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Saturday, March 12, 2011

When Life Gives You Lemons, Draw Little Faces on Them and March Them Around the Room Chanting "GET READY FOR THE LEMON SHOWDOWN!!!!"

If I had the option to punch anyone from all of history right in the face, it would be whatever airheaded, extroverted attention-grabber who invented the speaker phone. Definitely the most ridiculous thing invented since the electric lotion-warmer. It is so awkward and difficult for me. You never know how many people you're talking to, who all is there, and what their reactions are to what you're saying. Everyone is talking at once. Usually I freak out, hang up on them, and then stumble to the corner of my room, where I sit and rock back and forth for about an hour until I can calm down.

Yesterday my friend called me using speaker phone. We talked normally for a minute or so until I heard bursts of laughter in the background. I asked who was there and he said, "Oh, did I forget to mention? My brother, mom, dad, and a couple of my friends are here too. We were actually hoping you didn't pick up. We wanted to hear your voice mail message in French." (It used to be in Spanish, but too many people I know speak Spanish and are quite aware that my Spanish is not that good. French is much better, especially for when I finish the voice mail message with the words "Why don't you go impregnate a pigeon and leave me alone? Thanks again!")

But yes, I think I've developed a complex from all of the bad experiences I've ever had with speaker phone. It's like Ivan Pavlov's experiment with the boy and the furry animals where Pavlov rang a loud, jarring bell every time the boy encountered a furry animal, and so the boy developed an unconscious fear of furry animals. Every time someone mentions speaker phone, I get all hot and sweaty and keep throwing nervous glances over my shoulder.

Remember that haunted house I mentioned a few posts ago that was just in the middle of the woods? Well, guess what. I went there with a friend yesterday. Before, my brother and I had just gone as far as the shed in front of the house and peeked in the shed, which had its windows broken out. Inside the shed there were a load of old, empty liquor bottles and a rusted, run-down refrigerator.

Yesterday we went closer to the house, and we saw the windows were boarded up and the car parked to the right of the house had no wheels and the roof was bent in. The house was surrounded by an old barb wire fence with a "No Trespassing" sign on it. We spotted yet another shed on the other side of the house and started walking over to it.

Surrounding the shed were about a dozen piles of torn-up, fresh white bread--evenly spaced from one another. If that's not weird enough, we looked inside the shed, which was more like a giant lean-to, and it was filled with about twenty bales of hay, a dozen gallon-jugs of water, and an empty bathtub. We were pretty freaked out, and ran away squealing--screaming things about pedophiles and giant chicken monsters.

We also saw the movie Red Riding Hood in theaters. It was okay, but not that great. I heard it was directed by the same person who did Twilight. I wouldn't be surprised if it was. Everyone in the town was extremely attractive and mysterious. All of the guys in the movie had sparkles on their cheeks and slick hairstyles. I even found the grandmother kind of attractive. This was a European village in the 1600's--the people should be deformed from years of inbreeding, not suave and attractive.

Without realising it, I broke my fast for Lent and ate both a giant Wild Cherry icy and an ice cream from Coldstone's. I haven't eaten since as penitance, but any minute now instinct might take over--my mind will go blank for a moment, and when I wake up, I'll have eaten most of my couch.

Thank you guys so much for not hating me for my last post. As I explained in the comments, I realized that it was rather too mean and attacking and immediately felt guilty. But I couldn't delete it, because I thought it was a decent post. Sorry.

This past month has been a period of time for me to re-discover the Beatles, who I've actually neglected for the past few months. I think I've now officially listened to every song they've ever recorded. My favourites this week include She's Leaving Home, Fixing a Hole, Norwegian Wood, While My Guitar Gently Weeps, and Bad Romance.

Today's the last day of Spring Break.

I just can't do this.

Cheers,
That Blond Guy

13 people secretly have a crush on me:

Ananya said...

I find every part of talking over the phone rather scary.
The awkward long pauses, interrupting each other while you try to get your point across and you never knows when to hang up.

And that scary house incident is quite spooky! :/

BTW, The Beatles is my all time favourite band! :D

Hannah Marie said...

The outside part of my phone broke and I can only speak on speakerphone! It's the worst :(
Yeah I saw the advertisements for Red Riding Hood and it looked juuuust like Twilight. I'm not quite sure if I'd be willing to watch it :P

Boyd said...

I'm somewhat envious that you were able to go explore a local haunted house, because that sounds pretty cool-freaky! Pedophile fears notwithstanding, of course.

Talking on the phone in general kind of stinks; there's an obligation to continue talking, long after it has ceased to be enjoyable to either party. Also, when the other person starts talking to someone on the other end, I tend to get confused and reveal top-secret information in response to what they're saying to the other person.

Abby said...

Being the stereotypical teenager my parents think I am, I hate talking on the phone. Everything about it. Texting is so much less social.

Rein said...

I always turn my phone to silent mode when I'm on the bus, in case someone somewhere thinks my ringtone is 'too girly', for lack of a better phrase.
I also don't like it when someone talks loudly on their phone on a bus. It's like they don't realise that HELLO, OTHER PEOPLE CAN HEAR YOU.
Anyway, that's just me.

That Blond Guy said...

Anaya: I KNOW, RIGHT?! It freaks me out. But concerning the Beatles, right on.

Hannah Marie: I think that's the kind of thing that would only happen in my very most twisted, worse nightmares.

I was definitely disappointed with Red Riding Hood. I thought it was a HORROR MOVIE!

Boyd: It was definitely very cool, even though none of it really happened--we just used our imaginations.

I definitely agree. It's one of my least favourite things in the world besides black people.

Abby: WHY WON'T EVERYONE JUST GO AWAY?! I prefer not to talk on the phone very often. You don't need to talk on the phone when it's an oversized, stuffed Winnie the Pooh doll you're talking to.

Rein: Don't be ashamed of your ringtone, my friend! I have observed a number of references targeted specifically for a male audience in Lady Gaga's "Pokerface."

What happened to your name?

Rein said...

No idea really, just felt like changing it for some reason. Hope I don't do it too often, kinda breaks the continuity...
I've used this current one recently for aliases for online games and stuff.

Adrienne said...

I have no idea what you just posted but I felt obliged to write a semi-lengthy comment thus leaving the impression of actually reading it. Wait. What? *grins*

Lane said...

Oh gosh I hate speaker phones their so awkward...especially when your stuck having to listen to your friend talk to her fiancee over speaker phone and their just talking about each others butts and making fun of you as you try to ignore the situation...anyway...
What a strange haunted house...and I heard that red riding hood was disappointing but I haven't seen it yet. Also, I noticed your now a follower of my blog and commenter as well haha well I'm glad to have you sir and I promise I won't try and take your money like I do with my other followers.

Bookish.Spazz said...

I hate talking on the phone. My voice is not nearly manly enough to match my robust personality... that is, I wish I had one of those seductive scratchy voices like Kat Dennings from Nick and Nora's Infinite Playlist...

But I digress... I'm glad I didn't waste any money on Red Riding Hood. It looked really dumb. As did Beastly. I hate pretty people.

rose said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Eeshie said...

Urg...I'm jealous of your haunted house experience. You MUST go back there again, even if to only tell us the rest of the story. WE WANNA KNOW WHAT HAPPENS.

Just saying. Maybe cause we want to know what happens, we'll be willing to check your blog every few seconds...

Bye!

Lexa Be said...

That just made me laugh, and smile because I'm not the only one who has a french voicemail haha. Then again, I should think of something random and entertaining like telling them to impregnate a pigeon.... but I'm too lazy.

By the way, your blog is now officially one of my tabs on my bookmarks bar. It's just too funny not to look at every so often.

I need to catch up on your posts though since I was gone debating for a few days, and slept the other two days haha.

- Lexa Be