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Thursday, April 21, 2011

I Find the Whole Idea of Ice Cubes Overwhelmingly, Maddeningly Erotic

Ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ice cube ICE CUBE ICE CUBE ICE CUBE!!!! OH GOD!!!!

...

(Panting.)

I really needed that.

In other news, I think all of you will be absolutely delighted to know that I found out the name of the song and artist played at the dance concert last Wednesday. This comes as an extraordinary relief to me, as I haven't slept for the eight days since I first heard the song. I had become agitated and irritable. I couldn't eat without feeling sick, and eventually I became entirely unresponsive. I fell into a coma. The doctors had to track down the song and play it on one of the nurse's iPod nanos to recall me from my coma. Then Helen Mirren had to give me a lap dance. Some time after that, I awoke as though from a deep hibernation and jumped up immediately to write this post.

If there's anything I find more attractive to me than a strong-willed, independent woman who's not afraid to speak her mind, then it's British pop singers. Lily Allen, Kate Nash, and Natasha Bedingfield being prime examples, female singers/songwriters of Great Britain seem to inhabit a certain place in my heart reserved for only true loves. (Although they have to squeeze in there with half of the Glee cast, Anna Paquin, and Iggy Pop.) Newest and most celebrated member of this list is Florence Welsh of Florence + the Machine. The song played by her at the dance concert was, in fact, The Dog Days Are Over.

I've also loved her songs Heavy In Your Arms and Kiss with a Fist. (Regarding the last one, yeah, Florence, don't think I didn't catch that momentary glimpse of red flash across the screen at 1:52. Don't think I didn't pause it either. And don't think I didn't stare at it for 30 minutes as I drooled and moaned quietly. And don't think I didn't also...nevermind. Yeah, I was about to take it way too far.)

But even when you look beyond her preposterously seductive accent, body, and disposition; she is a very interesting person. She was studying to become an art student before she started recording, and her music is genuinely interesting. There seems to be something more significant to her than just the bizarreness, which is more than I can say for Lady Gaga, Bjork, or Marilyn Manson. Or myself, for that matter, when I have my weekly, spiritually-cleansing rituals in a bathtub full of honey as I chant poems by Shel Silverstein in Latin and drink goat milk from a coconut shell.

If, for some stupid reason, you chose not to click on my link and listen to the song The Dog Days Are Over, then I'd just like to put it out there that you clearly have issues. Serious issues. You need to get your fool ass to the doctor and get yoself inspected, because somethin' is clearly wrong witchoo. Please listen to the song if you haven't already. It made me cry twinkling tears of bitter memories that exploded into the air like shards of glass as they kissed the ground. It made my heart choke with sparkling sentiment like an overdose of an over-the-counter cold medicine and at the same time open up like a flower blossoming in the spring breeze. Every time I listen to that song, I can't help but make love with the nearest woman in sight, even if it's Doris Roberts.



Have you noticed that one of the apparent trends of this past decade and this one is the tendency to combine a number of curse words into one enormous, compound curse word? It's no longer satisfactory to call someone a "bitch" or an "asshole" or a "bastard." If you really want to strike a nerve, you need to call them a "bitch-ass-punk-face." Or a "motherfucker-ass-bitch." Maybe it's just because I've been hanging out with so many Hispanic gangsters from the projects lately, but has anyone else noticed this?

Another thing: the word "rape" seems to have become a very common slang term in the English language. And it's not just teenage guys. You hear ten-year-olds saying things like, "Man, I really raped that pop quiz on the 50 states. How'd you do?" And the really innocent teenage Christian girls in SADD and the pep club are making comments like, "Hey, Susie, awesome job at that volleyball game last Thursday. You totally raped that serve." Even my math teacher stood up at the front of the class last week and said, "Class, I'm sure all of you will be happy to know that you every single one of you raped the math test like week. Everyone got an A or a B."

Isn't anyone considering the citizens of our society today who have been sexually abused and permanently scarred as a consequence? Who's looking out for the cheerleader who had a few too many Roman cokes at a party and woke up with the host's 36-year-old cousin Vinnie petting her hair and telling her that when the baby comes, he wants to name it Nicholas? For the attractive, half-Jamaican cashier at Walmart whose irrational fear of bald people failed to convince her out of agreeing to a candle-lit dinner in one of her customer's basements? For Sandra Bullock in The Blind Side if the movie turned out how I thought it would turn out? So think about that next time you feel obliged to use the line, "Man, I totally raped that game of internet solitaire."

Well, this week has been Holy Week, (making me feel guilty for the majority of this post.) On Thursday I went to the Maunday Thursday service at 7 and then the Vigil at 11:30 to 12:30 PM, where I reached enlightenment but then forgot about it because I was so sleepy. On Friday I went to the Good Friday service, where I munched on rice crispy treats in the back row as the rest of the congregation hid their smart phones behind the prayer books and texted or watched episodes of Burn Notice on Hulu. Today is Holy Saturday, my dad's birthday, Shakespeare's birthday, the date of Shakespeare's death, my half-birthday, Weird Al Yankovic's half-birthday, and my friend's younger brother's half-birthday. Tomorrow is Easter!!! On Easter morning I will wake up at 5 AM to acolyte at the 6 AM service. Fortunately for me, I don't have to actually wake up because I don't sleep during the night. Because I'm a vampire. Rawrr.

You know what all of you should do? You should make video blogs! There I made mine like a few months ago and it was awful but I thought, you know, at least I got it done. But nobody followed suit and now I just feel embarrassed!

Q: What's the difference between grocery bags and Michael Jackson?

A: One is plastic and dangerous for children and the other you use to carry groceries.

Here's another one:

Q: How many straight San Fransiscans does it take to change a light bulb?

A: All three of them.

Well, I better go now. I'm off to space for like the third time this weekend to battle space aliens for NASA. I don't know what they'd do without me.

Cheers,
That Blond Guy

10 people secretly have a crush on me:

Hannah Marie said...

Is today really your dad's birthday?? MINE TOO
whatta weird coincidence.
and I can't say I've been subject to the combined curses, considering that my school is primarily white and lacking in gangsters :/

Lexa Be said...

I love Florence, my friend Hayden showed me her music a few weeks ago, and I loved it! I'll have to tell him you like her as well. Or simply force him to read this. I'll probably just do that.

I never quite thought of ice cubes as erotic, but then again I just like to eat ice, so... *shrug*

Hmm, I've never really noticed the use of multiple curse words, but then again the few people at school who swear openly without saying "dang" or "heck" are me and my friends, so I suppose it's not surprising that we are on the lower end of the scale.

Rape hasn't become popular here yet, but generally Mormons stay away from the term, and my friends and I know people who have been raped which also completely deters us from the word.

I loved the post, I should probably get back to writing on my blog... I've just been lazy.

- Lexa Be

Eeshie said...

I find it really annoying when people use the word "rape" like that.

So, um. This is going to sound really stupid, but what exactly is Easter about? It can't be about fat bunnies and colored eggs. But I never really knew...

Aw, I liked your video blog! It was...well, it was very entertaining. I still remember a lot of it (which is kind of creepy when you think about it). The line that sticks out the most is, “There's a snake in my boot! I know there is, Woody. I can see it. It's very small.” And also, “I really have no plan whatsoever with this vlog, so...” and my personal favorite: “Eeshie is the coolest person in the whole world and her blog is so awesome and she's so amazing and she's the reason I keep living because her blog is just so incredible and I love her and yeah.”



So.

Omigod, I skipped right to 1:52 on that last one because I was so curious as to what you were drooling over and I completely regret it.

God, Christopher. You're so creepy.

*cheesy smile*

We should be pen pals. Wanna be pen pals?

ICE CUBE!

Nicole said...

Florence an the Machine oozes amazing. Every time I hear Dog Days I can't help but smile like a school girl.

My brother and his wannabe gangster friend's say "rape" all the time, especially when playing video games. It pisses me off to no end, especially since I have a friend that has gone through that and she still struggles with it. I'm so happy I wasn't raised in my brother's generation I would be so pissed off with everyone around me for their arrogance and ignorance towards other people.

Great post :)

P.s I could see how you would think ice cube is erotic, lol

Tegan said...

You need to read 'The Catcher In The Rye'. It's just you.

Bookish.Spazz said...

The Dog Days Are Over always reminds me of the movie Eat Pray Love due to the fact that all of the commercials for the film had the song in it.

And I did make a vlog, you just didn't watch it.

Boyd said...

I did watch the video for Dog Days...well, I watched the video at first, but after about a minute I opened another window and just listened. Florence definitely scares me, and it was taking away from the (awesome!) song.

I should do a vlog...yours was awesome-pants. I'm posting a video I'm in today, if that counts.

Lemons Don't Make Lemonade said...

Great post. (:

Also, I agree with you about the use of the word "rape." It's really callous to use it so casually. But then, if you think about it, the same could be said for the word "fuck."

Ah, well.

Abby said...

Oh man I love Florence + The Machine. Dog Days Are Over is like my guilty pleasure song to attempt to sing when I'm by myself and I shut all the windows to the screechy sound I refuse to admit is coming out of my mouth.
Good point about using rape casually. I'm pretty sure it's sexual abuse awareness month or something so this was well timed.
Merry Easter.

delusional crapping machine said...

random person blog hopping. this post is an evidence of actual concern regarding the rape culture.seriously believe that the rape word is reserved for one thing and one thing only. using it otherwise proves the lack of concern and how it is actually being over looked these days.