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Saturday, November 27, 2010

A Confrontation with a Varsity Football Player

Let me tell you something, sir.

Just because you're taller than me, and just because you have sex on school nights, DOESN'T mean you're cooler than me. I'm cool because I'm confident about who I am and because I have awesome hair. Seriously, when I run my hands through it, it's like having my fingers massaged by a million tiny angels. That's why I'm cooler.

And even though you can bench twice as much as me, I could still beat you up in a matter of seconds. I have fists of fury, and I know how to make a guy go unconscious by just jabbing the right pressure points on his neck. I totally learned it from Star Trek, man. So are you still so sure you want to mess with me?

One thing I'll have you know: it is UNACCEPTABLE to use the word "gay" as a derogatory term. The United States is the civil rights capitol of the world, so why are we still so prejudiced against homosexuals?

Another thing: surely lady bugs can't all be ladies! That's just stupid! Think about it!

I'll have you know, Mister Man, that you're not so great just because you have your own car. It's projected that in approximately twenty years, mass-transit will be the major means of transportation, not automobiles. How do you feel about that?

Fiona Apple has only two good songs. One of them is Across the Universe, which she didn't even write. The Beatles did! So why is she so great? Just because of Paper Bag? I don't think so! She always looks like she's crying, anyway. I just can't dig that in a lady, man.

If we colonized the moon and brought domesticated animals with us, what would dogs howl at during the night? Would they howl at the earth, maybe? Think about that, for a second, you giant a******!

So if you think you're so great, tell me this: what walks on four legs in the morning, two legs in the afternoon, and three legs in the evening? Answer me that! What's that? A human? Fine! But you only know that because of reading The Odyssey in English class freshman year! That's right, I know all of your secrets.

Why do natural disasters happen? Why is there genocide, discrimination, and war? If God is so caring, wouldn't he put a stop to that? Well, my friend, it's an act of nature and we'll never fully understand it.

I did NOT get that from The Happening!

Why do gangstas wear their pants so low? Seriously, it's not cool! It's weird. It makes me uncomfortable.

So here's something for you to wrap your fat head around, man: slugs have four noses! Also, the average American drinks 600 sodas a year. Also, all polar bears are left-handed. Also, a pig's orgasm lasts for 30 seconds! Can you get any of that into your thick skull?

To you, 500 Days of Summer may have been just another predictable romantic comedy, but to me it was a masterpiece. And I don't care how people judge me because of it. It had a fantastic script, was artistically filmed, and was finished far more skillfully than most films in its genres. Plus, its soundtrack was epic. Hall&Oates, The Smiths, Regina Spektor, and The Pixies!!!

How could you even begin to say that Elvis Presley was better than The Beatles? Ooooh, he's swingin' his hips back and forth a little and he has sideburns. Let's all worship him oooooh. That's you. I was just imitating you just a second ago. All of Elvis' songs sound just the same, man. John Lennon was a god. Elvis was a git.

You can't wear shorts and long sleeves at the same time. That's just tacky. It worked for that chick in the Cake song, but she was something special.

I hope you got something out of this little speech, buddy. I happen to know that your "girlfriend" is my soul mate. And I'm not afraid to fight you for her. Because, brother, she's spicy hot. She's both Jewish and blond. Which is awesome.

Cheers,
That Blond Guy

12 people secretly have a crush on me:

Kay said...

I don't follow.

But a ton of bugs are asexual.

So it's like they're all ladies

but at the same time none of them are ladies.

But

I can't help but wonder if

you forgot to take your ritalin

That Blond Guy said...

...like the dinosaurs in Jurassic Park?

I didn't know what Ritalin was. So when I read your comment, I looked befuddled, Googled it, clicked the Wikipedia link, read the first sentence, and then giggled.

Shenge said...

I got your e-back >:(

But seriously - take him down.

Furree Katt said...

Mister Man got pwned

tegan said...

In reference to your Lonely Island comment, JORMA TACCONE ftw. Haha well actually Akiva is the cutest. Well actually they're ALL absolutely legendary. Nobody's heard of them in the UK, so I feel special. :)

In reference to THIS, well yes, 500 days of summer, you know I love that film, and you know that I love the Beatles as well, so I am with you 100% of the way when you say John Lennon was a God... though personally, my heart lies with Ringo. Much like Summer actually. ANYWAY, THE SMITHS!!! :D bye.

tegan said...

AND YOU WILL GET THAT JEWISH HOTTIE, YOU MARK MY WORDS!

RainboRevolver said...

Bahaha this is basically amazing.
Stand up to that asshole. And then get someeee!

Ps: In 500 Days of Summer, you know that Regina Spektor song that plays during the scene with the party at Summer's house where Tom's expectations don't line up with reality? I'm listening to that right now.

Have a nice day.

That Blond Guy said...

Shenge: What's an e-back? I feel ignorant. And thanks--I will.

Furree Katt: That he did. And today he got beaten to the ground with a steel hole puncher. Revenge is sweet.

Tegan: Yeah, Lonely Island is awesome. But who's Akvia? Anyway, I think the coolest thing about them is they started out like a bunch of college kids with a video camera. They weren't professional or anything, so I think that's cool.

RainboRevolver: Thanks for the advice. I stood up to him, and he punched me in the face. He then got me into a headlock so the rest of the guys on the football and basketball team could punch me in the face as well. But really, thanks for the advice.

That was one of my favorite parts of the whole movie. That happens to me all the time. I also love "Hero," by Regina Spektor.

Thanks for commenting!

Jillian said...

*facepalm* You don't know who Akiva is?
I am not a TLI nerd, but one of my best friends is, and EVEN I KNOW WHO HE IS. Gosh darn.

If this makes you feel any better, I totally dislike those type of Mister Man guys.

An Abundance of Ramen said...

Okay. Whoa. Here goes. "Gay" is a word used only as an alternative for happy, or to describe someone who has a sexual attraction to the same gender. Other words with the same meaning are "homosexual" (homo meaning same, and sexual... well, sexual preference) and, if you're referring to a woman, lesbian. Thank you for listening.
And actually, I kind of like Fiona Apple's "Extraordinary Machine"...
Okay, ladybugs can't all be female, because insects such as ladybugs do not use asexual reproduction, therefore two genders are required to repopulate the species.
The riddle you refer to is the Riddle of the Sphinx, by the way. Just being a know-it-all.
Elvis Presley had talent, yes. But The Beatles. Mother f*cker. Please. John Lennon would not hesitate for a second to totally whoop Elvis's sorry little side-burned, hip-swinging, ain't-nothin'-but-a-freaking-hounddog a** on American Idol. Or in any musical contest where the judges weren't complete idiots, actually.
God. I hate these I-think-the-world-is-mine-because-I'm-the-hottest-most-kicka**-guy-in-existance people. Especially varsity. And if you think the guys are bad, let me tell you something. The girls are worse. We suffer so much, us non-athletes...

An Abundance of Ramen said...

By the way... Lonely Island <3

Me, forever. said...

Hahaha. I am probably going to just read your blog for the next few hours rather than doing my homework. I am already failing my homework grades, so what's another zero? You have made my day. You sound like a nerd. no offense.