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Saturday, March 5, 2011

Part 1 out of 312 of the Dialogue with an Imaginary Winged Girl Named Philemon

-Hello, Philemon.

-Oh, hello, Christopher! You gave me quite a fright. I almost didn't see you there.

-I expected as much. Nobody ever notices me.

-Oh, pish posh! I notice you, Christopher. You're my best friend. You just caught me off guard is all.

-Am I really your best friend, Philemon?

-Why, of course!

-That is kind of you to say. Are you busy? Would you like to talk? I've been feeling lonely, Philemon. I want to talk to you. I like talking to you. I like our talks. Do you like our talks, Philemon? Tell me you do.

-Yes, I do.

-That is kind of you to say. Oh, how I do like talking to you. The other children cannot see you, Philemon, but I do like talking to you. Why can the other children not see you? And Aunt and Uncle cannot see you either. Why is that so?

-Perhaps they are not so intelligent as you, Christopher.

-That is so very kind of you to say, Philemon. What would you like to talk about?

-Oh, anything, really.

-You cannot just say, "Oh, anything" like that. You know how it aggravates me when you do. How it aggravates me. When I ask you a question, I expect you to provide a helpful answer. That's why I asked the question, Philemon. That's why I asked the question. That's why I asked the question, Philemon. That's why...I...asked...question...

-I-I'm quite sorry, Christopher! I didn't mean anything by it! I have an idea: cats! Let's talk about cats!

-No, Philemon, I do not want to talk about cats. I want you to tell me what it's like to fly. Tell me like you usually do.

-It's the most wondrous feeling in the world. To feel the wind stroke your face and run its cool fingers through your feathers. To gaze at the world below you as the sunlight warms your back. It's so freeing--

-NO, STOP. STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP.

-What's wrong, Christopher? What have I done?

-YOU FORGOT THE PART ABOUT HOW THE AIR TASTES. YOU FORGOT TO TELL ME HOW THE AIR TASTES. I TOLD YOU TO TELL ME LIKE YOU USUALLY DO, AND YOU FORGOT TO TELL ME ABOUT HOW THE AIR TASTES. YOU'RE RUINING EVERYTHING. EVERYTHING IS RUINED. HOW DOES THE AIR TASTE, PHILEMON? TELL ME QUICKLY.

-It t-t-tastes like honey! It tastes like honey!

-Oh, does it really? That sounds magnificent. I really should like to fly some time.

-Yes, Christopher. You ought to.

-I think I must have your wings, Philemon.

-Wh-what?

-I believe you heard me, Philemon. I should like to have your wings. I should like to fetch a long knife from the kitchen, hack them off, and bind your wings to my arms with rope. And then I shall fly away to a magic land where no one will ever bother me and you and me can be together forever.

-But...but...I can't...well, if you have my wings, Christopher, how shall I get to the magic land?

-Hm. That is a very good point, Philemon. You always do make such very good points. I think perhaps I will not use your wings, but instead find a sorcerer to put a spell on me so I can fly. Yes, I think this is what I will do.

-Ooh, that is such a very good idea, Christopher! Such a very, very good idea. I think that is what you should do.

-Do you think so? I think so as well.

-Yes, Christopher! Such a very good idea.

-Philemon, I no longer wish to talk about flying. I wish to talk about something else instead. What should we talk about, Philemon?

-I, uh, well, would you care for me to tell my stories about pirates and mermaids?

-NO, PHILEMON. I DO NOT WANT TO TALK ABOUT PIRATES AND MERMAIDS. I DO NOT LIKE PIRATES OR MERMAIDS. DO YOU UNDERSTAND THIS, PHILEMON? I DO NOT LIKE PIRATES OR MERMAIDS.

-I'm sorry! We don't have to talk about pirates or mermaids...I'm sorry...please...

-You have adopted such a disrespectful tone, Philemon. I think it best that you start calling me "sir." Yes, that is what you shall do. You will start calling me "sir" from now on. That is what you will do.

-Yes, sir. Yes, sir. I'm sorry, sir. Yes, sir.

-Stop crying, Philemon. Stop crying this instant. Stop crying or I shall strike you. Stop crying, Philemon, or I shall strike you. Why are you crying? Stop it this instant.

-Yes, sir. I'm sorry, sir. So sorry. Please do not hurt me, sir.

-As I was saying, Philemon, I really cannot wait until we fly away to the magic land together. We will have such a splendid time. We really shall. I grow so tired of Aunt and Uncle, Philemon. I get tired of Sister as well. I do not like them. They do not pay attention to me like you do, Philemon. You are so good to pay attention to me. But they do not. I think I will have to kill them.

-Wh-what, sir?

-I think that is what I will do. I think I will kill them all one by one. Slowly.

-Sir, please...

-An axe. I think I will use an axe. Yes, I think that is what I will use to kill them. I think an axe is what I will use. I think I will first kill Sister with the axe. Then I think I will kill Aunt and then Uncle last. I think that is what I will do.

-Sir...

-I think I will kill the bullies at school also. Yes, I think I will kill them. How they torment me, Philemon, because I look differently and because I do not talk so much as the other children. They are not good children, so I think I will have to kill them. I will kill Teacher too. She looks at me like she thinks I am insane, Philemon. I am not insane. Why does she look at me like that? Why do people look at me like I am insane? I am not insane, Philemon.

-Oh, sir...sir...

-You are crying again. I told you not to cry, Philemon. I told you not to cry or I would strike you. I shall have to strike you.

-Please! No!

-I have to, Philemon. I will strike you know. Now I will strike you.

...

-Philemon?

...

-You are not moving, Philemon. I think it is because I have struck you too hard. I also struck you many times. At first I thought I would only strike you once, but then I struck you and I could not stop. I think I will continue talking to you.

...

-You are such a very good friend to me, Philemon. I do appreciate you so much for it. Am I really your best friend, Philemon?

...

-I would also like to tell all of my readers to vote on my new poll, Philemon. It can be found on the right sidebar. It is a poll about languages, Philemon. It is a poll about languages. Speaking of languages, I am learning to speak French from Teacher. It is a shame that I have to kill her then, because I do like learning French.

...

-I should also like to wish a pleasant Spring Break to all others who are on Spring Break. And I should also like to invite everyone to have tea with me some time during the Spring Break. Yes, I think that is what I will do.

...

-I have to go now, Philemon. Thank you for being such a good friend. You really are such a good friend.



Cheers,
That Blond Guy

19 people secretly have a crush on me:

Boyd said...

...Philemon's someone chained up in your basement, isn't she?

A merry Spring Break to you as well!

Jillian said...

You two seem to have such a.... functional relationship.

I thought Philemon was a guys name.
Perhaps I am wrong.

I wasn't aware that the air tasted like honey.
I suppose that is why dogs stick their head out of windows.

I voted English, Spanish, German, and French.

My English is a little rusty though :P

Mischief Managed said...

...sweet, sweet Philemon. She was a good friend.

And on your poll- the one about the languages? I speak English, but I think the captcha I have to type below before I post the comment is trying to tell me something. It says Welsh.

It's a message from the gods.

Shenge said...

I have to say... Philemon had that beatdown coming. I have never seen such disrespect before. It was good of you to set her straight.

I'm going to hell, aren't I?

Mandy Thomas said...

Oh wow... That was interesting. I wonder what inspired you to write this

Hamza Bin Ladin said...

ah,this was prettty cool.

Nice blog and u have new follower..:)

Regards,


http://hamza-the-philosophaster.blogspot.com/

Furree Katt said...

i find this really creepy. but awesome, as always. creepy-awesome! Philemon is a nice name. though it reminded my of Pokemon :O

i voted Hindi and English on the poll. since i can speak both. i can also speak in Urdu, but that wasn't on the list. :( but Urdu and Hindi are the same thing, so i suppose it doesn't matter.

Bookish.Spazz said...

Hmmm...

Yeah...

Er...

Happy Spring Break to you!

Abby said...

You didn't have Latin in your poll. As a Latin-speaking minority, I feel slighted. RACISM.
Though I can't actually speak Latin. I can translate it kind of. It counts.

Kay said...

Exhibit A: recess with a schizophrenic!

...I don't really like pirates nor mermaids, either.

Eeshie said...

Poor Philemon. This was so creepy...

Happy Spring Break!

Smokey_Cat said...

I thought for a second that Philemon was a guy too! ( Until I re-read the caption about 'him' being a 'girl'

Good Stuff. Creepy Indeed. It reminded me of this short story I read by Stephen King.

a book of short stories said...

What a great mind you have.

ellie's desk said...

We need more talks shared like these.

That Blond Guy said...

Boyd: Christopher does not need to chain Philemon up in the basement, for she likes Christopher very much. She would stay with Christopher even if she was not chained up in the basement. She likes Christopher very much. Oh yes...

Jillian: Well, the air only tastes like honey under certain conditions. For instance, while you're eating honey.

Thank you for voting on my poll. But do you really speak all of those languages? No te creo.

Olivia: She really was such a very good friend. Such a very, very good friend.

Yr wyf yn siarad Cymraeg yn rhugl.

Shenge: You are going to hell. I had a talk with God, and...things aren't looking great for you. Say ten Our Fathers and seven Hail Marys and you should be back on track, though.

Mandy Thomas: A psychological thriller movie fest I had on Saturday, Stephen King novels, and a lot of LSD.

Hamza: Um, thanks. I'll check out the blog. That's what all you people want, isn't it?

Furree Katt: Creepy awesome. That can be interpreted as a good thing, right? That's cool that you speak those languages. I used to know how to say "water" in Urdu, but I've forgotten.

Bookish.Spazz: Something wrong?

Abby: This is something I don't understand. All of my friends who are taking Latin are constantly trying to explain to me the reason why you can write Latin but not speak it. If you can write it, HOW CAN'T YOU SPEAK IT?!

Kay: I'm not schizophrenic. I have a vivid imagination. And my imagination is telling me to kill you.

Smokey_Cat: Thanks. Ooh, what's the short story? Quiero leerlo.

a book of short stories: I know. I'm a victim of my own genius.

ellie's desk: Thank you. But who does "we" refer to? Are you single? Do you want my number?

ellie's desk said...

Thanks for the notes. I never get any notes.

Stay perfectly you.

Eeshie said...

GEE THANKS. You've successfully managed to respond to everyone's comment EXCEPT mine.

Shame, shame. Don't talk to me Christopher! I am shunning you!

That Blond Guy said...

ellie's desk: I will. I promise. And your welcome.

Eeshie: I swear to the Virgin Mary, that was not intentional. I feel awful. Forgive me?

Kassandrah said...

why did you ask me if i like him?