My Love/Hate Relationship with My Nordic Heritage, My Last Long Post Ever

Well, I've had about two weeks of school and I'm already about ready to turn back to methamphetamines. It's not what you think, though. I myself don't actually do it. I just sit down with people who are currently under the influence of meth and listen to them talk about what it feels like. It's pretty dangerous, though. One time while I was doing it a guy thought I was a piece of toast and tried to eat me. Once I stopped him and explained that I was not in fact a piece of toast but a human being, he was very embarrassed and kept apologising profusely. We're friends now. We e-mail.

Where was I going with this story?

Anyway, the first two weeks of school haven't been so bad as I thought they would. I'm still actively avoiding that same girl I've been talking about for like the past five years, I'm still perfecting the art of falling asleep with my eyes open during classes (an amazing trick to learn although it's kind of awkward if you ever have wet dreams), and I'm still just as much of a nerd as I've always been.

And just when you thought I couldn't get anymore blonde, I got even blonder!!! Wondering how that's possible? Well, I got blonde highlights in my hair!



See them?

Tell me what you think, and give me your honest opinion. Personally, I think they're fantastic, and I think most of my friends and family agree as well. I think the blonde highlights vastly succeed in bringing out my blondeness, don't you think? That may be kind of hard to understand for those of you who aren't big hair fanatics like I am. Basically, the blonde highlights really bring out my blondeness, (my blonde hair.)

All of this blondeness has gotten to my head a little, and I've become a little obsessed with my Aryan features. It's really brought out the German in me, and it's beginning to frighten those around me. I've requested that my friends start referring to me as "Kaiser Christof," or just a simple "Chancellor." When I announced this to them, one of my friends sarcastically responded, "How about we just call you Der Führer?" I paused, looked thoughtful, and told him I liked the sound of that.

It's also gotten me thinking a lot about my heritage. And when I refer to my heritage, I mean every single nation of the world where there are white people. I'm not descended from just a handful of European peoples, I am descended from all of them. Many moons ago, all of the great white nations of the world came together and created a white man whiter than any ever before. A white man to end all white men. A white man so white that he bordered on black. And he was called Christopher.

I realised that every single girl I've been involved with/seriously interested for as long as I remember were blonde-haired and blue-eyed. Is that racist? I hope not, because I really like Jewish people and stuff. As long as they're not in your face about it, you know. Just as long as they sort of keep it to themselves. But there's something about that type of girls that just drives me WILD. I've had a few crushes on some brunettes, some Indians, a few Jews, and some Asians, and I admittedly did date a brunette for a grand total of three months. (In fact, you may know her. Yep, it's -Sam.) But when I see a really beautiful girl with blonde hair and blue eyes, my insides just go all gooey and my penis gets big and hot. Did I just write that down? Yeah, I guess I did. What are you going to do about it?

I also got to thinking about the ups and downs of being descended from the Germans. I did come up with a few ups, but mostly just downs.

UPS:

1) Girls I don't even know walk up to me and start feeling my hair, telling me that they "just wanted to see if it was real." Sure, some of them are older women, but I'll take what I can get.
2) High cheekbones.
3) A strong immune system and willingness to obey when strong men in army boots shout orders at me.
4) Enjoyment at being chastised with little whips.
5) My passion for sausage, (although I'm now a vegetarian) but tendency to befriend the pig and have meaningful conversations with it before I slaughter it and eat it.



DOWNS:

1) I'm really, really pale. I'm so pale that it's contagious. I'm so pale that when you look at me from the right angle on a sunny day, I turn transparent. I'm so pale that when I put on sunscreen, people ask me, "Hey, Christopher, where'd you get that tan?" I'm so pale that Count Dracula took one look at me and just said, "No."
2) I turn red really, really easily. People know whenever I'm embarrassed, uncomfortable, nervous, or angry. It's impossible for me to hide my emotions. My parents know when I'm lying. My teachers know when I didn't study. Girls know when I like them. Boys know when I like them. I look in the mirror when I'm naked and see myself blush. I blush whenever someone mentions the name "Diane Kruger." I blush whenever I listen to a song by Madonna. I blush when I tie my shoes. I blush when brush my fucking teeth!
3)A lot of people are angry with me for being so white. I've been called whitie, blondie, cracker, and Nazi more times than I can count, (although I can only count to thirteen as it is). When I was in middle school, a gang of seniors playing soccer shouted at me from across the field, calling me a Nazi and telling me "go back to Auschwitz!" One of them threw the ball and it hit me squarely in the face. Blood dripping from my mouth, I smiled, licked it off my teeth, and congratulated them on their aim. When I turned back to say something to my friends, I found that they had all gone.
4)Although I love the German language, I can't learn it because people would think I was neo-Nazi. Which I'm NOT. Just so you know. You believe me, right?
5) Skin cancer

Well, I think it's about to time that I end this post, don't you? It's dragged on about long enough. I'll really try to shorten the length of my posts after this.

Before I start, I'm going to make these announcements for the last time and then I'm done with them. 1) For anyone who is still interested in completing the Blogging Survey Named Nicolai, you can find it below. And remember that once you do it, you're supposed to tag your followers so all of them can do it too and that will just make their day. I know it will. 2) If anyone still hasn't seen my video blog, you better watch it, because that's not going to happen again anytime very soon. 3) If you want to hear about my first day of school, I wrote about it in the post below this one. More or less.

Movie Quote of the Day: "BREAD MAKES YOU FAT?!" -Scott, Scott Pilgrim vs. the World

Cheers,
That Blond Guy