Tuesday, October 4, 2011

A Tale About Pepper the Gay Monkey and a Little More Bitching on my Part About Whether or Not I Should End This Blog

Once there was a monkey named Pepper. Pepper was not like most other monkeys in the way that while he was a boy monkey, he did not like girl monkeys. He liked other boy monkeys.

This was apparent to Pepper's parents from a very early age. It was Halloween one year, and while all of Pepper's brothers dressed up as pirates or cowboys, Pepper walked out of his room wearing one of his mother's dresses and a little tiara perched on top of his head. Lipstick was smeared all over his face.

"I'm a beautiful princess," Pepper exclaimed excitedly, stroking the dress lovingly. "I need to find a frog to kiss to turn into a handsome prince."

Pepper's Mama and Papa Monkey exchanged glances. Then Papa Monkey grabbed Pepper's shoulder and led him out back, where he began to beat him violently with a banana.

"Ain't no son 'a mine gone be some fruit!" Papa Monkey yelled, beating his son repeatedly with the banana.

Pepper showed no more signs of liking other boy monkeys until he was about nine-years-old. Mama and Papa Monkey got a call from the local monkey elementary school that Pepper had been trying to hold hands with the other boy monkeys. Mama and Papa Monkey exchanged glances, then Papa Monkey drove over to the school and beat his son with a banana.

"Don't you go touchin' on none more of 'em boy monkeys!" Papa Monkey shouted furiously. "Know yo place!"

Needless to say, Ppper didn't try to hold hands with other boy monkeys for a while after that, but it was obvious that his future was inevitable. He liked wearing pink, he listened to Abba, and he had a poster of James Dean hanging up in his room. When his parents asked him why this was, he claimed it was for "business reasons." He didn't play monkey football with his brother Tom and Craig, preferring to hang out with his sister Louise and talk about their favorite movies or clothes. But Papa Monkey did not have to beat Pepper with a banana again until he was a senior in monkey high school, when he came home with a boy monkey for prom.

Mama and Papa Monkey exchanged glances, then Papa Monkey took the both of them out back and beat them with a banana.

"Y'all's ain't no ladies!" he bellowed. "Y'all's is men!"

Pepper didn't get to go to the prom with the other boy monkey, whose name was Shawn, because both of them were too sore from the banana-beating. They did continue to "go out," though, although Papa Monkey was not aware of this.

It came as a shock, then, when a year after his graduation from monkey high school, Pepper came home with Shawn and announce that they had gotten married. Not surprisingly, Papa Monkey beat both of them with the banana for quite a while, then he found the monkey priest who had married them and beat him with the banana as well.

"You ain't no priest! You ain't no priest!" he hollered.

Pepper didn't see his father for a whole year after that, because he went to live with his new monkey partner, Shawn. Both of them were tired of getting beaten with bananas. Nonetheless, they returned to Pepper's house exactly one year after they had gotten married. They had recently adopted a baby monkey girl named Roseanne. They decided to give Papa Monkey one last chance.

When they rang the doorbell, Papa Monkey opened the door, saw the baby monkey they were holding, and raised his banana to beat it with. But then Pepper grabbed his arm and said, "Papa? Would you really beat a baby with a banana?"

Papa Monkey looked at his son, then at the banana, then at the baby. Then he realized the error of his ways and hugged the baby and his son and Shawn. And everyone was happy and lived happily ever after.

And it was then that I realized that the only reason I wrote this story was so that I could include the line, "Would you really beat a baby with a banana?"


Onto the bitching.

Thank you guys so much for all of your kind, supportive comments on the last post. Yes, I am considering ending this blog, and yes, it is because I have decided to join the circus. I am not FOR SURE going to stop writing on The Nerd Archives, but I'm definitely thinking about it.

I know a lot of you suggested I could just post a little less frequently, but I think that if I really wanted to get the book written, I would have to stop writing altogether--or at least take a significantly lengthy hiatus from The Nerd Archives.

But I don't know what to do. One thing I'm worried about is that if I stop writing on The Nerd Archives, I won't be funny ever again. I wasn't funny when I started this blog, so why should I be funny if I end it? I don't know what to do. But thanks to all of you guys for your advice. You'll be supporting me until the very end. You promise. What's that? You're the ones who are supposed to say that? Fuck that.

New single by Coldplay? FUCK YEAH. New single by Marina and the Diamonds? What the hell. She's not a popstar. Since when has she been a popstar? This song was a betrayal on many levels.

Movie Quote of the Day: "I haven't been fucked like that since grade school," Marla Singer, Fight Club

That Blond Guy

7 people secretly have a crush on me:

L. said...

"Would you really beat a baby with a banana?" Where does your brain go? It seems like a place of mischief and mayhem. Great quote though. Really. I want to be able to say that, in a legitimate conversation, at least once in my life.

I'm trying to write a book too, as illustrated by my failed second blog. I actually find blogging helps me, because I get out of my characters' lives and back into my own. It is grounding, in a way, I guess.

If you want to end your blog, do it! What's holding you back? Sure, all of us here at blogger would miss you something awful, but if we're holding you back, you should cut the ties and go live, man! Though, don't really cut all ties. That would be horribly sad - I would miss your biting cynicism and demented wit.

I also love your movie quote. Fight Club is up there in my favorite movies list. Tyler Durden. What a boss.

Love and kisses,

Anonymous said...

If you want to end your blog, end it. Obviously we'd miss you, but it's your life. We support whatever decision you make.

(Of course, you may be responsible for the drowning of many bloggers in our own tears...but hey, if you want that on your conscience...) (Kidding. Do whatever you want.)

Boyd said...

Possibly my favorite story of yours so far. I loved the Papa monkey's weird, backwoods sayings.

You mustn't give up blogging!! *SLAP* I've decided to take an authoritive, dominating stance on you leaving. Cause I'm terrifying like that, and Papa needs his funnies.

Eeshie said...


*Sniff* I'm so proud of you, Christopher!

Anonymous said...

...Eeshie? Try, "crazy Southern homophobe".

Eeshie said...


Anonymous said...

(Sorry, Eeshie. :D I just had to use that comeback.)