Monday, May 10, 2010

Video Games Ruined My Life: Good Thing I Have Two Left

Stolen from It's a hilarious site, but funny t-shirts are a dangerous product. You get people who just grab you by the shoulders and hold you steady so they can read the t-shirt. Awkward. I feel so violated.

I don't know about everyone else, but I'm getting sick and tired of these idiotic, melodramatic, self-centered posts about romance in my life. I've had strong feelings for three girls in the past few years. The first: Broke up with me and did unforgivable things at her school afterward. The second: She is both moving to San Fransisco and my sister's friend. Like that was ever going anywhere. The third: Well, the third is Ginny Weasley. She's taken.

In other words, there's nothing left to talk about! That stage is dead and gone for me! I'm turning over a new leaf! Ew, nevermind. There's a caterpillar on that leaf.

But seriously--why did I ever talk about my girlfriend? Nerds don't have girlfriends until after college when they get really rich! Until then, nerds assemble at lunch to complain about how unfair it is that no girls like them. Nerds go over to each other's houses to look at Asian internet porn on each other's macs. Nerds mope around near the punch bowl at school dances. The only girls nerds ever talk about are either from Star Wars or Lord of the Rings.

So before I launch into my post unrelated to my romance life, I think I have something you'd like to see: my new YouTube video!

A Moderately Relaxing Video

And now onto the subject of my post today: video games.

A few things separate me from the average nerd. The most prominent one is the fact that I'm technologically impaired. I don't have a Facebook, a phone, and I have no idea how to program anything that runs on electricity. Most importantly: I NEVER PLAY VIDEO GAMES.

Let me go all old-fashioned on you for a moment and just say this:

I despise violent video games. I hate them. I totally hate them. Can't stand them. I almost hate violent video games over violence.

I watch over my friends' shoulders as they play video games that involve gunning down Iraqis, slaughtering enemy soldiers, and often killing civilians. Games like Grand Theft Auto where you get extra points by running over civilians and beating hookers totally disgust me. And there's only one explanation for why teens play them: they have these urges stored up in them all day to murder innocent people but they know they can't. So they get home...and they murder some innocent (though fake) video game characters!

It's not just the violent video games I have a problem with either. Video games in general. They're okay when used in moderation, but let's be honest--when are video games ever used in moderation?

They're destroying social skills. The leftover brain cells that weren't vaporized by hours of texting, Facebook, and web surfing are feasted upon by video games. Modern Warfare...Wii...Halo...Grand Theft Auto...Game Boy...Nintendo...They're going to bring the downfall of the human race, I tell ya!

Think about this: what do you do when you go over to a friend's house? If you don't text side-by-side, or visit Facebook together, or go to the movies/an amusement park, you probably play video games. I don't know about girls, but I know that's certainly true for guys. How many of your friends' names do you remember?

In conclusion, all video games should be disposed of by three methods: burned at the stake, broken on the great wheel, or given to the lepers.

Join the Revolution! Destroy the consoles! Burn their churches and claim their women!!!

That is all.

5 people secretly have a crush on me:

Anonymous said...

I strongly agree.

That Blond Guy said...


Red Sunshine said...

lol! i never got into video games. though a while back me and my friends all played the Bratz video games. those were fun. it was basically shopping and makeup.

Anonymous said...

Hey Christopher!

This is probably the seond time I've said this, though the millionth time I've thought of saying it for a second time: epic blog.

I would email you this but you don't have an email address of some kind on your blog (I don't either, but that's beside the point). So here it is,

I'm in year 11 and studying in a Media Studies class. Our final summative task for the semester is to study articles and whatnot that are subject to bias. After 45 minutes of unsuccessful searching in the newspaper, I thought of your Blog and scrambled my way to the computer to show my teacher your Blog.

I settled on this one:
He (teacher) was laughing on the way back to his seat and said he was the slightest bit offended by the bit about Catholic teachers. Again, I think it is epic. Every single darn post.

But aaaaaaaaaaaanyway,
I just wanted to let you know and if it's not ok with you then I won't use it. I'll check back for a reply.


P.S. Epic blog.

That Blond Guy said...

Red Sunshine: A while back? You mean no one plays the Bratz video games any more?

Tuyen: Hi!!! It is most certainly okay. More than okay, because I'm honored. Almost more honored than I ought to be.

The Catholic school teachers joke was meant light-heartedly. I'm Episcopalian, so we're in the same boat. No harm meant.

Thank you so much!