Friday, February 25, 2011

I'm In a Really Good Mood: I Think It's Because I Just Discovered You Can Get High from Eating Batteries

So yesterday I was on the roof of my girlfriend's house, cleaning my gun, when I got to do some thinking. You know, if I knew any of you in real life, I probably wouldn't hang out with most of you. If I was in your Honors Calculus class or a guy in the cubicle next to you or a fellow inmate in prison, we most likely would not be friends. I'm pretty shy when it comes to meeting new people, so a good many of you would label me as a boring, funny-looking fellow who may or may not have a mental handicap and forget all about me. I might look at some of you and see that you play football, or that you do drugs, or see that all of your friends are people that I consider airheads, and go on to ignore you for the rest of the short time that I know you.

I might discover that you listen to Katy Perry, or that you go to a party every Friday night, and choose not to talk to you unless you talk to me. Maybe you say the word "like" nine times in every sentence and that ticks me off so much I want to stay at least nine feet away from you at all times. Maybe you notice that I often hang out with nerds and rejects and outcasts, and so you're really not interested in me. Maybe you're creeped out by my bizarre infatuation with the 80's, or perhaps it annoys you that I refuse to wear clothes in public on Wednesdays and Fridays. Then again, maybe not. Maybe we'd be best of friends. But probably not.

And that's what I like about blogging. I'm getting to know people who I would probably never talk to in real life, whether because of their social status or height or gender or socioeconomic level or appearence or the fact that they're a racist. With blogging, we have the ability to appreciate each other for our more deep talents and features without prejudice.

On a slightly less serious note, I might inform you that we got our track uniforms last Friday. Perhaps I should have seen this coming, but the uniform shorts are incredibly short, and the jersey is extremely loose and pretty much tiny. The shorts, which are black, only cover up a quarter of my thighs, so the ladies get the full view of my golden monkey legs. (If I really was a monkey, I would be as blond as a monkey could get without being considered a polar bear.) The jersey only covers the middle of my torso and the neckline goes halfway to my belly button. I guess it would be sexy for body builders and macho gorilla men, but for guys like me who draw a sharpie six-pack on their stomach every morning to impress women, it's not really sexy.

In addition, the coach has made it mandatory to get spikes as well as black tights. I don't see how tights have any practical purpose in running track, so I'm pretty sure he's just doing it for the look. If he tells us we all need a yellow headband that says "Hot stuff" on it to wear during the meets, then my suspicions will be confirmed.

Remember when I posted so long ago about my problem with blushing? Yeah, that's still a problem. And like I said then, it really is crippling. If I didn't have a blushing problem, I would be like Superman. I'd be the funny guy at parties and the smartmouth in English class. I could really speak my mind whenever I wanted, and I could even use pick-up lines at bars like, "Hey, is there a mirror in your pants? Because I can see myself in them."

Last Friday I passed a girl in the hall who I previously described on this blog as having the face of a smiling moon beam. She said, "Hey, Chris, how are you?" I wanted to answer like my charming alter-ego Devon would and say, "Fantastic, now that I've talked to you." Instead, and not surprisingly, I blushed. And I answered "Good, thanks."

In conclusion to this post, I think I might shock you all by telling you that I've actually followed through and started writing for the song "the Rainbow Policeman Hippo." I just couldn't resist, especially since my friends and I talked about starting a band. (If we do start a band, we decided, we would call it the Little Engine That Wanted to Die.) Anyway, here's the first verse:

The Rainbow Policeman Hippo wants to steal your ears away
So grab you all your candy canes and let's fly off to space.
There are so many things in space for us to admire
With our eyes of ruby emerald and arms of rubber tire.
There are planets made of babies, that smile at the stars
And little furry aliens that drive banana cars.
But if there's one thing missing from the land of outer space
It's the Rainbow Policeman Hippo and all the hippo race...

Hippos can't talk...
But they can sing...
So Rainbow Policeman Hippo...
Won't you...
Sing with me?

Yeah, I'm pretty sure it's going to be one of the top 20 songs of 2011. The first thing I'm going to do when I get famous is meet Miley Cyrus and then cure cancer. I just hope all of my instant and explosive fame doesn't go to my head.

As a final note, I'd like to add that, no, you can't really get high off of eating batteries. I don't want to have indirectly killed any of you because you were looking for a good time and all you had availabe was a pair of AAA batteries and a cube of cheese.

And if you haven't read the post below this one, please do so. And comment on it too. And then give me a hug. I need it more than you would believe.

That Blond Guy

15 people secretly have a crush on me:

Hannah Marie said...

So true about the blogging thing! and I love the title hahahaha.

Bookish.Spazz said...

You're right. I probably wouldn't hang out with you. I gravitate towards extroverted guys with large genitals.


I hang out with a myriad of people, and yes, even shy blushing people. I would probably make fun of your track get up if I knew you IRL. I guess the bigger question would be would you hang out with me? I'm labeled as the "overachieving go-getter" but I'm mediocre at physics and I'm in advance art. Oh yes, and I'm the incumbent Editor of the yearbook.

Eeshie said...

That song was just...awesome!

Abby said...

Remember me when you get famous, kid.
(Get it? It's funny because I'm actually younger than you I think so it's ironic that I called you kid, get it do you do you?)

RainboRevolver said...

If you lived here, I would totally take you on a random adventure with me and Cassi.

I have an irrational fear of batteries. Is that weird?

Have a nice day.

Shenge said...

Thanks to my dark complexion, it is pretty much impossible for me to blush. Or at least for people to see me blush, so it's the same thing really, hyuk hyuk hyuk.

Mischief Managed said...

1) That song made my day.
2) You're totally right about the blogging thing. Without my blog, I would have no friends... just kidding...
3) Respond to your comments! Grr!

That Blond Guy said...

Hannah Marie: And I love you.

Bookish.Spazz: Ha, that made me laugh. I have no idea if we'd be friends. I usually think art students are awesome, and I thought an "incumbent" was a fruit.

Eeshie: Thanks. This song was actually inspired by a sunset. And also, LSD.

Abby: Yay, I get it! But how do you know you're younger than me?


And thanks. I don't know who Cassi is, though. Sounds like it would be cool, especially if this Cassi character was smoking hot.

I'm good. How are you?

Shenge: You lucky puppy.

1) I'm delighted. Did it make you feel sort of happy but also a little queasy and mostly just confused? That's how it made me feel.
2) He he. No. You're lying.
3) I am! I've turned over a new leaf.
4) Olivia is a beautiful name.

Lexa Be said...

This blog makes me laugh, and I love it. Thank the possibly existent, perhaps slightly malicious power in the sky for forcing someone to create blogs. It's a good thing you can't actually get high off of batteries because I know there would be people at my school who might try it with the batteries in their graphing calculators due to the fact they're so ready to scream.... or they might still try it so they can just die. Math wasn't my favorite subject *thank all that is holy that I don't have it this year*.

On a different note, best song ever. Much better than Katy Perry for sure. Though Firework is good because it's a pro-gay song and my school obliviously plays it at every single dance despite how amazingly homophobic they are.

Hmm.... I probably would be friends with you if you lived here since I am the crazy reject of the school who tends to attract the unusual people like moths to a flame. Then again, you might think me completely insane and stay away. I assure you I hate people who say like so many times as well, especially considering I only survived a speech in 10th grade by a class mate because I counted how many times he said the word like. It hit fifty and I just tried to block it out. *please note this was a four minute speech*

- Lexa Be

Lexa Be said...

My blog comments are way too long.... XD I apologize for unending rantiness, but it's probably because I haven't blogged in a few days due to too many things to do.... or I just think way too much and write whatever I think... Probably something like that.

Smokey_Cat said...

I agree about the blogging this, plus what I also love about it is that you can say your feelings out loud without being 'judged' so to speak. I feel that all fellow bloggers are very non-judgmental which is why it's so easy to talk to them.

I used to be shy and awkward in high school as well. It all passes my friend, everything changes, and then you miss high school.

laura said...


Estonia isn´t in Columbia :D It´s in Europe and it´s an independent country ;)

Tegan said...

If I met you now, after reading your blog, I would know about your secret awesomeness and would therefore talk to you. Makes sense really...
That song is the shizz, though your band name is far too long! Albeit witty, people would hate to say "yeah I'm going to see a gig?"
"ah, what gig?"
"The Little Engine That Wanted To Die"

You get me, right?


Mandy Thomas said...

Pleasure meeting/following you. You little sugar plum.

Red Sunshine said...

lol, the the track uniform bit made me die laughing!
and i love the rainbow policeman hippo song. it's gonna be fantastic