When Life Gives You Lemons, Draw Little Faces on Them and March Them Around the Room Chanting "GET READY FOR THE LEMON SHOWDOWN!!!!"

If I had the option to punch anyone from all of history right in the face, it would be whatever airheaded, extroverted attention-grabber who invented the speaker phone. Definitely the most ridiculous thing invented since the electric lotion-warmer. It is so awkward and difficult for me. You never know how many people you're talking to, who all is there, and what their reactions are to what you're saying. Everyone is talking at once. Usually I freak out, hang up on them, and then stumble to the corner of my room, where I sit and rock back and forth for about an hour until I can calm down.

Yesterday my friend called me using speaker phone. We talked normally for a minute or so until I heard bursts of laughter in the background. I asked who was there and he said, "Oh, did I forget to mention? My brother, mom, dad, and a couple of my friends are here too. We were actually hoping you didn't pick up. We wanted to hear your voice mail message in French." (It used to be in Spanish, but too many people I know speak Spanish and are quite aware that my Spanish is not that good. French is much better, especially for when I finish the voice mail message with the words "Why don't you go impregnate a pigeon and leave me alone? Thanks again!")

But yes, I think I've developed a complex from all of the bad experiences I've ever had with speaker phone. It's like Ivan Pavlov's experiment with the boy and the furry animals where Pavlov rang a loud, jarring bell every time the boy encountered a furry animal, and so the boy developed an unconscious fear of furry animals. Every time someone mentions speaker phone, I get all hot and sweaty and keep throwing nervous glances over my shoulder.

Remember that haunted house I mentioned a few posts ago that was just in the middle of the woods? Well, guess what. I went there with a friend yesterday. Before, my brother and I had just gone as far as the shed in front of the house and peeked in the shed, which had its windows broken out. Inside the shed there were a load of old, empty liquor bottles and a rusted, run-down refrigerator.

Yesterday we went closer to the house, and we saw the windows were boarded up and the car parked to the right of the house had no wheels and the roof was bent in. The house was surrounded by an old barb wire fence with a "No Trespassing" sign on it. We spotted yet another shed on the other side of the house and started walking over to it.

Surrounding the shed were about a dozen piles of torn-up, fresh white bread--evenly spaced from one another. If that's not weird enough, we looked inside the shed, which was more like a giant lean-to, and it was filled with about twenty bales of hay, a dozen gallon-jugs of water, and an empty bathtub. We were pretty freaked out, and ran away squealing--screaming things about pedophiles and giant chicken monsters.

We also saw the movie Red Riding Hood in theaters. It was okay, but not that great. I heard it was directed by the same person who did Twilight. I wouldn't be surprised if it was. Everyone in the town was extremely attractive and mysterious. All of the guys in the movie had sparkles on their cheeks and slick hairstyles. I even found the grandmother kind of attractive. This was a European village in the 1600's--the people should be deformed from years of inbreeding, not suave and attractive.

Without realising it, I broke my fast for Lent and ate both a giant Wild Cherry icy and an ice cream from Coldstone's. I haven't eaten since as penitance, but any minute now instinct might take over--my mind will go blank for a moment, and when I wake up, I'll have eaten most of my couch.

Thank you guys so much for not hating me for my last post. As I explained in the comments, I realized that it was rather too mean and attacking and immediately felt guilty. But I couldn't delete it, because I thought it was a decent post. Sorry.

This past month has been a period of time for me to re-discover the Beatles, who I've actually neglected for the past few months. I think I've now officially listened to every song they've ever recorded. My favourites this week include She's Leaving Home, Fixing a Hole, Norwegian Wood, While My Guitar Gently Weeps, and Bad Romance.

Today's the last day of Spring Break.

I just can't do this.

Cheers,
That Blond Guy