good deal of fine cheeses, and the next morning he actually took me golfing. Before you judge, know that I have never been golfing before in all my life and that this was just an experience for me. It was actually really fun, even though my favourite part was riding around in the golf cart and shouting "HONK HONK" at all of the passerby. I wasn't so great at the golfing part actually.

When we came back his little brother starting cooking chicken burgers, which promptly caught on fire, set off the alarm, and resulted in a firetruck coming to rescue us. They exclaimed in horror at the severe facial deformities I received from the fire before we could assure them that there was no actual fire and that's just what my face looked like.

A few days later I went to Six Flags, (which is an amusement park for those of you who have yogurt for brains and are stupid and don't know anything.) I, unlike my brother, love roller coasters and never tire of Six Flags. I went on rides like Acrophobia, Daredevil, and Goliath, all seen below:

You probably can't see it, but that's me at the top of the ride, spitting over the edge.)

On this ride they like to advertise that the drop is beyond vertical. You could say the same thing about my penis.

This is Goliath, their main attraction. When you're on the top of Goliath, you can see pretty much the entire city and it's amazing and wonderful. When you're going down the biggest hill on Goliath, everything begins to go black and your testicles will feel like they're being fondled by an angel. It's a hell of a ride.

I wore my fave Cookie Monster shirt, which I thought combined with my goatee and torn jeans made me look like a hipster. It turns out, Sesame Street t-shirts are already a thing. One of my friends showed up wearing a Trashcan Man t-shirt, and we also saw two Elmo's and an Ernie. I even saw an eight-year-old kid wearing another Cookie Monster t-shirt. I laughed and said, "Well, one of us is going to have to change." He frowned and ran to get his mom.

I also wasted five dollars at the claw machine trying to get one of these domo-kun stuffed animals. I actually picked it up with the claw all five times, but since the claw was a stupid piece of fucking shit, it always dropped it before it could get to the little deposit box. At the end of my fifth try, I ended up banging my fist on the glass and screaming the word "BITCH" in front of my audience, which consisted of about twenty eleven-year-olds.

Probably one of my favourite parts was getting my caricature done, even though the caricaturist almost got in a fight with the guy before me, who complained about having his caricature bent up and demanded to get his money back. The fight ended with the guy yelling "I'm gonna mess you up" and the caricaturist wimping out and giving him his money back.

Here's my caricature and here's a picture of me. Decide if you think there's any relation at all. If you do, I'll be offended. If you don't, I'll be offended.

I'm doing the thumbs up because that's what I'm doing in the picture, NOT because I'm a happy person or because I like any of you guys. Anyway, once I saw the caricature I told the guy that it looked very German, which I meant as a compliment, but he told me to go suck a fuck. Which I still don't know what that means.

Also, here's a picture of a rock I painted which I think I forgot to show you guys. And also, a picture of a book which I found out about on Katie's beautiful blog. I don't know why I'm showing you either of these things, but I think it has something to do with fate.

I love this book, but everyone time someone sees me reading it, they think I'm depressed and give me a reassuring pat on my knee.

It's modeled after my moose worry stone, which I still keep with me at all times.

I know I know this has been a REALLY REALLY long post but I just had a lot to share with you guys. I'm done now, though. Please be honest about whether or not you liked this post and whether or not you want me to make more like this one. And remember to vote on my poll. And for those of you who have requested that I do video blogging, I am going to protest saying that the last time I did it, it was a total disaster and I lost half my followers. The moment I see any of YOU do vlogs, I will CONSIDER the prospect.

Also, watch this: SNL Celebrity Blogger.

Movie quote of the day: "I'll tell you what he said. He asked me to forcibly insert the Lifeline Exercise Card into my anus!!!" -Kittie, Donnie Darko

That Blond Guy

19 people secretly have a crush on me:

Maxwell said...

I'm a little sad for you that your caricature ended up looking like Spencer Pratt.

I sincerely hope that does not drive you to repeatedly punch yourself in the balls.

Bookish.Spazz said...

Bahahahahaaaa! I didn't even notice that your caricature looked like Spencer Pratt until Maxwell pointed it out.

I had a caricature done of me and my boy toy once, and it was by far the best portrait of me ever. Sadly, he is now my former boy toy so I don't like to look at the picture. It makes feel melancholy.

I Love Lucy is the best. Dezi Arnaz makes my heart flutter in a pre-angioplasty way.

Haha, I remember when this SNL episode first came out! My friend Hannah and I laughed about it at school the following Monday for a complete hour. "What's so scary about Connecticut? Losing your tennis racket in a Pottery Barn?" hahahahahaaaaa.

I recorded a vlog, but forgot to post it. It is now irrelevant. I'll make another one eventually.

dirtycowgirl said...

Your descriptions and pictures of rollercoasters have helped to confirm my long held belief that they are not for me.

I felt sick just looking at them.

Sexually deprived and marginally obese ? Sounds like we have something in common - I tend to blame the latter on the former.
What's your excuse ?
Gotta go, have to write a very long post about cleaning my house, going up the shop and my cats.

I have actually wrote about all three of those at one time or another...sort of.

-E- said...

it does look like a famous german but i can't quite place whom.

Myli said...

Your caricature is so cute. No wait, you're cuter. Congrats on getting your braces off too. I definitely think you should smile with your teeth!

Lex said...

I didn't read this post yet, because your posts always take me like 3 hours to read, but I just wanted to tell you that i missed your crazy. the end.

That Bastard From Bellingham said...

Hey, don't blame me man! I voted for more plays/parodies.

cricketfreak said...

Your caricature looks quite like you, except with a few things magnified-that's why its called a CARICATURE.

L. said...

I can honestly say that I liked this post. I liked the Donnie Darko quote at the end, because Donnie Darko is one of my favorite movies. However, that doesn't mean I know what the fuck it was about. Seriously, man, I've watched it probably 17 times and I still have trouble figuring it out. Still. What do you know about portals?

Do your teeth feel slimy??? Because that was how my teeth felt after I got my braces off. Really slimy. And then really covered in caramel. Because I literally went home and ate a box of milk duds after I got them off. I felt it was my due reward. You look good smiling with teeth. Seriously. I look demented. I try to do the mysterious half smile, a la Mona Lisa, but more often then not I just look like I'm vaguely insane and should be kept in a home.

Anyway, jealous that you got to go on roller coasters. This was a really long comment, but I felt it was only fair since the post was long. An eye for an eye.

Go chew some gum! It is so much fun without braces!!!

Boyd said...

Woohoo!! I love reading about your life, man. Seriously - my friends and I act out various scenes you describe. Like that time you kept someone tied up in your basement? Priceless!!

But seriously, I do love posts about your life. And you've given me inspiration; I've been too lazy to write a post about all my recent happenings - but why not a vlog?? How strange, that I just got a webcam...

By the way, that caricature is slightly off. The chin-to-face ratio is all off, and your epic facial hair isn't properly emphasized.

I expect more of these in the future!!

Miss Sassy Pants said...

"bloggers who talk too much about their personal life are sexually deprived, attention-seeking, and marginally obese"

Wow, you just described me.

How did you know?

Lemons Don't Make Lemonade said...

MORE ON YOUR LIFE, PLEASE. This post cracked me up. Hard.

And if you make it embarrassing, I'll send you a postcard of dogs having sex., refer you to Google.


Eeshie said...

First off, I'd like to thank you for the lovely picture you took for me. It was pleasantly awkward. However, in all honesty, I think you're second picture was more attractive. The one you took to compare yourself with the caricature? Yeah, that one. I liked it. You looked pretty good, just sayin'...

I like your face ^__^


Ooh, roller coasters. Ooh, Six Flags. I have never ever ever never never ever ever been to Six Flags in my life. Actually, no – I went to the Safari thing they have once. But I've never actually been to the amusement park part. Which,'s pretty sad.

Holy shanoodles. You're brave for going on those rides. Like...damn.

I HATE THOSE STUPID CLAW MACHINES. THEY'RE SO IMPOSSIBLE. UGH! Whenever I see them, I think to myself, “Eeshie, they're just trying to make you spend money. You know that they're specifically designed so that you CAN'T win.” And yet I always try, thinking, “Maybe just this once, I'll win something.” NO. IT DOESN'T WORK.

In fact, I've never seen anyone win anything from those darned claw machines. Well actually, once. It was my cousin's (Misticalnia's) dad, who's like, awesome at everything he does. He got something on his first try. Meh.

I liked this post, and I'm being completely honest. Why wouldn't I? And your vlog was NOT a total disaster in the least. Everyone loved it. I would do one, but I don't like showing my face on the Internet to people I don't even know. And then there's religious complications, and then my voice sounds weird in electronic form, so

I almost didn't leave a comment because you made me The Meanest Commenter of The Year. And that was not nice. But I decided that I shall be the bigger person and graciously left you a comment anyway.

Suck a what?!

Ash said...

I only just recently swung a real golf club at a real golf ball for the first time as well. But it was at a driving range where accuracy is not a factor, so I couldn't be judged by the prusists, HA.

It was mad fun though. It is untold amounts of awesome to crack the sh*t out of a little white ball with a stick for no other reason whatsoever than as to crack the sh*t out of it. Very theraputic.

That Blond Guy said...

Maxwell: No YOU look like Spencer Pratt. But actually, yes it does. And no, I won't punch myself in the balls because I don't have any. You heard that right.

Bookish.Spazz: Well then thank God for Maxwell. I'm sorry about your boy toy. Did he die?!

It's definitely one of the funniest SNL sketches I've seen in ages. I cried from laughter.

dirtycowgirl: I like looking them but I have been known to occasionally black out once or twice during the ride.

I have no excuse. Although I do like to answer that question with the word "Onions" when people do ask it of me. And I'll read that post of yours sooner or later.

-E-: Hitler?

Myli: You're so nice! You just made my day.

Lex: You miss my crazy? That's nice to hear. Thank you so much, Lex!

Bastard: Good for you! Thanks.

cricketfreak: Ha ha very clever I hate you!

Jen: I think Donnie Darko set the definition for the genre of Mind-Fucking films. Netflix calls it "Mind-Bending" but we all know what it really is.

Yeah they do. It was actually very weird and kind of uncomfortable. I didn't eat much of anything after I got them off because I didn't really pay attention to the braces regulations all that much anyway. And thank you! I'm sure you have a wonderful smile.

Boyd: I love reading about my life too. And thanks so much! You get a sticker.

That would actually be pretty cool for you to make a vlog. I'm thinking about making one, but my webcam sucks.

I totally agree about the caricature as well. Thanks for the comment, man.


Lemon: Please do. That's spicy. And thanks for the comment. Another question--are you going to complete the Blogging Survey Named Nicolai? I wouldn't normally ask you, but you have so many followers that if you did it and tagged all of your readers, who would tag theirs, the possibilities would be endless. Thanks so much in advance I love you!

Eeshie: It's only awkward if you make it awkward. When people tell me they feel awkward when I walk around not wearing pants, I just put my hand on my shoulder and tell them to get used to it. And thank you.

Nah I don't smoke. I hate smokers in fact. I think it's the last thing I would do. I would sooner become a heroine addict than a smoker.

Six Flags is pretty awesome if you're into roller coasters. Although the claw machines are diabolical.

I think I sorta liked this post too. I might do a few more like this one in the near future. I don't blame you for not doing a vlog either, although I still think mine was a disaster.

I'm sorry. I only gave you that award because you said "OH MY GOD YOU'RE SO HOT no wait just kidding you're not." And I was all like "Awwwwwwwww Eeshie hurt my feewings."


Ash: It is fun, isn't it? Although I don't see how you don't hear about more people dying from golf balls to the head.

Kay said...



That Blond Guy said...

Kay: I'll think about it.

Eeshie: I need you to do the Blogging Survey named Nicolai as well. I need you to wield your mammoth blogging political power to aid Nicolai in his quest for fame. With great power comes great responsibility, Eeshie. Would you do that favour for me?

Eeshie said...

You're welcome.

I just had a brilliant idea. I was planning to do the Blogging Survey named Nicolai originally, but now I think I'll make things difficult (difficult for you, of course).

I'll do the survey if you make another vlog. Deal?

Hehe. Do you hate my evil-ness yet?

Catia said...

Your caricature looks fairly brilliant, actually. Congratulations on the removal of your braces. It's nearly as aesthetically pleasing as the removal of unwanted facial hair. Great blog, I love your writing style.