Thursday, August 18, 2011

Life and Times of the Hyperintelligent Cow

Day 1

Genius Cow: Why, hello, fellow cow friend. You wouldn't believe the day I've had. When I woke up this morning, my thought processes were suddenly far more complex, I became conscious of my own existence, and I developed an elaborate system of reasoning, logical, and problem-solving skills. I cannot be sure of what caused this sudden and dramatic evolution of my mental abilities, but I imagine it has something to do with the nuclear plant that is located some few miles away from our pasture. Perhaps some of the chemical radiation contaminated a particular square of grass I feasted on, or perhaps it seeped into the water I drank last night. What do you think?

Other Cow: Hard to say.

Day 2

Genius Cow: Salutations, bovine companion. Do you ever find yourself irritated by the number of black flies constantly buzzing noisily around your eyes, ears, tail, etc? Well, as it happens, I've invented a bug repellent of sorts composed of a number of herbs I discovered while grazing in the pasture. I've tested it out and found that it works quite well. You'd be welcome to use some if you like.

Other Cow: No thanks.

Day 3

Genius Cow: Greetings. You are familiar with, I assume, the depression in the road about a quarter of a mile down the driveway known as the cattle gird? Well, I've done some investigating, and I've observed that there is in fact a small path leading around the cattle grid back to the normal road. If we so desire, we could easily make it past the cattle grid to the road and straight to our freedom!

Other Cow: Isn't that something.

Day 4

Genius Cow: I have delightful news! You are aware of that rapidly spreading disease known commonly referred to as Mad-Cow Disease, officially named Bovine spongiform encephalopathy, abbreviated as BSE, which causes symptoms such as decreased milk production, weight loss, changes in behavior, and uncoordinated movements? Well, I've developed a vaccine! It wasn't so difficult, actually. It simply involved the isolation of a certain--

Other Cow: I'd love to chat, but I have four stomach-fulls of grass to digest.

Day 5

Genius Cow: Well, hello, cow friend. Say, have you recently read any of the works of the Austrian neurologist Sigmund Freud? I've been studying some of his most renowned articles on the unconscious mind recently and it's really some remarkable stuff. Freud establishes sexual drives as the primary motivational forces of human life. Isn't that something?

Other Cow: The rancher touches me sometimes.

Day 6

Genius Cow: Do you ever tire of eating the same grass over and over again all the time? Would you be interested in engaging in some culinary experimentations with me? Perhaps playing around with spices, trying out some recipes, hopefully even delving into French cuisine?

Other Cow: Hm. No.

Day 7

Genius Cow: Why, hello. Say, I have an inquiry for you if you're not monumentally busy. Do you ever think about the meaning of life? I mean, what are we doing here? What is the point of our existence? Or is there a point? Is what we have come to know as consciousness perhaps even an illusion? Is there a God? Are we alone in the Universe? Do you ever think about questions like that?

Other Cow: Moo.

Day 8

Genius Cow: Good day, friend. You know, I've been doing some serious thinking, and began to ask myself the question, why should we have to do what the rancher says? Who elected him as the leader? What gives him the right to tell us when to eat, and when to stop eating? When to walk, and when to stop walking? Who gave him the right to brand us, to rob us of our milk, and to even slaughter some of us for our meat and for our skin? Furthmore, what's stopping us from rising up against him and taking back what is ours? And yes, if you're wondering, I am proposing that we stage a revolution.

Other Cow: Okay.

Genius Cow: Really?

Other Cow: I don't know.

Day 9

Genius Cow: Hello again, my dear friend, and perhaps hello for the last time. You see, my ability to think and function as a conscious and intelligent creature, rather than giving me happiness and satisfaction, has made me terribly lonely and quite sad. Finally, I have made the decision to take my own life. Now, before you try to stop me, know that I have given this decision seriously thought, and there is nothing you can say or do to stop me.

Other Cow: Okay.

Genius Cow: Is that all you have to say?

Other Cow: No. Wait.

Genius Cow: Yes? What?

Other Cow: I have a question.

Genius Cow: What's that?

Other Cow: Do you mind if I eat you afterwards?

Genius Cow: (Sigh.) I suppose not.

Other Cow: Jackpot!


As you may have noticed, I decided not to blog about my return to school today. I'd rather not relive it. Especially because of the time on the second day when I got raped in the boy's bathroom in the history building. Which I don't want to tell you about either. Unless you actually want to hear about it, in which case you can shoot me an e-mail at the following address:

If you haven't already seen my video blog, yes, I did make one, and you can find it in the post below. Sorry I didn't find time to respond to all of your comments, as I have been extremely busy, but know that I did read them all and appreciate them. As usual, Kassandrah wins the award for best commenter because she's always nice to me. Which I like.

I believe some of you also have yet to complete the Blogging Survey Named Nicolai. It can be found below. You can post it on your blog and then tag all of your followers and I will be a very very happy blonde person.

That Blond Guy

12 people secretly have a crush on me:

Smokey_Cat said...

wow. I loved the dialogue between the 2 cows. awesome.

Bookish.Spazz said...

Cows. Very nice.

And I hope aside from the rape you had a pleasant first day! I start school next Tuesday... :P

Furree Katt said...

I WANT TO OWN THE GENIUS COW! *kicks the Other Cow in the shin*

Eeshie said...

Like I said: You better respond to my super long comment on the vlog. Harumph.

Wowwwwww your school starts early. Then again, it ends pretty early too. I go back to school on Septemer 8th. HA.

OOOOH. I wanna hear about your first day of school! Actually, I don't care what you're telling me about – everything you write turns out to be awesome, so even if you ever write a cookbook in the future, I'll be the first one to buy it.

Speaking of future, you still never answered this question that I asked you MULTIPLE times in the past, and every time I asked, you avoided answering it. -.- Last time I asked you this question, you answered, “Isn't it obvious?” And to that I say, “NO. It is not obvious at all.” So now I ask you the question AGAIN, and I'd very much like for you to answer this time. Like, a real answer. The question is: What do you want to do when you grow up? (Career-wise)

Those cows were very amusing. Interesting choice of animal.

-E- said...

cows only eat cows when humans grind them up and put them in their feed btw.

Kassandrah said...

:D :D :D
you're great

That Bastard From Bellingham said...

Okay, I actually lolled at the response to revolting against the rancher.



"I don't know."

Just...caught me off guard in the best of ways~!

rose said...

are all cows carnivorous, or just the pair in this story, or, just the 'other cow?' I hope that in reality cows aren't carnivorous because I really don't think I'd ever be able to look at them the same way again and I certainly won't be able to even entertain the thought of milk.

rosie xxx

That Blond Guy said...

Smokey_Cat: Thanks!

Bookish.Spazz: It is, isn't it? I actually had a terrible first day and pretty much week, but it was all right I guess because when a person says something is all right the situation is supposed to magically fix itself. Good luck at school next Tuesday!

Furree Katt: You can have him. He won't. Quit. Talking.

Eeshie: Guess what? I did! And just to yours, to nobody else's. That's how nice I am. And yes, my school does start early. Unfortunately.

I don't think I have the courage to talk about my first day of school.

What do I want to be after college and everything? Very seriously, I have no fucking clue. My friends make fun of me because I talk about becoming a million different things. Most recently, firefighter, film-maker, professional ballroom dancer, actor, writer, artist, psychologist, and marine biologist.

Is that an answer for you?

And I didn't choose them. The cows choose the wizard, Mr. Potter. Never forget that.

-E- Yeah. Thanks for the reminder.

Kassandrah: NO YOU'RE GREAT.

That Bastard from Bellingham: At least one thing in this post was laughoutloudable. (A word I just made up.) I wrote this at like two in the morning.

rose: All cows. I'm sorry I had to be the one to break it to you.

L. said...

I always thought that that was what cows talked about when they were in the fields. Seriously, anything with four stomachs that isn't my cousin has to be of above average intelligence. Obviously.

Gabi said...

I quite enjoyed that. I'm thinking something along the lines of a graphic novel. If the publisher refuses, you could always kill off the cow representing it in the story.

I do not know what this survey is. I've been in the wilderness. I'll look at it right after I pick the leaves out of my hair and cure that pelt from the bear I wrestled last week.

Tay Tay said...

Haha awesome dialogue. Loved reading this! :D