I don't know why ANYONE voted for that option on the poll considering my personal life largely consists of me sitting on the couch, eating soap and watching re-runs of I Love Lucy. Sometimes I'm wearing clothes, sometimes I'm not. That's as exciting as it gets.
Nevertheless, for those of you who are so insistent upon finding out what I do in my spare time when I'm NOT eating soap or drooling over Lucille Ball, I'm writing this post for you knowing that it will be a profound disappointment. I find that bloggers who talk too much about their personal life are sexually deprived, attention-seeking, and marginally obese. I am actually all three of these things, but I like to pretend I'm not. Still, I'm going to persevere through the shame and embarrassment and write about the dark, empty abyss that is my life.
I got my braces off last week! (How's that for dark, empty abyss?)
When I sat down and counted how many years in total I have had braces, it added up to eighteen thousand bajillion. Which I was actually quite surprised by, as it was even more than I had anticipated. Now I can actually smile with my teeth showing.
(That one's for Eeshie.)
Actually...YOU be the judge of whether or not I should smile with my teeth showing. Anyway, at the very least, I can now refer to my teeth as "pearly whites" if I see fit. Or more likely, when I spend my first night in a county jail, my 6'4 cellmate named Bubba can refer to them as such before he violently rapes me. But I won't mind so much as I would otherwise, because I got my braces off which is awesome!
The day after that I crashed at a friend's place after a long day full of serious partying during which I at one point became legally wed to a female goat. We smoked a lot and ate a good deal of fine cheeses, and the next morning he actually took me golfing. Before you judge, know that I have never been golfing before in all my life and that this was just an experience for me. It was actually really fun, even though my favourite part was riding around in the golf cart and shouting "HONK HONK" at all of the passerby. I wasn't so great at the golfing part actually.
When we came back his little brother starting cooking chicken burgers, which promptly caught on fire, set off the alarm, and resulted in a firetruck coming to rescue us. They exclaimed in horror at the severe facial deformities I received from the fire before we could assure them that there was no actual fire and that's just what my face looked like.
A few days later I went to Six Flags, (which is an amusement park for those of you who have yogurt for brains and are stupid and don't know anything.) I, unlike my brother, love roller coasters and never tire of Six Flags. I went on rides like Acrophobia, Daredevil, and Goliath, all seen below:
You probably can't see it, but that's me at the top of the ride, spitting over the edge.)
On this ride they like to advertise that the drop is beyond vertical. You could say the same thing about my penis.
This is Goliath, their main attraction. When you're on the top of Goliath, you can see pretty much the entire city and it's amazing and wonderful. When you're going down the biggest hill on Goliath, everything begins to go black and your testicles will feel like they're being fondled by an angel. It's a hell of a ride.
I wore my fave Cookie Monster shirt, which I thought combined with my goatee and torn jeans made me look like a hipster. It turns out, Sesame Street t-shirts are already a thing. One of my friends showed up wearing a Trashcan Man t-shirt, and we also saw two Elmo's and an Ernie. I even saw an eight-year-old kid wearing another Cookie Monster t-shirt. I laughed and said, "Well, one of us is going to have to change." He frowned and ran to get his mom.
I also wasted five dollars at the claw machine trying to get one of these domo-kun stuffed animals. I actually picked it up with the claw all five times, but since the claw was a stupid piece of fucking shit, it always dropped it before it could get to the little deposit box. At the end of my fifth try, I ended up banging my fist on the glass and screaming the word "BITCH" in front of my audience, which consisted of about twenty eleven-year-olds.
Probably one of my favourite parts was getting my caricature done, even though the caricaturist almost got in a fight with the guy before me, who complained about having his caricature bent up and demanded to get his money back. The fight ended with the guy yelling "I'm gonna mess you up" and the caricaturist wimping out and giving him his money back.
Here's my caricature and here's a picture of me. Decide if you think there's any relation at all. If you do, I'll be offended. If you don't, I'll be offended.
I'm doing the thumbs up because that's what I'm doing in the picture, NOT because I'm a happy person or because I like any of you guys. Anyway, once I saw the caricature I told the guy that it looked very German, which I meant as a compliment, but he told me to go suck a fuck. Which I still don't know what that means.
Also, here's a picture of a rock I painted which I think I forgot to show you guys. And also, a picture of a book which I found out about on Katie's beautiful blog. I don't know why I'm showing you either of these things, but I think it has something to do with fate.
I love this book, but everyone time someone sees me reading it, they think I'm depressed and give me a reassuring pat on my knee.
It's modeled after my moose worry stone, which I still keep with me at all times.
I know I know this has been a REALLY REALLY long post but I just had a lot to share with you guys. I'm done now, though. Please be honest about whether or not you liked this post and whether or not you want me to make more like this one. And remember to vote on my poll. And for those of you who have requested that I do video blogging, I am going to protest saying that the last time I did it, it was a total disaster and I lost half my followers. The moment I see any of YOU do vlogs, I will CONSIDER the prospect.
Also, watch this: SNL Celebrity Blogger.
Movie quote of the day: "I'll tell you what he said. He asked me to forcibly insert the Lifeline Exercise Card into my anus!!!" -Kittie, Donnie Darko
That Blond Guy