Friday, May 20, 2011

I Gave Her my Heart and She Gave Me a Pen

Well, school is over. Since I really am just as much of a nerd as I tell you, I don't go to any actual parties at the end of the school year. And if I ever did get asked to go to a party, I would politely decline, claiming that I had previous engagements, and then proceed straight to the nearest restroom, bawling my eyes out for the next fifteen minutes in the bathroom stall because I'm such a coward. And then I would go to the local tattoo parlour and get the word "COWARD" tattooed onto my chest because I'm so ashamed of who I am. But then I'd regret it because I'd have to be one of those weird guys who wears a t-shirt in the water when he goes swimming.

I know all of the ladies out there will hate me for this, but me and two other guys made a bet about who could get a girlfriend first by the end of the year. I hope you don't think that, just because of this, I'm one of those guys that talks about women as if they were race horses. I think it's stupid when guys do that. Race horses don't have breasts or hot asses, so it's just not the same at all.

The first one got turned down, I think, but he was in too bad of a mood to tell me about it, so I have no idea what happened. I don't think it went well, though, because he told anyone who asked him about it to fuck off. When a friend of his asked him to sign his yearbook, he wrote, "Hey, I don't know if you hold the same opinion, but I think this year sucked. Anyway, I guess it was cool talking to you."

The second one got more politely turned down by a girl who happened to be one of my sister's best friends, saying that she only wanted to be friends with him. He told her in a very calm and collected manner that this was perfectly all right, until something snapped in his mind and he started shrieking that he was a vampire and trying to bite her.

I waited until yesterday, the last day of school, and approached my woman the one time I found her alone at the student lounge. I said,

"Hey, since it's the end of the year, I just thought I'd tell you that I think you have beautiful eyes."

Before she could respond or even make a surprise face, a guy walked right up to her who is easily eleven times as popular as me. He's on the football, baseball, and wrestling team. He hangs out with guys who could get me killed with the snap of a finger. (They wouldn't literally kill me by snapping their fingers, but the snapping of their fingers would indirectly lead to my death by firing squad.) He's taller than me, cooler than me, and far more good-looking. (I drew little hearts around his picture in the yearbook.) And he walked up to her and said, "Hey, what are you doing over the summer?"

They then went on to talk for several minutes about their summer plans, leaving me standing there, humiliated and increasingly uncomfortable. He then said goodbye, she replied goodbye, and she walked off. She didn't look at me or acknowledge me in any way. I called out after her to have a good summer. She didn't turn around. I then murmured goodbye quietly to myself and waddled away.

So that's where Carpie Diem gets me. I guess it's Karma for the fact that I made such a stupid deal with those two guys. Insant Karma's gonna get me. It's gonna kick me in the head. I better get myself together, or soon I'm gonna be dead!!!

I sort of redeemend myself, however, at the Honor's Banquet, which is what I think all of the students, parents, and teachers consider to be an idiotic and agonisingly long award ceremony. I think our principal is the only one who likes it, because he takes pleasure out of touching children's hands.

But I was glad that I went, overall, because I was recognised for being the Best Poet of the high school from 2010-2011 for the poems To the Leaves and Your Smile, The Homeless Man, To Be a Shadow, and The Lands Behind Closed Eyelids, all of which can be found on my new page on PoemHunter. I also got a $200 prize.

Overall, I think it was a pretty good year. I got really buff, I got a new girlfriend, I won the lottery, and I met Dustin Hoffman. Oh, wait. None of those things happened. This year SUCKED.

At least Jesus was with me all the way through it. Thank God for Jesus.

That Blond Guy

P.S. To those of you wondering, I HAVE been responding to your comments.

14 people secretly have a crush on me:

Furree Katt said...

HI! ♥
aren't you glad school is over? i have not been invited to any party :O maybe because 5 year old children think it's weird to invite their teacher.
if that incident with the girl you spoke to was true: that really sucked. :( i think that was pretty mean of her to ignore you like that. she is undeserving of your attention.
congratulations for the Best Poet award! i checked our your PoemHunter page. i think all your works are wonderful, even though i'm not into poetry.
i hope your summer is super amazing.

i love you!

Mack said...

I love your poem "lands behind closed eyelids"- especially the first stanza's imagery. I love this post too, but especially I like the comical first paragraph (and the metaphorical title).

I'm happy for you that school's out! I'm sorry about the outcome of your situation, though... a similar thing happened to me just today (well, I didn't tell him how beautiful his eyes were, but I sat near him at a pep rally and he moved up a row).

It will get better, I promise.


Anonymous said...

Well aren't you a bit desperate for a girlfriend?


Bookish.Spazz said...

As someone who has got up and ignored guys who have complimented me, I'm sorry.

Eventually, when guys like you have tons of money (like Bill Gates) we'll hate ourselves and cry every night in bed next to our once handsome (now fat and bald) husbands.

Do you feel better?

Bookish.Spazz said...

Oh, and congrats on being recognized for your poetry!

Lemons Don't Make Lemonade said...

The desperatia? I can relate.

I mean, I even keep tabs on my ex.

Anyway, I'm sorry you had such a terrible year, but YOU WON A PRIZE AND THE SCHOOL RECOGNIZED YOU AS AN ASPIRING POET.

Being a nerd is a compliment.

What? It's not?

Well, it WILL be when that girl is peeling grapes for you in twenty years and you're ruler of the universe.

Boyd said...

Congrats on the Best Poet award!! does it make you Poet Laureate of your school? Will you be expected to compose witty, propoganda-like poems about your school?

Also, I think your painful rejection is just a sign that she's a horrible human that you wouldn't want to love anyway. Also, your extended suffering might cause Karma to swing the other way!! (at this point you may realize I don't exactly understand how it works)

InnocentlyGreen said...

Well it wasn't much of a line for her to respond to. You did just make a statement. Opening with a question is a much better plan. Maybe she thought that was all you wanted to say.
Congrats on the award though! Some would say that's a better thing to get than a girlfriend. You do get to keep that one forever.

rose said...

The $200 probably beats a girlfriend anyway? haha

unless the bet you made with your friends was for a cash sum of $200 +? In that case, it may have been worth wowing the girl with nice eyes a bit more! haha

rosie xxx

Red Sunshine said...

you're so lucky your school year is over. and i kind of died laughing at the Coward Tattoo bit XD

Eeshie said...



Vice Versa said...

That girl sounds really bitchy.
you don't need her. you could find someone better, easily.

CONGRATULATIONS on the poetry award!

I normally don't like poetry, except for VERY few, but i LOVED yours. they were so brilliantly written, and i actually enjoyed reading it.

like the one on the blue eyes, I usually hate poems that JUST describe how gorgeous a girl is and go on and on and on. But i liked it!

My favourites were Psychopath and The Homeless Man, though i haven't read them all yet.
to think i wasn't even going to click on the link, before.

ALSOOO, i saw you in a dream! well.. just your back. but i knew it was you because you had 'That Blond Guy' written on the back of your shirt, and your hair was blonde. Really bright yellow blonde. The brightest yellow shade of hair ever. also, there were no other blonde people.
Then the ground sucked up everything like a black hole.

Vice Versa said...

also, can i link your poemhunter page on my blog?

Anonymous said...


You scared of responding to your comments or something?