Episcopal Church Retreats Are So Cool It Stings A Little Somewhere Around My Ankles

I am proud to be an Episcopalian.



I am not proud of all of the other things I can be described as. Namely: an asthmatic, a blond person, a Madonna fan, a sensitive male, and a closet homosexual. But I am proud, by God, to be an Episcopalian.

Among infinitely other admirable characteristics of the Episcopal Church, we have stellar church retreats. I discovered this over the course of this last weekend which I spent at Kanuga. Specifically, I discovered it while sitting fully clothed in the bathtub and eating Butterfinger bars, but who really needs to know those details?

I spent the entirety of Friday, Saturday, and Sunday morning singing catchy Christian songs, dancing to Twist and Shout, reading in my cabin, playing with my slinky, attempting high ropes courses, hiking, and mostly just hitting shamelessly on girls in the Youth Group.

Friday night I watched Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows with the rest of the Youth Group. It was going to be a good experience even before it happened because 1) some random guy in the row in front of me told me he would be there for me if I ever needed him and 2) the girl next to me warned me that she might hug me very tightly if she got scared. Unfortunately, two minutes before the movie started, her eighth grade brother sat down in the same seat as her and said "Mind if I plunk down here?" so I never got to experience that first-hand. It was okay, though, because THE MOVIE WAS AWESOME!

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Trailer

I have never before liked a Harry Potter movie. They all pick what they like from the books and abandon the rest like vultures feeding off the ribcage of a dead possum. So I had low expectations. This one, on the other hand, was really brilliant. I would elaborate by saying "Now, I don't want to spoil the movie for anybody" and then spoiling it, but I genuinely don't want to ruin the movie for any of my precious readers. Just MAKE SURE that you see the movie, and be watching out for a really awesome animation about the Three Brothers and Emma Watson naked.

I spent most of Saturday on a high ropes course with three of the funniest ropes course instructors I saw during that entire week. The funniest one had an awesome beard too. I would seriously steal it while he was sleeping if I got the chance.



I've always liked rock climbing, ropes courses, and other things of that sort. (Well, when I say "always," I mean after I learned to wait at least a few minutes before I started screaming for my mother.) I wouldn't call myself a fan of those harnesses you always have to wear, though. Not only do they look really dorky, but they're always so insensitive to one's privates. Why are they so inconveniently located so that that's where the rope yanks up on you when you fall off the course? Ah, well. In spite of that, I had a lot of fun there.

That afternoon, I hiked to a rock with lots of lady bugs. Yeah, uh, that's that.

Saturday night, they had this "Enchantment Under the Sea" dance where everyone either dressed up like it was prom night or along with the sea theme. Or, if you were like me, you wore a button-up shirt and a hoodie.

I usually hate dances or anything that involves expressing any emotion at all, but I had a lot of fun with this one. They played oldies the whole time because we're Episcopalians (so most of us are old people). So, of course, I loved the music. I was dancing the whole time like a wild Michael Jackson grizzly bear. Embarrassingly, I had never before heard the song "Play That Funky Music, White Boy," so I accidentally mixed the lyrics up a little and was singing "Play That F****** Music, White Boy," because that's what I thought everyone else was singing, no matter how strange it was. Fortunately, I think it was too loud for anyone to hear me.

I also slow-danced with the rector's daughter. The rector was wearing a pink coat which made him look, (as my dad described it), like a "gay lion tamer."

Overall, it was a pretty awesome trip, especially 'cos I had my slinky along for the ride.

Yet another discovery I made during the retreat: girls like it when you tell them they smell nice. I have nine cell phone numbers and the loss of my virginity to prove it!

Anyone else as eager as I am for Thanksgiving? (A: No!) It just irks me how everyone's so eager for Christmas that they're skipping over Thanksgiving...



Cheers,
That Blond Guy