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Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Judd Nelson Whispers Things to Me In My Sleep

Question: Does it count as "scoring" when the girl in question is unconscious?

Don't you hate those kids who blurt out "That would make a great band name!" every two minutes or so while you're talking, as if they were a toaster oven that's set on 120 sec. to warm up the same blueberry scone over and over again a hundred times and are therefore obligated to make that comment every time you say anything between 1 and 8 syllables? I actually am one of those kids. Yes, that means I hate myself. GOD, CHRISTOPHER, WHY CAN'T YOU DO ANYTHING RIGHT?! YOU'RE UGLY AND YOU'RE A LOSER AND NOBODY LIKES YOU!!!

So here are a list of band names I came up with for my friends' band which I wasn't invited to join. I actually think some of them are half-decent, so I thought I might post them.

-Panda Bear Subdivision
-Stalin's Babies
-Romulus and Remus
-Make Love Not War
-The Beat Poet's Toothbrush
-Biological Warfare
-Angel Veins
-STD
-Citrus
-The Pregnant Martians
-Ligne de Vie
-Scissor Roads
-the Moonbeams
-Crucifixion
-Polar Bear Republic

Man, I would love it so much to be in a band. Of course, I'd have to play the synthesizer because I can't play anything else. And in the movies about bands where a small band makes it big, the guy who plays the synthesizer is always the one who ends up with only one groupie, who's usually a really fat teenage girl with pigtails and Neanderthal eyebrows.

Today I found out that I sort of have a habit of zoning out whilst staring hungrily at girls from across the science classroom. It happened today and the girl eventually caught me staring. She kind of gave me a look like, "Do you need something?" I was still brain-dead and continued mindlessly drooling and staring at her. She shrugged and gave me the look again. It was only when she tapped her friend on the shoulder and pointed me out to her that I awoke from my deep sleep and mumbled an apology.

A few weeks or so ago in study hall, the study hall teacher (who is around 65 or so) was calling roll and came across a junior whose preferred name was "Starlight." He read the name from the roster, kind of confused, and said, "Your name is Starlight?"

She nodded. He, with a totally straight face, walked to the back of the classroom until he was hovering in front of her. He puts his hand on her desk, leaned in really close to her face, and growled in a voice so low barely anyone could hear it, "Are you turned on?"

I think he's a teacher many of the girls at my school will be avoiding from this point forward. I think it's safe for the boys to do the same as well.

Have you ever considered that maybe you're a schizophrenic and the entire world around you is just a hallucination? And you may think that you're reading this blog post and snacking on white cheddar Cheez-Its, but really you're in a padded room with no windows, drooling and glaring lifelessly at a wall?

I have.

Today at school I made a really embarrasing Freudian slip. I meant to ask this girl out to the movies and popcorn, but instead I asked her out to the "movies and sex. Maybe this Friday if you're not busy." I hate how when you're really nervous, the words "sex" and "popcorn" are so easy to mix up.

Man, I've been feeling so sick recently, and I have a meet tomorrow. I think it might have something to do with all of the brake fluid they put in that one Smoothie King smoothie I had this afternoon: Mango Banana Brake Fluid Splash.

On that note, I'd like to link to a blog that I think is okay, called iRadish. Like an iPod. But awesome. I'm mostly linking to it because she asked me to, but also because she's taken my children hostage. I love my children. Please tell her that. I love my children, and I can't bear to lose them. Please.

Along the same lines, I'm going to make a deal with all of my readers. Between now and the time I write my next post, I am willing to link to any blogger who first links to me. You scratch my back, I scratch yours. You bust me out of jail, I bust you out. You feed me, I bite your hand.

Why am I making this deal? Do I need more attention, more comments, and more followers than I have already? Yes, I do. Plus, I'm still eleven short of 100 followers. And I NEED 100 followers. It would be a landmark for The Nerd Archives, and landmarks are a thing that I like. Landmarks and even, three-digit numbers. So is it a deal?

The humans are dead. The humans are dead. We used poisonous gases. And we poisoned their asses. The humans are dead. The humans are dead...

Cheers,
That Blond Guy

13 people secretly have a crush on me:

Mack said...

I'm one of those kids, too. I like "The Same Blueberry Scone" & "From This Point Forward."

Good luck on your meet tomorrow! You'll do great!

[By the way, I'm not a fan of your comment-invitation above, but I can comprehend it :P]

Kay said...

First of all, I love how I could tell that this was a post of yours on my dashboard by just reading the title. I don’t know of anyone else who has more interesting/disturbing experiences than you do.

STD. A thousand times yes.

And the movie Shutter Island. A thousand times yes.

Good luck with your meet tomorrow!

Ash said...

How is running going for you? I don't think you've ever blogged about your performance/s. You better be coming first. Or I'm going to come over there -- and make you a sandwich. YOU HEAR ME? Good.

"Run Forrest, run!"

Hannah Marie said...

hahahahah every time I read your blog I almost pee my pants from laughing :P

I am one of those people :O one of my personal; favourites is Complementary Cascade, which I overheard during a biology lecture and I have absolutely no idea what it means, but it sounds cool :D

ps. that dude teacher sounds creepy :O

Adrienne said...

I am actually surprised. No pictures of cute animals and you haven't used a word "penis" at all. I have nothing to look for in this post. I may even un-follow you just to sabotage your hopes and dreams.

Eeshie said...

You dirty little boy. I couldn't take it anymore, and wasted five minutes of my life looking up what "Va te faire foutre" meant.

As I said, you dirty little boy.

EH, the band names are okay. Some of them are overused, like "Make Love Not War" and "the Moonbeams." The one I really liked was Citrus. And...Scissor Roads. And...Angel Veins.

I TAGGED YOU ON MY MOST RECENT POST. YOU HAD BETTER LINK TO MINE OR I WILL GO OVER THERE AND RIP YOUR SOCKS OFF AND FORCE YOU TO EAT THEM! MWAHAHAH!

No pressure.

Starlight dude sounds messed up.

Hi.

agent 0017 said...

STALIN'S BABIES! oh gosh that made my life.

Worse than staring at the people and zoning out is staring at the clock that happens to be hanging above their head, so they start shuffling around awkwårdly and fidgeting, but you're too busy staring in agony at the clock and counting down the minutes that you're blissfully unaware that they think you're staring at them......

Boyd said...

I too had to look that up...next time my French teacher calls on me in class, I'm gonna start screaming that.

Do you mind if I possibly use one of those band names, for a one-time performance? They're pretty awesome...

Ginger Girl said...

I absolutly love ligne de vie!!! Sorry I'm such a french nerd... and I suppose since you're that close to 100 followers I shall help...

Anonymous said...

I'm four and a half years old! Stop trying to get me in your bed!
But yes that invitation sounds most pleasing! I'm planning my own school columbine. Although instead of killing half my school due to a total misunderstanding of the movies Rain Man and Toy Story, I intened to invite 679,000 Belguins under the quazi promise that there will be the worlds 3rd largest Jazz festival on my school grounds. When the inevitable backlash occurs because of almost 700,000 Belguins deffacating all over the local infrastructure and just generally being really friendly I NEED AN ESCAPE PLAN!
So your from Atlanta? Is it anything like Atlantis or police academy four? Because I'd love to start a new life under the sea with hilarious car chases! Isn't Michael Vick from Atlanta? He was at my house the other day paying me to make my 13th floor into a viscous dog kennel of some sort.

I'm in a band. Love me. We're called The Strange Rains. I play a guitar. It's red. I like those names.
How dare they say that The Moonbeams is overused! It's a classic name. Over used by what? The Moon?

I tend to stare at Tegan with a metronome ticking away until she breaksdown and inevitably starts unstraegically rambling to herself.

I do belive life is just a hallucination I have a morbid fantasy that I'm in a coma and I'm watching my life on replay trying to find reasons for mental collapse and seaman stained semi-death in Charlie Sheens basement.

When I watch childrens television I feel like I've just come round from the coma and very nice high hospital staff are trying to help me regain my mind.

Yours Faithfullly

Michael Alfonzo Lancealot Desmond Rodriegez Percival Edmund Jimmy Kimmel von Woodfine

Lexa Be said...

What an absolutely psychotic teacher. Time to switch out, yes?

I actually posted the chin scratcher link on my facebook the other day because I liked your post so much, plus I sent two people to here for amusement purposes :) Not that I'm looking for a link since my blog is just whatever anyway. Thought you should know though.

You're my favorite blogger ever, and I'm sad I didn't see your post on the feeds sooner.

- Lexa Be

Anonymous said...

you're in for a big surprise at school on monday. and prob on wed too.

That Blond Guy said...

Mack: Those are actually great band names. I'll give you $25.50 for each.

I actually didn't do great. I got pretty sick and did terribly. Thanks, though!

What comment-invitation?

Kay: Believe it or not, I very sincerely take that as a compliment. I think that titling my posts is one of my few talents in this world.

Shutter Island? Really, is it good?

Ash: Not so great. My team hates me and I'm the second slowest. But you know, I'm hanging in there! I run a 26 sec. 200, 64 sec. 400, 6 minute mile, and I don't know about the rest.

My ma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know whatcha gonna get.

Hannah Marie: Sounds painful.

Ooooh...Complementary Cascade. Christopher like. I think my favourite ever band name, if it really is a band name, is Braingasm.

Adrienne: Well, what did you expect? I'm heavily medicated and, consequently, absolutely docile. But please don't un-follow me! I need you!

Eeshie: You mean it DOESN'T mean "Thanks for commenting?" Oh my God, I'm so embarrassed.

Just okay, huh? I think they're pretty FUCKING FANTASTIC!!! Not to brag or anything. And thanks, I'll make sure to link to you.

Agent0017: Your name is kind of like James Bond except it has a 1 before the 7. Was that on purpose?

Stalin's Babies!!!

Boyd: Please do. I love the French languages, but sometimes French people just need to be put in their place, you know?

Not at all. Just give me a heads up.

Ginger Girl: THANK YOU SO MUCH YOU ARE SO NICE!!!

Mike: I love the first line of this comment. I don't understand it at all, but I think that's the beauty of it. Good luck with your British version of Columbine. Just make sure to keep it safe.

Yeah, Atlanta is awesome. It's nothing like Atlantis, and I haven't seen Police Academy 4. I just heard it referenced once in that Flight of the Conchords song. I think Michael Vick is from Atlanta as well. Lots of awesome people come from Atlanta, and not all of them are vicious dog-haters. Most of them, but not all of them.

Awesome! The Strange Rains? I think I'm going to steal that name and sell it on the band name blackmarket like a Japanese prostitute with six fingers on one hand.

I definitely get what you mean about life being a hallucination and semen and Charlie Sheen. Wait, on second thought, no I don't.

Sincerely,

Christopher Tyler Alexander Charlot Didier James Leonardo William Alberto Louis Bertrand Kearby Andrew Leslie David Luke McWhorter Paco Sylvester Jerry Thompson Benjamin Stuart Thomas Carter Ryan Stephan Gary Rugeley VIII.

Lexa Be: Yes.

Great--I'm honoured! I'd love any excuse to link to you anyway. What do you mean your blog is just whatever?

Thanks again!

Anonymous: OH MY GOD THIS IS REALLY CREEPY!!! Would you please verify who you are and what this "big surprise" is so that I feel safe going to sleep at night?