Thursday, November 25, 2010

Kitten Assassins and the Return of the Slinky


My God, I love kittens so much. I wouldn't mind being assassinated by a kitten. I really wouldn't. It would be a quick death, and there would be kittens involved. The only thing that would make it even better would be if Jesus turned out to be a kitten. That'd be awesome. Jesus was a feline, but that was edited out of the Bible because everyone was embarrassed by it. And a bit ashamed.

I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving yesterday! I know I did. (Ha ha ha.) I heard Obama pardoned two turkeys from being slaughtered and eaten for Thanksgiving dinner. Oh, yes, very funny, Obama. I bet all of the prisoners lining up for death row just loved that.

For Thanksgiving, I worked a lot. Then I ate food, and then I ate pie. Then a few hours passed. Then for dinner, I ate a turkey sandwich and some more pie. Then, about fifteen minutes later, I ate more pie. Two hours later, I caved and ate some more pie. Then I went to bed. Then, at about 12:15 at night, I woke up, went downstairs, and ate some more pie. Then I cried because I couldn't stop.

How was your Thanksgiving?

The title of this post is "Kitten Assassins and the Return of the Slinky." I've already covered the kitten assassins part with that photo of a kitten with a gun pointed out the window and a caption explaining my bizarre obsession with little kittens doing cute things. Then I mentioned "the Return of a Slinky." That implies that the slinky has at one point in the month and three days since I got it left my hands. This is a lie.

That slinky means the world to me. If I was meat, the slinky would be my salt. If I was a pancake, it would be my syrup. If I was a baby, that slinky would be my binky. If I was an elderly, single man, that slinky would be my Vi...never mind. No, I wasn't about to say Viagra! I was going to say...uh...violin! Old single men play the violin a lot! It's true! Look it up! I read it in a book.

I never part from it. I could not survive without it. I'm addicted. It's the truth.

Unfortunately, it also feeds the minute, ADHD side of me.

This morning I needed to make breakfast. I walked downstairs, (with my slinky), and got some bread from the bag with my free hand. It took me about a minute and a half to get the bread into the toaster, because I was so busy watching my slinky. When I finally got it in, I was playing with my slinky for three minutes while the bread toasted. Once it popped out and I had to spread jelly on it, I had absolutely no willpower to put the jelly on the bread. I just couldn't bring myself to do it.

I stood there for ten minutes with my slinky before I could bring myself to spread the jelly.

It's sad. I need help.

Are you freaked out that a 5'11 high schooler is still playing with a slinky and is excited about it? Are you thinking bad things about me, mama?

Happy Thanksgiving-Was-Yesterday!

That Blond Guy

5 people secretly have a crush on me:

tegan said...

i can see the attraction with the slinkies... and I wish we celebrated Thanksgiving in the UK! man I wish i was American. You don't know how lucky you are, mate... I even did a blog post about Thanksgiving because I want to be American, clearly.

but the point is, what kind of pie are we talking here?

Cassandra said...

This made me smile. I've been reading your blog fro a while, but I just finally found the courage to hit the "follow" button.
I like pie too, so I know how you feel about your obsession.
I'm not a huge fan of cats, but it's good that you like them so much.
Do you know who Eddie Izzard is? If not you should check him out because the bit about old men and violins reminded me of him (in other words it was very funny).

Aside from your blog and all it's brilliance I would like to note how pitifully distracted your fish make me. I've probably just spent 15 minutes sitting here clicking and trying to make sure every fish got food and such.

Boyd said...

Now I want to go dig out my old slinky, if my mother didn't get rid of it at some point.

Also, I've been having pie with every meal since lunch yesterday, plus some supplements in between. If you happen to find a pie-addiction support group, can you pass along the number?

RainboRevolver said...

Shit, you're tall. Just sayin. But I can't really criticize, I'm like 4'10...
Anyway, it's cool you had a real thanksgiving. I went to my friend's house, and then we went to a restaurant. I got no pie :( it was tragic.
And slinkies are bomb-diggity, be shameless in your slinkyage!

Lexa Be said...

HAHAHA! That made me giggle....or rather bust up laughing and make my cat sitting on my lap freak out. Love slinkies, love chinese yoyos better though ;)

I like kittens, but not enough to let them kill me.

Do you think you're possibly addicted to thanksgiving food? Haha

- Lexa Be