Sunday, May 29, 2011

A Play I Wrote Loosely Based on Clue, a Major Motion Picture, Integrating Quotations from a Number of Novels Written by Stephen King

The following is a genuine dialogue shared between Christopher (That Blond Guy), a paranoid schizophrenic hamster named Kenneth, the Brave Little Toaster, General Pierre Augereau, Kermit the Frog, Paris Hilton, Marvin the clinically depressed British robot, and a ham and cheese toastie. The aforementioned individuals are sitting down for supper at a dinner party in an old mansion.

Christopher: Dinner is served. You will find your names beside your places. Please be seated.

The Brave Little Toaster: Is this place for you? (Pointing to the head of the table)

Christopher: Oh, indeed, no, sir. I am but a humble butler.

The Brave Little Toaster: Oh, okay. What exactly do you do?

Christopher: I buttle, sir.

Kermit the Frog: Well, what's all this about, Christopher? This dinner party?

Christopher: Don't be afraid, we'll make it out of this mess. It's a love story, baby, just say yes. Oh oh.

Paris Hilton: What's that supposed to mean?!

Marvin: What's anything supposed to mean? We're going to die, aren't we?

Christopher: No need to worry, Marvin. I am merely quoting Taylor Swift.

The Brave Little Toaster: I much prefer Jessica Simpson myself. The heart of country music lies in the golden prairies of North Texas, not Pennsylvania. May I offer you a biscuit, Miss Hilton?

Paris Hilton: Sure, I'll eat anything.

Kenneth: Baby, can you dig your man?

Kermit the Frog: Is that seat for our host? (Points to head of table.)

Christopher: No, Kermit, that seat is for our seventh guest, the ham and cheese toastie.

The Brave Little Toaster: I thought the ham and cheese toastie was our host.

Paris Hilton, Kenneth, and Kermit the Frog: So did I!

General Pierre Augereau: Moi aussi!

Marvin: What's everybody talking about? Who's the ham and cheese toastie? Oh, well. It's not worth the bother. Nobody ever tells me anything.

Christopher: Everything will be explained later. Why don't you all go ahead and eat while the food still warm. Would anyone care for some more soup? Perhaps another helping of mashed radishes, Kenneth?

Kenneth: Kenneth isn't here, Wadsworth. My name is Tony. Redrum.

Christopher: Ah...well...the toastie should be arriving any minute now.

Paris Hilton: I'm bored. Who wants to do me?

General Pierre Augereau: Pas moi, je vous remercie. Peu de gens savent cela, mais je suis réellement une femme.

Kermit the Frog: I think I'll pass as well, thanks.

(Door bell rings.)

Christopher: Alas, that must be the toastie.

(Exits the room. Silence ensues.)

General Pierre Augereau: Quelqu'un ici parlent français?

(No one answers.)

General Pierre Augereau: J'aime verge.


General Pierre Augereau: LOL.

Kermit the Frog: Wait a minute. Are you saying all of us live in Washington, DC?!

The Brave Little Toaster: Who said that?

Kenneth: I know your name! It's Barlow!

Kermit the Frog: And all of us, one way or another, earn a living from the government?!?

Paris Hilton: I don't think any of us do. What are you talking about?

Kermit the Frog: Wadsworth, where are you? I demand to know why you brought us here!!!

Kenneth: He's a ghost. HE'S A GOOD GHOST. He was sent TO WARM US.

Marvin: My God, I'm in a house full of lunatics. Do me a favour and kill me now.

(Christopher and the ham and cheese toastie enter the room.)

Christopher: Ladies and gentlemen, may I present the ham and cheese toastie...

Ham and cheese toastie: What are they all doing here?

Christopher: Eating dinner. Do sit down.

Paris Hilton: Look here! I demand to know what's going on. Why have we all been dragged here to this horrible place?

Christopher: The reason all of you are here is because you're all being blackmailed.

The Brave Little Toaster: That's ridiculous. I'm not being blackmailed. I've never done anything wrong in my life.

Christopher: Oh, is that so, Brave Little Toaster? Is that so? Is it safe to assume that there's nothing wrong with anyone in this room? False! I'll have you know that this room is occupied by the wife of a senator who has been accepting bribes, a doctor who has taken advantage of one of his lady patients, a widow who has emasculated and killed four husbands, a prostitute, a colonel who has purchased that very same prostitute, and a homosexual!

Paris Hilton: May I ask a question?

Christopher: Yes.

Paris Hilton: Who's the homosexual?

Christopher: Kermit the Frog.

Kermit the Frog: Guilty as charged!

Christopher: The point is that you are being blackmailed because some might consider you all to be thoroughly un-American. The person blackmailing you just thought he might make a bit of money off of it as well. What's more American than that?

Marvin: America. Don't talk to me about America.

The Brave Little Toaster: So who is the ham and cheese toastie?

Christopher: Oh, haven't you guessed? He's the one blackmailing you!

Kermit the Frog, Paris Hilton, the Brave Little Toaster, and Kenneth: WHAT?!

General Pierre Augereau: Curses sur votre délices en croûte.

Marvin: Oh, give it a rest, would you? I'm feeling exceptionally depressed, in case any of you were wondering. But of course you weren't.

Kenneth: All I wanted me was a little cornbread! All I wanted me was a little cornbread!

Paris Hilton: Let me at him! I'm gonna sock him in the face!

Ham and cheese toastie: WAIT! You could kill me. Or, when I turn out the lights, you could kill Christopher here, and none will be the wiser. What do you say? Are you going to kill me or him? Expose yourselves to the public, or let your secrets die along with Christopher. You choose.

(Lights go out.)

(Sound of gunshot.)

(Manical laughter.)

(Hip to Be Square, by Huey Lewis and the News)

Christopher: What?! Everybody's dead.

Marvin: I'm not dead.

Kenneth: Everyone's dead except for you and me, Christopher. Now we can spend the rest of together forever. I'm your biggest fan.

Marvin: I said I'm not dead.

Christopher: It's not too late, Kenneth. Go to your closet and pray. Ask to be forgiven.

Marvin: Oh forget it.

Kenneth: It's the angels, Todd. Can't you see them?


Thanks for reading. I hope you liked it. Please vote on my new poll and come back as soon as possible to read my next post, which is going to be super awesome, because I'm leaving for Texas on Thursday.

Also I'm thinking about changing my profile picture to a real picture of me. What do you guys think? Would that be lame?

That Blond Guy

15 people secretly have a crush on me:

Boyd said...


Gabi said...

Since Marvin is one of my favourite characters ever, that was awesome.
And they never taught us the French word verge in school when they talked about body parts. . .

Mercurio said...

That was a very crazy tale.

Anna said...

I love the fact that I could actually understand the General's French XD
So wonderfully trippy :D

L. said...

I love Marvin. Marvin is my inspiration for life. Really. If only he knew.

ed said...

paris hilton seems pretty accurate to real life

Lex said...

I want to be a character in your next play. Make it happen. Also, what is a ham and cheese toastie? Is it just like a toasted sandwich? Or is it another whole entity all to itself?

I want to applaud this effort. If I was sitting in an auditorium watching it, I would most definitely shout "BRAVA BRAVA" and throw my fancy binoculars off in a torrent of ecstasy.

The Militant Working Boy said...

What? That isn't a real picture of you?

The Militant Working Boy said...

This post is so awesome, the flames... FLAMES!... on the sides of my face... heaving... heaving...

Vice Versa said...


im not in a commenting mood. it was funny though, hence the LOL.

and don't change the picture, I like not knowing what you look like, and i will be sad if you're not as blonde as i pictured you.

InnocentlyGreen said...

I loved it! Very good imagination, yet weirdly realistic.

Adding a real picture of you would make it all more real, not so much possible fiction as actual real things lived by a real person. So it depends on whether you want that or not. But it's definitely not lame.

As for your poll, well, I dislike heterosexual men that wax and are not models. But it depends on the amount of hair too. Are we talking normal-hairy or monkey-hairy?

Have fun in Texas! :)

The militant working boy said...

Question- will the poll influence your decision to post a picture of yourself?

Eeshie said...

Oh my God. OH MY GOD. *OH MY GOD!*

You, my friend, have made the world more brilliant with your genius. Really and truly. Can I say I knew you when you were in high school when you become rich and famous?

And you get brownie points for quoting Taylor Swift.


In response to your last question at the very end, I think we'd all want a real profile picture of you. After all, you're very handsome and super ripped and have a mane of blond hair like a waterfall in sunshine. I think it'd be a crime to not let your fellow readers see your beautiful self.

All in all, this was your best post. And if not THE best, then definitely one of the many bests. I must say, I'm rather curious as to seeing how your next post will turn out. How can you top this one?

You say it a million times to me, so now it's my turn: Never end this blog.

Darcy said...

I may or may not be in love with you. And yes, I am a boy.
How do you manage to be so spontaneous and funny? I would think that much awesomeness would make your body burst.
Anyway..LOL...yr funny.

Lewis Shaw said...

I was ever so shocked to discover one of my childhood idols was a homosexual but none-the-less, bravo. A truly spectacular feat of contemporary theatre, and what not.