Wednesday, August 24, 2011

My Love/Hate Relationship with My Nordic Heritage, My Last Long Post Ever

Well, I've had about two weeks of school and I'm already about ready to turn back to methamphetamines. It's not what you think, though. I myself don't actually do it. I just sit down with people who are currently under the influence of meth and listen to them talk about what it feels like. It's pretty dangerous, though. One time while I was doing it a guy thought I was a piece of toast and tried to eat me. Once I stopped him and explained that I was not in fact a piece of toast but a human being, he was very embarrassed and kept apologising profusely. We're friends now. We e-mail.

Where was I going with this story?

Anyway, the first two weeks of school haven't been so bad as I thought they would. I'm still actively avoiding that same girl I've been talking about for like the past five years, I'm still perfecting the art of falling asleep with my eyes open during classes (an amazing trick to learn although it's kind of awkward if you ever have wet dreams), and I'm still just as much of a nerd as I've always been.

And just when you thought I couldn't get anymore blonde, I got even blonder!!! Wondering how that's possible? Well, I got blonde highlights in my hair!

See them?

Tell me what you think, and give me your honest opinion. Personally, I think they're fantastic, and I think most of my friends and family agree as well. I think the blonde highlights vastly succeed in bringing out my blondeness, don't you think? That may be kind of hard to understand for those of you who aren't big hair fanatics like I am. Basically, the blonde highlights really bring out my blondeness, (my blonde hair.)

All of this blondeness has gotten to my head a little, and I've become a little obsessed with my Aryan features. It's really brought out the German in me, and it's beginning to frighten those around me. I've requested that my friends start referring to me as "Kaiser Christof," or just a simple "Chancellor." When I announced this to them, one of my friends sarcastically responded, "How about we just call you Der F├╝hrer?" I paused, looked thoughtful, and told him I liked the sound of that.

It's also gotten me thinking a lot about my heritage. And when I refer to my heritage, I mean every single nation of the world where there are white people. I'm not descended from just a handful of European peoples, I am descended from all of them. Many moons ago, all of the great white nations of the world came together and created a white man whiter than any ever before. A white man to end all white men. A white man so white that he bordered on black. And he was called Christopher.

I realised that every single girl I've been involved with/seriously interested for as long as I remember were blonde-haired and blue-eyed. Is that racist? I hope not, because I really like Jewish people and stuff. As long as they're not in your face about it, you know. Just as long as they sort of keep it to themselves. But there's something about that type of girls that just drives me WILD. I've had a few crushes on some brunettes, some Indians, a few Jews, and some Asians, and I admittedly did date a brunette for a grand total of three months. (In fact, you may know her. Yep, it's -Sam.) But when I see a really beautiful girl with blonde hair and blue eyes, my insides just go all gooey and my penis gets big and hot. Did I just write that down? Yeah, I guess I did. What are you going to do about it?

I also got to thinking about the ups and downs of being descended from the Germans. I did come up with a few ups, but mostly just downs.


1) Girls I don't even know walk up to me and start feeling my hair, telling me that they "just wanted to see if it was real." Sure, some of them are older women, but I'll take what I can get.
2) High cheekbones.
3) A strong immune system and willingness to obey when strong men in army boots shout orders at me.
4) Enjoyment at being chastised with little whips.
5) My passion for sausage, (although I'm now a vegetarian) but tendency to befriend the pig and have meaningful conversations with it before I slaughter it and eat it.


1) I'm really, really pale. I'm so pale that it's contagious. I'm so pale that when you look at me from the right angle on a sunny day, I turn transparent. I'm so pale that when I put on sunscreen, people ask me, "Hey, Christopher, where'd you get that tan?" I'm so pale that Count Dracula took one look at me and just said, "No."
2) I turn red really, really easily. People know whenever I'm embarrassed, uncomfortable, nervous, or angry. It's impossible for me to hide my emotions. My parents know when I'm lying. My teachers know when I didn't study. Girls know when I like them. Boys know when I like them. I look in the mirror when I'm naked and see myself blush. I blush whenever someone mentions the name "Diane Kruger." I blush whenever I listen to a song by Madonna. I blush when I tie my shoes. I blush when brush my fucking teeth!
3)A lot of people are angry with me for being so white. I've been called whitie, blondie, cracker, and Nazi more times than I can count, (although I can only count to thirteen as it is). When I was in middle school, a gang of seniors playing soccer shouted at me from across the field, calling me a Nazi and telling me "go back to Auschwitz!" One of them threw the ball and it hit me squarely in the face. Blood dripping from my mouth, I smiled, licked it off my teeth, and congratulated them on their aim. When I turned back to say something to my friends, I found that they had all gone.
4)Although I love the German language, I can't learn it because people would think I was neo-Nazi. Which I'm NOT. Just so you know. You believe me, right?
5) Skin cancer

Well, I think it's about to time that I end this post, don't you? It's dragged on about long enough. I'll really try to shorten the length of my posts after this.

Before I start, I'm going to make these announcements for the last time and then I'm done with them. 1) For anyone who is still interested in completing the Blogging Survey Named Nicolai, you can find it below. And remember that once you do it, you're supposed to tag your followers so all of them can do it too and that will just make their day. I know it will. 2) If anyone still hasn't seen my video blog, you better watch it, because that's not going to happen again anytime very soon. 3) If you want to hear about my first day of school, I wrote about it in the post below this one. More or less.

Movie Quote of the Day: "BREAD MAKES YOU FAT?!" -Scott, Scott Pilgrim vs. the World

That Blond Guy

13 people secretly have a crush on me:

Katie said...

The last guy I really liked looked a lot like you, blonde hair, blue eyes. His dad was even German.

I'm pretty white myself. I burn easily, I'm super pale, and I completely identify with turning red. I blush so freaking easily. Like, if I say something funny, and people laugh, I will turn red. If someone says the name of the guy I like, I will turn red. It's a curse.

Boyd said...

I love your quote. I also love you.

I actually did start the survey named Nicolai, but there was some sort of formatting error...very difficult to handle. Considering I haven't blogged in a month (ohh, how the time flies!!), don't be hurt. Please.

I would touch your hair. And then you could touch mine!! It'd be our own little secret ;)

Please, motivate me to blog? Beat me up? Starve me? Whip me?

Bookish.Spazz said...

Your hair looks great. However, I was a little distracted by your amazing bone structure. Seriously. You have the jawline of a Nordic warrior.

Despite being uber tan, my face also tends to turn beet red whenever I'm embarrassed. It's awkward because everyone points it out and they're all like, "Awww how cute! Lizzi's embarrassed!" which only causes me to get even redder.

Personally I like people of Germanic backgrounds. When I was younger I had the hugest crush ever on this guy (coincidentally) named Kristopher and he was Half German, one-fourth Japanese, and one-fourth Native American. Talk about handsome features! He was blonde, super tall, and had the greenest eyes I had ever seen. Mmmmmmm....

Oh jeez. Now I'm rambling. Oh, just btw, the 9 people who wanted you to shorten your posts are morons. I love your long posts.

L. said...

I feel you on the pale thing. I'm Russian (well, technically Ukrainian. But who cares about Ukraine? I don't! Much.) and Irish. That is a recipe for paleness, and a predisposition to being an alcoholic. Which is ironic, seeing as I can't drink most alcohols because they are made out of wheat and I am FUCKING ALLERGIC TO WHEAT. AND THE SUN.

Whoa, I don't know where that came from. Possibly my hate triangle. I don't think I'll explain that one. I'll let you wonder.

I forgive you for killing my relatives, Der Fuhrer. If that wasn't obvious, that was me telling you that I'm Jewish. With a big, old, honking Jew nose. I like making racist jokes towards myself, because I can.

It's funny that you are getting into your family history, because my cousins from France were just here and we constructed a family tree. It was interesting. And weird. I have a lot of family.

I will miss your long posts.


Sky63 said...

I thought you said this was going to be your last post ever????

cricketfreak said...

I am 0% white.
I have brown skin, black hair and I never blush.
Your hair is so golden, it reflects the light :O

Ash said...

Scott Pilgrim... one of the greatest movies ever created. So good.

Damnit now you've made me want to watch it AGAIN.

Well played.

Myli said...

I love your hair! And I love pale guys! I actually had a boyfriend who had blue eyes and got even more intense blue contacts. I never saw the point, but he thought it made him more attractive. You, sir, are awesome!

Gabi said...

I feel your paleness pain.
Not the part about people calling me Nazis, my hair's too Jewish for that.
You should learn German anyway, it's a cool language.

Sarcasmic Ross said...


But in all seriousness, I may have felt your hair when your were sleeping... Not to check it was real though... Also, not your head hair. But I digress.

That Blond Guy said...

Katie: Unfortunately, my dad's not German. His grandmother was born in Norway, though, which I think is cool.

Exactly. Same with me. It's a gift. And a curse.

Boyd: Thanks, Boyd! Creepy, yet reassuring. I forgive you for not doing the survey named Nicolai, but if you do, you will get 300 Christopher points, which can be used to purchase a grand total of three gifts from the Christopher gift shop.

Okay. BLOG! Grr.

Spazz: Hey, thanks! Comments like these really cheer me up. That's how shallow I am. Anyway, you now know my greatest weakness: people who give me compliments have total control over me.

They do the same with me! People are so insensitive, aren't they? That guy Kristopher sounds like a freak of nature. The good kind, though.

And thanks!

L: I care about Ukraine! I think Ukranians are awesomesauce. That sucks about alcohol. That is, if you're not joking. I can't tell. TELL ME!!!

Hate triangle? I am confused. What's happening?

I apologise on behalf of my ancestors, who were unquestionably the most racist and evil beings to have ever walked the planet. For the record, though, I love Jewish people. A lot of my friends are Jews, and I think a lot of Jewish girls are really hot. And that's cool about your cousins from France! I'm learning to speak French.

Aleikhem shalom!

Sky63: I don't know. Geez.

Cricketfreak: Good for you. And yes, it is, isn't it?

Ash: Undeniably. And you're welcome.

Myli: Thanks! I've always wondered about coloured eye contacts. They seem pretty sexy.

Gabi: Thanks! And it's great to have you back. How was your trip?


And creepy. But hilarious. As usual.

That Bastard From Bellingham said...

Y'know, being a Halfrican-American I've come across my own breed of racism.

Normally from older black women though, perhaps not so strangely enough...they seem to hate me on sight for whatever raisins.

Honestly though, I don't judge people based on skin color or perceived nationality...I've met jerkasses from all races and creeds and beliefs, not to mention these also do not bar women (and some men) from being beautiful and desirable. I don't let little things like race and religion (or gender, depending) get in the way of me lovin' 'em...though I have noted a strange pattern of dating mostly blonde-haired, blue-ish-eyed white chicks.

...annnnnd I forgot where I was goin' with this, but I'm certain there's a point there somewhere.

Anyway, I can empathize with your whole "Doesn't want to be noted to be a neo-Nazi" thing, especially concerning the parties current beliefs aren't even the same as the originals, just the racism is the same.

Besides, NO ONE can speak German without sounding like a Nazi. It's one of the angriest-sounding languages in history.

I'm just sayin'...

Sarcasmic Ross said...