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Friday, May 13, 2011

I'm So Angry I Could Chop You All Up into Little Pieces and Spoon-Feed You to Hannibal Lector, Who I Keep Chained Up in My Basement

Today has been such a bad day. It was such a bad day, I got home from school, went upstairs to my bedroom, took the pillowcase off of my pillow, and covered my head with it in frustration. Then I cheered up a bit, because I thought I must have looked pretty cool, so I ran downstairs and scared my brother and sister, shouting "I'm the pillowcase boogie man! Booo!" It was a pretty good gag, but then I rememebered how depressed I was and got depressed. I ate a lot of cheez puffs then, because I thought it would be cool if I could get a big enough potbelly to stick my entire fist between the pockets of fat in my stomach. Then I got really full and started crying, but I kept eating more because I couldn't stop. Then my sister walked in with a camera and started taking pictures of me eating cheez puffs and crying, so I cried even harder and eating more and more cheez puffs. Now the pictures are all over the web. It's a huge mess.

No, I'm lying. And I know I shouldn't lie, because I saw that Veggie Tales episode where the little asparagus girl told a fib and a fib alien landed on earth from outer space, and every time she told a fib it got bigger and bigger, until it was bigger than the entire city. Then, actually, they figured out that it was edible and fed the entire continent of Africa along with Southeast Asia. But it didn't taste that great, either, so lying is still bad, I think.

I mean to say that my day was not as bad as I made it sound. There were good things and bad things. I'll tell you about the bad things first so we can get them out of the way. Like eating green beans before your ice cream.

BAD THINGS:



1) At an elementary school reunion last night, I was really looking forward to seeing a girl I've always really liked, but she couldn't make it because she had exams. I never get to see her otherwise because she's my sister's friend but not too good of a friend so it would be awkward if we hung out but also I never get to see her walking around the house in pajamas because they never have sleepovers. So instead I went home and carved a figure of her face out of a bar of soap, and we talked for a while, and then eventually we kissed. It was nice: kissing without it having to lead anywhere.

2) My friend has a gigantic crush on this girl at school, but he's so nervous he can't even talk to her. Me and another friend finally coaxed him into sitting at a table with her and her friends during lunch, but it didn't go well. At one point, they started mock-bickering in front of this girl and her friends, and I, feeling the need to explain to her that they were just joking, said, "Don't worry about it. They're just joking. They're good friends." Friend #2 misheard me and thought I said that they were each other's only friends, so he retorted by saying, "What the heck do you mean?! We're your only friends!" Now, I do have more than two friends from school. I like to think I have a fair amount of friends. But considering I'm really insecure, pretty shy, and a bit of an outsider, it really offended me when he said this. I'm very sensitive--even though other guys may joke about crying at the ends of sad movies, I actually do. So it stung a good deal. I'm pretty mad at him and am plotting how to get back at him and make him feel guilty.

3) I promised myself that I would make a move on at least one girl at some point today. I struck up a conversation about our favourite types of bugs with the Jewish blonde girl in my science class, but her friend tugged her away after fifteen seconds to go do girlie stuff like...eating cooties. Or something. With another girl, I decided to use the short-and-sweet pick-up line, "I want you," to win her over, but the only time I saw her she was surrounded by a herd of cattle. Cows freak me out, so I couldn't possibly approach her. And now I'm really depressed.

4) I'm uber-frustrated because all of the gadgets that are supposed to go on my sidebar still refuse to remain on my sidebar, instead choosing to lurk down at the bottom of the page. It's like trying to nail a pint of apple juice to the wall. You nail and nail and nail, but no matter what you do, it always splashes down to the floor. Then you find yourself on your hands and knees licking it up like a kitten.

5) I'm not going to be able to exempt all of my exams, which means an extra week of school. I don't mind taking exams. I love taking exams almost as much as I love line-dancing and hunting for pictures of Stephen King's penis on Google Images. But an extra week of exams also means I can't fly to outer space with a good friend this week like I promised him.

6) I was reading a book today. I had been reading for about twenty minutes when all of a sudden I couldn't turn the page. I don't know why. I just couldn't. I then looked down and realised that I didn't have any arms or legs. They were just gone. So that sucks.

7) I found out today that my current girlfriend is a man. HOW COULD YOU, CHARLES?!?

8) I accidentally beat up a homeless man and left him bleeding on the sidewalk. Now the police after me and I have to hide in the refrigerator for probably the next few days. I'm texting this post from a banana.

9) I died.

GOOD THINGS:




1) I was walking along the sidewalk today after school and a gaggle of giggling teenage girls walked up to me and asked me how old I am. I told them. They told me that they liked my hair and left. I chased after them for a bit, and I did tear off a piece of one girl's skirt, but mostly the episode was just important for my self-esteem.

2) Halfway through science class today, this guy asked me jokingly if once I died, he could have all of my stuff. I told him laughingly that if that was supposed to be a joke, it was the worst joke I ever heard, and he should go to hell. Another girl asked me if I died, could she have my hair? I asked her what she wanted to do with it. She said she would make it into a hat and wear it every minute of every day. I suppose that could be interpreted as slightly creepy, but it's really rather flattering, don't you think?

3) I currently have 106 followers on The Nerd Archives. I'm happy and everything, but now I want more. Let's make the push for 200. What do you say, guys? The Nerd Archives: Facebook it? Tweet it?

4) I got an A+ on my math quiz. I guess cheating, um, helps.

5) I learned how to count to twenty in Norwegian. I've been showing practically everyone I know. I'm not even joking. It's really starting to annoy people. I'm getting a bit obsessive too. I wrote the numbers on all of the walls of my bedroom in sharpie, and I've been told I murmur them in my sleep.

6) I've been working out for the past couple of months and I think it's really showing. None of my shirts fit anymore, and I can't feel it when people punch me in the stomach. My neck is finally wider than my head, and I can lift up the backs of small cars on my good days. I can't touch my hands together, though, and it hurts to fall asleep in a reclined position. I've had to sleep standing up for...I don't know how many days now.

7) I got a hand-written note back from Markuz Zusack, author of The Book Thief and I Am the Messenger. It's been an entire year, but it was totally worth it. He drew a smiley face at the end right next to his signature. I think I've fallen in love.

8) I had sex with a vampire pirate chick.

9) I was lounging around campus at school one day when I saw a girl and a guy working on homework on a bench together. The guy looked hung up over a math problem or something, so he dropped his textbook on the lap of the girl. She protested and shouted, "Hey, don't give that to me!" And I was hit by a sudden wave of inspiration: that would make a great anti-AIDs campaign!!!

I'd like to conclude this post with an apology for the infrequency of the posts as well as my inconsistency in commenting on your blogs. I'll definitely work to fix these problems, just make sure that until then you keep reading The Nerd Archives and telling me how awesome I am.

And finally, to the girl who taught me that there is such a thing as a soul mate and such a thing as a pitiless God, I hope you know that not a day goes by that I don't think of you.

Cheers,
That Blond Guy

15 people secretly have a crush on me:

PeaceLoveandSharpies said...

I don't know how much this will help, but to counter all the things in the bad day part of your post *attacks you with a super hug of epicness and sprinkles love and smiles all over you*

I hope that made you smile. At least a little. :)

Boyd said...

Was the friend you were gonna go to space with Tom Hanks? Just wondering...

Nico Morley said...

If you don't read my most recent Sims update, you won't see that I used the word "penis" as instructed.

Lemons Don't Make Lemonade said...

I was going to comment on your bad day until I read "I've been working out for the past couple of months..."

And that's when I got distracted.

DUDE. YOU'RE ON YOUR WAY TO FAME, GLORY, AND BLOND PLAYBODY BUNNIES.

(When you have a six pack, call me.)

Jokes aside, I'm sorry you had a bad day. It's nothing compared to mine though - I THREW UP.

chelsea said...

I prefer to carve potatoes over soap. They make wonderful Easter Island heads.

Victoria said...

do you ever tell the truth?

That Blond Guy said...

PeaceLoveandSharpies: Thank you. That was, in fact, very helpful.

Boyd: No, he's not talking to me anymore ever since I slept with his sister. Who even knew he had a sister? Geez.

Nico Morley: Great! Penis.

Lemons Don't Make Lemonade: It took you that long to get distracted? This whole post is distractedness.

I wish I was on my way to fame, glory, and blond playboy bunnies. Really, though, all I have to look forward to is death.

I threw up in my day too. Twice. Wait, actually, three times. But sorry you had a bad day too.

Chelsea: No. Potatoes are for eating.

Victoria: You'd be surprised to know that well over half of this post is true.

Bookish.Spazz said...

Man, I feel like everyone's day has been horrible. But I'm quite sure your's is the worst.

L. said...

I feel that just surviving Friday the 13 is a good day in an of itself. So congratulations on surviving Friday the 13. Good on you. And I hope that it makes you feel better that I too would want to wear your hair as a hat. Even though I've never seen your hair. I do imagine it to be glorious, and blond. Sort of like a blond Simba's mane, AKA AWESOME.

Gabi said...

I really want that banana you're texting from. I've always wanted a phone shaped like a banana, actually. I wrote a song about it. Not kidding.

(And I'm sorry about your bad day D: )

Anna said...

Bahaha, this whole post made me laugh. I'm totally following you now :D

Lexa Be said...

As always, this makes me laugh. It's always kind of awkward when I'm sitting in the school computer lab laughing loudly in the middle of an otherwise nearly silent room. People stare, but I think it's mostly because they are just jealous of me.... or because my friend next to me keeps playing the penis game... not sure which they're staring about. Hmmm....

- Lexa Be

Adrienne said...

I wonder if you talk really fast in real life..

The Militant Working Boy said...

I didn't see the quotation marks and thought your pickup line was "I want you to win her over but the only time I saw her she was surrounded by a herd of cattle. Cows freak me out"

And for a minute there I felt very happy that I wasn't the only person who introduces themself by saying that. Then I noticed the quotation marks and screamed because now my day is worse than yours, you evil, evil man.

Eeshie said...

I'm sorry about #2 on your list of "Bad Things." That's fucking rude of him to say.

:(

Again. Sorry.