Friday, May 6, 2011

Surveys Make Me Hot in My Pants, But Not in a Sexual Sense--Whenever I Take a Blogger Survey, I Stick a Warm Enchilada Down my Jeans to Stay Alert


Is your name on Blogger your name in real life? If not, what letter does your real name start with?
Oh, yeah. Sure. "That Blond Guy" is my real name. No, it's not, actually. I was being sarcastic. God, do you even think before you speak? Did your mama drop you on your head when you were born and then feed you stupid pills until you were seven-years-old? Do you still sometimes buy stupid pills from the pharmacy because your ignorance makes you feel safe? Do you harbour painful, repressed memories about your mother? Now, how does that make you feel? Oh, and my name begins with a C.

Astrological sign?

If there was a huge 'Blogspot Get-Together' where all bloggers were meant to come together and meet in real-life, would you go?
This is actually a pretty cool question. Congratulations, mysterious blogging-survey robot monkey who wrote this. Actually, that would be pretty chill. I would go if it was in a cool city. And everyone who reads my blog would shake my hand and pretend to be interested in me, but then they would go off and talk to each other and leave me shuffling my feet with my hands in my pockets in the corner of the room. But that would definitely be very interesting to meet everybody.

Have you ever rejected someone?
Never. I'm usually the recipient of rejection.

If so, was it harshly?
Um, did you hear what I just said?

Did they cry?
Are you even listening to me? Hey! Look at me! (Claps hands twice.) Eyes on me, buddy. Are you listening to what I'm saying? I've never rejected anyone.

Have you ever tried a cigarette?
No, and I have to say I think smoking is the stupidest thing ever invented. Absolute, scathing hatred of smokers is hereditary on my dad's side of the family, and so I don't associate myself with people who do smoke. I don't talk to them. I don't look at them. I don't even acknowledge that such a thing as smoking exists. I think it's ridiculous. It's bad for the earth, it's a surefire way to get lung cancer and other diseases, and it's just infuriating to people around you who don't smoke! Do you even think about the people around you when you pop that wretched thing in your mouth with the car windows rolled up and the heating system on high? How can you be so selfish as to smoke? Be more respectful of yourself and other people.

Have you ever been high? If so, on what?
Oh, now that's a different story.

What are six things you find attractive when in the opposite gender?
En) Blonde hair, blue-eyed, and Jewish. Yes, it's a real thing. And it's awesome.
To) Funny and has a sense of humour, but can't be funnier than I am. Yes, I have confidence issues.
Tre) French name
Fire) Intelligent and well-read, yet not sickly and pale
Fem) Weirder and even more out of it than I am
Seks) Tallness and physical strength. I want a woman who can wrestle me into bed

What are five things you find extremely unattractive in the opposite gender?
Oh, it's down to five now? Okay, then.
Eins) Being a Republican, fundamental Christian, or a Libertarian
Zwei) A fan of the Jonas Brothers, Miley Cyrus, Taylor Swift, Justin Bieber, or anyone in modern music who's even remotely mainstream/targeted for younger audiences. (Hint hint: twelve-year-old girls with social problems
Drei) Manners of speech that resemble that of a cheerleader or Valley Girl--a girl's vocabulary is actually very important to me. I wish I was joking.
Vier) Mustaches hair, severe acne issues, or unibrows
Funf) Popular

Answer only if you have a sibling: If your sibling wasn't your sibling, do you think you'd ever find him/her attractive and go out with him/her?
This question is too disturbing for me to even acknowledge its disturbingness.

Would you ever eat a caterpillar?
You say that like it's a crazy thing to do.

If yes, why?
I like to hear them squeal before I bite down.

If no, why?
How about I push you to the ground, kick you in the ribs, and then bake your head into a chocolate pecan pie? Wouldn't be so easy for you to write all of these stupid survey questions then, now would it?

Would you rather kiss a random stranger on the street of the opposite gender or tickle a random stranger on the street of the opposite gender?
Is impregnating her an option? Because you didn't include it.

Would you rather throw up on stage or fart on stage?
I thought so. The person who wrote this survey is nine.

Would you ever sneak out of the house at night?
I wouldn't have to sneak. My parents are pretty chill. My dad's an educator and my mom's an Episcopal priest, so I have it easy.

Do you think this survey was weird?
Yes, and I hate you.

Did you find it enjoyable?
No. I'd much prefer spending my time doing better things. Like watching paint dry...and then licking it off before it gets the chance to.

Which five bloggers will you be tagging to take this survey as well?
I'll test out some of my newest readers to see if they have what it takes to be a reader of The Nerd Archives. Let's go with Gabi, Vice Versa, The Militant Working Boy, Elle Barosin, and Lemons Don't Make Lemonade.

I also challenge any blogger who reads this post to incorporate the word "penis" into thier next blog post, no matter what it is. I did it in mine, see? Although I usually manage to do that in every post anyway. In fact, it's not a challenge. It's an order. I'll be watching you.

That Blond Guy

21 people secretly have a crush on me:

Hannah Marie said...

hmm I may have to take you up on that challenge... :P

Boyd said...

As will I...although I don't often write about my penis, as to not make others feel insignificant, I'll have to make an exception. Just for you, Christopher...

I must say, this has been my favorite set of answers to this survey so far!

ed said...

you are very opinionated, nice post

Kassandrah said...


Bookish.Spazz said...

PHEW I was so afraid of being tagged I almost didn't finish reading the survey! However, I couldn't resist your ever so humerous prose,so I risked it, and look! It paid off!

Hmm... incorporate penis into my next blog post? Psshhh that's easy. You're talking to the girl who drew penises in people's yearbooks for two years straight.

No lie.

Vice Versa said...

what a beautiful new way to procrastinate.

Furree Katt said...

now that you've done it, i feel obligated to do it too. (i was tagged with you) -__- thanks.

Vice Versa said...

well that was a spectacularly awful way to waste my time.

chelsea said...

I've posted the word penis in my blog multiple times, I accept this challenge.

Lemons Don't Make Lemonade said...


I'm very pleasantly surprised. I had no idea you knew I existed. :D I've actually done this survey before.

And rest assured, I used the penis multiple times. You will not be disappointed.

The survey is at the bottom. :D

(I'm using a proxy right now, so if the link doesn't work, it's on April 27th, so you can check out the archives.)

I love your blog.

Red Sunshine said...

This made me crack up~ Love this blog! and i think im gonna hold out on using Penis in a blog post.
but i loved ur response to the attractive sibling question

Gabi said...

I got tagged! Somebody acknowledges my existence! I'm not a social outcast! People aren't scared of me! I'm totally not insecure! Yeah.

It makes me happy that there are people who like tall weird Jewish girls with French names and a sense of humour. Not that that description fits me at all. (Hint: It does. Well, I hope I'm at least marginally funny.)

I'll fill out the survey when I'm not sleep deprived.

L. said...

Okay, challenge accepted. I not only did the survey, and I never do surveys, I used penis three times.

Do I get a cookie?

Oh, and future reference, I'm not blonde, nor do I have blue eyes, but I'm Jewish, I'm fluent in Yiddish and I can call you a son of a whore in hebrew. Ben zonah. See?

Does that get me some points?

Or a cookie?

If you haven't noticed, I'm obsessed with cookies, they are my new thing.

But thanks for tagging me. Makes me feel like less of a complete idiot when I sit down and type psychobabble on the computer and post it to the interwebz.


Nico said...

Oh, I am ON IT. I can put penis into anything. I don't care if that's what she said.

Mandy Thomas said...

You sounded very pissed off throughout this survey.
I did enjoy it, though, don't get me wrong.

I appreciate your list of unattractive qualities you find in girls; the last one, especially.

PeaceLoveandSharpies said...

I'm going to be up all night looking for that constellation in the sky.

I'd say I love you, but you have word verification enabled in your commenting.
That decreases my love to a passionate like.

Lemons Don't Make Lemonade said...

Also, congratulations.

I've just awarded you the Overlord award on my blog.

Needless to say, I, unlike PeaceloveandSharpies, will not let your word verification code influence my feelings for you.

BigMike said...

Have you ever been high? If so, on what?
"Oh, now that's a different story."

--- That is the point in this post you went from random rantings to comic gold... Thank you ;)

That Blond Guy said...

Hannah Marie: PENIS!!!! How as that?

Boyd: I have the same problem. Girls look at my penis, and they say, "Christopher's penis is just too big." Of course, that was before I got EL SHRINKO.

Thanks. Now please listen to this song:

Ed: Opinionated? Nice post? Um, thanks.

Kassandrah: So is Ralph Waldo Emerson. Wanna know why? Because he's dead.

Bookish.Spazz: Don't worry about it. The worst thing we have to fear is fear itself. So keep that in mind.

What did you say? Did you say penis?

Vice Versa: What is? Trying to play the piano with your feet? I've found that as well.

Furree Katt: Great! I'll check out your post!

Chelsea: Penis penis penis penis penis penis penis penis penis.

Lemons Don't Make Lemonade: Yes, I tagged you. (You're it!) And yes, I know that you exist. I know everyone exists. You wanna know how? I'm God. And you are all my children.

Penis. I'll check out the survey.

And in regard to your second comment: thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you!

Red Sunshine: Thank you so much! By the way, why did you choose the fifth book as opposed to the other six?

Gabi: Well, you did get tagged.

No no no no. The girl can't be funny. She just has to get my jokes so that I feel funny. It's all about me.

Okay, I'll be looking forward to it.

L: Yes, I read the post! Very good. Penis penis. (That means two thumbs up.)

No, you don't get any points or cookies. In fact, hand over any points or cookies you have right now, because they belong to me.

P.S. I like the new name. Very short and sweet. My old blogger name used to be 7, but it really confused people.

Nico: Can put a penis into anything?! What kind of "she"s are YOU hanging out with?

Mandy Thomas: I was having my period. Yeah. Uncomfortable yet?

PeaceLoveandSharpies: No! Don't! It's not actually there! Am I too late?

I'd say I love you, but as a general rule I don't fall in love with Hispanic men.

BigMike: Are you Big Mike like the one from Chuck?

Lexa Be said...

Dear you, I reposted it and not only put a blatant link to your blog, but I also threw in penis just for you. Have a lovely day.

- Lexa Be

Eeshie said...

I'm offended. What's wrong with Taylor Swift?