My Long-Lasting and Very Intimate Relationsith Regina Spektor w

I'm pretty sure we all have one celebrity in particular who we invest some time in drooling over and whose pictures we gawk at for ninety seconds at a time. A celebrity who you rave about to your friends and they'll be just like "Uh...I guess she/he's okay" or "Whoozat?" A celebrity who you've built a shrine to in both your bedroom and in one corner of your pantry which no one ever looks at because that's where your family keeps all of the three-year-old, multi-grain breakfast bars. A celebrity who you dress up as every time you're in the house alone while you pleasure yourself in the bathroom.

Actually, I'm not so sure we all have that kind of celebrity. Yeah. Awkward.

For me, that celebrity is Regina Spektor. Folk-punk-rock-Jewish-Russian-classical-jazz-hip hop musical artist behind Fidelity and Better. Native to Russia but American citizen. Three times the winner of the Best Music Ever Recorded Time Infinity Award and recently declared Empress of the Universe.

But what do these achievements and silly titles mean? Most importantly, Regina Spektor is a pretty face.

Not just one pretty face. More like fifty.

There's her single-mother-half-time-waitress-at-Arby's-and-still-hotter-than-ever face:



There's her just-finished-exercising-even-though-I'm-naturally-fit face:



And then, of course, her frightened-but-still-beautiful-Russian-immigrant face:



Her Soviet-Kitsch face(s):



I love that one. And finally, her hey-look-at-me-I'm-pretending-to-be-a-mouse-I'm-so-adorable-let's-get-married-face:



Yeah, I guess that one's more up for interpretation.

Regina Spektor's song are all masterpieces. Every. Last. One. Of. Them. From Samson to Somedays. From Pavlov's Daughter to Poor Little Rich Boy. From Chemo Limo to Carbon Monoxide. From The Call to The Calculation. From Ode to Divorce to Oedipus.

And yes, I really am just showing off my knowledge of Regina Spektor songs.

Her songs reflect the best aspects of every time of music there is. She has absolutely no fear of trying new styles of music. In fact, she actually seems to have a rational fear of not trying new styles of music. She has music-ADHD.

I think Regina Spektor is a music machine. In her childhood, she was a prodigy, and to this day: she's one of those out-of-this-world, inhuman music goddesses. She's said on more than one occasion that she's constantly thinking up songs, and that she only writes the best ones down. She never even aspired to be a songwriter, her destiny just grabbed hold of her and made her its wife.

Her lyrics, best of all, are pure poetry. When you watch her interviews, (or in my case, gawk at them in a dark bedroom), she doesn't on first impression seem any more intelligent than a blond, Valley Girl who somehow figured out how to read and write music. But well into her interviews, she begin saying some really wise stuff. Furthermore, her songs are positively dripping with wisdom beyond her years.

Whenever I look at a picture of Regina Spektor, all of my problems go away. I want to sponsor a food drive for homeless people. I want to raise thousands of dollars for cancer research and hungry Africans in her name. I want to go into a confession and then hug all of the people I've ever insulted. Whenever I look at her pictures, I also want to make love to her. But I think that's a different sort of feeling.

Regina Spektor and The Beatles are fighting to the death for my favorite band, but she's winning. Because, dude, she's hot. Sometimes I feel the same way about John Lennon, but not to the same extent. Anyway, my fantasy is that this huge scandal is revealed and the media discovers that Paul McCartney is actually Regina Spektor's real father. Then, Regina Spektor and I get married. (I never figured how that would happen, but it doesn't really matter.) That way, I can have both of them in the same fantasy.

If you haven't already heard her songs, here are my first suggestions:

Another Town

Baby Jesus

Cheers,
That Blond Guy