Video Games Ruined My Life: Good Thing I Have Two Left

Stolen from Threadless.com. It's a hilarious site, but funny t-shirts are a dangerous product. You get people who just grab you by the shoulders and hold you steady so they can read the t-shirt. Awkward. I feel so violated.

I don't know about everyone else, but I'm getting sick and tired of these idiotic, melodramatic, self-centered posts about romance in my life. I've had strong feelings for three girls in the past few years. The first: Broke up with me and did unforgivable things at her school afterward. The second: She is both moving to San Fransisco and my sister's friend. Like that was ever going anywhere. The third: Well, the third is Ginny Weasley. She's taken.

In other words, there's nothing left to talk about! That stage is dead and gone for me! I'm turning over a new leaf! Ew, nevermind. There's a caterpillar on that leaf.

But seriously--why did I ever talk about my girlfriend? Nerds don't have girlfriends until after college when they get really rich! Until then, nerds assemble at lunch to complain about how unfair it is that no girls like them. Nerds go over to each other's houses to look at Asian internet porn on each other's macs. Nerds mope around near the punch bowl at school dances. The only girls nerds ever talk about are either from Star Wars or Lord of the Rings.

So before I launch into my post unrelated to my romance life, I think I have something you'd like to see: my new YouTube video!

A Moderately Relaxing Video

And now onto the subject of my post today: video games.

A few things separate me from the average nerd. The most prominent one is the fact that I'm technologically impaired. I don't have a Facebook, a phone, and I have no idea how to program anything that runs on electricity. Most importantly: I NEVER PLAY VIDEO GAMES.



Let me go all old-fashioned on you for a moment and just say this:

I despise violent video games. I hate them. I totally hate them. Can't stand them. I almost hate violent video games over violence.

I watch over my friends' shoulders as they play video games that involve gunning down Iraqis, slaughtering enemy soldiers, and often killing civilians. Games like Grand Theft Auto where you get extra points by running over civilians and beating hookers totally disgust me. And there's only one explanation for why teens play them: they have these urges stored up in them all day to murder innocent people but they know they can't. So they get home...and they murder some innocent (though fake) video game characters!

It's not just the violent video games I have a problem with either. Video games in general. They're okay when used in moderation, but let's be honest--when are video games ever used in moderation?

They're destroying social skills. The leftover brain cells that weren't vaporized by hours of texting, Facebook, and web surfing are feasted upon by video games. Modern Warfare...Wii...Halo...Grand Theft Auto...Game Boy...Nintendo...They're going to bring the downfall of the human race, I tell ya!

Think about this: what do you do when you go over to a friend's house? If you don't text side-by-side, or visit Facebook together, or go to the movies/an amusement park, you probably play video games. I don't know about girls, but I know that's certainly true for guys. How many of your friends' names do you remember?

In conclusion, all video games should be disposed of by three methods: burned at the stake, broken on the great wheel, or given to the lepers.

Join the Revolution! Destroy the consoles! Burn their churches and claim their women!!!

That is all.