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Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Excuse Me, Does This Rag Smell Like Chloroform To You?

Arguably one of my favourite rude pick-up lines in existence, right after, "Wanna have sex while we eat pizza?" (Girls gives disgusted look.) "What's wrong? Don't like pizza?"

Since I know I've been keeping all of you on the edge of your seats for the past few days or so since my last post, I'm going to go ahead and tell you that I didn't give the girl the poem. I walked into school on Valentine's Day with every intent of giving it to her (the poem, not my virginity), but the moment I saw her, I was filled with terror. I got so nervous, I crumpled up the poem and ate it. Then I ate the carnation I was about to give her as well. Since then, everyone at school has been calling me "Goat Boy" and bringing me empty coke cans to eat, so I really need your moral support.

As I predicted, it was a pretty disappointing Valentine's Day. It was a day like any other, pretty much, although I did get a flower...from the leaders of my peer leadership group. At the end of the day, though, I went to my locker and found a Valentine from one of my sister's friends, which cheered me up a bit. Not very much, though, since he's a guy. But it's still good to feel attractive.

Fact: I've never been to a concert or traveled outside the United States.

Last Saturday was actually a pretty fun day. I went to an Academic Team tournament, which is always nice for me because there are oftentimes loads of donuts. Plus, nerds are always way more interesting to talk to than other teenagers, as long as they're not talking about Anime, video games, or their very limited understanding of sex. Saturday night I went to a fund raiser at my Church where we babysat kids for five hours while their parents went on a date for Valentine's Day weekend. Not remarkable, but there was one 8-year-old kid who could dance like Michael Jackson. He was pretty sweet. I'm still not positive that he's not Michael Jackson.

VOTE ON MY NEW POLL!!! I actually have a productive question to ask this time. And you guys can be pretty bad about voting on polls sometimes. Just sayin'. It's so easy. Just scroll up and click once on the answer that best fits your opinion. Are you really just sitting there for nine minutes thinking to yourself, "Hm...Who would I rather sleep with...Scarlett Johansson or the lady rabbit from Bugs Bunny? I can't decide. I don't think I can vote on this poll."

I'm listening to the Band of Horses right now. They're so awesome. If they were jelly beans, they would most likely be my favourite-flavoured jelly beans.

You know that girl I wrote the poem for a while back? Not the one I mentioned in the last post, but the one I wrote "Such Blue Eyes" for? If all goes well, I'll be going to the movies with her, a couple of her friends, and a couple of my friends either this weekend or next. Then again, she might have accepted my friend's invitation to go out with us as a joke--as if to make fun of us. But maybe that means she would have sex with me as a joke too.

Has anyone else here come up with a name for their private parts?

I've been making a lot of sex jokes in the post. Like, more than usual. I think it's because I've been eating a lot of red velvet Yoplait yogurt lately. Although it tastes more like strawberries and pistacchios, it reminds me of red velvet cake. And red velvet cake gets me into these certain moods because I start thinking of hot Russian lady spies. I don't know why, but it just always comes to mind. Am I weirding you out?

Golda, do you love me?

Cheers,
That Blond Guy

15 people secretly have a crush on me:

Lane said...

Aw you should of given her the poem goat boy. My v-day sucked, my boyfriend broke up with me on valentines night. but on a different note, Band of Horses are fantastic, you have inspired me to listen to them tonight. I figured listening to Band of Horses while reading fmylife.com is a great way to end my day, I started my day off with listening to Modest Mouse and standing in my pantry for 20 minutes. and don't judge me for spending 10 minutes staring at a poll before deciding I can't answer haha and good luck on your movie date whatch ya ma call it thing

Lexa Be said...

Awww! You should have given it to her!!

If it makes you feel better, the other day I was labeled a "pretty boy". I'm still deciding which is a better title, I'll get back to you on that.

Ah the many things that sprung to mind while reading this. I feel like throwing in a Psych reference but it's late and I can't think of one. You'll have to settle with the fact my iPod too "to mind" with a lack of space and turned it into "goblin".

- Lexa Be

Lexa Be said...

Took* not too

Smokey_Cat said...

It's good you didn't give her anything on valentines day, that's something so predictable! do something else! graffiti the bathrooms in her honour instead.

Furree Katt said...

AGREEING WITH SMOKEY_CAT!
i really like the post title.
and i voted 'yes' on the poll. :D

-Sam. said...

Dude,
Kudos for the newly found sex drive.
And no... though I did name my trashcan Fredrick...
...is that weird... or is it weird that I have a monster in my heater...
(should i name him as well? hmmm...)

and by the way, band of horse-loredo. (learning to play it on the guitar.)

Cya,
-sam.

Eeshie said...

Grr. You should have gave her the letter...

:O OH MY GOSH YOU HAVE A SISTER, TOO?!? Damn, every time I read your blog, you happen to get a new sibling. How many exactly do you have?

Bookish.Spazz said...

CHICKEN!

Sorry, but shy guys are the worst. Especially when girls invest so much time in trying to look pretty around them whilst simultaniously trying to sound witty and excrete pheremones AND THEN THE GUY IS TOO SHY TO MAKE THE FIRST MOVE.

I hope it's not painfully obvious that this has happened to me.

That Blond Guy said...

Lane: That's terrible! I'm so sorry! Couldn't he have at least waited one day? Or maybe two? Glad I could at least help by introducing you to the best bearded indie rock band in existence.

Lexa Be: I don't know which is worse. I wouldn't worry about it. The fact that you got called names in high school means you'll grow up to be a creative person. Well, either that or a serial killer. Anyway, I LOVE PSYCH!!!

Smokey_Cat: Well, there's that. I'm not really into graffiti. How about a tattoo?

Furree Katt: Thanks for all of your support! I commented on your blog.

Samantha: I can't help it anymore. Is it NOT bothering you that you've decided to ignore my existence TWICE in the past year and now you're commenting on my blog? No? Nothing?

Eeshie: Yeah, I'm a triplet. (Grins sheepishly.) Have I not mentioned that?

Bookish.Spazz: Sorry about that. Shy guys aren't the WORST, necessarily, because once you start talking to them, they actually turn out to be nice. Or at least sophisticated, rather than meatheads.

Kay said...

I voted on your poll. Kudos to me.

But anyway, my favorite euphemism for "penis" would definitely have to be "willis and doodleberry."

-Sam. said...

Mr. Kennedy,
i mean seriously. be professional.
I CAME OUT. you were my ex BOYFRIEND. it was hard for me. I mean, REALLY hard.
i had nothing against you personally. i just felt uncomfortable, being that we'd gone out..
-you dont have to be a jerk about it.
but i do admit, what i did was harsh.
and i will give you a sincere apology over the phone if you would like... email me at swestmoreland@taftschool.org.

-sam.

tegan said...

if blogs were jelly beans, yours would be my favourite flavoured jelly bean.

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