Friday, July 15, 2011

Whenever I Have Trouble Going to Sleep, I Play Tapes of Children Crying, and Then I Miraculously Drift Off to Sleep

That's a true story. Now before you get the chance to digest that and become profoundly disturbed, I think I'll share a poem with you. It's a beat poem, really. Sort of a think piece, I guess you could say. In retrospect, it's about the human condition.

Ode to the Mildly Attractive College Student Who Played Briar Rose in an Amateur, Rock 'n Roll Rendition of Sleeping Beauty Performed At a Local Outdoor Theater

When you floated onto that stage like
A lilac riding a draft of autumn air
The humming spotlights ignited in your eyes
A moonlight blue, peering under a roof of
Thick and inky mascara, the expensive kind
As my eyes fell upon you and happened to suspend there
I felt a little something flutter in my stomach
Something bordering indigestion and half-hearted sexual interest
I did notice you could theoretically be described as attractive
Your eyes, sapphire stones, sparkled like a
Plastic cup full of flat sparkling water
Forgotten on a foldable lawn chair under the Mississippi sun
That is to say, they do not possess
An exceptional amount of sparkle
But, as sparkling eyes go, they
Are more sparkly than the average eyes
Your skin is sun-kissed and quite smooth
Like the bare, bald shins of a Columbian fisherman
Is that tan real? If so, I'm relatively impressed
All in all, I suppose you really are rather pretty
Your brief section in the Cast Biography pamphlet says
That you currently attend the University of Texas
That's interesting--my mother went there
Did I say my mother? I meant my ex-girlfriend
I'm not really the type of guy who talks about his mother a lot
I'm not really the type who talks about ex-girlfriends either
I just happen to find you attractive and
I guess I feel a little nervous--and bewildered to have found
Such a jewel of an actress in the glowing hills of West Texas
Yes, I have found the play to be entertaining so far
The jokes are a little weak and I suspect the plot
Was the result of a Monday morning acid trip
Involving the artistic consultation of an 8-year-old girl
The whole thing would be far more interesting if you
Performed without any clothes on
Perhaps lathered in peanut oil and French kissing
A hot brunette wearing a solid red bikini bottom
Although I suppose that would be rather misplaced
At a family establishment, especially this one
Well, finally, the play has ended
Everyone around me is leaving, swarming
Not unlike a colony of fire ants seeking refuge from
The icy water of a bright green garden hose
Alas, I alone must remain here in the theater
All this talk of peanut oil and French kissing has
Given me a massive erection
Looks like I might be here for a few extra minutes
Perhaps I will ask for your name, your phone number
See if you are busy this weekend
On second thought
Perhaps not.

I'm going to be gone for the next week. I've been invited to spend the next seven days hanging out at Elton John's flat in London, and I'll be unable to blog, considering I'll be so preoccupied experiencing all of the music and performing sexual favours for him.

While I'm gone, please read the post below this one if you haven't already, vote on my newest poll, and comment on this post promising to marry me. If you don't want to marry me, that's okay, I'll just hate you for the rest of my life.

Now here's a picture of Halle Berry in a bikini:

Didn't think I'd follow through with that, did you? Now you HAVE to keep reading my blog.

I'll miss you guys. Try not to accidentally eat your own heads while I'm gone, okay?

That Blond Guy

6 people secretly have a crush on me:

Boyd said...

I feel like going to a poetry reading, and performing an impassioned delivery of that thought piece. Perhaps I'd channel William Shatner; perhaps, perhaps, Tom Waits.

Lemons Don't Make Lemonade said...

I voted for you in your poll.

You're welcome. (:

That poem is EPIC and I have trouble believing that you can't get girls because I'd elope with anyone who wrote a poem like that.

I'll have a wet dream about you in your absence. ;)

Lemons Don't Make Lemonade said...

I voted for you in your poll.

You're welcome. (:

That poem is EPIC and I have trouble believing that you can't get girls because I'd elope with anyone who wrote a poem like that.

I'll have a wet dream about you in your absence. ;)

Anonymous said...

That poem is a masterpiece. Want to hear one of mine? It's aptly entitled, "The Rhinoceros", because it's about a rhinoceros. Be amazed at my brilliance. (I'll be here all week.)

The rhinoceros has crescent horns
Which rest upon its head-
The rhinoceros has crescent horns
Which fill people with dread.

Last night the rhino, in his pen,
About to go to bed,
Saw as he lay down to sleep
A subtle flash of red.

The zookeeper was tired and
Had not for days been fed-
His keys fell from his loosened belt
And then away he tread.

The rhino, sensing a quite nice
Opportunity, sped
Upon his three-toed feet he moved
Stopping to grab some bread.

My uncle, very far away,
Tossed within his bed;
He had realized he hadn’t bought
The gourmet platter spread.

He quickly hopped into his car,
And this is what he said:
“How terrible this must occur
The week my mother’s wed.”

Suddenly his car broke down,
So he became a ped-
Estrian. He moped along
And for a ride he pled.

The rhino, wandering down Main
Street, saw a flash of red-
He thought it was the zookeeper,
To the market he fled.

5th Avenue was quite crowded,
So my uncle instead
Took Main Street, where a grocery
Was there- he walked ahead.

He thought he saw a small croissant,
But was sadly misled-
The rhinoceros has crescent horns,
That’s why my uncle’s dead.

...don't you judge me.

Tegan said...

"Something bordering indigestion and half-hearted sexual interest"
I love you.
I want to marry you.
Mike and I missed you a lot... and now you're going away yourself!? AH this is such awful timing Christopher. xo

Anonymous said...

Well, being a new follower, I figured my first comment should be somewhere on this first page. And I would promise to marry you, but you might as well take my word for it when I say you don't wanna marry me. Don't let the glasses and messy hair fool you; I'm not as hot as I think I am ;) But in all honesty, I do enjoy your blog. Quite a bit :)