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Saturday, August 20, 2011

Fine Fine Fine Here's a Post About My First Day of School

I'm warning you, though, that you're going to find it extremely boring and disappointing, just as many of you found my voice to be when I posted my video blog last week. Speaking of which, NO, that was not my bedroom. My bedroom is the most masculine place on the face of the earth. It reeks of sweat and alcohol, the walls are covered floor to ceiling with posters of topless beach bunnies, and I let wild pigs roam freely through it.

But without further ado, here's the post about my first day of school. Don't get your hopes up, because most likely it's going to be a really dull, shitty post. For those of you who voted that I shorten my posts, I promise that I will make the effort. But not in this post.

Well I'll begin by telling you that I had to take the bus to school because my car is in the shop and my mom had to use the Honda Civic to go do some mom thing like eat at Doc Green's or browse for couch pillows at Pottery Barn. She dropped my brother, sister, and me off at the nearest bus stop, which is still like fifteen minutes away because we live in Atlanta Fucking Georgia and we have to drive six miles just to go to the bathroom.

After she dropped us off at the bus stop, which is right next to this tiny Methodist church, I said hello to a handful of people I knew and then realised that I really needed to go to the bathroom, because I had drunk at least eleven glasses of orange juice that morning to calm my nerves. I glanced at my watch and decided that if I didn't run to the bathroom in the church right then, then I would have to go in my pants during the bus ride. (I've had to do that more than once in my lifetime, and it's always embarrassing to explain to other people who are not always very understanding.) So I sprinted to the church, went to the little churchy reception area, swore I was a baptised Christian, and asked to use the restroom.

I walked out a couple of minutes later with a mildly content expression on my face, thanked the woman at the front desk, and walked back out to the bus stop. The moment I walked outside, my heart plummeted and my mouth fell open.

Everyone was gone. All the kids were gone. I jogged up to the road and looked down it, only to see the school bus speeding off in the other direction. I had missed it. I missed the bus.

After a bit of yelling and shouting, I collapsed onto the ground and pounded my fist against it. Gradually, my furious anger transformed into passionate lust, and I dry-humped the ground for three or four minutes before I could pull myself back together. I reached for the cell phone in my pocket and was seized by dread as I discovered the pocket was empty. I had left my cell phone at home. I NEEDED to get to school. It was the first day, and last year I had terrible attendence, so I couldn't just miss the day. I decided at that point that I had no choice but to hitchhike.

For any of you who have ever hitchhiked, you'll know that people don't stop just because you're standing there sticking your thumb out. You have to give them a little sugar, if you know what I mean. You have to show them a little somethin' somethin'. Which is exactly what I did. It took me about fifteen minutes, but finally an old, light blue punch buggy pulled up onto the shoulder of the road where I was. By that time I was standing there in just my Hanes boxer briefs, the rest of my clothes lying in a small pile at my feet.

I scooped up my clothes, pulled open the car door, and hopped inside as I was greeted by the driver. As I closed the door behind me and turned to meet him, I received my second surprise of the day.

The driver was a clown. Red nose, flappy shoes, white make-up, rainbow wig, the whole deal. He gave me a little smile and then started the car up right away. I continued to share at him in shock, but before I could say anything, he said, "So where you headed?"

I swallowed my surprise and gave him the address of my school, realising with dread that we were still about forty five minutes away and that this was going to be a long, awkward drive. He asked me my name and I told him, just my first name. He said his name was Jerry.

"So, um, you're like a circus clown?" I asked hesitantly.

He continued staring at the road. "You mind if we don't get into that right now?" he said. For a clown, he seemed like a pretty serious guy. I told him no, I didn't mind.

We drove for just a couple of minutes in silence. Suddenly, loud thrashing noises erupted from the back seat, which I hadn't even seen since I got in the car. I turned in my seat and saw something about the size of a small child squirming from within a plastic trash bag. Muffled cries came from it that sounded something like, "Help! Help!"

Jerry the Clown calmly took one hand off the wheel and reached for something under the seat. "Mind if I ask you to do me a quick favour?" he said.

"Not at all," I answered quickly.

He pulled out a big, rusty wrench from under the seat and handed it to me. "Would you give that bag a couple of good hard thwacks with this thing here? That'd really help me out."

I shrugged, took the wrench, and did as he suggested. After the fifth or sixth strike, the bag stopped moving. I handed him back the wrench, he thanked me again, and we continued to ride in silence. Some people might say that I should have done something about the abducted child in the backseat, and some would even go so far as to say that I shouldn't have agreed to have hit him with the wrench. But I really think that people's business should just be their business, you know? I didn't want to go nosing around in other people's personal lives. Especially since Jerry was nice enough to give me a ride.

We rode the rest of the way in silence. When we finally got to the school, I thanked him for the ride and hopped out of the car. He sped away immediately and I watched the little blue buggy disappear over the horizon.

I was about to run to find my homeroom, even though I was about half an hour late, but suddenly I realise that I was surrounded by what could have easily been four milion small green turtles. They surrounded me in every direction, leaving only about a square foot of space around m yfeet. They were baring their teeth, and some of them were kicking their little turtle paws into the ground, and at that point I realised that I would have to fight them.

So I got my fists up to prepare myself for a ninja battle against all of these turtles, but then all of them starting to float up into the air and breathe fire. I was like, "HOLY SHIT THESE ARE FLYING, FIRE-BREATHING TURTLES" and I knew that I would still have to fight them.

So I threw some punches and kicks and did a couple of spins and before I knew it I had defeated almost all of them. Finally there was only one that remained and I could tell that he was the Turtle King because he had a small yellow crown perched on top of his head. I bowed to him and he bowed back and said, "You have proven yourself worthy to the turtle race. I now bestow upon you the Crown of the Flying, Fire-Breathing Turtle Kingdom."

And I was like, "Gee thanks. Sorry I just killed like four million of your turtle friends." We both stared a little awkwardly at the sea of dead turtles lying around us.

He put on a weak smile and said, "Don't beat yourself up about it. This kind of thing happens to all of us at least once in our lives. Anyway, here's the crown of all of the Flying, Fire-Breathing Turtle Kingdom. Remember to use it for good and not for evil."

He handed me the little crown from his own head and then he started to slowly disappear until I could barely see him. I shouted out, "Wait! What if I need you?"

Although he was almost invisible, I could see him offer me an old, wise smile. "I will always be with you...in spirit," he answered. And then he was gone.

I pocketed the little golden crown and decided that it was probably too late to go to homeroom, as I had wasted something around fifteen minutes battling the turtle army. I pulled out my schedule and saw that my first period class was math. I sprinted across the campus to the Math/Science Building, huffed and puff up the three flights of stairs, and opened the door to Room 376.

The class was packed with kids, all of whom turned around to stare at me. The teacher, who was standing at the blackboard with a piece of chalk still in her hand, looked at me as well and said, "May I help you?"

I said, "Yeah, sorry I'm late. I'm Christopher Kennedy. I think this is my first class."

She shook her head and said, "That's impossible. Christopher Kennedy is right there."

She pointed to a kid sitting at a desk in the second row and sure enough, it was me. Or a clone of me. But whoever he was, he looked exactly like me. Everyone in the room looked at him and then looked at me. Then they looked back at him, and then back at me. In a moment of utter confusion, I marched over to him and punched him in the face. He punched me back. I pulled his hair. He pulled mine. I kicked him in the groin. He kicked me in mine. I bit his ear. He then stepped back and gave me a weird look. I think everyone in the room was giving me a weird look then.

He said, "Did you just bite my ear?" I turned red and, not knowing what else to do, punched him in the face again. Before I knew it, we were engaged in an all-out brawl, rolling around the room and throwing punches at each other. It was almost a full minute before two kids pulled us apart and we stood across the room staring at one another.

"The question is, which one is the real Christopher?" one kid asked. He then pulled out an freeze ray gun and pointed it back and forth between us. My heartbeat quickened and I held my hands up in the air. My clone followed suit.

"I suggest we ask them a question only the real Christopher would know!" another student suggested. After a little bit of consideration, they finally came up with a question that only the real Christopher would know.

"Name all of Albus Dumbledore's middle names," the same student asked my clone, and the whole class turned to look at him. He gaped at them stupidly for a few seconds and finally admitted that he didn't know. They then turned to me, and I proudly informed them that Dumbledore's full name was Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore.

They all exchanged glances, nodded at each other, and then fired the freeze ray gun at my clone. He burst into a million tiny snowflakes as everyone cheered and lifted me up onto their shoulders. We then scooped up all of the ice and made it into homemade ice cream. The teacher stirred in peaches to the ice cream, and I don't really like peaches. I asked if I could have mine without peaches, though, and she said yes. Then the whole class had ice cream.

The rest of the school day wasn't really remarkable. It was just school as always. Except for the part where I got ass-raped in the boys' bathroom. Which I still don't think I'm ready to talk about. It was scarring. Especially because the gang of guys who did it to me forced me into this big Winnie the Pooh suit before it started and made me wear it while it happened. I don't know why they did that. Why did they do that?

The only other noteworthy part of the day was when I ran into that girl I was talking about in that post from the end of the school year last year. Remember? I told her she had beautiful eyes. Well, when I saw her this time, her stomach was really big and her hands were resting on it, clasped together.

"Hey, how was your summer? Also, are you pregnant or just really fucking fat?" I said, raising my hand in greeting.

"I had a pretty good summer. And yes, I'm pregnant," she answered, smiling sweetly.

"Well? Who knocked you up?" I asked, returning her smile.

"That's not important right now," she said. "What's important is that I had a lot of time to think this summer and I realised that I love you. I've always loved you. And since the real father of the baby left me, I thought it would only be right to ask you to be the father. What I'm asking is for you to marry me."

At that moment an orchestra walked up to us and starting playing this really romantic music, and a bunch of people came out from their hiding places and whispering excitedly to see what my answer was going to be. I looked down into the champagne glass that was suddenly in my hand and fished out the diamond ring that was sitting at the bottom.

"Wow, this is all happening so fast," I said. I looked around at the crowd gathering around us and smiled. Then I looked into her beautiful, blue eyes and said, "Yes. Yes, I will."

Everyone started clapping and came forward to congratulate me, but then she started moaning and clutching her stomach. She shouted, "It's the baby! The baby is coming!" I panicked and looked around to ask if someone would drive her to the hospital, but everyone started leaving because apparently there was an important meeting that they all needed to go to. Finally it was just me and her. It seemed that I would have to deliver the baby.

It wasn't so hard as they make it out to be in movies. I just told her "Push!" a lot and slapped her in the face sometimes because she screamed a lot and it hurt my ears. After a good six of seven minutes, though, it popped right out and I held it in my hands. Something seemed strange about it. It was then that I realised that it was not a human baby, but a baby kitten!

"Honey," said, looking at her. "This baby of yours sure looks a lot like an infant kitten."

She bit her lower lip and said, "Hm. That's strange."

I helped her to her feet and we walked away together, hand in hand. It was my first day of school, and it would certainly not be my last. It was a day that I would never forget. It was a day I would look back on twenty, forty, and sixty years later, recalling it with fondness. I would remember that day, and I would think...

Zorro was here.

Cheers,
That Blond Guy

11 people secretly have a crush on me:

Bookish.Spazz said...

Just to fair warn you, I'm reading this at approximately 1:06 am and I just finished viewing the movie Watching the Detectives (which I think you would enjoy) and I'm a bit delirious and my eyes are heavy and I just want to sleep.

That being said, I'm glad you defeated your clone. I bet it was a part of Skynet, because only Skynet would be dumb enough to not program the Harry Potter books into its robots.

Sucks about those turtles. I hope they weren't sea turtles, because I think those are endangered. Then again those bitches deserved the punishment you dished out on them.

Jerry sounds like a cool cat. Speaking of cats, it was very commendable to step up and be the father to that fatherless kitten. Poor thing. I hope you saved the umbilical cord blood because that thing could come in handy if it ever gets leukemia or something... I don't know I saw something about it on House a while back.

Again, sorry about that ass raping thing. Too bad you're not into that kind of thing, because then you could have made some new friends or something. Oh well.

It's now 1:16 am and I'm going to retire to my bed to dream of the delicious Cillian Murphy and his luscious lips. Mmmmm....

cricketfreak said...

You have a very fertile imagination.
Remember to use the turtle-thing only for good, never for evil.
And good luck raising a kitten.

That Bastard From Bellingham said...

Yeah, enjoy these halcyon days of youth, m'man. This may be normal right now, but just wait 'til you graduate and shit starts gettin' REALLY weird.

That's when you have to start eating people.

Dude, you're going to have to start eating people.

I'm just sayin' this for your own good, m'man, but you're going to have to start eating people.

And change your name to Davey.

Yeaaaaaah, 'cuz that's sexy.

Sexy Davey, with your Winnie the Poo mascot outfit and your shoes and those jeans of yours...

L. said...

Your first day sounds...interesting...

Sucks about the turtles, they are such lovely, fun creatures. And since you told us about recieving the crown of the turtle king, if the bees start disappearing, we will know who to blame!

Sorry about you getting ass raped as well. I'll never look at Winnie the Pooh the same way again.

You've ruined my favorite childhood memory! I hope you're happy!

Anyway, I hope that your second day and third day go/went better than your first. Though becoming a father and killing your clone is pretty hard to beat.

Furree Katt said...

i read all of this with my jaw dropped to the floor. it was THIS engrossing *spreads arms wide*
i laughed really loudly at "we have to drive six miles just to go to the bathroom." tell me it isn't true! over here in Pakistan we have to do our job in bushes.
i applaud your bravery at getting into the car with a creepy kidnapper clown guy. and that too, named JERRY!
the fire-breathing turtle part was the best. write another story in which the crown their king gave you actually comes into some use :D that shall be totally awesome.
your name is Christopher Kennedy! :O that's actually quite nice.
too bad about the girl with blue eyes getting pregnant with someone else's baby-kitten-thing. if you need any advice in raising it, i can help because i've owned cats allll my life.
i like how you colored all the dialogues green!
and yes i was kidding about the bathroom thing.

thank you SO much for following my blog. i don't think i've ever been so excited about someone following me, ever. you're the best ♥ ♥ ♥

Maxwell said...

This is entirely unbelievable, because I refuse to believe that you drank straight orange juice to calm your nerves without mixing in any alcohol. The rest is standard first day of school affair.

Anna said...

I hope my first day is nearly as exciting as yours. What happened to the clown though?
Now tell us what you're going to do with your turtle king crown!

Boyd said...

I remember my first time going to school trippin' balls...

No, really:

http://boydsworld-boyd.blogspot.com/2009/03/blogging-under-influence.html

I don't blame you for helping Jerry. On your best behavior, you are just like him.

BAM. Got some Sufjan Stevens all up in this post!!

I'm picturing your turtle encounter as some sort of Scott Pilgrim mini-battle. Was the crown really a girl? like, disguised as a crown?

I hope the rest of your year goes as well as the first day did. Or maybe better than? I dunno, it sounded like a swell day to me...but maybe that's just because I like clone-killin' and Pooh-costuming.

Cosette said...

You know I love you, but you really need to stop that ear-biting. It's not the most socially graceful of activities.

http://misstapir.blogspot.com/

Gabi said...

No offense, but that's it!? Scratch that. I don't care if I offend you. Why would you *ever* think that beating up flying, fire-breathing turtles was interesting?
Or getting married? Teenagers do that all the time. Grow up a bit.

Sorry about the ass-raping, I guess.

Sara said...

Even though this was a long post it was worth reading, you dude are hilarious and have such a vivid imagination, and the way you describe yourself in the about me section, omg HILARIOUSE, you man are a very funny person and you have a talent at righting, keep up the good work! Your blog is awesome and I'm a new follower!

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