Friday, July 8, 2011

My Case Against Abstinence and a Photograph of a Demon Leprechaun

The fundies talk all the time about waiting until marriage to have sex. I think they're making a fair argument, and I can see where they're coming from. I've even considered it at many points in my life. But then I had this thought.

What if one day I meet the perfect woman. She's absolutely beautiful. She has gorgeous, feathery blonde hair that swoops and slides down to her shoulders, and it seems to radiate as though it were giving off sunlight. She has stunning blue eyes. They're icy, yet somehow they're warm. When I look into them, I could swear I'm looking into the eyes of some Ancient Greek goddess. She has flawless skin, a perfect form, and she's wearing clothes that are attractive--but without consciously being so. She's blonde, as I said, but she's also half-Jewish. Her name is French, which she also happens to be nearly fluent in, although she doesn't speak a word of Spanish. She's not an all-out vegetarian, but she refuses to eat any meat besides fish, chicken, or turkey. She's into both the classic rock scene--like the Beatles, the Stones, Pink Floyd, and Queen--as well as some indie rock and alternative, but mainly she loves music all around, and she's open to many different kinds of it. She's a fan of John Hughes and 80's movies in general, and she also enjoys the occasional horror movie, just as long as she has her man alongside her to hold onto when it gets scary. She's not a great cook, but what the hell? She's amazing in almost every way.

When it comes to sex, she says she wants to wait. You know, I think, I really don't mind. I've just met the perfect girl--why ruin my chances with her by insisting on it? So I wait. We go on to stay together for the next few months, and finally after half a year or so, I think, I'm ready to marry this girl. So I ask her to marry me, she giggles ecstatically, claps her hands, and says yes, and we get married. We have a modest wedding, but we invite a lot of family and close friends and, all in all, it goes perfectly.

We sneak off after the reception to our nice hotel room, which we booked for the night. It's late and we're both tired, but at the same time giggling and happy and excited. We get on the bed, and I help her out of the wedding dress. It's a difficult and bit of an awkward process, but we sort of turn it into foreplay. But finally I tug it off and we're both naked as newborn babies.

And she has a penis.

What then?

That Blond Guy

11 people secretly have a crush on me:

Bookish.Spazz said...

Very well played argument. I was raised in a Fundamental "hell-fire" Baptist church and even at a young age I realized the impracticality of waiting for sex until marriage.

I may not have known what it was, but I knew that with the life that I wanted and especially the type of guys I was attracted to the idea of waiting was a little far fetched.

Also, the idea of building up to that first night of sex just makes me want to barf. What if it was awful? Then what? You can't very well get an annulment anymore.

However there are these certain moments when I meet guys and they seem all down to earth and have this "hey, let's just take our time" kind of vibe and I half-way convince myself that the idea of waiting might not be so bad.

I don't know. I'm easily persuaded when it comes to things like this.

I hope you don't marry anyone with a penis.

Furree Katt said...

*tears up at the ending* (before the demonic picture)

Yana said...

A penis?! o.O
I really wouldn't know what to do except cry. You should definitely go my fundie church (where even dancing is considered a sin) and tell them this story.

-E- said...

nobody's perfect. (r.i.p. mr. wilder.)

J.Barosin said...

And for this exact reason, I love being a Reform Jew. Or, as my friend put it, I'm Jew-ish. Which is really true. Really, really accurate.

Isobel said...

well i think that a secret penis would be pretty legitimate grounds for a divorce. Any secret genitalia would, really

I don't really understand waiting. The way I see it; my dog used to pretty violently hump his teddy all the time (before he ate it, which is a bit sadistic) and no one made him marry it before he did that. He was just having a good old time, and I can't picture him winding up in any sort of hell because of it. Humans should get the same liberty provided they don't eat their sexual partners.


Kay said...


That was my first reaction, sorry.

I certainly hope no one is faced with such a horror, but odds are someone has. Oh, joy.

themajessty said...

Fantastic post.

I'm going to borrow your argument whenever someone asks me to keep it in my pants until I have a ring on my finger.

InnocentlyGreen said...

Not that I anywhere nearly agree with waiting until after marriage to sleep with your perfect half, but you know, there's a compromise. It probably takes a lot more strength than not even holding their hand though. Seeing as you said no sex, but didn't mention kissing, cuddling, touching and all that.. it can start out as a kiss, then become more passionate and so on but with the full stop a fair bit before the actual act.

That Blond Guy said...

Yeah, I think everyone has realised that. I don't know how many people actually feel that passionately about it anymore. And I know how you feel, because those are the same type of guys I'm attracted to.

EXACTLY!!! That's what I've been saying all along. What if they're awful at it? What if they have formicophilia? Or vorarephilia? Or they're into erotic asphyxia? What if they have a penis? The questions are endless.

Thanks for being such a good reader! Have a great vacation!

Furree Katt: Don't worry. I did too, a little.

Anna: Maybe I should! Can I have their phone number?

-E-: I'm not looking for perfection. I just want to marry someone with a vagina.

L: I don't get it. Isn't Jewish the same as being a Reform Jew? I'm confused. No matter.

rose: I think you may just be right. It sounds like you know your stuff. Would you be willing to represent me in court in the case of such a situation occuring?

That's a great story. I should put it on a t-shirt. Of course, I'd have to shorten it a bit. And edit it a bit. And in the end it might just end up like this: "SEX IS AWESOME. HUMP TEDDIES BUT DON'T EAT PEOPLE."

Kay: I love you too! I thought I'd never hear you say that.

Oh, odds are that many, many have. Worse, what if they're too embarrassed to come out and say what happened? That's why I wrote this post. To reach out to victims of secret-penis-marriages across the world.

Lemons Don't Make Lemonade: Oh, please do!


thinkellen said...

This made me laugh out loud! Certainly the most unique argument I've seen in favour of non-abstinence.

As for myself and my own life, I tend strongly towards the waiting-for-marriage choice... but it obviously not everyone's cup of tea.

And just think of what other things could remain hidden before marriage (besides secret genitalia which, I agree, is perfectly decent grounds for divorce). Your sweetheart could be a sleepwalking water-balloon juggler or a wanted criminal responsible for the world's largest bagel heist. =P