My Case Against Abstinence and a Photograph of a Demon Leprechaun

The fundies talk all the time about waiting until marriage to have sex. I think they're making a fair argument, and I can see where they're coming from. I've even considered it at many points in my life. But then I had this thought.

What if one day I meet the perfect woman. She's absolutely beautiful. She has gorgeous, feathery blonde hair that swoops and slides down to her shoulders, and it seems to radiate as though it were giving off sunlight. She has stunning blue eyes. They're icy, yet somehow they're warm. When I look into them, I could swear I'm looking into the eyes of some Ancient Greek goddess. She has flawless skin, a perfect form, and she's wearing clothes that are attractive--but without consciously being so. She's blonde, as I said, but she's also half-Jewish. Her name is French, which she also happens to be nearly fluent in, although she doesn't speak a word of Spanish. She's not an all-out vegetarian, but she refuses to eat any meat besides fish, chicken, or turkey. She's into both the classic rock scene--like the Beatles, the Stones, Pink Floyd, and Queen--as well as some indie rock and alternative, but mainly she loves music all around, and she's open to many different kinds of it. She's a fan of John Hughes and 80's movies in general, and she also enjoys the occasional horror movie, just as long as she has her man alongside her to hold onto when it gets scary. She's not a great cook, but what the hell? She's amazing in almost every way.

When it comes to sex, she says she wants to wait. You know, I think, I really don't mind. I've just met the perfect girl--why ruin my chances with her by insisting on it? So I wait. We go on to stay together for the next few months, and finally after half a year or so, I think, I'm ready to marry this girl. So I ask her to marry me, she giggles ecstatically, claps her hands, and says yes, and we get married. We have a modest wedding, but we invite a lot of family and close friends and, all in all, it goes perfectly.

We sneak off after the reception to our nice hotel room, which we booked for the night. It's late and we're both tired, but at the same time giggling and happy and excited. We get on the bed, and I help her out of the wedding dress. It's a difficult and bit of an awkward process, but we sort of turn it into foreplay. But finally I tug it off and we're both naked as newborn babies.

And she has a penis.



What then?

Cheers,
That Blond Guy