Wednesday, July 6, 2011

I Just Bought a Pair of Ted Danson's Underpants on eBay for Just Under $15,000

Well, I'm actually relatively impressed. A majority of those who commented on the last post are indeed following Death is like a lemon. I'm so touched. In fact, a little tear just ran down my left cheek and fell to the ground, and a rose grew and then blossomed where it landed.

So the poll has finally come to a close. For those of you wondering, yes, the reason I posted that poll was because I have been becoming increasingly conscious of the unnatural amounts of hair growing all over my body. You have no idea how many hours I spend every week sobbing on the cold bathroom floor, an electric razor in one hand and a roll of duct tape in the other.

It's gotten even worse in the past month or so. Maybe it's something I ate, or maybe the fact that I tried to cheat when I last played Jumanji. But it's gotten to be unbearable. I can't fit into any of my clothes, except for a pair of old gray sweatpants and an XXL t-shirt from Wal-Mart that reads "I PUT KETCHUP ON MY KETCHUP." I'm constantly burning hot and insufferably itchy, what with this thick layer of blonde hair covering my body. It takes me a full hour to comb my hair in the mornings, considering it's all over me. Worst of all, I haven't had sex in three weeks, largely because NO ONE CAN FIND MY PENIS.

It was getting harder and harder to hide as well. At first I thought I could just hang out in my house all day and never leave. I could do all of my shopping in the dead of night, or even pay someone to do it for me. But after several weeks of all of the isolation, I became desperate for human interaction.

Since it was the middle of the summer and blisteringly hot, I decided--what better way to meet some people and to relieve myself of the pain of this thick, heavy hair then to go to the beach?

I went heavily cloaked and with sunglasses and a big hat, so that nobody could see what I looked like. I couldn't possibly survive the embarrassment. The beach was pretty crowded, but I couldn't stand not to get into the water. Finally, I slunk as inconspicuously as possible through the herds of bathing suit-clad men and women and children and dived into the water. As I surged further and further into the water, I ran into less and less swimmers, so I shed my cloak and hat until it was just me and my fur and my Wal-Mart t-shirt. I swam deeper and deeper and further into the ocean and it was then that I realised I could breathe underwater.

There I was, nine or ten feet underwater and at least 25 meters from the shore, when I saw a solitary swimmer splashing somewhere above me--a girl, maybe a surfer, somewhere in her late teens. I didn't think much of it at first, but then there awoke inside me a feeling of ravenous hunger and overwhelming desire. Before I realised what I was doing, I was at the surface of the water up there with her, gnashing my teeth and growling noisily. When I came to my senses, I looked in the water around me and saw that it was a deep scarlet, and then there were a number of mutilated body parts floating freely on the surface. Horrified, I thought I should go get help as quickly as possible.

I swam breathlessly to the shore and started shouting that something had happened to the swimmer back there, perhaps a shark attack or something terrible like that. Then there was a woman screaming and pointing at me. In a matter of seconds, the whole beach was in a panic, everyone running out of the water and pointing at me and screaming.

I nodded. "Yes, yes, I know I'm rather hairy, but you don't understand. There's a girl back there who is dead! Something happened to her!"

A little boy of eight or nine yelled at me, "You ate my sister, you fucking sasquatch!"

I shook my head, filled with horror. "What? No I didn't."

"Then why is her blood smeared all over your face?" another woman demanded.

"That's not blood. That's ketchup!" I said, grinning weakly and motioning helplessly to my t-shirt. "See? Ketchup."

They all ran away, though, until I was the only one left on the beach. I heard men shouting in the distance and the sound of gunshots, so I decided to make a quick get-away. First, though, I waded back to that spot in the water and ate the rest of the body parts I found floating on the surface. I felt guilty and embarrassed, but I continued eating anyway.

I've had to spend the rest of my days in hiding, scavenging in dumpsters for food. I sleep during the day and travel during the night alongside the highway, dropping to the ground and holding my breath every time a car goes by. I have to be careful--I've seen the search parties hunting for me all day and all night long.

It's a hard life, and often I wonder what keeps me going. I guess it's just the hope that one day I might find a beautiful princess who will kiss me and turn me into a handsome prince. And even if I don't turn into a handsome prince, maybe she'll love me anyway. It'd be nice to have a wife to pick all of the bugs from my fur and eat them, and maybe bear me some hairy babies too. So I guess what I'm saying is that, at this point, I'm willing to sleep with a monkey to escape all of this pain. It's been a hard month.

Today has been a pretty good day, though. Since my dad is pretty good friends with an artist named Joel Barr, he went with my brother and me to see his studio and poke around for a bit. Afterward, we went to a little contemporary art museum and looked at all of the stuff there. We then went to Urban Plate for lunch, which was my first time there. You know what else? I hated it. If I'd wanted to eat all those vegetables, I'd be a rabbit.

I had a doctor's appointment today too. I'm in perfect shape, and in fact, they think I might even be superhuman. I tell you, doctors are getting more and more nosy these days. They ask you all sorts of personal questions.

"Personally, Christopher, I don't think it's healthy for teenagers to have sex when not in a serious, committed relationship. By the way, are you having sex? Is it good sex? What kind of sex is it? If you could use three adjectives to describe your last sexual experience, what would it be? What's the name of the last girl you had sex with? Is she attractive? Were you satisfied by her performance? Do you think she was satisfied with yours?"

Tonight, I watched Dan in Real Life for the first time ever, starring Steve Carrell with a great soundtrack of Sondre Lerche. For those of you who haven't seen it but enjoy sentimental albeit fun and light romance family films, then I definitely suggest you watch it. One of my favourite movies of the summer so far.

I think maybe one of the most raw and simple, yet somehow most satisfying and fulfilling, happiness that exists in this world is that when you watch a predictable, yet well-done, romantic comedy that has a great script and cast, but ends just how you think it should end.

I might add as a side note that, contrary to popular belief of readers on this blog, I am NOT gay. Wondering how that's possible? So am I.

I also had a lot of spare time today, so I sat down and surprised myself by reading every single word from the blog The Story, a blog written by a blogging team which features an ongoing narrative following a character named Bo and his wild, nonsensical, drug-induced adventures. They alternate who adds on to the story and then leaves it abruptly for the next member to continue.

They are almost--almost--as insane as I am, and it is hilarious and amazing and awe-inspiring to read that blog and see what happens to the story. The next time you have any free time at all, I suggest you sit down to it and start from the beginning with a bag of chocolate pretzles in one hand and a Diet Pepsi in the other. Actually, I read most of it with a hand down my pants, because it's just that amazing. I also suggest you read some of the comments, which are breath-takingly hysterical and perhaps the best part of the whole experience.

Bonne nuit, mes pr├ęcieuses, petits concombres.

That Blond Guy

11 people secretly have a crush on me:

Bookish.Spazz said...

Dan In Real Life was a pretty good movie. I went to see it with my friend Hannah and her family, and her parents gave the most colorful commentary.

My dad isn't friends with any artists... Unless you count his friend Jimmy McDuffy who does tattoos, and my dad hates tattoos... No lie. My dad has the weirdest friends.

RainboRevolver said...

I think hairy guys are where those teen werewolf myths all began... just sayin'.

I hate awkward doctors who assume that you're a juvenile delinquent simply based on your age!! In my case, I really am, but that's beside the point! What's worse is discussing sex with a medical professional... they make everything sound so clinical, it's skeezy.

Anyway, have a nice day.

InnocentlyGreen said...

I might give that movie a try, but in all honesty, romantic comedies make me sleepy. I prefer the kind of weird psychological movies where you have no idea what just happened until the last 10 minutes of the movie.

Speaking of weird, in one of your older posts you quoted that poem by William Hughes Mearns from the beginning of the movie Identity. There was a short story similar to it that I read years ago and I thought you would like. Took long, but I tracked it down. It's called Blue Notebook No. 10 and was written by Daniil Kharms. And this is a link to the actual story.

Bookish.Spazz said...

I just ran into this and had to share it with you.

Anna said...

A good romantic comedy?! I can't remember the last time I've seen one of those. Since it has Steve Carrell, I suppose I'll give it a try.

Hahaha, I hate doctor's like that. My doctor does the same thing, except for me he kicks my mom out of the room and asks me if I'm subject to child abuse by my parents. I think that's just because they're from the Soviet Union though, where evidently child abuse was enforced by communists. But I digress.

Lemons Don't Make Lemonade said...


No, that wasn't the only reason I decided to comment.

I can sympathize with the hair growth. I'm a girl and naturally more sensitive about this, plus I'm Asian so my body hair is more obvious. Of course, I shave my legs and stuff, but I can't help obsessing over my arm hair.



P.S I pimped you on my blog. You're amazing. said...

Maybe you're just going through a 'teen wolf' phase? If you are, beware of following Michael J Fox too far along the path... you don't want to get parkinsons...

I'd recommend a long bath in Nair. I did it once, and it felt awesome.

As far as the doctors asking about sex, this could be fun. Snarky answers like "She didn't like it when I put it in her butt, but then she stopped screaming when I..." could make for an interesting visit.

Smokey_Cat said...

feeling warm all the time? Hair growing on your body? Awkward sex talk with the doctor?

um, maybe it is puberty?

how old are you again?

haha, I'm kidding ;)

ellen ~ said...

Response to a comment you left on a recent post:
I took those photos at Pine cone camping in Sussex, when my friend took me down to see the cows. It's for reasons like that I carry my camera around everywhere.

And also, I'm glad you're not afraid to cry in front of other people. Bravery, that's what that is. My friends think I have it, but I don't. :)

Thanks :)

Christopher said...

Bookish.Spazz: "Pretty good movie?!" How about, "I was so amazed when I saw it that in a moment of total delirium I began unconsciously chewing on my left sock."

Wow. What's your dad like?

Julia: Well, they're certainly the ones who write the scripts for the movies.

I hate those doctors too. Then they have too go feel my penis as if it's no big deal and not call me back for, like, a year! Do I mean ANYTHING to them?

InnocentlyGreen: Then you might not like this one. I have an unhealthy fascination with romantic comedies. I approve of anything sappy and predictable as long as it has a good cast and soundtrack.

Wow, you're right. I love that! Very weird.

Bookish.Spazz Evil Twin: Wow. That was disturbing. Thank you for that.

Anna: I can't believe you people.

Yeah, my doctor does the same. Are your parents really from the SU? That's neat-o.

Lemons Don't Make Lemonade: YAY I DID. Thank you so much for choosing to comment. AND for following my other blog! You're my best friend in the whole wide world!!!

I'm a girl too. Did you not know that?

And thank you so much for linking to me!!!!! I'll have to return the favour ASAP. Maybe I am. And I actually wouldn't mind Parkinson's. I've heard one patient with Parkinson's say that it's like one enormous, life-long orgasm. Which I guess explains all of the tremors.

I have my own method of hair removal. It's called slash and burn agriculture.

Ha ha I'll try that next time.

Smokey_Cat: Dammit, you caught me! I'm 12. Almost 13, though!!!

ellen~: Neat-o.

I do quite a lot of crying. I'm very practiced at it. Wanna see me do it now?

You should follow my blog. That would be a really, really good idea.

issy said...

ok sooo wow!!!!!!! that was supa long but t=funny and interesting!!!! :D issy and would lik to be your friend and follow u so i can laugh some more :D!!!!