A Confrontation with a Varsity Football Player

Let me tell you something, sir.

Just because you're taller than me, and just because you have sex on school nights, DOESN'T mean you're cooler than me. I'm cool because I'm confident about who I am and because I have awesome hair. Seriously, when I run my hands through it, it's like having my fingers massaged by a million tiny angels. That's why I'm cooler.

And even though you can bench twice as much as me, I could still beat you up in a matter of seconds. I have fists of fury, and I know how to make a guy go unconscious by just jabbing the right pressure points on his neck. I totally learned it from Star Trek, man. So are you still so sure you want to mess with me?

One thing I'll have you know: it is UNACCEPTABLE to use the word "gay" as a derogatory term. The United States is the civil rights capitol of the world, so why are we still so prejudiced against homosexuals?

Another thing: surely lady bugs can't all be ladies! That's just stupid! Think about it!

I'll have you know, Mister Man, that you're not so great just because you have your own car. It's projected that in approximately twenty years, mass-transit will be the major means of transportation, not automobiles. How do you feel about that?

Fiona Apple has only two good songs. One of them is Across the Universe, which she didn't even write. The Beatles did! So why is she so great? Just because of Paper Bag? I don't think so! She always looks like she's crying, anyway. I just can't dig that in a lady, man.

If we colonized the moon and brought domesticated animals with us, what would dogs howl at during the night? Would they howl at the earth, maybe? Think about that, for a second, you giant a******!

So if you think you're so great, tell me this: what walks on four legs in the morning, two legs in the afternoon, and three legs in the evening? Answer me that! What's that? A human? Fine! But you only know that because of reading The Odyssey in English class freshman year! That's right, I know all of your secrets.

Why do natural disasters happen? Why is there genocide, discrimination, and war? If God is so caring, wouldn't he put a stop to that? Well, my friend, it's an act of nature and we'll never fully understand it.

I did NOT get that from The Happening!

Why do gangstas wear their pants so low? Seriously, it's not cool! It's weird. It makes me uncomfortable.

So here's something for you to wrap your fat head around, man: slugs have four noses! Also, the average American drinks 600 sodas a year. Also, all polar bears are left-handed. Also, a pig's orgasm lasts for 30 seconds! Can you get any of that into your thick skull?

To you, 500 Days of Summer may have been just another predictable romantic comedy, but to me it was a masterpiece. And I don't care how people judge me because of it. It had a fantastic script, was artistically filmed, and was finished far more skillfully than most films in its genres. Plus, its soundtrack was epic. Hall&Oates, The Smiths, Regina Spektor, and The Pixies!!!

How could you even begin to say that Elvis Presley was better than The Beatles? Ooooh, he's swingin' his hips back and forth a little and he has sideburns. Let's all worship him oooooh. That's you. I was just imitating you just a second ago. All of Elvis' songs sound just the same, man. John Lennon was a god. Elvis was a git.

You can't wear shorts and long sleeves at the same time. That's just tacky. It worked for that chick in the Cake song, but she was something special.

I hope you got something out of this little speech, buddy. I happen to know that your "girlfriend" is my soul mate. And I'm not afraid to fight you for her. Because, brother, she's spicy hot. She's both Jewish and blond. Which is awesome.

Cheers,
That Blond Guy