Tuesday, March 8, 2011

You Hate Me, You All Hate Me--I Know You Do

Bloggers really are like parasites. They're like computer viruses. Rats, diseases, vampires, anything you can think of that latches onto another source of life, feeds on it, and then leaves it drifting between consciousness and unconsciousness as it wheezes and coughs, bleeding on the floor.

Authors of blogs have good intentions--or understandable ones at the very least. A great majority of them are girls between the age of 13 and 17 who say they have a passion for writing, when in reality they only have a passion for saying they have a passion for writing. On their profile you will find their list of interests, which will include the following items: "fashion," "reading my Bible," and "Facebook." Most of these girls have seen the movie Julie and Julia and are under the impression that they are the next Julie Powell. None of them are, of course. They will grow up to become schoolteachers, stay-at-home moms, and orthodontist's assistants, and altogether uninteresting people. Some will still write in a journal every few weeks or so, but their diary entries will open with the same sentence every time: "Can't believe it's been so long since I've written. Anyway...James just got home from soccer practice and I have to drive Ashley to ballet in less than an hour, so this will have to be a short entry..."

A category of bloggers exists that is nearly identical to the aforementioned one, but can be distinguished by the fact that all of their posts are "motivational." On the blogspots of these female teenage writers you'll find dozens of posts with around three or four motivational pictures with little motivational sayings on them such as this one, which the blogger spent a grand total of fourteen seconds searching for on Google:

They'll then post a short poem typically seven lines or so in length, usually just one stanza, about either family troubles, a boy, or nature. It will often go something like this:

Why did you have to leave me
That one night under the moonlight
I'm sorry for the things I said
You know I need you and can't live without you
Come back to me and let's just
Live together forever under the stars

The poem always seems to be referring to a certain "you." I always want to shout to these bloggers, WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO?! I have never taken a walk with you on a beach at sunset. I have never wiped the tears from your eyes on the day your cat died. I have never taken you to your favourite coffee shop and then broken up with you. My name is Christopher. Christopher. I don't even know who you are. Why am I here? I'm hungry.

There are infinite more categories of bloggers. In addition to the teenage girls who think they are artistic geniuses, there are the iron-willed autism moms and cancer moms, movie-review bloggers who post about three times and then stop writing entirely, the political junkies who somehow never seem to get tired of arguing, the supposed family blogs which really only the mother writes on, the anorexic or self-mutilating teenage girls who are desperately seeking attention and support from total strangers, and then there's also a category of men anywhere from their late teens to early fifties who are somehow under the impression that they are hilarious. They often write very long posts with absolutely no pictures or links to good songs, and their sense of humour is so dry that you'll chap your lips trying to swallow it.

FOLLOWERS. What a strange thing this has become. Why do I bristle with pride every time I see that another blood-sucking blogger has just made the decision to "follow" my blog? And why do I feel especially delighted when that same faceless blogger posts a comment like,

"hey cool blog you got here. follow me?"

They all want the same thing. For you to open your mouth wide enough so that they can stick their arm down it and fish around for a while until they find what they need. They follow your blog knowing that you will follow them back--that much is obvious. But they will not stop there. They will track down every person who has ever commented on your blog and do the exact same to them. Soon they're running a blogger monoply, with connections everywhere and hundreds of followers at their mercy for them to feast on.

And commenting--that's another thing. If I was Holden Caulfield, I'd say it was phony. Since I'm not Holden Caulfield, I'll still say it's phony, because that's a word I like to use--mostly because I think it'd be cool to be Holden Caulfield.

How many of you, show of hands, actually read the posts you comment on? A great many of you probably don't. You skim them. Skim skim skim skim skim skim skim SKIM!!! Even right now you're skimming this post. If there are any of you who I didn't offend with this controversial blogger bloggy blog post, what are your comments going to be like?

"i agreeeeee about bloggers being parasites. who's holden caulfield? lol. follow me?"

I'm remembering that stunningly steamy scene from Almost Famous where William is in a hotel room full of beautiful, bored, and totally stoned girls looking for a good time. They march into the bathroom, chanting that they're planning to "deflower" William. They drag him out and toss him onto the bed, tug off his clothes, and dance around him, pulling off their shirts and skirts as they chant.

Then the next morning they wake up to the phone call from Rolling Stone magazine, and the dialogue goes something like this,

Stoned and half-naked girl #1: "Just think. In any other city in the world, you would still be a virgin."

Stoned and half-naked girl #2: "Coffee. I think I want some coffee."

Stoned and half-naked girl #3: "Yeah, coffee. William, would you get the coffee? And on your way down, would you get the laundry?"

William: "The laundry? You want me to get the laundry?! What am I to you? Answer me now. WHAT AM I TO YOU?"

The next scene flashes to him in the hall with the laundry bag over his shoulder.

But that's what I feel like I should be asking now. What am I to you people? If I stop commenting on your blogs, would you all desert me?

Hm...what was I going to say next? Something about bloggers being parasites or something. Have I said that already? I don't know. Bloggers are vampires and parasites--hear me? They are. It's true.

I'm sleepy.

I would wish all of you a Happy Ash Wednesday, but I guess it's not really a very happy occasion, is it? I have the ashen cross on my forehead. During the service, when the priest put the ashes on my forehead and said, "From dust you came, to dust you shall return," I started crying, because I don't want to turn into dust.

That Blond Guy

17 people secretly have a crush on me:

Jillian said...

This was rather crushing to read.
A moment of truth.
Like when my 15 year old brother reads my blog and tells me how full of shit I really am.

Yeah, I know. I'm not cool.
I never started a blog for the followers.
I really did like writing, or at least I convinced myself I did.

And by the way, I don't skim.

I love ya, even though you just called everyone here a vampire and parasite.

Lane said...

Amen to that haha
I work to hard just trying to get people to follower me and leave me little comments but see what I really want is their money, weither it's for web design or a sponsor spot, that's what I'm looking for ha. And you don't comment or follow me but I still follow you don't I sir? Yes. Yes I do. And no I'm not looking to take your money, Im not. I'm here to get a laugh at midnight when I can't sleep usually...

Victoria said...

HAHAHAHA that was hilarious. I really hope i'm not one of those mentioned types of teenagers.. i don't feel like I am... :S i definitely don't LOVE writing or think i'm very good at it. and i read the whole thing. not just skimmed it. i promise.

Smokey_Cat said...

Truer words were never spoken! ( or rather, written) on a blog.

I agree with every word of it. But I like to read good blogs (the ones which poems in them are one ones I skip) and usually write something like: [oh nice * random smiley face]

Btw the way, nice blog!

follow me? ;)

Shenge said...

I really like this post, it's different to pretty much every blog post I've read in a long while. Woke me up. My favourite part was:
"...and then there's also a category of men anywhere from their late teens to early fifties who are somehow under the impression that they are hilarious. They often write very long posts with absolutely no pictures or links to good songs..."
I had a sinking feeling you were talking about people like me til I read the 'no links to good songs' part :P... *wink wink nudge nudge*

But seriously, I myself am not a skim reader, if a post catches my attention (like yours very much did) I'll read it in its entirety and post a response.
That's what keeps me blogging, personally; peoples responses to what I've written. I like seeing how people react to my thoughts and opinions. Makes my blogging day.

Furree Katt said...

i never skim posts on blogs which i follow. :O i don't like it when people don't read posts, and just comment asking for a visit/follow back.
i don't put motivational pictures/emo poems on my blog, so yay me! neither am i a 50+ year old man. and my interest in writing is something i don't show off about. what i don't like is when people say they want to write a novel/be a journalist and their blog is filled with... terrible writing. and tons of mistakes.

Hannah Marie said...

Hmmm...I believe I believe in the category of "you" speakers :P hahaha that pretty much sums up every post I write. I mostly write because I enjoy it. I don't think I'm special, or talented or anything, I just enjoy having a place to be truthful where I can say (almost) anything, because I can't say most of these to my friends or I would be the biggest gossiper in the school. So mostly for me my blogging is an emotional need.

P.S. I'm liking the catcher in the rye reference :)

Eeshie said...

WOW. I can't even believe how true this is.

And you left out blogs that are only about stamp-collecting. GAH! I hate those blogs so much.

My theory: I think you wrote this post as an experiment. You wanted to write some nasty, but true, things about a lot of us, and you wanted to see if we would admit to it or decline the notion.

Also, you wanted to see if we'd write you angry comments. Which we didn't, of course. 80 freaking followers is not a joke. ;)

So am I right, or am I right?

(P.S. I don't believe in skimming.)

Bookish.Spazz said...

I don't like asking people to follow me because I hate sounding needy/desperate.

As for your blog, I don't skim it because I'm always afraid I might miss some funny comment.

As for your scathing review... I'm sorry that you're jaded, but I guess it can't be helped...?

That Blond Guy said...

I have such amazing followers--even when it's that time of month again and I get a little moody and emotional--you guys are still so nice to me. Thank you.

Jillian: Don't take it too seriously. I didn't mean most of it, and I would have deleted it immediately, except I looked at it and thought, hey, this is a decent bit of writing! So I decided against it. Sorry.

Love you too. Just remember you're one of my favourite bloggers in the world.

Lane: Thank you. And I realised with horror that I indeed was not following your blog. Whether or not following and commenting is phony, I commenced in following immediately! Thanks for being such a great reader.

Victoria: No no no no. YOU'RE hilarious. Are you single? No, but seriously, thank you for saying I'm hilarious. I have a weak self-esteem. I don't know if you're one of those writers. I don't think so, but only you can really tell.

Smokey_Cat: I love the ending to your comment. I was praying to God that someone would write that. Thanks!

Shenge: "Woke me up." That's what I was looking for. Or, if I wrote that while I was in my right mind, I imagine that is what I would be looking for. And no, that wasn't addressed to you. I was actually talking about myself, if no one caught that.

This was a very reflective and insightful comment. Thank you.

Furree Katt: I know that BECAUSE YOU'RE MY FAVOURITE PERSON IN THE WORLD!!! You would never leave me, would you? I love your blog.

Hannah Marie: First of all I would just like to say that this wretched post was targeted at no one in particular. I was absolutely dizzy from having eaten all of the love poems I've ever written in a fit of depression.

If you love writing, then that's all that matters--nothing else does. But for the record, I think you're a great writer.

Eeshie: I have yet to find those blogs. If you have any links, you give me those links. I've hit a dry spot stamp-wise.

I would like to emphasize once again that these were written to no one in particular. I've been absorbing blog material for the past three years of my life. A good deal of this post was influenced by my Brazilian-blogs phase. Which was not a pretty phase. Not a pretty phase at all.

I wrote this post because I was in fit of rage at having found out that Clint Eastwood is a Republican. No other reason whatsoever.

Bookish.Spazz: Thank you! I don't know what jaded means!!! Does it have something to do with jade? Like the shiny rock? I think shiny rocks are pretty.

Adrienne said...

I have a few comments that I like to rotate while skimming through people's posts.

1. It's funny 'cos it's true.

2. It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

3. Obviously the only rational solution to your problem is suicide.

4. The angle of the dangle is inversely proportional to the heat of the meat.

5. Dead people are cool.

6. Just because you're not paranoid doesn't mean they aren't out to get you.

7. You are a fluke of the universe... You have no right to be here. Whether you can hear it or not, the universe is laughing behind your back.

8. Your blog looks as if it has been left in the custody of trolls.

9. The crybabies mental anguish is about as significant as an pine weasel fart in a forest with noone to hear it.

0r my personal favorite:

10. Your blog is so cute. I'm following you. ( Follow me? )

Well I was lying, I got tons of premade comments. Just can't find the book where I keep them.

P.S. I don't love you...just yet..

Lonely said...

I just wanted to tell you that this post made my day. This is my first time reading your blog and everything you said in this post was hilarious and 100% true. I only have a few people who read my blog regularly (but they happen to be very cool people, so that's good) so I don't have the problem with people just following my blog and commenting it to get more followers.

But anyway, I'm kind of ranting now. Just thought I'd tell you I enjoyed your post :)

Ananya said...

I love the way you write. :D
And Holden Caulfield is my ideal!

Plus, I just follow blogs just so that I can keep reading them.
People who keep telling you to keep following them, is well, plain annoying.


Red Sunshine said...

hilarious post!! love the bit about ash wednesday

That Blond Guy said...

Adrienne: You can be excused for those, because they're all awesome.


Lonely: Thanks so much. I'll check out that lil' ol' blog of yours.

Anaya: Thank you! Cheers to you as well.

Red Sunshine: It really is, isn't it? I sometimes astound myself.

Adrienne said...

Something along the lines of John Cusack and boombox serenade would probably push you in the right direction.

Lexa Be said...

I finally got a chance to read through this, and so I'm commenting *huffah!* I didn't skim, though I have on other people's blogs from time to time, I won't lie. I'm hoping I'm not one of those obnoxious teenage girls, but I guess even if I am occasionally, I still manage to have people read and comment on my blog without me asking them to.

I'm really glad I found your blog though, it makes me happy, and I reference it fairly often when I'm with my friends, like with your Little Engine That Wanted To Die band haha. I'd still read this even if you didn't follow my blog cause this is entertainment for late hours and long nights.

Good post though, and I can see how it would apply *even though my blog isn't popular enough for people to flock to it to say "follow meh hur hur"*

- Lexa Be