Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Lorenze and the Very Wise, Talking Goldfish

Once there was a dragon named Lorenze. Lorenze was a very good dragon who always brushed his teeth and held the door for other dragons, but Lorenza also had a problem. He ate too many jelly beans. Far, far, FAR too many jelly beans. Lorenze ate jelly beans until he felt sick, so he would sit in his bed all day clutching his aching tummy and moaning, "Owwwwww....."

Lorenze's dragon sister, Sister; his dragon father, Papa; and his dragon mother, Mama; were all very concerned about him. They would knock on his door and ask him to play dragon board games with them, but he would not open the door because he was always inside eating jelly beans. After a certain point, he did not even come down to breakfast or dinner because he was in his room eating jelly beans. For this reason, he soon got very fat and turned the colour of his favourite jelly bean flavour, root bear mango.

Because he had turned the colour of root-beer-mango-flavoured jelly beans and because he had gotten so fat, his family began to suspect that he was eating too many jelly beans. This was a problem, they decided at a family meeting. (Lorenze did not attend this family meeting, because he was in his room eating jelly beans.)

"He is simply eating too many jelly beans," Papa had complained with a sigh. "There aren't enough left for the rest of us!"

Furthermore, Lorenze became a different person when he ate his jelly beans. His grades were slowly dropping, he became nervous and agitated, and he suffered from severe mood swings. Worst of all was his health. He would emerge from his room, where he had been eating jelly beans, with red eyes. His root bear mango dragon scales were turning gray and flaking, and he had shadows under his eyes. He never seemed to have as much energy as he used to, especially because of all of the weight he was putting on.

Lorenze was become violent. His family considered themselves lucky if he arrived late from school and showed himself to his room without a word. Most times, however, they were not lucky. He would burst through the front door late at night and stumble into the dark house, usually clutching a fistful of jelly beans. Oftentimes he would smash plates and other china against the wall because he liked the noise. Most nights he would abuse his family members, both physically and verbally, usually bursting into tears after he did so. He would then fall to sleep, and Sister was soon given the task of dragging him back to his bedroom as he snoozed. She had also learned to place a bowl-full of her own jelly beans in clear sight, so that they would not bother them when he woke.

Finally, Lorenze awoke one morning to a mysteriously quiet house. He did not notice it was quiet, however, for he had a very bad heache and was also very hungry for jelly beans, even though it was early in the morning and much too soon to be eating jelly beans. He fumbled around his room in search of jelly beans, crying softly as he did so in the semi-darkness. Soon he found a couple of jelly beans under the bed and several more stuck to his pajamas, so he sat down criss-cross-applesauce to enjoy his feast, drying his eyes with the back of his paw and a small smile playing on his lips. It was only after he finished the jelly beans that he noticed the strange quietness.

"Where is my dragon family?" he wondered. "Perhaps they are in the kitchen, waiting to surprise me with more jelly beans."

But when he wandered into the kitchen, there was only a note taped to the pantry door. He waddled curiously over to it and plucked it off with a fleshy paw. It read as follows:

Lorenze: Out shopping for rain boots.
Will be gone for the rest of forever.
Please do not look for us.
With love,
-Your family

This note worried Lorenze. He was especially perturbed by the fact that they were not planning to return for the "rest of forever." Who would buy him jelly beans? he wandered with a sort of dull horror. He tugged open the pantry door and his heart sank as he saw that it was empty except for a single jelly bean, which was strawberry-marmalade-flavoured. He thought perhaps he should save it for later, but before he made up his mind he felt himself swallow it. He was not even aware that he had eaten the jelly bean.

Before he knew it, Lorenze was traveling door-to-door all throughout the neighborhood, asking for jelly beans.

"Do you have any jelly beans?" he would ask.

"No," they would reply. "You are much too fat anyway. You should not be eating anymore jelly beans."

"That's not true!" Lorenze would shout as tears stung his eyes. "And I know you have jelly beans in there! I can tell by the smug little look on your face. Let me in there or I'll...I'll...I'll eat you!"

They shut the door in his face and he remained there on the front porch, banging on the door and screaming that he would eat them until his throat would no longer allow it. He eventually left the porch, grudgingly, and disappeared into the woods behind the house. For days he remained there, like an animal, waiting for the family to leave the house so he could attack them and force them to relinquish their jelly beans. During the days he would scrounge for food. During the nights he would creep to the house and look in through the windows, calling to them softly and scratching the glass with one long claw.

After several days of this thoughtless repitition, Lorenze felt wretched. His stomach burned with hunger, his limbs ached from exhaustion, and a curiously discoloured fungus was growing on his elbow. More than ever before, jelly beans haunted his thoughts. They mocked him in his dreams and sneered at him in all of his waking thoughts. They danced around him, cackling madly. He would try to get up and catch them, but he was too tired and slow, and so they would laugh all the more.

One day he was stopping by a pond in the woods for a drink of water. He leaned over the water and was surprised to see his reflection staring back at him. He was horrified to see how different he had become. His yellowish-golden body was tiny and thin. His fins shivered in the water, his mouth was tiny and round, and his eyelids were both missing. His reflection called his name softly from beneath the surface.


It was then that he realised it was not his own reflection but indeed a tiny goldfish, floating mesmerisingly underneath the shimmering ripples.

With eager delight, he scooped it up with one enormous paw and into his mouth. He felt it slip down his sore throat and down into his empty belly.

Fleetingly, remorse shot through his veins. Remorse for taking the life of this poor fish, remorse for abusing a family that had loved him, and remorse for his old life. Most of all, remorse for the taste of jelly beans.

And so Lorenze sat there by the silvery water, the bitter wind chilling his scales and the clouds dancing above him in the sky.

And Lorenze thought of jelly beans.

That Blond Guy

11 people secretly have a crush on me:

Hannah Marie said...

sad ending :(
but jellybeans are my ultimate FAVORITE candy of ALL TIME and that story cracked me up! I wish I could be as witty as you :(

Tegan said...

Literary genius right there...

I just thought you should know, whenever me and Mike sit down and read your blog together, we can't help but have sex afterwards. Its the effect your blog has on us. You have done well.

Boyd said...

Goldfish taste a bit like a combination of buttered popcorn and licorice jelly beans, so Lorenze was in luck!

J.Barosin said...

Poor Lorenze. I wish him luck with his jelly beans. They are one of my favorite candies, especially sherbert lemon Bertie Bott's every flavour beans. So I can sympathize with Lorenze. If I eat any more of them then I will turn Sherbert Lemon coloured and take a leaf out of Lorenze's book and begin throwing plates.

Anonymous said...

Dumb story.

Eeshie said...

Anonymous, shut up. You obviously don't know classic literature when it's right in front of your face.


This story was really cool. Although the ending was bittersweet, I have to say I enjoyed the story. Lorenze kind of deserved it though, if you ask me.

"Let me in there or I'll...I'll...I'll eat you!"

*endless laughter*

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

Hey honey I'm home!
No I didn't pick up the cat food I'm sorry, but I've been gone for two weeks. . . don't you miss me?
Okay I'll go get the cat food, but then can we cuddle?


Greetings sir,
sorry I haven't been writing on here recently. I havn't had the chance, don't look at me that way!

I love this. As Tegan said 'littery genius right there' but the rest of what she said is purley just her vivid imagination.

Is Lorenze purely just Anons childhood repression and the jellybeans are his inner hate/ bad parents while his family represent his true conscience and his frightening lonlieness while the woods represent his faliure to accept others? Well that's what my butler told me.

Sorry this wasn't very intresting this time I've forgotten how to type.

Forever and always - Mike

themajessty said...

Wait. You speak with a British accent? You're handsome and ripped?!!


Hahaha. Also, I love your writing. (Y)

Gorilla Bananas said...

I don't feel sorry for the fat fire-breathing fuck. Not even a little bit. He should have contacted JA (Jellybeans Anonymous).

Vice Versa said...

bechara Lorenze
(it means poor, like aww, pooor him, but i feel like the urdu translation fits better )
I know how he feels. I feel the ame way about malteasers. the delicious chocolate covered malty goodness. mmmnn..
about a year ago, I had become hopelessly addicted to malteasers. they were the only thing I would eat. I would spend all my money on it and beg for more. My scales started falling off and the underneath bluish skin started showing. my eyes were bloodshot, even my tail fell off (it grew back now, but it's much smaller than before)
my weight grew to 550 pounds.
I realised I had a problem when I woke up in the morning about to eat my sister's head, thinking it was a malteaser.