Surveys Make Me Hot in My Pants, But Not in a Sexual Sense--Whenever I Take a Blogger Survey, I Stick a Warm Enchilada Down my Jeans to Stay Alert

Name?
Christopher

Is your name on Blogger your name in real life? If not, what letter does your real name start with?
Oh, yeah. Sure. "That Blond Guy" is my real name. No, it's not, actually. I was being sarcastic. God, do you even think before you speak? Did your mama drop you on your head when you were born and then feed you stupid pills until you were seven-years-old? Do you still sometimes buy stupid pills from the pharmacy because your ignorance makes you feel safe? Do you harbour painful, repressed memories about your mother? Now, how does that make you feel? Oh, and my name begins with a C.

Astrological sign?
Penis.

If there was a huge 'Blogspot Get-Together' where all bloggers were meant to come together and meet in real-life, would you go?
This is actually a pretty cool question. Congratulations, mysterious blogging-survey robot monkey who wrote this. Actually, that would be pretty chill. I would go if it was in a cool city. And everyone who reads my blog would shake my hand and pretend to be interested in me, but then they would go off and talk to each other and leave me shuffling my feet with my hands in my pockets in the corner of the room. But that would definitely be very interesting to meet everybody.

Have you ever rejected someone?
Never. I'm usually the recipient of rejection.

If so, was it harshly?
Um, did you hear what I just said?

Did they cry?
Are you even listening to me? Hey! Look at me! (Claps hands twice.) Eyes on me, buddy. Are you listening to what I'm saying? I've never rejected anyone.

Have you ever tried a cigarette?
No, and I have to say I think smoking is the stupidest thing ever invented. Absolute, scathing hatred of smokers is hereditary on my dad's side of the family, and so I don't associate myself with people who do smoke. I don't talk to them. I don't look at them. I don't even acknowledge that such a thing as smoking exists. I think it's ridiculous. It's bad for the earth, it's a surefire way to get lung cancer and other diseases, and it's just infuriating to people around you who don't smoke! Do you even think about the people around you when you pop that wretched thing in your mouth with the car windows rolled up and the heating system on high? How can you be so selfish as to smoke? Be more respectful of yourself and other people.

Have you ever been high? If so, on what?
Oh, now that's a different story.

What are six things you find attractive when in the opposite gender?
En) Blonde hair, blue-eyed, and Jewish. Yes, it's a real thing. And it's awesome.
To) Funny and has a sense of humour, but can't be funnier than I am. Yes, I have confidence issues.
Tre) French name
Fire) Intelligent and well-read, yet not sickly and pale
Fem) Weirder and even more out of it than I am
Seks) Tallness and physical strength. I want a woman who can wrestle me into bed

What are five things you find extremely unattractive in the opposite gender?
Oh, it's down to five now? Okay, then.
Eins) Being a Republican, fundamental Christian, or a Libertarian
Zwei) A fan of the Jonas Brothers, Miley Cyrus, Taylor Swift, Justin Bieber, or anyone in modern music who's even remotely mainstream/targeted for younger audiences. (Hint hint: twelve-year-old girls with social problems
Drei) Manners of speech that resemble that of a cheerleader or Valley Girl--a girl's vocabulary is actually very important to me. I wish I was joking.
Vier) Mustaches hair, severe acne issues, or unibrows
Funf) Popular

Answer only if you have a sibling: If your sibling wasn't your sibling, do you think you'd ever find him/her attractive and go out with him/her?
This question is too disturbing for me to even acknowledge its disturbingness.

Would you ever eat a caterpillar?
You say that like it's a crazy thing to do.

If yes, why?
I like to hear them squeal before I bite down.

If no, why?
How about I push you to the ground, kick you in the ribs, and then bake your head into a chocolate pecan pie? Wouldn't be so easy for you to write all of these stupid survey questions then, now would it?

Would you rather kiss a random stranger on the street of the opposite gender or tickle a random stranger on the street of the opposite gender?
Is impregnating her an option? Because you didn't include it.

Would you rather throw up on stage or fart on stage?
I thought so. The person who wrote this survey is nine.

Would you ever sneak out of the house at night?
I wouldn't have to sneak. My parents are pretty chill. My dad's an educator and my mom's an Episcopal priest, so I have it easy.

Do you think this survey was weird?
Yes, and I hate you.

Did you find it enjoyable?
No. I'd much prefer spending my time doing better things. Like watching paint dry...and then licking it off before it gets the chance to.

Which five bloggers will you be tagging to take this survey as well?
I'll test out some of my newest readers to see if they have what it takes to be a reader of The Nerd Archives. Let's go with Gabi, Vice Versa, The Militant Working Boy, Elle Barosin, and Lemons Don't Make Lemonade.

I also challenge any blogger who reads this post to incorporate the word "penis" into thier next blog post, no matter what it is. I did it in mine, see? Although I usually manage to do that in every post anyway. In fact, it's not a challenge. It's an order. I'll be watching you.

Cheers,
That Blond Guy