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Tuesday, May 17, 2011

You Know, Obese People Have Really Great Calves

They're walking around like little planets with their own moons and gravitational pull, and everywhere they go, people are turning their heads away in disgust. Looking at them for very long may make you feel a little sick to your stomach, but if you look a bit harder, you'll notice that they really do have fantastic calves. People who are morbidly obese, especially, have calves that are to die for.

(Giggle.)

Get it?

This day has actually been a decent one. This is my last week of school, so I'm totally pumped. Like a bike. (That's just been pumped up.) They even had ice cream at the ampitheater for any student who was willing to give the Dean of Students a kiss on the cheek in return for a Klondike bar. What would I do for a Klondike bar?

...I don't want to talk about it.

Somehow I also managed to get straight A's this semester, which I'm pretty happy about it. I thought I had a B or a C in English, so I don't know how in the mad mad mad mad mad mad world I scraped an A. I think my English teacher thought I was going to kill myself, so she was doing her part to save me from doing myself in. I don't know what gave her that idea. Maybe the fact that I write "I want to kill myself" on the backs of all my tests and doodle pictures of people with screwdrivers in their heads on my desk.

I've also been reading and re-reading and memorising this poem by William Hughes Mearns which opened for the movie Identity with John Cusack:

Yesterday upon the stair
I met a man who wasn’t there
He wasn’t there again today
Oh, how I wish he’d go away


When I came home last night at three
The man was waiting there for me
But when I looked around the hall
I couldn’t see him there at all!
Go away, go away, don’t you come back any more!
Go away, go away, and please don’t slam the door


Last night I saw upon the stair
A little man who wasn’t there
He wasn’t there again today
Oh, how I wish he’d go away


Isn't that the creepiest thing you've ever read? Even creepier, I think, than Christopher Walken doing a dramatic reading of Lady Gaga's Poker Face.

It freaks my brother out of his mind. When it's dark and late at night, I go into his room and start whispering the poem in a barely audible, childlike British accent. He gets really worked up and says, "What's that? Who's there? Is that Christopher?" And I answer, "No, this is a cow. I'm a cow. And I'm going to eat you." Don't ask me why, but it really freaks him out. I guess he doesn't like cows.

They're also passing out issues of our school's literary magazine, and I have one poem and one short story in there. They also completely disregarded the drawings and page layouts I submitted, but it's okay, because I've banished them to the corn fields and they won't be bothering me no more. I also turned one of them into a giant Jack in the Box, but that sort of came back to haunt me, because those things scare the fuck out of me.

She said hello to me today. Which is, I think, a first. Usually, I'm the first to say hello. Even though I sort of whisper it. From my hidden spot in the bushes.

My friends have sensed that I've been seeming a bit depressed lately, so they suggested that I start reading FML, because they know how much pleasure I take out of witnessing other people's pain. But you know what? They're just too depressing. I'm used to My Life is Average, which is a branch off from FML that's far less obscene and disturbing, so I was totally shocked when I read FML.

1 out of 10 stories are genuinely hilarious, like this one:

"Today, my 5 year old nephew showed me green martians he'd made with his new Play Doh set. I smiled and said, "Wow! Now, how about some blue martians!" He looked at me and replied, 'How about some blue shut the fuck up!' FML"

But the rest are so depressing and shocking that even I have trouble reading them. They're like, "Today my dog died, I found out that my twin sister is pregnant with my husband's baby, and I got AIDs. FML."

And then all of the comments are just like, "HA!" or "that sucks." How do people take pleasure out of reading those? Ironically, though, I did feel much better by the end of it. I think it was because, by that time, I was pretty drunk. I even taped myself shaving my head and posted the video on YouTube. It's a bit embarrassing, but I'm getting tons of hits, I never have to worry about head lice, and I sold my hair for, like, almost $90!!!

I can't believe that almost a year and a half has passed since I started this blog. Sometimes I think back to my old self and wonder, Where did he go?

Then I remember that I'm an ogre, and I ate him.

Cheers,
That Blond Guy

14 people secretly have a crush on me:

Gabi said...

THAT POEM. THAT POEM. THAT POEM.
I will memorize that now.

Boyd said...

Kinda terrifying poem, now I'm gonna start seeing shadow people again...and I'd just gotten over that!!

FML's are pretty bleak, but in small doses I enjoy them. Like, teensy doses.

What's up with all these schools getting out already? we still have over a month left...arggg!!!

Bookish.Spazz said...

Nice Twilight Zone reference. No one else will probably catch it, but then again, they're not me.

And you're right about the calve thing... I've always noticed that, but yeah... just one of those things.

There's only one thing I would do for a Klondike bar.

Eeshie said...

You know, these past few weeks I've been really down and have barely kept up with...anything, really.

But you linked to the Christopher Walken reading in this post, and that seriously made my day.

Thanks. A lot. I needed something like that.

:-)

RainboRevolver said...

Ok, several things involving the poem:
1) I had to memorize that for an English project last semester..
2) Dramatic readings are my LIFE!! And you think I'm kidding!
3) Christopher Walken. Ha.

Ahhh last week of school. It's mine too, well, my last full week anyway. I have 2 and a half days next week. ANYWAY. I realized I haven't said hi in a while, so Hi there Christopher, you make me smile.

-Jules

chelsea said...

How is it that you can write those things on the back of all your tests and not get sent to the school counselor for suicide watch when I got sent to three sessions for throwing a water balloon at an obese girl in middle school on the basis that I had discipline issues and lacked self esteem??? She didn't even have that great of calves.

Sarah said...

I totally forgot the FML website existed, thanks for reminder :)

InnocentlyGreen said...

Thanks for posting that poem. I love it and it seems I knew it without knowing who wrote it. There were some dry jokes in the same style, but of course I can't remember who wrote them... I'll get back to you on that.

L. said...

My history teacher did a dramatic song reading once. Except it was Black and Yellow by Wiz Kaliban or whatever (Like my subtle reference to Shakespeare?) It was terrifying, partially because he whistles through his teeth when he talks, sort of like the gopher/groundhog from Winnie the Pooh. Terrifying. Just like Lady Gaga. But Christopher Walken is totally awesome.

Hannah Marie said...

I HATE jack in the boxes too! they scare the bajeezers out of me hahaha like in the movie Elf! when he has to test the jack in the boxes. scariest part of the movie :(

Lemons Don't Make Lemonade said...

FML is like, the bible of all sad things.

Every time I feel like the universe is against me, I read some of the best ones.

And then I walk away thinking, "Unicorns are pretty. My life is awesome. I have no aids. YAY."

Vice Versa said...

That poem. it's so creepy. but i love it.
i wrote it down and pinned it on my softboard.
for some reason, the very last part of the post made me sad. I don't really know why.

That Blond Guy said...

Gabi: Not a good idea. I've memorised it, and it haunts me in all of my waking thoughts.

Boyd: Yeah, sorry about that. I'm the same way about FML. If I read them for too long, I get this gross, sticky feeling in my chest that I can't get out for the rest of the day. Not even if I take a shower.

I'm OFFICIALLY DONE with school!!!

Bookish.Spazz: I'm delighted someone caught it. I don't think anyone else picked up on it either.

What would you do?

Eeshie: Sorry about that. I know the feeling. But I'm glad I could help.

RainboRevolver:
1) You HAD to? You mean you GOT to.
2) I do think you're kidding.
3) Did you know that when Christopher Walken gets his movie scripts, he adds in all of his own punctuation? I guess that's the reason he always sounds like he has something stuck in his throat.

Thanks so much for saying hello. I just finished with school yesterday!

And when you signed off as "Jules," it reminded me of Juliet from Psych, and then I got sad because Psych has gotten so bad recently.

Chelsea: Throwing water balloons at obese people? That's kinda harsh, don't you think? I think it's best to take pictures of them and laugh at them behind their backs. But water balloons?

Sarah: I LOVE the name Sarah!

InnocentlyGreen: Yeah, I felt the same way. I was certain I had heard it before, but I couldn't possibly have. I guess it has something to do with the unconscious mind.

L: I don't get it. What was the Shakespeare reference?

I feel awful for people who have to talk publicly or read outloud when they have little speech impediments like that. I just want to beat them until they're out cold to save them the embarrassment.

Hannah Marie: I loved that scene! Did you know that the actor who played Ralphie in the Christmas Story was in the movie Elf?

Lemons Don't Make Lemonade: Well, I think the Bible is really the bible of sad things.

I feel the same way. Except I do have AIDs. :(

Vice Versa: See? Isn't it the most genius poem ever written?

Why did it make you sad? The old Christopher isn't all gone. He's very warm and comfortable inside my ogre tummy.

chelsea said...

It was Spring Fling day! That's what you did on the one day of the year classes are canceled for a day of water games. I didn't mention that, but for that reason I shouldn't be judged as being a mean person...