Trick or Treat Give Me Something Good to Eat or Just Leave the Bowl on the Front Porch with a Sign on the Front Door That Says "Quiet--Baby Sleeping"

For some impossibly juvenile and foolish reason, some people despise Halloween. I cannot even begin to imagine their reasoning for hating such a fun and unique holiday, but they do. Maybe you're diabetic. Maybe your parents were dentists. Maybe you're easily frightened because you lived an overprotective childhood. Maybe you're Dr. R. L. Hymers, Jr. and you're reading this post because of the maliciously-worded e-mail I sent you regarding your sermons in which I descirbed you as a "rabid, indoctrinating, blithering, Bible-thumping baboon."

Or maybe you somehow find it strange that on this holiday, originally the eve to a day honoring saints, citizens of First World countries across the world who call themselves civilized are dressing up in the middle of the night and banging on their neighbors' doors asking for candy.

But, to all of you Halloween grinches and Scrooges, I have only two words:

"FUP YOU!"

You heard me right. Fup you.

I absolutely love Halloween. First of all, I really like horror movies. Now, they have to be good horror movies: The Ring, The Shining, Psycho, Halloween, etc. I don't like gore either. I hate gore. Ruins a good horror movie. The best horror movies are the ones that creep under your skin--the ones that mess with your mind. Not the ones that make you feel squeamish and disgusted. Those horror movies are like rude cartoon strips compared to Renaissance masterpieces. I'm talking about psycological thrillers.

Another reason I love Halloween? I like the role-playing--I mean dressing up. Not role-playing. That'd just be weird...and gross...and kinky...and hot....

I love seeing when people get creative with their costume: juice boxes, Nazis, and dragon-hippo hybrids just to name a few of my favorites. I also loves babies in costume.



But most importantly: TEENAGE GIRLS IN COSTUME.

I don't care how corny. I don't care how cheap the costume is. To a certain point, I don't even care if you're good-looking or not. As long as you're scantily clad, shameless, and wearing cat ears. You tell me you want to be a sexy nurse pirate gypsy, I'll buy it--I swear. Just make sure you remember the stockings. Why would a sexy nurse pirate gypsy need stockings? you may ask playfully. Just wear them, b****, I would respond flirtatiously.

(The sexiest words in the English language are not, as our friend Foxworthy says, "Hey, y'all, I'm drunk!" Instead, it is often in response to the question what one is going to be for Halloween. It is "OMG I have the best slutty cheerleader costume in the neighborhood!"

So for reasons like these--role-playing teenage girls, adorable babies, horror movies, tons of packaged candy and the occasional roasted apple--Halloween is the best secular holiday there is. That is, of course, aside from Christmas.

You all remember the following: don't bully kids for their candy. Instead, trick-or-treat with them. When the police show up because one of the parents called them in, you just say "Hey, nice costumes, guys! I could almost buy it!" They'll feel so sorry for you, they'll leave you alone and go chase after some maniac running around in an Oompa-Loompa costume pelting small children with milk duds.

Happy Halloween and a Happy New Year! (slurred the drunken grandmother to the preteen trick-or-treaters before taking a swig of Vodka out of a skull-shaped children's mug from Party City.)

Cheers,
That Blond Guy