Tuesday, October 26, 2010

To Quote from...Jason Mulgrew

Excerpt from Jason Mulgrew's book Everything is Wrong with Me, after the author mentions that he hired a therapist and the therapist has been blaming all of his problems on his parents' divorce:

"Week Four:

Therapist: How are you?
Me: Okay, I guess. Oh, but last week, I tried to rip my penis off. I almost got it, too, but I gave up because I got tired.
Therapist: Hm...Why don't you tell me how you felt when you and your mom moved out of the house?

Week Seven:

Therapist: How are you?
Me: Not great. I learned recently that I get aroused when I watch shows like Cold Case Files and at funerals. I'm pretty weirded out about it, but part of me loves it.
Therapist: Do you think it might have something to do with your parents' relationship?

Week Eleven:

Therapist: How are you?
Me: I took a handful of pills on Sunday and beat up a traffic cop, two dogs, and a fence. To be fair, she was a really big and strong traffic cop and she started it. Although I did accidentally rob her house and her car. The dogs and fence were just innocent bystanders.
Therapist: What was your mom's biggest problem with your dad?

Week Sixteen:

Therapist: How are you?
Me: I burned down some churches and threw a hooker off a bridge. Then I got all coked up and ate most of a couch. Also, I'm not coming here anymore.
Therapist: Do you think your relationships with women have been affected by your parents' relationship troubles? And please keep coming. I'm putting a library in my house and I'm making a killing off you. It's cedar."

4 people secretly have a crush on me:

RainboRevolver said...

oh those crafty therapists...

This Mulgrew guy seems pretty epic. Is the rest of his book this good?

Boyd said...

Hmm...sounds like a good candidate for the next book I read.

Smokey_Cat said...

Your blog post is good. Mulgrews blog however, made me a tad uneasy; I don't know why! :s

( A word of advice, do not grow up to be like him :) )

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