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Monday, October 11, 2010

A Compilation of Random Stuff That Will Hardly Intrigue You

First and foremost, I have to quote from a blog called Comical Musings. I'm hardly in love with the title, but I think the blog is brilliant. Listen to this transcript between him a guy who knocks on his front door during the day:

Interrupting weirdo: "Hello sir."

Me: "What?"

Mr. Oblivious: Have you decided who you're voting for in the local bi monthly super fantasmical election?

Me: "I'm undecided." (just noticing the yellow badge screaming "LIB DEM" at the world.)

Mr. Lib Dem Lover: "Have you considered voting for the Liberal Democrats?"

Me: "Depends, do they have my rights in mind?"

Mr. Too easy to rope in: "Of course sir, we Lib Dems look out for the community."

Me: "Finally, a baby eating rapist like me can live in peace" (Cue look of fond remembrance).

Mr. Uncomfortable and insulted: "Sorry sir, I didn't quite hear that. Can I just leave these pamphlets?"

Me: "Of course, come back soon."

Mr. Can't be fucked to argue: "Take care."

Me: (Sinisterly) "Oh, I will. Trust me I will."


Judge me if you will. I loved this.

IN OTHER NEWS: Spanish class on Thursday, we were writing news articles about random, imaginary topics. One guy in our class wrote an article about "Little Green Men Discovered on the Planet Mars."

While he was reading the article, our Spanish teacher was falling into fits of uncontrollable, breathless laughter. When we finally prompted her to tell us why she was laughing, she enlightened us to the fact that "Green Men" in Spanish, (Hombres Verdes) is a slang term for pedophiles.

In short, this poor kid in our class had just accidentally written an article about "little pedophiles" discovered on the planet Mars.

ON A LIKEWISE TOTALLY RANDOM NOTE: Nearly had an aneurysm this last Friday. A bunch of guys at my lunch table were having a series of conversations about totally unrelated topics, when one kid brought up the fact that he was reading the Harry Potter series for the first time.

At the instant that he mentions this, three different kids at the table were shouting the endings to the books at him. He was covering his ears and singing "La la la" before they could reveal too much, but a nerve in my brain had just snapped. I was furious. I pounced on those kids and was pummeling their backs with my little fists before anyone could do anything.

That's unforgivable. Spoiling the ends of books is a terrible crime. Spoiling the end of HARRY POTTER is unspeakable. It's totally twisted. Sick. Revolting. Disgusting.

At the moment I got off them, they got to their feet (covered in black and blue marks), and tried to start spoiling the end for him again. It was like that scene from Minority Report where Agatha foresaw Tom Cruise killing Crow, but she couldn't do anything about it. This terrible crime was being committed in front of my eyes, but I was powerless.

In case you're curious, I did finally snap. I started screaming and batted at imaginary birds flying around my head, shouting "It's the Red Knight! Can't you see him, Jack? The Red Knight!"

The teachers had to pin my down. Yeah, it was pretty humiliating once I became conscious again. Don't ever spoil books for your peers, my friends. It's unforgivable.

Finally, here's the poem I wrote for that special someone I mentioned last post which no one read. I stowed it in her locker last Friday, so I'll see what she thinks of it then. Don't get bored during the first and middle part, because the last part is what I'm sure is going to make her fall for me.

Such Blue Eyes

Such blue eyes, you angel,
Girl with hair of flowing sunbeams
That splash onto your tiny shoulders
Like a waterfall of liquid gold

What a spectacular, rippling laugh
That wafts through the otherwise unremarkable air
As you listen to a joke that’s not
Even sort-of funny

A smile to make Mona Lisa quake with
Jealousy in her tiny portrait frame
And even a nose that crinkles when you’re
Happy like that of a cartoon baby rabbit

What is your secret, how are you so perfect
Flawless skin like clouds on a sunny day
Teeth that are somehow attractive by themselves
Teeth can’t even be attractive

Best of all are your eyes, eyes of icy warmth
Miles of glacier and uncharted ocean mixed in
With clear skies and freshly opened acrylic paints
Such blue eyes

How I long to hold you in my arms, goddess,
Slap you around a little to show you what’s what
And to have my sweet way with you
To make you my wife, bitch

Why do you avoid my eyes in the hallway
Is it that one time when I told you
I wanted to make you my little whore?
Forget that, my sweet, and jump into my open arms


I can't wait to see the expression on her face when I see her next Monday! Do you...do you think she'll want to kiss me?

This has been a long and totally meaningless post. I think it's because I'm trying to re-gain the attention of my un-commenting followers. 0 Comments for the last four posts. Tragic, my friends. Totally tragic.

Coming soon "My Blogging Pet Peeves," hopefully with a more creative title. It's going to be a really keen post! You just wait!

Cheers,

That Blond Guy

9 people secretly have a crush on me:

Cookie Ross said...

I completely missed this in the blogs list! I've been quoted.
Glad you enjoy.
And trust me my blog name is chaging very soon, it's only this because "Do you see the sky reflect in my eyes?" was such a mouthful.
I enjoyed reading this :) (and not just because I'm in it)

Anonymously Me said...

Hey, don't feel bad about the zero comment thing. I read your blog, I just don't having anything to comment about. So now I'm commenting about why I don't comment. The end.

Smokey_Cat said...

I love Harry Potter too, and I'm very grateful that I had already read the book when I heard 'Snape Kills Dumbledore!!!' being shouted out to me

I hope your er, Special someone likes the song you left for them.

findingMuse. said...

I read it before most of my friends, either that or I had no friends around the time I read most of it.

I am quite often jealous of your poetry. Especially here. I love it. The end entiiiiirely shocked me, though. Words do not describe it for me.

OKAY OKAY OKAY IMMA COMMENTIN'.

That Blond Guy said...

Cookie Ross: Thanks so much for stopping by! (I'm starting to think I should stop using that line. Sounds really corny and neighbor-ish.) I really do love your blog.

Anonymously Me: Well, I'm glad to know that you do read. Thanks for commenting.

Smokey_Cat: Poem! If it was a song, I'd have to sing it. Awkward.

findingMuse: Well thank you. I would argue that your poetry is far better than mine, but I've never read it.

I, erm, suppose the ending might have been a little shocking to a seldom few. It calls for, shall I say, a required sense of humor.

findingMuse. said...

My poetry is awful. I'll stick with stories and essays for right now, thank ya very much.

I was amused, yes, but still surprised, as I had no idea that'd be coming.

I can think of several girls who would be rather offended to find those last two verses in their locker.

I am not one of them. xD

Boyd said...

That quoted post from Cookie Ross put tears of laughter in my eyes...literally.

The poem is hilarious. I can't imagine how your special someone wouldn't instantly fall madly in love after finding that note...so long as they have a basic sense of humor!

Kay said...

cute.

oh yes, I dared to utter it.

Cookie Ross said...

Haha :) I do like the idea of blogs being like a big neighbourhood, where you just pop by for a minute or two to read.
And there's always the crazy lady, the man who smells, girl who hates life and man who wishes to be left alone... So it sounds like a lot of my old neighbourhoods.