Monday, July 25, 2011

Part 2 out of 3 of a Story That Is Not Way Based on Stephen King's Best-Selling Novel "Misery"

Twenty-six hours had passed since the moment I regained consciousness and met Anabelle Walker, but it seemed like an eternity, especially because I was so drugged up. Turns out that she had more in her medicine cabinet than "Anabelle's Happy Pillz." In the day since I had woken up, she had fed me enough Tylenol, Zoloft, and Vagisil to tranquilize a wild stallion. Which, according to the tattoo I got on my chest last month, is exactly what I am.

Under normal conditions, the unbelievable doses of this medication she was giving me, coupled with my critical condition, would have instantly killed me. Fortunately, I built up an unbreakable tolerance against all three of these drugs during my brief but intense OTC drug addiction back in February. (Did you know that you can smoke Benodryl?) Thanks to that, the drugs just left me in a state of pleasurable numbness.

Anabelle came into my room three times in that twenty-six hours. The first time occured only fifteen minutes after she first left it. She rolled in a tiny, ancient, black-and-white television on a little cart, along with two ice cream sundaes and some more of my pills.

"I thought we could eat some sundaes and watch a movie together, Christopher!" she said hopefully, maybe even a little nervously.

"Well, that sounds great, Anabelle," I said gently. "You're so considerate."

She blushed a little and quickly handed me my sundae. After watching me take a few bites, swallow my pills, and force an appreciate smile, she stood up and put in the VCR, which turned out to be An Affair to Remember.

After she got it started up and sat down beside me, she took a few bites, I took a few bites, and then she started smearing the ice cream all over her face and arms. When I cast a startled, sidelong glance at her, she laughed loudly and said, "Look, Christopher! I'm a snowman."

I gave a terrified little chuckle and turned back to the movie, not knowing else what to do but hope she wasn't going to ask me to lick it off of her. She was probably one of the ugliest women I'd ever met: fat, masculine, and smelly. So it was all the more repulsive for me when she pretended to yawn and then slipped her arm around my shoulder.

It was all I could do to sit and suffer in silence when she ran her fingers through my hair and slid her tongue into my left ear.

The second time that she came to visit me was a few hours later, at what I assumed was dinner time. Her mood was drastically different. Somehow she had shifted from the cheerful, energetic personality she had adopted during the first visit. She was instead distant and removed, with a blank expression on her face. For dinner she brought me a raw egg on a plate.

"Here's your dinner," she said, placing it absently on my lap, causing pain to surge through my legs once again.

"And also, I brought you this," she added without emotion, holding up a enormous, dead rat by its tail. "You can have it now if you like, or I can just keep it for you right here." And she laid it gently on the floor.

"Anabelle, are you okay?" I asked, petrified.

In answer, she grabbed her bottom lip between her thumb and forefinger and started twisting in until it bled. I watched her helplessly, paralyzed with fear. She didn't stop there, either. She unbuttoned her blouse in front of me, removed it, and ate it, sucking it up like a noodle of spaghetti. After her blouse, she went on to eat her humongous bra, her plaid skirt, and my underwear she had been wearing, all of which she sucked up with relish, slurpling noisily, with the same expressionless look in her face.

As she stood before my bed, stark naked and hideous, her eyes finally seem to adjust a little and land on mine.

"No. It's the rain. Sometimes it gives me the blues," she finally managed.

I neglected to mention, out of fear, that it wasn't raining outside. She continued talking.

"I have a gun in my upstairs bedroom. Sometimes I think about using it. Loading it with three bullets. One for you, one for me, and one for my pet goldfish who I named after Dennis the Menace, because I think he has a sort of mischevious exprssion on his face."

"No, Anabelle!" I said hurriedly. "It's not time yet. We should at least wait until the end of the month, shouldn't we? Suicide pacts should NEVER be carried out in the month of July. It's just bad luck."

"I suppose so," she sighed. "In that case, I think I'm going to go to my Laughing Place for a while. I don't know when I'll be back, but I think I should handcuff you to the bed and stick a rag in your mouth for good measure." She went on to do both of these things, without saying a word. The rag was disgusting and almost made me vomit, and she really shoved it far into my mouth, so far that I worried about choking.

After a moment she paused and said, "I really do love you, Christopher. Your underwear was delicious. Better than any I've ever had."

With that, she left. All of this occured in the first three hours of the aforementioned twenty six hours. She was gone for, I later figured out, around twenty three more hours. My stomach panged so painfully with hunger and my body hurt so profoundly that I thought about just swallowing the rag so that I could finally die and let it all be over with. But something kept me going.

I started drifting in and out of the darkness again, forgetting who I was, and all I could remember was Anabelle's terrible, ugly face. I did seriously consider letting myself choke on the rag, but in the end, I just didn't do it.

When she finally did come, I heard the car door slam loudly, and I awoke from my deep sleep. My stomach was stinging with hunger, my throat was dry and digusting, and my body hurt all over. I lay there in delirious fear as I listened to her throw open the front door and storm through the hallway toward my room.

She exploded through the bedroom door, marched up to me with a livid expression on her face, and tore the rag from my mouth.


I was sincerely puzzled. "Anabelle," I said. "Who is Misery Chastain?"

She paused and looked thoughtful. Evidently she had not considered this.

"I guess I don't know," she said finally. "But I'm still going to cut off your legs and left thumb, Mister Man."

I won't trouble you guys with the details, because I know that's not what you're here for. But I will tell you to imagine the most excruciating pain you've ever felt, multiply that by exactly six and a half bajillion, and then imagine that pain being administered to you by a young Kathy Bates. That, folks, is what I had to go through while Anabelle Walker lopped off my legs and left thumb with an axe.

After it was over and she left, I sat there, weeping and screaming at God. I had to get out of there, I thought desperately. One way or another, I was going to escape the clutches of Anabelle Walker. That, or die trying.


By the way, readers of The Nerd Archives, I'd like to remind the new readers of the blog to check out my other blog, Death is like a lemon, which can be found on the top of the page. I think you'll find it quite, how you say, enjoyable. I've recently written a poem series on the lake I stayed at this summer, so if you're into poetry, do check it out.

Also, everybody please look at the top of the right sidebar to notice 1) the homework assignment I've given all of my readers for this week which I expected EVERYONE to complete by next Monday and 2) my newest poll, which you should vote on promptly. If you'll look a little lower, you'll notice I changed my profile picture. I was aiming for sexy and mysterious, but ended up with something in between deeply disturbed and inexplicably furious. Don't make too much fun of me, okay?

That Blond Guy

15 people secretly have a crush on me:

Anonymous said...

Oh, I am making fun.
虽然我很喜欢你的博客,我的心里有冰淇淋 - 没有你 。

Katie said...

Homework, huh?

Katie said...


That Bastard From Bellingham said...

Y'know, strangely enough I just now noticed that you put all the speaking parts in purple.

I gotta admit, I really dig your literary style! Then again, that's why I'm followin' you...

Boyd said...


Boyd said...

Drew do good???

Vice Versa said...

I've never heard of an affair to remember. is it any good? it sounds dumb.

I used to eat raw egg when i was little. it was a little bit cooked, but mostly raw and liquidy. i ate it with honey. everyone else found it disgusting.

She killed the rat? how evil. I hate her. harming innocent creatures.

Did she tell you what exactly a laughing place is? cuz it sounds interesting. i want a laughing place of my own.

Oh my God, now i'm hyperventilating. she chopped off your left thumb! you will never be able to text with both hands again. this is terrible.
and your legs! how ill you escape? you're gonna die, aren't you? i knew it.

ps. i hate homework. usually, i do it in the morning at school, sometimes (mostly) copying off a friend. sowwie.

andd, i like your profile picture :)
i was afraid your face in real life wouldn't fit in with the one in my head, but i like it :) AND youre really blonde :D

Bookish.Spazz said...

I'm actually going to be a man about this and not use you as my non-anonymous "Bitch!"

I'll just use one of the above commentors, who I know will not be offended.

As for the poll, I'm surprised that I was the first one to vote for Brad Pitt... Daniel Radcliffe and Jake Gyllenhaal were both tied for second, but Brad's lips are just... mmmmm...

Oh, and Taylor Lautner has a nice body, but his nose bothers me. Also, did you vote for yourself six times? That wasn't meant to be an insult by the way. Just curious.

Your new picture makes you look like an anarchist. You have a nice jawline.

That Blond Guy said...

Cosette: What I gathered from a collaboration of multiple online translators was that although you love my blog, there is only ice cream in your heart - not me.

Say whaaaaat?

Katie: That's mean. YOU GETS AN F MINUS!!!

That Bastard from Bellingham: Yeah, I guess I am pretty amazing.

Boyd: Drew do bad! Drew do very, very bad!!!

Vice Versa: Ah, I love long comments. Thank you so much. An Affair to Remember is okay, but I think its reputation surpasses it.

That is pretty disgusting. I had a friend who ate plain sticks of butter when she was kid.

Her laughing place? I guess it's where you go to laugh. idk beanz.

Well, I suppose you'll just have to wait until the end of the story to find out what happens.

And thank you for saying you like my face. Yes, I am really blonde. It's a gift...and a curse.

Bookish.Spazz: Good for you! Go tell that to Drew and Katie. Those bitchez.

WHAT YOU DIDN'T VOTE FOR ME HOW COULD YOU?!? And whenever I think of Taylor Lautner, I think of the movie Shark Boy and Lava Girl, and it's really weird. Actually, I'm delighted to say that I didn't vote for myself at all. Besides, you can't vote more than once on this poll. If you're interested, I voted for Daniel, but now I'm regretting it because he's beating me.

Madeline Hammersmark said...

Needz moar pictars.

L. said...

I'm jealous of your blond hair. I really am. Your jawline is impeccable. This is coming from me - I am the person who watches movies and notices people's faces, not what they are actually saying. You only look slightly deranged, but this is coming from someone who has the TARDIS as their profile picture.

Oh, and BITCH!

(I felt like expediting the process. Sorry; I like to do things the easy way.)

DB said...

Solo hablo un poco espanol pero estoy trabajando en eso.

Also, yeah, I read the book Fight Club prior to watching the movie, so the movie didn't strike me quite as much. The book is great.

Me encanta Regina Spektor tambien. Ella es muy fantastica.

Also, your taste in movies is great. Just about all of them are my favorite movies.

And I'm not offended by the fact that you don't like the song. :) I listen to everything, so I'm used to people not liking some of my favorite songs.

Red Sunshine said...

LOL at the homework assignment. I'll def try to check out ur other blog sometimes.


Katie said...

I'm mean? Really? Well then.
I think you should get an F minus for failing to specify that we couldn't comment on your blog, if that's how you feel.

Vice Versa, among other things, I used to eat books, Christmas trees, and carnations. I was a weird kid.

dirtycowgirl said...

Homework ?
Fuck off ! I never did any when I was at school so I'll be damned if I'm doing it now.
Now if you dared me then I might be tempted. Never could resist a dare.
I have voted though - and YES YES YES, but only if he wears the rubber suit.

Ps saw what you said about my name - don't be concerned. It's not what you might think, if you really want to know why it's in the about me page on my blob.