Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Afraid of Girls? Definitely Not. I Eat Girls For Breakfast. With Sauce.

But I didn't mean that in a creepy, Ted Bundy way. I am not at all a violent person. When I eat girls for breakfast, it's all entirely sexual, and I'm always very gentle.

Without further ado, here is a picture of a bunny rabbit.

How are you all today? I hope The Nerd Archives finds you well. Many of you have not been commenting as often as you should. Father Christopher is very disappointed. Oh so very disappointed. He is taking notes, and he can separate the faithful from the unfaithful. Father Christopher rewards those who are faithful to him, but he is not so forgiving of the unfaithful--the spineless traitors who infest his precious blog like diseased rats. Yes, Father Christopher is oh so disappointed.

I, personally, am very well, thank you for asking. I just ate eleven boxes of twinkies, six double-patty hamburgers from Wendy's, the chicken tender plate from the Kid's Menu at Carnegia Deli in New York, and downed a five-gallon container of Mountain Dew, but I'm still feeling a bit peckish. A bit peckish?! you might repeat with incredulity. Yes, I'm still feeling a bit peckish. The reason that I have eaten so much and am still feeling a bit peckish is because I am an ogre. Bet you're feeling kinda foolish now for making fun of me, huh?

I know some of you around this week are receiving acceptance letters from college. I didn't even have to apply to any colleges. They totally recruited me. Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Oxford, etc. were all competing furiously to admit me. I'm having trouble deciding, so each university has selected a champion to fight to the death in a caged-in boxing ring to decide who will get me. The match is this Thursday, so let's see how it turns out. They've also been bribing me a lot recently. Most notably, Harvard offered me a life-sized chocolate elephant, Princeton offered me ninety minutes alone with a heavily drugged Paris Hilton, and the University of Chicago sent me through UPS a $3,400,000 monkey which can talk, dance, and recite entire scenes from any movie ever directed by Harold Ramis.

Then again, there's one part of me that just wants to say, "FUCK IT ALL" and become a rockstar. That's also the part of me which insists I walk around the local mall wearing nothing but cowboy boots, a ten-gallon hat, and Aviator sunglasses; so I don't listen to that part of me very often.

Last weekend I went on a mindless iTunes spree, because I haven't bought music in over six months. My mind went blank for a while, and then when I woke up three hours later, I had bought five hundred and thirty seven songs, about a quarter of which were by Madonna or Lady Gaga. It's charged to my parents account and I'm supposed to give them the money in cash, so I'll just have to them the dollar's worth in shoelace tips and Pepsi Max can tabs.

I have a track meet tomorrow, and I'll be running the 200m, 400m, 2X100, and 2X400. All of these races will be particularly difficult for me considering I have no feet, but there's really no excuse for not trying your best, right?

I was making a move on a really smoking hot girl today, and I was totally rejected. I can't see where I went wrong, because I carried out all of the classic movies flawlessly. I offered her the rest of my half-eaten turkey sandwich and complimented her very respectfully on her bodacious melons. I even told her than whenever I think of her, I think of the song Do Ya Think I'm Sexy? by Rod Stewart. But I think it was when I started making out with her ear that she slapped me.

But yes, I have been struggling a lot with the ladies recently. Nothing I've been doing seems to work anymore. Even the oldest stuff in the book. Standing outside her bedroom window and watching her sleep? Tried it. Finding her cell phone number, calling her, and breathing heavily into the phone when she picks up? Tried it. Mailing her photographs of herself talking to her friends and eating breakfast with a cursive note attached reading "I'm watching you" in red ink? Tried it. Sitting naked on her living room couch with all of the lights turned off and a knife in your hand waiting for her to get home? Tried it. It's just that nothing works on girls anymore.

I know none of you want to read The Chin Scratcher because you think you're better than me or because, as it turns out, you're absolutely illiterate, but do me a favour and just read and comment on this ONE post I wrote recently. I'm taking a poll, and I want to hear as many responses to my question as I can. Thanks so much.

As a side note, I'd like to add that if your name is "Sam" and you're here against my wishes even though I was generous enough to link to you in the last post, then I'd like to let you know that you're not welcome here. So you and all of your sexually-confused Mormon friends can just go back to Vietnam and sit tightly until this blog rolls over and dies. Thank you.

Have you ever had a really, insanely good day where everything seems to go all right, and then you get home and think to yourself, "Maybe she called. Today has been perfect, so maybe she called. Surely she called." But she didn't. And part of you knows that she never will.

I hate those days.

That Blond Guy

36 people secretly have a crush on me:

Victoria said...

I was really not wanting to comment today, because you begged everyone to, and I don't like listening to orders. But I really liked this post... so I had to comment. I can never tell when you are being serious. Every paragraph starts out with a believable story but you add all the other stuff and by the end I don't know if even the basic parts were true! (You probably hear that all the time...) Did you get any acceptance letters yet?

Boyd said...

Hmmm...I understand your issue with all the colleges (literally) fighting over you. Up the ante, and make it a bikini mud-bog tournament!

Also, I see you referenced Pepsi Max. Are you a fellow addict??

Eeshie said...

Princeton, Princeton, Princeton, Princeton, Princeton, Princeton, Princeton, Princeton, Princeton!
*She said with a hungry look on her face* Princeton!!

Bodacious melons? No comment.

I like the bunny. Can I keep it?

So, since I totally agree with Victoria and never know when you're kidding or being serious, what DO you want to pursue a career in? Honestly, Christopher. What do you plan on doing in college?

Mischief Managed said...

Ooh, this Sam person sounds like quite the... provocative person. That didn't sound right. Huh.

And the bodacious melons thing was a bit icky, as well as that first paragraph- but we all live to accept each other's sick, twisted differences, I guess.

You're a strange boy, Christopher. And that's not entirely bad at all. :)

Kay said...

I see your problem with the girls... your subtlety, obviously. Girls don't want mixed signals, and you have to make it very clear that you want to be in their pants. Otherwise they will slip from your grasp and into oblivion, goddammit.

What am I even talking about

Lovely post, as usual. I always feel edified after reading your blog. In a way.

Hannah Marie said...

OH MAN this post made me so hungry :P
I love itunes sprees :D I went on one when I got back from spring break
hahahha aaah yur paragraphs about girls made me die laughing :D so good!
but then the ending of the post was sad :( and it made me sad :( oh well it was a good post! I thouroughly enjoyed it! :D

Lex said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Lex said...

You should write a book: The Life and Times of a Bullshitting Douchebag

hahahahahaha jk but no seriously. you crack me up :P

rose said...

i would take the monkey and go to chicago, but if this is a picture of your own bunny then perhaps not, as i've heard rabbits have been known to eat monkeys and that sounds like a bloodbath waiting to happen

Tegan said...

Oh, jesus Christopher. You crack me up. You're just so random.
Have fun with Paris Hilton! (use protection... I mean, you don't want Par-chris babies walking around do you? Or.. do you?)

agent 0017 said...

mmm a life sized chocolate elephant. awesome.

Mischief Managed said...

Oh by the way... promote me? C'monnnn, you said you wouldddd.

And I would like to note that the captcha I had to write in order to post this comment was "azoingsh". No reason, I just found it an interesting thing to try and pronounce. Maybe... ah-zoyn-sh? AZOINGSH. AZOINGSH. Ooh, when you say it over and over it sounds like a tribal chant. :3

Abby said...

You eat girls? That's some Jeffery Dahmer shit, yo.

I AM SO EXCITED THAT I GOT TO SAY THAT that I ignored my usual "won't comment if they ask for comments and get a lot of comments" rule because I just had to say it. I had to. Okay. I'll leave now. Funny post, but that's par for le course.

Anonymous said...

You are too blond to be a rock star. *oh no she didn't?!*

Lemons Don't Make Lemonade said...

"Nerd Archives" ---- lOVE the name! Also, I like Lady Gaga too. She rocks.

Francesca said...

You have a very interesting blog. Holy moly did you really eat all of that? x

Anonymous said...

Hello fellow blondite. I've never commented on this blog and I've barley looked at it but after a exceedingly spontaneous piece of un-earthly serrindippity I had to comment. (I presume the gods answered your plea and decided to transport the plea via the means of time travel and inception into the mind if Charles Dickens during his days spent writing 'Great expectations' And here goes.)

I was sitting in my Castle on the third floor in my pipe smoking room whilst reading Great Expectations in my reading chair and I suddenly had this urge that compelled me to read the first word of every chapter in a fibbernachi-logical (Like chronological for you dyslexic bloggers but instead of following the chrono 1,2,3,4.... Pattern it changes in the same rate as the fibbernatchi sequence) order. So I made haste and commenced and this is what it read:

The-Nerd-Archives-Blog (I know what some of you are thinking 'THIS CAN'T BE TRUE YOU PESTERLENTE SWINE!' but I'm English, would I lie to you?)

So here I am. Commenting.

Did you know that 70% of people with two first names on average have a reading age of 5 years bellow theirs? True story especially if on of their names is 'Marie'.

This is a truly awful blog ( I mean this in the true meaning of the word y'know 'to be filled with awe').

Just a little footnote on how to get that ever elusive girl. Try butchering her dog in a sacrifice for your love. Or are dogs not that common in America? In England you have to have a dog otherwise you can't have pillows made of swann down.

If you with to reply; write to the queen and ask for her to forward the message to 'Her Main Man' and then ask him to give it to his bitch. If this fails you could just leave a Tegan some toast and reply on the toast like a creepy waiter at soup evening desperatly trying to publicise his bread based screenplay.

Yours truly,

That Blond Guy said...

Victoria: I'm glad you did comment--you made my day. I can't tell what parts of what I write are true or not either. BTW, no, I haven't been getting acceptance letters from college. I'm 27.

Boyd: Best. Idea. Ever. Thank you, my friend. I don't know about the Ivy League schools, but I'm sure there are several decent party schools that would be more than happy to comply.

I've never had Pepsi Max, but I've always preferred Pepsi to Coke, even though I live in Atlanta.

Eeshie: What about it?

No, I'm sorry, but you can't keep the bunny. It has a very fragile immune system and requires 24-hour supervision under experienced veternarians.

What do I want to pursue a career in? Isn't it obvious?

Olivia: I would agree, but I don't know what provocative means. Care for more tea?

Please excuse me. My body is experiencing changes and whenever I'm around a pretty girl, I get all nervous and warm. I also have a very twisted sense of humour. And thanks--I'll take that as a compliment.

Sure, I'll promote you. But maybe we could work out a you-scratch-my-back-I'll-scratch-yours kind of deal as well. Hm?

Kay: You are so right! I'll try your advice right away.


Hannah Marie: It made you hungry? Hm, that's peculiar. I think that's a good thing, right?

I hope it didn't hurt when you died laughing. Was it like going home, or was it agony?

The last paragraph made me sad as well. But I just had to ruin the post by including it--I was in a rotten mood.

Lex: No, I've already mentioned this on The Nerd Archives! If I ever write a book, it's going to be called . Which is really much more interesting and also family-friendly.

Rose: Only the rabbit from Monty Python and the Holy Grail, I think. BTW, I love your name. Is it your real name?

Tegan: "Jesus Christopher." That's what my friends call me. I'm just that impressive.

Too late. I'm pregnant and it's hers.

Agent0017: "Would be" awesome? As if I made it up?

Abby: Yay! Serial killer references! Fun to make, fun to eat!


Lemons Don't Make Lemonade: Sorry, but I hate Lady Gaga. I hate her guts.

Francesca: What? The part about eating girls for breakfast with sauce? Are you frightened of me?

Mike: Wow, that comment was like an avid fan of role-playing card games who has just discovered that if you take 35 tabs of acid while continually drinking pink lemonade directly from the pitcher, you can almost make it through all of the Lord of the Rings movies consecutively without falling asleep. Except it's British, SO IT'S AWESOME!!!

So are you Tegan's boyfriend? From what I read from her blog, you're a pretty decent guy. Hey, if you're ever in a jam or on the run from the law, you can always crash with me. I got soda, I got ice cream, I got video games, I got flatscreen TV, I got Trident gum, I got everything, man. I have an awright pad.

I think an even more effective method of getting that ever elusive girl would be to butcher HER rather than her dog. That way, she can't run away from me when I try to make my move on her, and I don't have to worry about pregnancy or her talking back.

Adrienne said...

Awwwww, you had me at "afraid". Also I think you're still a virgin. *high five?*

Niyati Gandhi said...

Champion of Sarcasm.

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